I don't believe her, as my trust has been destroyed. She swears up and down that, as crazy as it sounds, they only had sex one time and it was the week before she got busted. She says she gave him oral the next day. Prior to that, they had kissed from time to time. So, I guess it was physical, but it escalated to sex the week prior to her getting caught.

It doesn't sound reasonable to me, but she swears by it.

user, you will have to separate the wheat from the chaff here. Waywards always lie and manufacture grievances to justify their affair. Such as not bringing in the groceries 2 years ago. That was trotted out for special effect ["my H is soo mean to me, therefore I am ENTITLED to an affair!" ] Wayward wives are especially talented in this game. They love playin the victim.

But keep in mind that she is also responsible for the state of the marriage. I am sure she wasn't meeting all your needs either and you did't drop your drawers like an alley cat in heat.

BUT.... it is obvious that your angry outbursts and "dictatorial tone" would make any woman unhappy. Of course, wayward wives are so childish that any adult in their lives will be viewed as a parent.

So, I would start by eliminating your lovebusters. NO angry outbursts, no lecturing, no nothing. Make yourself and attractive alternative.

While doing this, cause as much hell in the affair as possible. Confront the OM, expose to his family, his facebook friends. Every time you find out about contact, call him or pay him a visit. He will get sick of it soon enough.

Of course she swears by it!

Ask her to take a poly test then you'll find out the truth!

If she refuses then you know she is lying....and if she takes then again you will know she is lying...its a win win for you!

So what are you thinking about doing to fix this marriage? If you want to fix it then do the following...

1.0Have her move back home


2.)Let her know that you are married to her and you wont tolerate another third person.

3.)Keep snooping (don't confront her when you find out she is still in contact...she already knows she see's the OM)

4.)Work your plan A
No love busts
no angry out burst
Meet all her her Emotional Needs (do you know her top 5?)

5.)Put a VAR in her car

6.)Install a keylogger on your computer

Do that for how ever long you can tolerate her cheating on you, and if she wont or haven't "decided" what she wants then go to plan B write a plan B letter kick her out, and go DARK VERY DARK!

Oh god this is so freaky, this is so similiar to my situation. Some of the things your WW said about you such as emotional support, the tone of voice all very similiar, I felt the same to my BH. Look at the love bank advice in 'basic concepts' my love bank was in the RED!! My biggest regret is not communicating to my H, my EN's. To be honest, at the time I didn't know my EN's were not been fulilled. It was only when the other guy came along that I thought,look at these things that are missing my H is wrong for me (AHHH!). What you have to remember is that the A is not your fault, at all. From the sounds of it, your W has made a bad decision and is not a bad person, therefore the OM is at a complete disadvantage already as he is not a good person for getting involved with a married woman. This put a real taint on how I felt about the OM. Maybe you should let her know this in a calm controlled manner.

Look it took me awhile to come out of the 'fog' and realise how much I actually did love my H. Remember she married you, so the love is there just hidden right now.

I am no expert so listen to some of the people on here, they will help you. Follow the MB principles, there is hope for you.

My H has not yet forgiven me, so I am trying to do everything 'within reason' for him to do so. I hope your WW realises this before its too late.

Hitch, how long did it take you to come out of the fog? Were you experiencing similar feelings in the two or 3 weeks following being caught? Did you get caught, or did you admit? You can PM me if you would like to keep details private.

Thanks for your support!! I am totally lost. My mind flip flops constantly between saving the marriage for my child's sake (and because I don't think divorce is good), or divorcing her [censored] on the spot and moving on.

User, PMing doesn't work on here and you shouldn't be communicating privately with members of the opposite sex right now. You are at a HUGE risk of having a RA(revenge affair). You need to get some strong boundaries in place. You already have one affair to get over, two would be a lot more difficult.

As far as what your WW thinks and how long it takes to get out of the fog, it will take until there is NC and she has gone through withdrawals and actually STARTS to understand what she has done to you and your marriage. There is a HUGE difference between a WW and a FWW.

