I am caught between a rock and a hard place...<P>My 17 year old stepson, who I adore dearly, and loves me equally, is asking me to do what I am dreading.<P><B>History:</B><BR>My stepson has never been adopted by me... lots of reasons (his ADD... W's choice not to get her first husband's involvement... my respect in her decision...etc.)<P>I raised him from the age of 3 or 4... He never knew his BF (drunk, drug addict, porn addict...) and that's the way my wife wanted it. I have been the only "real" father he hs know for 13+ years of his life! He is really like <B>my</B> first son.<P>Now that my W was found out in an affair... <BR><B>and</B> she has moved out 2 months ago...<BR>he(stepson) has felt abandoned by everyone...<BR><B>No</B> Biological Father(BF)... not by choice<BR><B>No</B> Biological Mother(BM)... completely by choice<BR><B>No</B> God-father (uncle who also divorced W's sister <3 years ago)<BR><B>No</B> God-mother (no contact with BF's side)<BR><B>But</B>... he still has me... siblings... and 3 out of 4 living grandparents.<P>Anyway, his BF was disabled and for the last 5 years or so, because of the disability, he(stepson)has been getting about $5,500 a year. He wouldn't have gotten any of it if I had adopted him. This money was always 100% completely under my wife's control... she said she would hold on to it for him. I was OK with this... I thought it would obviously go for <B>his</B> future needs... car... insurance... education... college... career... etc. And, that my wife would handle this appopriately... (NOT!)<P>When my wife began to fight for child cusody... the <I>moral</I> decision by my stepson, to <B>not</B> move out of state to live with my W and OM(sponge) was crucial to how my relationship through the divorce proceeded with my W. Yes, he was very hurt by his mom leaving (the hole in his bedroom door is proof.) This decision also contributed to my W's realization that the two younger siblings (with huge closeness/binding with stepson) would not be separated from each other (by any court)... and therefore would end up staying with me (giving me physical custody of all three.) Needless to say... this upset my W immeasurably.<P><B>Present:</B><BR>He(stepson) found out that these (SSA benefits) were his... shortly after the divorce filing. Now that he is 17... he would like a little of it... for (fixing up) the car (I gave him mine for free)... for the car insurance... and for flying lessons, since he has career aspirations to become a pilot. He also found out that my W withdrew <B>only</B> about $2,200 from the only known account she had for his SSA funds, about 1.5 months before W moved out!<P><B>Soooooo</B><BR>He now wants me to...<P>1.<BR>Become the new <I>"payee"</I> to recieve and control disbursements of his monthly checks. I called SSA today... they said since W moved out of state this can and should happen. This I don't have too much problem with... although W will again be upset... due to losing more control on kids/funds.<P>2.<BR>(And this is the tough one...)<BR>He wants me to get papers at the SSA to prepare a "complaint" that she mis-appropriated those funds (based on the account withdrawal)... and that she(W) would have to reimburse the missing funds. This isn't for my stepson, but is for me... <B>A HUGE LOVE BUSTER</B>!<P>I feel obligated to make sure my stepson gets his money... <B>It is <I>his</I> after all!</B><P>But... I know this will only be viewed by my W as an attempt by me to "make her poor"! Money does seem to be a very important need for her to continue her fantasy world with OM... see my previous post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/008664.html" TARGET=_blank>The nerve of the betrayer!</A><P>I've emailed my wife that I'd like to discuss this...(no repsonse).... she has just stopped accepting <B>all</B> email.<BR>I called her tonight... she only would speak to the kids... would not even discuss anything with me!<P>Does anyone have a recommendation or two on what I should do?<P>a. only file to be new "payee"<BR>b. do both "payee" and get "complaint forms"<BR>c. lie to my son that I couldn't get "complaint forms"<BR>d. do nothing<BR>e. stand on my head... <P>This is a tough decision for me...<BR>I think I've tried to help others here before...<BR>Now, I'm confused.<P>Jim

definately and immediatly A.... then sit down with your 17 yr old and explain your hesitance, and go from there....<P>I have a 15 1/2 yr old son, and they're pretty smart, and understanding... They see things different also because they are outside (somewhat) of our emotional fog...<P>prayers 4 U..<P>cozy

