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To catch you up - h had 3 month affair - midlife crisis - 3 mo of "he can't make a decision" Modified Plan B - he's living in the basement - called me at work to meet him at restaurant - very warm and affectionate - OW has decided on no contact for one month so he can make decision - I was irrate - 30 years = 30 month trial period - went home and got clothes - moved into motel - said I would be back in 2 days (actually left note - he left the restaurant first but must of called OW because I left before he arrived home)- why should I accept this offer???????????? I can't imagine opening myself and working on the marriage if the time is ticking away. Please give me you opinions - I value them.
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Hi<P>I can certainly understand your anger. I am married 27 yrs and the same OW has plagued us. <P>You have to find out what you can take. After 30 years, I am sure that you have your problems with him and there are things that make you less willing to take his crap. Like the kids are grown, mortgage is almost paid off maybe, you are more complete in your own mind, etc. If this is his first time cheating, that is really probably an indication of a mid life thing I would think. But why do we have to put up with that. All I can say is that I will not and that has no room for discussion and my H knows it. This last go around with the OW last summer did me in. He is out and she is sued and I am born anew. <P>What do you want? Is you ultimate goal to be with him? Have you seen an attorney to protect your rights? How about a counsellor? I would recommend all of the above.<P>Good luck.
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All kids are gone - house paid off - I have a great job - if anything, he'll have more financial difficulty if we divorce (I have 1/2 his pension also). I think he's making a huge mistake due to his midlife crisis - but do I take this 30 day trial to work things out or do I tell him he needs to make a committment to the marriage regardless of how long it takes to make the final decision. I feel insulted.
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All kids are gone - house paid off - I have a great job - if anything, he'll have more financial difficulty if we divorce (I have 1/2 his pension also). I think he's making a huge mistake due to his midlife crisis - but do I take this 30 day trial to work things out or do I tell him he needs to make a committment to the marriage regardless of how long it takes to make the final decision. I feel insulted.
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Slept for a few hours and now am up waiting for advise. I think I would lose respect for myself if I accepted the 30 day trial marriage for him to decide. What did you mean by "she is sued"?
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Kate,<P>It all depends on how you look at things. Personally, sure, give him his supposed 30 day trial period. First of all, the whole idea is ridiculous, so I wouldn't really get stuck on the words. I mean, what is he going to do, mark the calendar? Have everyone synchronize their watches? Give me a break! It's ludicrous.<P>What it means is, he wants more time to "make his decision." Really, you'll be in no better or worse position than you've been in up to now. The choice is yours whether or not you want to continue avoiding love busters, tell him you love him and that you are ready to work on the marriage when he is ready. This process could take 10 days, 30 days, 60 days, or 120 days!! It's a chance you will have to take, IF you feel it is worth it.<P>Or, you could do what they call "plan B" on this forum, and avoid and refuse all contact with him until he gives up the OW and recommits to the marriage. Again, this process could also take 10 days, 30 days, 60 days or 120 days. And again, it's a chance you will have to take if you feel you cannot endure the other.<P>Don't get hung up on his words right now. Really, he's talking out of his butt right now because he is confused, irrational, and doesn't know which way is up. I firmly believe that if it is a mid-life crisis at work, they don't last forever. One day he will wake up and say, "what the heck did I do??" That could take 30 days, or that could take 120 days! But, more than likely it will happen. The choice is yours on whether or not you want to wait for this to happen, and the way you want to "wait."<P>Personally, I'd say, "sure, have your 30 days!" And during that time, I'd be sweet as molasses to him, BUT I'd also be going on with my own life. I wouldn't initiate any contact, but if he contacted me, I'd be very sweet. I'd fix myself up, lose weight (if necessary), start an exercise program (if not already on one), go back to school (if that's been one of your desires), and anything else that makes ME feel better about ME. Either way, no matter what he "chooses" to do, I'd be all the happier for it.<P>Pulling for you!<P>------------------<BR> Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.
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His idea is to move back in together for the month. So what happens when she contacts him in a month? Won't he be in withdrawal all month anyway?? Do I even have a chance??
