Here is what I want to ask Dragonfire:

a) do you want to save your marriage?

b) if so, do you have the strength to endure a 2 week Plan A where you make friendly overtures to him about the future?

You are the only one who is qualified to answer those questions. I know he has done some crummy things. All WS's do. But many of them do an 180 degree change. Your H is not irredeemable. No one is.

DF I hope you're not overwhelmed by the action going on here. Know we all have your best interest at heart. Only you can decide what is best for you and your family. I agree - you are one tough chicky.

Some people just don't have sense to keep from wading into the fray. Apparently, I fall into that group. I'm somewhat shocked and very disappointed in myself.


(2) Here's a brief description of MS. I do not know whether she has the relapsing or the progressive form. Stress helps neither, that much is sure. She will have this the rest of her life, and she can anticipate a normal life span.

Almost any neurological symptom can appear with the disease, and often progresses to physical and cognitive disability. MS takes several forms, with new symptoms occurring either in discrete attacks (relapsing forms) or slowly accumulating over time (progressive forms). Between attacks, symptoms may go away completely, but permanent neurological problems often occur, especially as the disease advances.

(3) It would be common for her physical symptoms to get more severe over the course of her life. Her husband is already embarrassed by her crutch. How will he feel about the wheelchair? Will he help feed her and change her if she gets to the place where she can't do these things for herself? I am not an MB success story. I'm not an MB story at all, except as Neak's mother. I don't think there are many people here who would trade their marriage, on a day-to-day basis, for mine. My husband can be a cantankerous old coot, but I do know this: If I was sick, had a stroke, a heart attack, became paralyzed, whatever, that man would have my back. He would take care of me, or if he was unable to do it himself, he'd see that it got done right. He may have annoyed the heck out of me right up to the moment of my medical emergency, but by George, he'd be a faithful rock the moment I needed someone to hold onto. Can DF imagine Mr. DF ever doing the same for her? If he can't be a real husband with this degree of "sickness", and if health isn't coming back, will he be her husband when the "sickness" part gets deeper and more difficult? I'm skeptical on that myself, based on what she's said. Only she really can really hazard an educated guess, though.

(4) Yes, a divorce would be stressful, as well as a recovery. The difference there is that the divorce process comes to an end. It is finite and then finished. Recovery can limp along for years, well after a divorce would have rendered the marriage dead and decently interred. Trying for recovery is no guarantee of recovery. It is a guarantee of long-term, high stress. It nearly wiped Neak off the map, and she was healthy to start out with. A woman with MS needs to do some very careful, medically-advised considering before she puts herself into the recovery wringer.

(5) She can be just as nice as she wants to be regarding a Plan A. It would take a LOT of savoir faire to pull something like that off at this very moment, but if she thinks she can, more power to her. Even if she has no intention of reconciling, if she herself is sweet and lets her solicitors be tough--bad cop to her good cop--she may have a much easier time in getting through the next few weeks and months...and a better chance of getting what she wants, too.

(6) Let the dust settle, dear DragonFire, before you make your final decision. Protect yourself any way you need to do so, but give yourself time to decompress and think. You've been in your "fight-or-flight" response mode for a couple of weeks now. It's time to let the adrenaline, the stress hormones, that hyped you up and kept you going on so little sleep, begin to return to normal levels. Don't make any decisions during this time, under the influence of great stress, that are impossible to change if you want to change them, once the situation slows down.

And good luck. All of it.

tl

DragonFire...I just read your story here and must say your H sounds as if you have been the one to hold the family and relationship together for years without much contribution from him. You sound like a "caretaker" personality who manages to take care of everyone else but yourself until your own health fails and you MUST take care of yourself. When you need him, he can't measure up to the task.

I'm in therapy and working through some things but generally I lead a very positive life with positive people in it. I cut the chaos and negative crap he brought into my life out.
I'm very glad I stopped his ability to impact my life. My decision. I'm living with it and it was right for me.

Hi Dragon, I have been gone for two weeks and found your story last night, and I must say while I was reading your story with my husband Wheels I kept saying "I LIKE HER!!" I think I might have said it like 15 times

You know exactly what you want

Your smart!

You got things DONE when you found out about it! Most BS takes atleast 2 weeks to finally decide to DO SOMETHING about their WS.

Your strong! With everything that is going on in your life, you can still take care of your two boys, and I do believe that is your main focus!

And you won't tolerate your husband treating you this way, I just love how fast you are with this and how organized you are...


I don't have any advice because you have gotten so many good ones! I just wanted to comment and let you know that you are an amazing woman! And I would be soo proud to have you as a mother! Your boy's are soo lucky and blessed to have you in their life's.

You are in my prayers!

Guess What -

WH has taken a Court Order out on me for sending the e-mails to my Friends for Intimidation, Harrassement!

Meant to add

Sapphire is my birth stone - September 3rd - Big 5 - 0

[quote=DragonFire]

What does that mean exactly, DF?

I think that will back fire in his face.

I don't know yet - I'm told I'll be 'served' tomorrow. So that's when I'll know more.
I've called a friend of mine, who's a Corporate Lawyer, he said he can't see anything in the e-mails that could be 'defamation of character, harrassment, and how can I intimidate him'

So I don't know