NSR,<P>Boy you weren't kidding about the rock and hard place. But, you have to be strong for your "son". W is not in a place where she can adequately take care of the business of family. You are by default given the responsibility, which by reading, I don't think you have a problem with. Sounds like your'e a good "Dad". He is very lucky to have you.<P>With regard to your inquisition:<P>A. If I were you I would definitely file to become the new payee. [responsible person, you]<P>B. I would hold out on the complaint issue, big time love buster... never know what the future brings. She might come back to reality someday.<P>C. Never lie to your "kids"...bad move. Big trust buster.<P>D. The only way I would do nothing in your situation is if I was dead for two years.<P>E. I get hypotensive if I stand on my head and am usually not that coordinated. I would avoid this as well.<P>I believe you truly know in your heart what you must do. <P><BR>Wishing us all the Best,<P>Medic

What a crappy deal for everyone involved!<P>You're right that your wife will take it as retaliatory if you are the one to file for the transfer of payments <I>and</I> the reimbursement of the money that she took from your stepson. (Who sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders. Good job Dad.)<P>Does your stepson even speak with his mother when he calls? This may be putting a lot of pressure on him, but what about suggesting that he explain to his mother how he feels, and what he thinks should be done?<P>I know that children should never be brought into the middle, but it sounds like he is very aware of who the players are in this game, and more <B>importantly</B>, which team they are on. It may do his mother some good to hear how her son really is reacting to all of this.<P>Then again, a seventeen-yr-old shouldn't have to put up with this crap.<P>What am I saying?!?<P>None of us should have to deal with this crap!<P>Don't envy you, man. Best of luck to you, and let us know how the chips fall...<P>Eric

Jim,<P>I have really mixed feelings regarding your situation.<P>a. Yes, you should file to change the custodian of the money from now forward.<P>b. You said your wife had taken out $2,200. Where is the rest? Is it still secure? If that is all she took, I'd let it drop.<P>In my opinion, even though this money is your son's, the intent of it is to provide support since the BF cannot. (I received SSA funds for my entire childhood - and through college - due to my Father's disability.)<P>Your wife could argue that the $2,200 was used in his support. (i.e. she had to use "her" money to pay for things he needed so the $2,200 was hers to use)<P>I never saw a cent of my SSA money throughout my childhood. My mother put it to use in raising me. When I was in college, this $ paid for my room and board.<P>I think filing for mis-appropriation is really a long shot and would cause much more harm than the money is worth.<P>But definitely change the future payments to your control<BR><P>------------------<BR>RobinAnn<P>*********<P>Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape!

Jim, First I want to thank you for the email on annulement. I printed it out so I can go over it more throughly. I plan on giving a copy to my ILs. <P>I am really sorry about where you are between that rock and a hard place. I do think you need to get custodianship of the money. You do need to talk to your stepson about how you feel about filing on the misappropration of his money. He sounds like a very mature young man. You to need to talk about it. I think he would understand and may have some other suggestions. Hang in there. Saying a prayer.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Thank you everyone...<P>I pretty much knew you were all going to say the same "RIGHT" thing to do. Sometimes you need to hear that from others though...<P>cozy:<BR>Your are right about "...they are outside (somewhat) of our emotional fog..." I usually am not.<P>MEDIC:<BR>Thanks for the point for point response. My son does feel that W's "reality someday"... is a long way off... When he turns 18 in 9 months she has to turn it <B>all</B> over anyway! He's asking for just a little... <P>Eric:<BR>Yes... stepson does speak with his mother when he calls... and goes for visiations too... <B>AND</B> asks for some(just a little) of his money EVERY TIME! He is very clear about his wishes... so is she though. She says he is too immature (I believe retaliation for not moving out of state with her) to get the money. Not even a single dime of it!<P>RobinAnn:<BR>That $2,200 hasn't been spent on him... he or I or someone would know about it... He is also(maybe more so) concerned with the other <B>$25,000+</B> that <I>no one</I> knows about... The fear is she used some (who knows how much?) on her and OM! And how/when can he get any of that back... if at all... if he doesn't persue it... (to make sure she doesn't blow anymore of it)?<P>di:<BR>Welcome back... gald to hear from you. My son <B>is</B> mature. Thanks for your comments... if you're very serious about the annulment... get the ZWACK book immediately... it's answers are the best! I'm too far from that point yet. Thanks for your prayers... they are always appreciated.<P>------------------<P>I know the probability of love busting here...<B>very high</B><BR>I'll try and hold off my son's request ("complaint filing") as long as I can.<BR>It does seem inevitable he will force the issue soon. At least to get an accounting of how muh there is for him.<BR>I think, he feels if he <B>can</B> make his mom more poor, she'll come back... or scare off the OM... (there may be a grain of fact here...) but it will hurt any relationship building between me and my W!<P>Thanks for everyone's input...<BR>I know the final decision is mine...<P>Jim

