I recently discovered (through text and call records) that my wife has been having an affair. I confronted her and she admitted to having a relationship with another man. She said it was an emotional relationship at first. After some prying, she admitted that they had sex once and been physical on a number of other occasions. I asked her to leave the house immediately.

We have been married for 3 years. She has been involved with the other man for almost 2 years now. They were co-workers and began with innocent flirtation she says. They began telling each other they loved each other, texting and talking more frequently.

Shortly after her EA began, we got pregnant with our first child. My wife says that their relationship calmed down when she was pregnant, though it did not cease. They continued to tell each other that they loved each other and communicated even while she was carrying my child.

Over the past 6 months, their relationship escalated from on and off talking and texting to almost a daily relationship. When I would go to work or go our of town on business, they would talk and occasionally visit. She says they mostly kissed, but she admits that the past 2 weeks they have had sex and their relationship has become a PA.

I feel betrayed and I feel that our child has been betrayed. My wife says that she did love some things about the other man, but that she has decided to end the relationship. I find it hard to believe that she can just end "loving" someone overnight. I also find it hard to believe that they carried on a 2 year relationship, and only recently it became physical - within a week of me busting her. It is like you getting pulled over by the police and admitted "well, I've only had one beer officer" when really you have had many more.

I don't believe in divorce, but I don't know how I can trust someone who has betrayed me for two of the 3 years we have been married. What's to say she doesn't do it again? She says that she leaned on him for emotional support. I was always here, I never neglected, I always provided. She says we struggled in our marriage, but it never seemed that bad to me. Normal stuff (put the dishes in the dishwasher, etc).

There is no easy path forward. Divorce will affect the child. Reconciliation doesn't feel right because she doesn't beg for another chance. She says "i'm sorry, i made a mistake". To me, a mistake is a one-night stand. This was a two year relationship -- thousands of mistakes compounded by adultery in recent times.

How do you forgive and forget? What is the right decision to make for the sake of our 1 year old child? If we reconcile, how can I go to work or go out of town and trust that my wife is honoring me and not betraying me? It's no life to spy and check call records all day every day.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Time to realoze you are being trickle truthed. WW will only admit to a little of what they did. Thus this affair most likely started earlier then she claimed and is still going on.

You need to have a DNA test done to findout the paternity of your child.

You must continue to monitor for contact with the OM. So put a keylogger on your PC, and place a digital VAR in your home and in WW car.

WW will have to leave her job because she must have NC with the OM.

User, I agree with The Road about the testing. As painful as it may be to even think that, you need to know the truth. I am sorry you are here but you are in the right place for help.

The first thing I suggest is to read this thread completely. It will help you a ton.
Scotty's Thread for new arrivals

Next and probably more difficult is to do some deep soul searching and find out what YOU really want. Do you want to save the marraige, and if so why? If you do, this will be the toughest thing you have ever done in your life. The good news is even if it doesn't work, you will emerge a better person regardless.

Read the link as well as the other great stuff from Dr. Harley. You are not alone.

Thanks for the advice. I plan on doing the testing.

My wife left her job in December. Since she left her job, the EA has turned to a PA and their relationship has grown, perhaps because she has more free time on her hands now (when the child is in daycare 3 days/wk)

Welcome to MB.

It's the most incredible place and group you never want to be a part of. There will be lots of help, advice and support if you choose to use it.

I'm sure your emotions are just all over the map. That's so normal. Please read the link to Scotty's thread. It has some amazing information to help you walk through this.

You have suffered an enormous trauma. Please just be gentle with yourself. Find out the truth and know that you can do lots of stuff once you are completely informed.

I should add...


Me 30
WW 30
Married July '07
1 Child

QueeniesAdventures, thanks for your kind words. Scotty's thread has been really helpful! I am still searching through it learning more and more.

This has been an enourmous trauma. I cycle through shock, denial, anger, sadness over and over. I know I will get through this, but I want to do the right thing for the child.

Is there any way to really trust a person who can compartmentalize part of their life for so long?

SickofLimbo,

I go back and forth over this 10 times daily. Frankly, I, too, am sick of limbo. I have never believed in divorce, but I don't know that I can forgive/forget so easily. Sometimes I wonder if I will get a bad thought or memory 6 months from now and be angry with my wife. I already can't sleep with the mental images in my head

I have not been able decide what I want as yet. She has stated that she does not want to be married and that makes me want to divorce even more. She continues to soften that message and now says she just wants to go to counseling for a couple of months. I feel like I am holding my breath waiting. I deserve better than that.

I think I can handle the tough times, but I fear that she will do it again. So, for now, I am stuck in limbo mentally. I went to sleep last night content with divorce and woke up this morning thinking that I needed to give it a chance.

Is she still out of the house?

Are you going to MC together?

Trust me when I say that when she says....



Is just another lie, yes she might think she doesn't want to be married because she is a wayward we all thing that, but the whole going to counseling for a couple months? is a BIG FAT LIE!

I don't care who you are, no MC or the Harley's can fix a wayward until that fog lifts, until then she is already GONE! The only reason why she wants to wait so she can get more prepared for the divorce, to get her finances straight, and to get as much $$$ out of you till she ends up gone gone.

You need to start working out what you want, do you want to save this marriage? IF so then do the following...

EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE to EVERYONE!!
Family
Friends
Co-workers
Boss
Neighbors
ETc...

She will flip yes! That is normal, that will be the correct response when she finds out, the reason why exposing is the BIGGEST step in recovery is because affairs thrive on secrecy, the more people that know the better you will KILL the affair. Then start working on your plan A, meeting all of her needs, nice, no relationship talk, etc...

If you do not want to save this marriage, then the only thing you need to do is go to the courts fill out the papers and your done.

Trust me again when I say this.....

DIVORCE is NEVER EVER the easy way out!

Have you read everything on this site? Especially the parts about plan A and plan B?

If I may, I'd like to add to SR's advice about exposure that the strongest tonic for a case of "infidelity pox" is exposing to the OP's spouse. Your story was not clear on whether OM was married, but if so, START THERE!

Thanks NeverGuessed. The OM's spouse has contacted. The OM only told her half of the story. What a mess

Start exposing NOW!

Who knows?

Thanks Sapphire. I am asking for counseling from the church, from our family, from our friends. Part of me feels like she still just doesn't understand how big of a deal this is. Part of me feels like she has a warped sense of what marriage really is (an all encompassing relationship).

Are you separated now? Who has your child? Is she still seeing OM? You realize that as long as there is contact the affair is still on, hot and heavy?

FWIW, a woman who has an affair (or a man) 1 year into the marriage, is not marriage material. Unfortunately, you have a child with this woman. I know you don't believe in divorce-- is that because of religious reasons? It is your life of course and if you want to try and recover, we can help you out. However, MB has a very narrow path to follow to get to recovery and it ain't easy!

The only way you will recover your marriage is if the affair is ENDED and all contact has stopped.

Thanks, Princessmeggy. We are separated now. I asked her to leave the house 2 weeks ago when I found out (I saw an obscure text message, checked her call records and found that she had been communicating all day, every day for weeks). She is living with her parents. We alternate nights with the baby, every 2 night. I hate that we cart the baby back and forth. It doesn't seem fair.

Regarding divorce, I suppose it is religion. I believed (and still do believe) in the vows we took. I think it is also because of my upbringing, in a married family that stayed together "for better or worse, richer or poorer, through good times and bad".

Therein lies the crux of it all for me. I want to raise a child in a happy, married home. I thought that my wife was the perfect partner to raise a family with. She was always the "good one". This is all so out of character for her. But, the EA has been going on for 2 of the three years we have been married (according to her). And, the PA has been more recent, though she admits they kissed occasionally throughout the 2 years.

I feel like I deserve better than this. I just don't know how I can trust her. She says contact has stopped, but who knows whether she has a secret e-mail address? Or, calls from a payphone? Or, visits when I am at work and her parents are gone?

We are going to a marriage counselor once or twice a week. We are also seeking support from the church and a relative who has been through this. All of this support has been initiated by me. It is as if she doesn't get it or doesn't want it.

What do you think I should do?

I am confused about this comment. Did you expose the affair to the OM's wife? Did you tell her the WHOLE STORY?

Have you exposed to her parents and everyone else?

The OM admitted some of the story to his wife. She contacted me and we traded stories. The OM did not admit to all the things that my wife admitted to me.

Yes to exposure to parents. My WW has been living with her parents for 2 weeks now. They are sad, shocked, disappointed. They say they are praying for reconciliation.

Just as a side thing, I am a WW, who had an A 18 months into our M. My H thought everthing was ok before that happened, it really wasn't. There were lots of things that weren't right on both sides. Have you asked her what was not right?


I am very remorseful about what happened, and am following MB principles too see if I can get my H to find it in his heart to forgive me.

Please note I am very new here, so there are lots of experienced people here to help. Good luck I wish you all the best. If you ever need to ask me any questions to understand what you WW maybe thinking then let me know.

User have you gotten a paternity test done? I believe your wife was having a PA longer then you think!

DO NOT BELIEVE HER!

SHE IS A WAYWARD!

Is she still in contact with the OM?

Are her parents helping her fix her marriage?

have you decided if you want to go to plan A? and if all else fails go to plan B?

We were in marriage counseling for the 5 weeks prior to her getting busted. She felt that she needed more emotional support. For example, I didn't help her bring groceries in from the car one night two years ago. She also says that my anger over the past two weeks (since finding out) reminds her of the parts of our marriage that she didn't like. I understand that and, based on what I have read, I know that I should move into Plan A.

Right now, when the counselor asks if she wants to reconcile, her answer is "I don't know that I want to continue this marriage. His anger over the past two weeks reminds me of what I didn't like about our marriage". I have been angry. I asked her to leave the house. I told her not to come here without my permission. She feels that I take a dictatorial tone with her, like a parent would with a child. She feels that I don't treat her as an equal. I have never thought of her as a lesser partner. I do think we have issues to work on with our marriage. I do think I need to improve in how I talk and being more sensitive. But, I don't feel like I even had a chance. We were just starting our marriage -- one year into our marriage -- when she started talking to the OM. I wish she had thrown her hands up then and said "hey, this isn't right, I need more attention" or "I don't feel like an equal partner". Instead, she found comfort in the OM, who in my opinion, was just trying to get in her pants.

Help.