You seem to have totally ignored the comments of a paternity test.

user, the fog starts going away when the source of the fog: the affair, ends.

The fastest way to end the fog is to kill the affair.

Thank you, Scotland. You are right.

Can you describe what you mean about huge difference between a WW and former WW?

She says that she has had no contact with him since the day after I found out. She says that the OM thought it best to stop so that he could save his marriage. I suppose he knew that the *** was going to hit the fan. He admitted partial truth to his wife. She has since learned more of the truth, which includes the PA. The OM's wife wants a divorce.

To me, it doesn't feel like my wife really understands how much I am hurt, how much our family is hurt, how many lives they impacted by having an affair. The OM has a wife and 2 kids.

I am thinking of getting a paternity test. I guess my only real reservation is that the baby looks just like me. Still, I should do it.

You MOST DEFINITELY SHOULD get the paternity test done.

As far as what the difference between a WW and a FWW is their thoughts about the affair and OM. There needs to be no sense of entitlement for your WW anymore. She needs to not blame you for the affair. She made her own choice to have an affair and she needs to own that decision and all of the consequences of that decision. She needs to show remorse over what she has done. There is a lot of things that would change when your WW would be able to gain the privilege of earning the title of FWW.

The fog would have to clear and there would have to be a lot of work done on your WW's part. You don't need to be concerned with that right now because you definitely don't have that ATM. Just make sure that the affair is ended, expose it, snoop and re-expose if you find any continued contact. Get your WW to agree to write a NC letter and have it okay'd by you and then sent by you.

Absolutely you should. When you bring it up, she's going to freak but do not back down.

I can tell you this, I'm not recovering from a cheating spouse. My wife and I have enough precautions in our marriage so that we are not put in a situation to stray. I believe my wife when she says she's never been tempted to stray. However, if she came up pregnant (I have a vasectomy), I'd demand a praternity test. I know that there's still a chance of pregnancy even with having a vasectomy. And even though I trust my wife, she knows that we'd be running to the clinic.

Thank you both Scotland and Kilted for your advice.

Should I move to Plan A immediately? I don't feel the level of remorse/regret of a FWW yet. She says she has stopped contact, but it has only been two weeks -- not that I believe her anyway. She has given me access to her cell records/account, but there are always ways around that (secret e-mail accounts, calling from other phones, etc). I just don't feel the regret, as much as I feel like I should be feeling it. She says she is sorry and that she wishes she hadn't engaged in an EA or PA, but she also continues to blame her starting an affair on our marriage.

In her current state of mind, should I start Plan A? I contacted a lawyer 2 days after I found out. She knows this because the lawyer denied her since she had already met with me. She has contacted a lawyer as well. We've discussed that it will get very ugly if we move too quickly towards divorce. Our MC thinks we should just take our time and not make any quick decisions. I agree. My lawyer recommends that we try to reconcile. I am trying, but it is hard to move to Plan A when I don't feel that she wants to admit her sins entirely, beg for another chance, etc. She says outright that she is not begging for another chance because she is not sure that she wants to be married.

Thoughts? How long do you wait until you invite her back home? How long do you wait until you start Plan A? I know there is no set timetable, but what signs indicate that I should ask her back home or begin Plan A?

Hi user

It took me awhile to come out of the fog, from the day the affair started 1 year full recovery.

I would say the fog started to lift for a number of reasons;

1. As soon as I saw the OM for who he is, someone willing to sleep with a married woman, and your case even worse a family! Not a good person, I believe he took advantage of me at a vulnerable time in the marriage and I let him

2. The fog also started to lift once my H discovered the affair, I did not tell him he went through my emails. I was in denial thinking it was justified, that OM was offering me 'emotional support'. Once my H found out my heart sank, I also went immediately on the defensive. I was also hugely relieved he found out because, I knew he had to know about A whether the marriage worked or not. My defensive line went on for about 2 months after my H found out, by this time my H had gone into withdrawal and started to see OW in revenge affairs. It took me awhile to take responsiility because if your past history is as a good person, you are also shocked by your own actions when the fog starts to lift and you refuse to admit to yourself you could lie and cheat and cause so much harm to your H.

