I am having a lot of trouble with something and am hoping I can get some insight from you all.

Quick summary: I am a FWW. DDay & NC since 1/29/2010. Working MB plan from my side but H not on board (with MB). Slowly making baby steps toward recovery but understand it will take a looooong time and a lot of work for me to make up for the crime I committed.

Here is the question . . . . I have been working to do anything and everything to make my BH feel comfortable and make up for what I did. I only do what he wants. However, it really aggravates him for me to do things with my son (his stepson). Here are two examples: He is mad that I have taken some vacation days to stay home with my son who is 9 during summer vacation. He believes my son should have stayed at home by himself. He is mad because there is a kick off parents meeting for soccer on Wednesday night. I don't feel comfortable going. But . . . . I am scared to let my son down. Should I neglect my son to appease my BH? Or should do what my son needs even if it angers my BH?

u233sws, have you tried to POJA this? Even if your BH is not on board w/ MB, I think he could appreciate you sitting down and saying to him "I know we have been butting heads over these issues with our son/stepson. Instead of just considering the two options we've discussed, what if we see if there's some possibility we're missing? Maybe it's time to try some crazy brainstorming to see if we can come up with a solution you're both happy with!"

Or something to that effect. Who knows? It could open up communication so you both understand better where the other is coming from, and it could yield a fine solution.

U22,
Did your H have a good R with stepson prior to A?

Does he not trust you because you had the A when you were with stepson or used that as an excuse to meet OM?

A 9 year old boy should not be home by himself. In most states it is illegal till they are at least 10 or 12 depending on the state. Check your state requirements and this is a logical choice why you will need to take vacation time.

Suggest that both of you go to the parent's meeting for soccer. Soccer is a demanding sport for the parents and you both need to be on the same page with this one.

Good luck

U2333, use the policy of joint agreement. Do you have the book Lovebusters? If not, I would get that and jump to Part 3, Resolving conflicts over children. There is a good case study along with a resolution about a step family situation like yours.

Why is your h not on board with Marriage Builders? Does he know about it?

How to Raise Children in a Blended Family and Keep Love in Your Marriage


How to Raise Children in a Blended Family and Keep Love in Your Marriage #2

Thanks for the replies. I agree that a 9 year old shouldn't be left alone all day. That's why I did take about 5 different vacation days this summer to stay home with him when he had nowhere else to go. It was thrown in my face yesterday when the soccer meeting subject was raised. I asked BH to come with me and he said no. He doesn't believe in attending children's activities (not just my son's, his bios as well).

POJA - trying hard on this and most of the time it works well for us. Issues regarding my son are maybe the one exception. BH's relationship with DS is no different post A than pre A. This has always been a problem.

Melodylane, thanks for the links. I have only read SAA, not Lovebusters so I will plan on checking it out.

I know it is obvious for the average person (meaning not a former wayward) that a child's needs must be met no matter what. It's just that after what I did, it seems like all of the normal rules have to be thrown out of the window. That's why I brought it to you guys. This forum is the only place to get rational isight for a post-A life.

ML - yes, he knows about Marriagebuilders and knows that it is the basis for my efforts to recover our mariage. I think he sees the positive effects of the MB concepts but is not a devotee himself. In the meantime, I am sticking with MB. I know that we could not have come as far in these 6 months without MB.

Yes, exactly a child's NEEDS must be met. But you have to be sure that what you're defining as a need is actually that, a need. A child needs food, shelter, clothes, love and care. They need stability - which is created by a loving set of parents - not just loving as in loving the child, but loving as in loving EACH OTHER. Your relationship with your husband, though not your son's biological father, forms the foundation of his home life.

Food is a need, a home is a need, soccer is NOT a need. Soccer is a want. Soccer is an extra. Your son will not die without soccer.

It's a matter of priority. If your son's most pertinent needs are met you should focus on the needs of your marriage. POJA is essential. If your husband is not on board with something for your son, then it must be negotiated. Because one of your son's most important needs is a healthy relationship between you and your husband.

I also recommend getting the Love Buster's book. There is a great section on blended families. The basic premise is that blended families are VERY difficult to make work - because often the parent places the needs and wants of the children first, forcing the other spouse to 'just deal' because the kids are more important. This is a damaging perspective for the marriage. You and your husband need to be on the same page, if he isn't then you must negotiate to get there. Using the excuse that 'my son needs X' when you're describing a want, and not a need will only serve to alienate your husband.

I agree that something should be done about leaving the boy all alone during the day at only 9 years old. However deciding to take days off is Independent Behavior. Instead of unilaterally deciding to take days off, you should present the problem to your husband, describe your concerns and negotiate a solution WITH him.