NSR<P>Plan A in my opinion says no lovebusters, but your first priority is always protection of the children, lovebuster or not. I would definitely change the payee. Can your stepson get the forms himself and file any way. If so get the forms for him and try to help him with the decision that is best for him.<P>If your stepson is not adopted wouldn't the court award custody to your wife anyway in a divorce? Obviously you have been a great father to him I would hate for him to be disappointed again.

God... I hate it... hate it... hate it!<P>I went to the local SSA office today and filed the applicaton to have <B>me</B> be assigned the new <I>"payee"</I> on my stepson's claim....<P>It brought back that terrible feeling when I called my attorney and told him to submit the counter-claim to her(W's) divorce. <P>This "payee assignement" process will take about a month to 6 weeks to become effective... it will require her notification(she could fight this... yuck!)... and it puts a hold on all interim payments(no surprise there)...<P><B>awoken:</B><BR>Sorry I didn't get a chance to catch your reply bfore I had to go (had to take younger son to doctors... poison ivy)...<BR>But... No... custody is not always awarded to the biological parents anymore... in any case there has never been a court ruling regarding custody since we agreed (albeit verbally) to try and work out a Property Settlement Agreement(PSA) ourselves. Since then she's moved out (with $10K) and only abides by those parts of the PSA favorable to her i.e. visitation. The courts can't force a 17.5 year old out to another state just so his mom can live with her lover! That's why the two youngr ones are here too! His(stepson's) disappointment in this(SSA) whole fiasco is what I am struggling about.<P>---------------------<P>I was given a couple of forms... "Statement of Claimant"<BR>to be filled out by me and by my stepson... for anything we wish to add to my application for "payee assignment".<P>I was told we could add any information we like...<BR>a. treatment by W of stepson (claiming his immaturity?)... how about her's?<BR>b. no account set up for him anymore... ($2,200 final withdrawal)<BR>c. misuse of monies already accepted by my wife...(over 5+ years)<P>This can bring in fines by the SSA and then notification to the IRS... double yuck!<P>I will have a heart to heart talk one more time... but he is really sensing he must act now... Legally he can, because it's his money!<P>Pray for me guys...<BR>Let me find the right words to tell him.<P>Jim

Jim,<P>I'm really having a problem with this concept of the money being "his". It's my impression that these funds are to be used for the support of a minor child. Not cash in hand to the child, but support.<P>You never stated one way or the other... did your wife claim she was putting the $ away for your son or was it thrown into the pot to support the family?<P>I feel you have a very long row to hoe to prove that she mis-used these funds (if these were used over the years). The money came in, the money went out. Unless you guys totally seperated your moneys, I don't see how you can prove fraud. Your W could claim that it was used to support your son.<P>Did you ever see proof that she put the $ away (and then it was withdrawn?).<P>Not trying to be argumentative (well, maybe I am) but I really don't see much good coming out of a claim of mis-use. (Certainly, try to get the payee changed for future payment!)<P>Regards,<P>RobinAnn<P>