3. The fog completely lifted when I realised that I could lose the man I loved and a family in the future together with H, and for the last 6 weeks I have been in Plan A mode. My H is talking to Steve Harley on Weds.

Best advice at the moment is to do Plan A, get her back into the house asap, snoop lots to make sure she is not in contact with OM. Don't do any thing rash yet (lawyers ect) and take care of yourself excercise, sleep well, eat well, walks in the fresh air ect. Be calm and be strong.

hi user,
I'm a betrayed spouse as well, my advice would be give yourself some time to think about all that has happened and why it happened. I went to a therapist he said to me that I shouldn't try to make any decisions until I was emotionally capable of doing so.
He said this kind of news is like a death and there are stages of death you have to live through before you are thinking clearly again.......
Let yourself feel the emotions, work through them and then you can decide what is best for you and your marriage.....
No lawyers for right now, if you have to take care of some financial stuff in order to live separately for now, fine........
I would just try to Plan A your wife and see if there is anything left between the two of you......
She sounds like a lot of people in the middle of an affair......the affair is all that is important right now.......the fog others are talking about....
No Contact between you wife is the most important thing at this point, exposure is important as well, when everyone else knows what you are doing it's not that much fun.....you have to make it difficult for them to continue the affair, exposure from the other side as well(OM)
Tell your wife you love her and are willing to work on what was wrong in the marriage but you will not do that with a third person in the marriage, tell her if she can't do this then you will be forced to end the marriage.....
Go speak to your pastor, your parents, bring her to the board here, so she can educate herself and understand what she has broken between the two of you by having an affair.....
In the meantime, work on yourself, stay busy, work out, show her the man she fell in love with........keep an open heart.....give yourself enough time to make a good decision for yourself.......

Plan A is probably one of the hardest plans MB has, because in plan A you KNOW that she is still a wayward, and in contact with the OM. The big reason for plan A is so you can be ready for plan B. Have you read up on plan A and plan B yet? If so then you must know that during plan A you should not have ANY expectations from your wife...AT ALL! It is for you to show her what she will be missing if you do divorce her, you play the nice guy card and yet show her that you will not tolerate a 3rd person in this marriage, once you can't take being in plan A any longer thats when you go straight to plan B and go DARK! No contact with your wife AT ALL! Then is where she will realize how mush she will lose if she divorces you.

When my husband was in plan B that is when the fog lifted for me, I realized what I was losing, and how much I was losing, that is when I came to terms exactly what I wanted, I came home being 200% committed to the marriage.

So when you say you feel like she is not remorseful? Well of course she is not, she is still seeing the OM, still in contact, but plan A doesn't start when she is remorseful and regrets what she did, and blames herself for the Affair, that is AFTER you did a plan B not during or in the beginning of a plan A.

You have to start somewhere and plan A is where you should start. Please read and reread plan A, and carrot and the stick to plan A.

user, does she still work with this guy? Do you have any way of verifying that contact has ended? Can you look at her cell phone bills? Will she open up her life and give you her passwords, etc so you can verify her honesty?

They do not work together any longer. Niether of them work at the same company. She stays at home now.

She agreed to hand over her cell phone password recently. She was reluctant because she says she feels like it is controlling, but she did it. Truthfully, if she wanted to, she could just drive to see him or use a payphone or something else. I can spy to some level, but there are always ways around it.

Hard to stomach Plan A, hard to know when the right time is to say "honey, come back", doesn't feel natural, makes me want to puke thinking of it. I feel like I jumped straight to plan B by throwing her out of the house, calling a lawyer, etc. Crap, maybe I have handled this all wrong

Either do a plan A or a plan B you can't do both, it doesn't work that way sorry.



Hence why I said plan A is probably the hardest plan MB has.