This is definitely a toughie. I see your situation falling between two extremes: on one side, you could use your son a shield, making sure you aren't available to your husband physically or emotionally. On the other extreme, you have people like Susan Smith, that lady who actually killed her children because her boyfriend didn't want kids. (Wasn't there a case in arizona recently where a mom allowed stepdad to kill her son, too?)
Anyway, clearly, you're not at either end of this spectrum, and POJA should find a happy medium. I have a big problem with you neglecting your son just to appease your BH. I don't know your whole story, but if you've been pawning your son off on people all summer and are even CONSIDERING leaving him home alone, you're not taking care of him. I have a 9-year-old son, too, and there is NO WAY I would leave him home alone for more than 10 minutes.
And as far as soccer goes, I say support your son there, as long as your OM isn't in the picture at the soccer fields. I'm going to go back and read your story, but my guess is that you are not happy with the way your husband ignores the needs of others over his own, especially the needs of children. (Yes, Vibrissa, soccer is not a NEED, but if the boy feels like the BH's "wants" are always above his, then he "needs" to feel like his mom loves him first and foremost. Everyone else in the picture is a grown up and should understand this "need."
OK, I'll go read your story and see what I'm not getting the first time....

Her son may want to do soccer. Her son may resent his desires being put aside for his step-father. I understand that, my mother did it all the time.

However, putting the son first over the husband is a sure way to destroy this marriage, especially now as it is recovering from her extreme IB in having an affair. A divorce will be even MORE harmful to her son than a little resentment over not doing soccer.

If she has a high need for Family Commitment (which this boils down to) then she has an obligation to explain that to her husband, let him know how she'd like this need to be met, and negotiate a way to do so. The solution is not to use IB to unilaterally put him in soccer, or take time off.

It is a DJ and an SD to tell her husband "he's a grownup and SHOULD understand her son's needs". Any time one spouse uses the word SHOULD on their partner, they are Love Busting.

The solution here is POJA and negotiation. I know you see that, but then you give the impression that she should put her son's wants first and tell her husband he's a grown man and just needs to 'understand'. I disagree.

"If she has a high need for Family Commitment (which this boils down to) then she has an obligation to explain that to her husband, let him know how she'd like this need to be met, and negotiate a way to do so."--Vibrissa
.
I totally agree.
.
.
Now, I just read U233's thread and no where in it can I find what attracted her to the OM. What was he doing to fill her lovebank? What was H doing to drain it? From what I see, U233, there cannot be recovery without these answers.
You say you're an engineer, and so am I, so maybe this will help explain it: If you can't figure out what the sink was, where and why this hole in your lovebucket was, it really doesn't matter how much energy and or love you pour on top--it will all eventually drain via your sink.
So what was it? Why were you vulnerable to the A in the first place? What unresolved issues were in your M? Was it because of this kids thing? You mention that you have a 9-year-old from a previous marriage, and you say you and H adopted a young (girl?) as well. There is no other mention of "children" except an offhand remark you made on this thread about H treating "his kids" the same way. So there are children from a previous marriage or relationship on his side? What's the situation here?
Here's what I'm saying--and this is coming from a BS--there is absolutely nothing that the BS could have done that DROVE you to have an A. HOWEVER, the BS very much could have played a role in the degeneration of your relationship.
Can you give us more personal background? You say H is four years from retirement--are you also? Should I presume you are much younger than your H or maybe that your H plans to retire at 50? Can you give us more of a frame of reference?
Thanks.

U233sws, it would be helpful if you stick to one thread. It's too hard to keep up with multiple threads for one person.

Vibrissa - point taken about soccer not being a need. I agree, it certainly isn't. And yes - one of the most important things I can do for my son is to hold this M together and maintain a loving environment in our home.

Imanotherone - i probably should have stuck to my original thread so people wouldn't have to do any searching. I'll try to answer all of the questions:
Me - 35, BH - 50, 3 children from his previous marriage, 1 from my previous marriage, 1 adopted daughter.
I have tried not to describe problems in our marriage before A because I understand it is irrelevant. It was 100% my fault that I had an A and therefore I try not to point out the LB's and unmet EN's that existed pre-A. Since my lack of boundaries and morals led to me having an A I feel like I lost the right to complain about how bad things were pre-A.
How was POSOM filling my love bank? He wasn't. In my warped state of mind I thought he was but post Dday and exposure I saw how pathetic it was. What was I doing? Shopping around for someone to love me. I had given up on BH. The fog dissolved over about a 5 minute period as my H told OMW about the A and told POSOM he would physically injure him if any contact were to occur again. I went from having "given up" on H to clinging desparately to him. Amazing things happen after exposure.

Anyway, we are inching very slowly toward recovery. I see my M and my BH's happiness as the most important thing in life (along with taking care of the children obviously).

Safe Kids USA (non profit advocate for child safety) suggest that 12 is the minimum age at which a child should be left alone.

�Children under age 12 don�t have the cognitive ability to recognize risk and, just as important, don�t have the cognitive maturity to react to the risk or accident once it happens."

It is not simply a matter of maturity, it is one of cognitive ability. I suggest that your husband review material on this topic. Please do not negotiate your child's well being.

While I applaud your taking responsibility here, the problems in your marriage are relevant. Yes, you must repair the damage from the affair - but you must also AFFAIR PROOF your marriage. I believe you've read SAA? Now it's time to read His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters. They area both focused on creating a marriage in which an affair just CAN'T happen.