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Kate,<P>Hmmm, okay, so he wants to move back in with you and supposedly "work" on the marriage for 30 days after which time the OW will contact him and what?? Is he then going to give her a 30 day trial period too so the two of them to live together?? Like I said, the whole "plan" is ridiculous.<P>Even without the "spoken" 30 day stuff, the OW could still contact him any time she wants. What needs to happen is HE needs to be in the frame of mind that he doesn't want to hear from her or see her ever again. <P>No matter which way you go, there are no guarantees. You could agree to have him come home, on the condition there is NO contact with the OW at all during that time. Then, you could use that 30 days to try all the Plan A stuff you can muster. If after 30 days he decides to resume his relationship with the OW, at least you wouldn't have had to endure that long. OR, you could tell him, "no thanks," and have him resume with the OW for "30 days" with no contact from you whatsoever and give him time to see that the grass is not any greener. If it is really a mid-life crisis, believe me, he'll see this real quick. Not only that, if he and the OW have not lived together yet, oh boy, is he in for a rude awakening. When she becomes a nag and a pain in the butt, he may come running back home!!<P>Like I said, in either case, it is a gamble for you. Personally, I'd decline the 30 day trial and allow him to be with OW with no contact with me for 30 days. But that's because I know I couldn't take feeling like I was "auditioning," or something. I'd be more apt to make HER be the one who has to prove herself to him, putting all the pressure on HER to perform.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.
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Good things to think about! I e-mailed him from the motel last night:<BR>"30 years = 30 day trial period. Is that what you're suggesting?"<BR>His e-mail back was "It's not a trial period" <BR>My responce was "So what is it with her waiting in the wings for a month?"<BR>I'm off this morning (2 hr. drive) to visit my best friend - a truely wise woman who has helped so much during this 3 months (yes, he's been trying to decide between us since I found out 3 months ago) Don't know if I will go home tonight or not. Will check back later for advice. Thanks so much.
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Hey<P>Sorry it took so long for me to respond. Went to bed. <P>What I meant about suing her is we have a law in NC, actually two, that I can use. One is "Alienation of Affection". All I have to prove is that there was a marriage in tact with affection and that she knowingly and willfully sought to steal him. I can even sue her for it if we stay married as the suit is against her. The other is "Criminal Conversation" and that is if she had sex with my husband while he was married to me, as this is my husband and only I have the right to have sex with him. I don't know where you live but if you get the "Lifetime for Women" channel on your TV there is a movie playing now called "The Price of a Broken Heart". It is based on an actual NC case where a woman sue for the alienation case, won and was awarded one million dollars. The movie was made after the supreme court ruling that upheld the verdict. So, my lawyer has already informed her that she is next. My friend who is married for 28 yrs, to a Dr. who left her for his nurse, is suing her [censored] too. It is a way to feel like the OW is exposed and some vendication. <P>With you in a great job, house paid off, kids grown, I'd say do whatever the hell you want. If you don't want to give goofy the 30 days, then don't. He has no right to subject you to hoop jumping for 30 days. Sometimes we have to lose what we have to want it and that is only a question that you can answer.<P>My heart goes out to you in this difficult time. Good luck.<P>ubu
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Kate, I've been married 25 years. My H is in the middle of his crisis. I've been waiting for a year for him to "decide" "what he wants and who he wants to be with". I've had enough. Our dream house was put on the market and sold within a week. I am moving tomorrow to an apartment and he has seperation papers in hand. <P>He is really overcome with guilt. He has cried for the last two days. I told him when we had house contract that all it would take for me not to move would be for him to (a) follow through with meds/therapy for his depression/midlife crisis (b) stop seeing ow (who he says he hasn't seen for several mos) and (c) make a commitment to work on the marriage. He says he can't make a full hearted commitment. Yet says he hopes I won't give up on him. At 45 years old, I'm not going to sit by the phone for the next ten years waiting on him to figure it out.<P>I have really been down the last two days as well. Just looking at my beautiful house and remembering the hard labor we put into and all the thought of color schemes, etc. My heart breaks. Not really making money on it either (we had a lot in it and only lived in it a year and a half). The apartment is nice, but you know how it is -- it isn't my house. <P>How come most women make it through menopause without all this crap? I've been through it and the last thing on my mind was another man and breaking up my precious family.<P>Kate, only you know how much you can endure.
