This not an unusual feeling for a new BS. You have not read that much around here yet.

PA does not seem natural. Not at first. MB leads you to a new way of thinking about your M, and recovery. I believe that is why it is sucessful.

Keep reading and posting. Kicking her out was understandable, because you simply did not know. Now you have the info (and the friends) who will help you make a plan.

Good luck to you. Try not to beat yourself up. There is help. You have come to a great place to find it.

user, it is much harder to save a marriage if you are apart. I would ask her to come back home. But only on the condition that she commit to recovering this marriage using Marriage Builders concepts. MB is completely different from any other program in that restores romantic love. If you are in love, it is much easier to fix the problems in the marriage.

I would suggest getting Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs and the workbook Five Steps to Romantic Love and following the program in there. [they sell them cheap on this website]

As long as you can correct the problems in your marriage that led to this, you can recover your marriage.

But I would ask her to commit to a) affair proofing this marriage and b) commit to recovery.

Please read and fully accept what ML has said in her post. YOUR WIFE MUST COMMIT TO YOUR MARRIAGE, if this is going to have any chance of success. You CANNOT unilaterally put back together what she independently shattered.

Toward that end, getting the books listed above is a great start, and getting her to read them is the next critical step. You should be convinced of HER intentions before investing in the recovery process. A salient fact in evidence in the hundreds of threads on this site is that a "false recovery" is manifestly worse that no attempted recovery at all.

Slightly modifying ML's enjoinder, remember:

Thank you for your responses. I am still learning, reading, re-reading over and over. It is hard to digest all that is going on and try to apply these ideas while I am emotionally torn up.

I had a peaceful conversation with my WW today. After begging for the truth, she admitted that the A has been a PA since Aug/Sep 2008. TheRoad called it early on in his reply... I am being trickle truthed. She feels remorseful, embarrassed, ashamed, disappointed, etc. So, one year after our marriage, she started a PA with another man. It's like the hurt is starting all over again. I am trying to be kind, thoughtful and understanding without being judgmental. The question to me now is whether or not she can handle being committed to a marriage. One year into our marriage she has oral with OM? One year?? And then a few months later we get pregnant??? I have scheduled a paternity test.

Expect a lot more trickle truth for awhile still. If you want to avoid the trickle truth, ask her to take a poly. That way you can know EVERYTHING before you decide what it is that you want to do. Even if you decide to end this marriage, you can and should implement these concepts in any future relationships. It won't be time and learning wasted.

What prompted your WW to tell you "the truth?" Did you tell her that you wanted a paternity test? Could it be that your WW has some sneaking suspicion that your DD MAY NOT be yours? Just wondering how you got her from telling you that it was only a couple of weeks to a couple of years?

You would have to ask her that question. Would she be willing to open up her life completely so that it would be impossible to carry on a secret second life? Would she agree to never have any opposite sex friendships, girls night outs, unaccounted for time? Would she ante up all passwords, etc?

If you can swing it, the online program they offer at MArriage Builders would be ideal, because they assign you a marriage coach who assesses your sitution and walks you through the whole program via weekly lessons. You would have daily access to Dr Harley on the weekend forum, so if you ran into trouble you could ask him or your coach. They also send you all the books, workbooks, etc and you start off by watching the seminar over the computer. It runs about $1000 but is worth every penny, IMO. My H and I went through the same course ourselves and it made an amazing difference.

Here is the link: Marriage Builders online program

User,

this stood out to me

OM thought it best to stop so that he could save his marriage

She still sees OM as a good guy, you have to tell OMW the full extent of the affair which will make it more likely that OM disowns your wife.

God Bless
Gamma

I did tell her that I wanted a paternity test. She says that she felt comfortable telling more of the truth today because I approached her more gently. I was hurt and listening, not angry with her. I asked her for the truth respectfully. She says she withheld because she assumed I was going straight for divorce and she didn't want to dig the knife in further if it was already going to be over.

She admitted when I caught her that it was emotional for 2 years, but only today did she admit that in the first month it was a PA. So, now, her story is that it was physical (oral) in the first month of the affair (2 years ago) and it was physical in the last month of the affair (this past month). Hard for me to believe it was not physical in between. I don't believe it.