OM DID meet some of the needs you were missing. Yes, it was sick and pathetic, but you must LEARN from this experience or you will repeat it. What needs did he meet? What was missing. This is important.

You need to develop a plan in which you and your husband discover and meet each other's ENs.

U233,

I wonder if your BHs' sense of resentment towards your child is similar to what I feel towards my MIL.

When my marriage was in a horrible place a few years ago, my wife would go directly from being nasty to me, and in the next instant put on a happy face for my MIL. She was even nice to OM4, but since OM4 is not around anymore, the associations in my mind are all on MIL.

At the time it seemed to me grossly unfair how I was treated compared to how my wife treated others.

Does you child remind your H of the affair in some way.

God Bless
Gamma

I don't see how it's not relevant to discuss what was WRONG with your marriage in the first place. That doesn't make any sense. So, you're saying that the OM made you feel "loved" (albeit temporarily). Well,
WHAT
IS
IT
THAT
MAKES
YOU
FEEL
LOVED?
You and your H need to know the answer to this question or you'll be either miserable or in an affair again.
Is it when your spouse helps you nurture the children? Is it because he is a good provider? Is it because he is open and honest with you? Do you see where I'm going with this?
WHAT ARE YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS?
Also, it seems to me that being an involved parent is important to you. What kind of relationship does your H have with his children from previous marriage? Have they always been close, or is he an absentee dad?
By the way, I only read or original thread, so if there are multiple threads out there, I think you can hit the "notify" button at the bottom and have all of these threads merged into one. I'd strongly suggest that, to keep you from having to repeat yourself.

I�m going to be a rather controversial voice here, but I have a perspective where I simply don�t understand a mindset that puts a non bio parent ahead of one�s own child.

Your H is being grossly unreasonable, to the point of child endangerment. I could care less if he�s a BS. If my spouse advocated that I leave my children alone for the better part of the day (something she�d never do), but if she did, then I would tell her that she better re-examine that position or she will find herself with legal papers in hand.

Likewise, going to a soccer meeting for your son is important and you should do it. Your son didn�t ask for any of this drama. He didn�t ask for you to split with his father, and he certainly didn�t ask you to marry this idiot of a man who wants to leave him alone for the better part of a day and not support his extra curricular activities.

Frankly, the world would be better off if parents put their children first in their dating decisions and kick to the curb anyone who didn�t understand that they were joining a family that has its own needs. They can either support those needs or find someone else to marry.

Ok, you were the WW. Fine. I understand you wish to save your marriage. But your son doesn�t have to suffer because your H is being unreasonable, irresponsible, and capricious.

It�s no wonder his first marriage failed if this is how he treats his own children.

Your son deserves better from you. You want a better environment for your son? Then tell your H to get onboard or get a lawyer, but that you�re not going to sacrifice giving your son a normal childhood just because he doesn�t believe in actually acting like a parent.

Your son would be better off with you as a single mom focusing on him rather than having an a$$ of a stepdad in his life who leaves him alone and believes he shouldn�t do normal childhood things.

If your son�s real dad is a good man and a good dad, then your son would be better off with him instead of this idiot.

I have to agree with helpthelostdads on this one.

The problem I have is that you married someone who obviously does not share the same values when it comes to child rearing. Big mistake. Did you RUSH into this marriage with your current husband? Did you discuss how you were going to raise your children? Did you discuss discipline? It sounds like you have a lot of backtracking to do.

Is the problem with the differences in which you choose to raise your children part of the breakdown of your marriage in the firt place?

You are both going to have to sit down and get serious about how to move forward in regards to your children, otherwise, your resentment will build up in regards to the DISregard to their needs.

No child should be left alone at age 9 in the home for any length of time without supervision. That is neglect.

If you put someone else ahead of your son and you put your son in an environment where he is clearly not the priority, then you will raise a very emotionally messed up kid.

Your child didn�t ask for the destruction of your first marriage, and it is obvious that he wasn�t considered much when you married this man.

A child�s needs are BIGGEST consideration for a person seeking to marry again.

I say this as someone who was single for a while before I found a woman who understood that I have 3 children who are shared with their biological mother and around whose schedule my life is dictated. I only have one kid free weekend per month and my summers are with them fulltime.

I broke up with a woman who wasn�t going to be compatible with my values with my kids. She had views which were directly contradictory to what I wanted to teach my kids. As much as I may have liked her, I wasn�t dating for just me but for my kids as well.

I�m lucky and have found someone who understands the demands the kids have in my life and she is willing to help with them.

Your H is exhibiting seriously disturbing behavior. Sure, you were a WW. No excuse for that. But don�t stay married at the expense of your son.

Everything you have said is how I feel in my gut. I am just trying desparately to hold it all together. My goal is to balance my son's needs and BH's needs at the expense of my own.

After reading what helpthelostdads has written, I am really thinking carefully . . . is it really as bad as you have described? Is there really that much tension between my son & H? I think my view of things falls somehwere between Vibrissa & Helpthelost dads.

I have asked the mods to merge this thread with my original.