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Janie<P><BR>Thank goodness that someone else in going through "menopain" too. It really puts a totally different spin on things, doesn't it? I am on the patch and progestrin 12 days out of the month. Tried 2 other therapies, that made me sick. <P>What are you doing?<P>Ubu
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Kate<P>I don't blame you, the 30 day trial would insult me too! I remember my attorney once telling me that if a spouse wants a seperation or a divorce the best thing you can do is make them LIVE it. Give them a taste of what it will be like and if there is anything left to save in the marriage, that will do it. I know from my husband's experience, when he moved out from his home with his ex he was living in the basement of a relative. That almost killed him! He missed his home, his kids, his things and it was lonely! That was the time when he almost returned to work on his marriage. If your husband is dragging his feet I think he should be told that he can have his time to get his head on straight but it's not going to be a particular date or time span. Tell HIM to remove him self from the home and from you. Tell HIM you need your space too and when he makes his decision you may or may not be there for him. Let him know that your not some door mat that has welcome across your forehead every time he has a change of heart. Let him know he may return with a sign on the door saying "No Vacancy!" Sometimes realizing he may loose you is enough of a kick in the shorts! I know from seeing other relationships almost end, it was usually the strong woman that didn't beg and showed that she could get a long just fine without her husband was the one's that usually got them back!
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HI Ubu,<BR> We just moved to NC and I was wondering what the laws are in NC.....is it a nofault state? Guess not, since one can sue for alienation of affection....Can you give me some more info? We're fine .... just like to know the local laws(just in case- can you tell I'm not totally secure?!!!) Thanks for the info! Lu
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Amen, amen amen. I love that Bonniesept. It sounds like maybe you were the OW..One thing that I found out was that when he is still in the home and you are all to pieces or pissed off, whichever day it is, and he goes to the OW, he gets just all the good stuff from her. And it is an unrealistic relationship. Mine would go from a house with a distraught wife and hurt children to a small apt. what the OW rented when she left her H for mine. And they would just bond and have their little fantasy life. And then when he came home I was irate and here we go.<P>I agree 100% with Bonnie. Reality is a real eye opener. When I finally did make him leave after 3 years, honey I just did my own thing and when he came to get the kids for visitation and would invite me along, I would just go "sorry, I have plans". One time I had met this older man at a golf tournament who was rich so I gave him my number and he called while the H was standing in the hallway and my daughter, who was 8 and innocent, said "mommy it's Ed for you." So when he asked to come home, he was for real. <P>
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Thank you for all the wonderful opinions. I came home this afternoon and we talked. He said I was right last week when I said I thought he knew in his heart he wanted to come back but didn't know how. He also said he manipulated OW into offering the no contact for her self esteem (abused over and over - he didn't want to be one more guy dumping on her - POOR POOR THING). Said he has already arranged that in a month he will leave a message saying he wants to continue with the marriage (this was a gradual withdrawal for her - in a month she'll be able to handle it better - GUTLESS WONDER) Evidently she called this morning to cancel the deal and he said NO. She ranted and raved (I asked compared to my lovebusting ranting and raving and he said much much worse). She was upset that he always defends me and takes my side and is actually upset at me for holding on........ Boy did he see a side of her that hadn't surfaced before. We both expect her to try to make contact but he says that will not matter, he is resolved. He also does not anticipate any withdrawal????????????????? Also ready to tackle the underlying midlife crisis. SO.... I agreed that he could move back. I know there is much work ahead but need to give it a shot
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Great news Kate! Now hang on. It may get rough in a while.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>
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Good for you!!! Like was said, it may be bumpy, so keep a heads up attitude. and good luck.<P>Lu,<P>The Alienation of Affection thing is good and can be used even if you stay married. You just have to be able to prove that you had genuine affection in the marriage and that the OP sought to steal and destroy the marriage. <P>The criminal conversation is that the OP had sex with your spouse, which is your sole right and by contract against the law. <P>Look for the movie on Lifetime for Women on cable now called The Price of a Broken Heart. It is a great case that happened in NC and the wife won one million that was upheld on appeal.<P>So, yes we have options. Welcome to NC.
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I saw the movie and it was great - would have loved the OW to have been dropped by the h thought - but I guess it was real life....................
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