Thanks, MelodyLane. She says that she doesn't know if she wants the marriage at this point. She doesn't know if she can live with me not forgiving her, not trusting her, etc. I don't think the fog is clear yet. I don't think she understands how big of a deal this is. I think 5 years from now she will regret all of this so much.

you should tell her that you will give her an opportunity to EARN your forgiveness and your trust. But they are not entitlements. And then tell her how she can do that. User, I would let her know that you are not interested in taking her back without that, but would be willing to give her chance if she did certain things.

Check out this article by Dr Harley about forgiveness:
Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

OMW knows now. We've discussed. The OMW says she is done with their marriage and divorce is a certainty for them. I suppose this opens up the can of worms of whether or not the OM is now pursuing my WW again.

This morning my WW swore up and down that there had been NC since the D-Day. Another lie. My WW admitted this afternoon (when we met with the priest) that they had in fact spoken 6 days ago. More lies, more hurt...

I would make as much trouble as possible for him. Go have a chat with him, expose to his parents. Every time you find out about contact, go visit him. OM are pansies and they do not want trouble.

I would tell him there is no future with your wife because he will be eternally hated by your inlaws and your child. Let him khow there is no future for him here.

I suppose this opens up the can of worms of whether or not the OM is now pursuing my WW again

Likely not the excitement and secrecy of the affair is over, they now have to look at each other in the light of day.

God Bless
Gamma

Good point, Gamma. I had not thought of it that way.

MelodyLane, thank you so much for the Forgive/Forget article. The first letter and response is a really helpful way to think about forgiveness.

ML, when you say trouble, what do you mean?

Update: I spent 1/2 hour with my WW and her parents last night. I felt like it was necessary that we all get on the same page. Here is what I told them: I asked my WW for a few things: NC, get tested for STDs, stay out of the house. I asked her to consider stopping alcohol entirely for now. It occured to me yesterday that almost all of the sexual infidelity she admitted to occured during or after the use of alcohol. That's not to say it is the reason, but it reduces inhibitions. I asked her to take every precaution to ensure NC, including changing phone # if necessary. I told her that it was possible that she could earn trust and forgiveness back, but they were not entitlements. She would have to earn it. To earn it, she would have to have NC, to consider my feelings and my DD feeling's in all decisions, that she would have to be totally honest about then, now and in the future. I told them I would not tolerate another man being around my DD. I told them that we had to get through this crisis in order to improve our marriage and focus on each other's emotional needs. I asked them all to take me very seriously and to take everything I said to heart.

Who knows where this is going? I pray that things go the way THE LORD wants them to go. I am in so much shock and pain. Yesterday, which was two weeks ago D-day, she admitted more infidelity with the OM beginning before we were even pregnant.. and the hurt started all over again. She also admitted to breaking NC one week ago.

I am doing my best, going to MC, trying to be kind and thoughtful. Unless she can come totally clean and have NC, I feel like I am running out of options. And, it is just so sad because I don't think she fully understands what she is doing and I don't think she fully understands how hard this will be on her down the road when we have to explain to our daughter.

Starting off on a sad trail today

Hi user12345,
Stay strong and take cake of yourself and your daughter, you have laid it down on the line with your wife now and have requested a paternity test to make sure your child is yours, I know that must be heartbreaking to even think about.....
If she isn't willing to give up all contact with the other man and work on re-building your marriage then you must move on with your life....
Plan A as well as you can at this moment, she will see a caring man even though she has been a selfish, hurtful person.....
Expose everyone close to her, the OM's family and friends, make it difficult for them to continue the relationship.....
I know the pain you are feeling and it's all new, I know it gets better with time, each day gets a little better, my therapist says it can never be as it was but you can build something newer and better for the two of you......if she is willing....you can get through this......Tell her you love her and that you always have and that you want to work through this so both of you will be happy.
Follow what your gut is saying at this point and listen to the vets here, they have saved many a marriage....some in a worst position then yours....
I'll be praying for you, but remember it takes about 6 months or so of no contact for the affair fog to lift.......longevity is the goal

It has been painful up to now...now it is going to be tough. Tough because you have to stick to your guns (plan), and that I beleive is one of the hardest thing for BS's to do.

No one does PA or PB perfectly, there will be ups and downs, I beleive the best way for you to recover is to listen very carefully to the advice here.

Good luck to you.

BC

Trouble means exposing, confronting, causing as much ruckus as possible. For example, going to see him in person will cause conflict in the affair. Exposing to his parents and facebook friends.