RobinAnn,<P>Yes, these funds are to be used for the support of the minor child, and <B>not</B> cash in the hand of the minor child.<P>I never did say, but yes... when the first checks arrived... we(W an I) agreed that my W would hold onto and handle this money for his benefit! The funds we had from <B>my</B> salary were to pay for the entire family... including him.<P>None of this money is allowed to be "thrown into the pot to support the family" according the SSA. This was only to be used for the stepson's benefit.<P>Yes, the monies were kept separate. She opened a separate bank account for him... and to my knowledge was making regular deposits. We never mixed any money I made with any of these funds. My tax advisor said that... since the money was for my stepson... we shouldn't/didn't have to put any of these funds on our "joint tax" account.<P>W will indeed claim that she spent some of this money on him...since she had to have filed with SSA about the disposition of the funds... Here is where there is the possibility of some "misuse", since I have all "family" receipts... I know you think I'm nuts... but I kept them since before I married. I also have 3 forms that were to be submitted to SSA by my W...which are completely empty...(sure she could have gotten other forms... but I doubt it.)<P>Yes... I know of the bank account... we live one block away from the bank where it was opened. And, yes... I saw the amount in the account when she closed in mid-July of this year... 1 1/2 months before she moved out. I also saw partial deposits in the preceding 3 or 4 months... (when/where did she spend this money?)<P>You're right though...<BR>there is little good in me filing for a "complaint of misuse"... but eventually it won't be <B>me</B> filing... it will be my stepson. If it is not this week... or next... it will be soon! He knows his rights... and his anger with OM(which is extreme) and his mom will push him faster.<P>The way my wife has been putting my stepson down ever since discovery... Saying to him several times...<BR>"you're friends aren't so important"... "you don't have to finish High School in (the only town he ever went to school)"... "you don't have to continue JR-ROTC" (this is the only class he get "A"'s in... and there is not such program in OM's state)... "you're too immature for any of this money"... "I've been saving it <B>all</B> up for you"...<P>He has seen/heard the continual/fluid lies to and about me... and he hates it. He will not move out with her... nver!<P>I will try to hold him back...<BR>I might not succeed here...<BR>especially if I am honest with him.<P>Jim

Jim,<P>Sorry to be such a pain in the butt. I guess I'm just used to seeing these types of moneys used for the child's benefit as received and well, frankly, I have no problem with them going into the family pot. After all, how does one determine the cost of raising a child (how much food per person, how much a bedroom costs, etc. etc.)<P>That said, glad you have all your household receipts and everything. That certainly should help your son's cause.<P>I still worry about long term effects of son filing the claim (but then your wife seems to be doing a great job of estrangement anyway!) <P>(Sometimes I'm just too darn analytical!)<P>Regards,<P>RobinAnn<P>Still

It's OK...<P>We kept SSA money separate... there was no need to compute who got how much... all the money I earned was <B><I>family's money</I></B>... isn't that the way it should be?<P>The good news is my son will probably get it.<BR>The bad news is my son will probably get it.<P>If you know what I mean. <P>What do you do when you love your wife and your son?... I never want to hurt either... Now I end up hurting them... they me... they each other... damn it!<P>Jim

Jim,<P>Of course all the money earned was family money. I agree. <P>I am really sorry for the situation you are in. It really sucks eggs.<P>I know you'll support and love your son in whatever he chooses to do.<P>Regards,<P>RobinAnn

Jim,<P>Although I have no advice for you here, you are and continue to be in my prayers.<P>May God give you the wisdom and strength to do the right thing.<P>Sorry, thats the best I have for you.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

Cheryl,<P>Like I say to everyone... I really do appreciate prayers.<P>When I knew nothing about MB... all I was doing as trying to win custody of my kids... to keep them away from the OM! I had literally hundreds of people praying for me... from church... friends... and even the Internet!<P>I firmly believe that without those prayers... (as my early attorney appointments told me) I had only a snowball's chance in hell to get custody.<P>I seek as much, and maybe more, support (in prayer) for <B>God's will</B> to enter the <I>heart</I> and <I>mind</I> of my beloved wife and Paul(her other man).<P>Thank you all for your prayers...<BR>Sometimes we have to leave it up to <I>Him</I>...<BR>Yes, we can improve ourselves... <I>He</I> would want that... but<BR>If we think we can "do it all"... we're fooling ourselves...<P>I know know you hear me in spirit ~Sheryl(new_beginning)... He loves you too.<P>Jim