In February I found out my husband was having an affair. At first he said it was purely a sms (communication) relationship. After many, many lies and two months later he eventually admitted that it was a sexual relationship with a person in another town - they would meet once a month in a hotel and spend the day together. Naturally my world was devastated - all I had believed in was gone. I never thought it would happen to me, I thought we had a good marriage with normal relationship issues. The affair is over and we are trying to built our relationship and marriage.
We have both read your website seperately and we are both committed to working through your steps.
With regards to working through your steps, I have a few questions:
- Now that we have been through the website separately, should we take the time to go through each article together?
- Should we discuss the articles and what resonates with each of us?
- Should we make notes as we are agreeing on things?
- At what stage do we say "our marriage is great, we can relax and let it happen naturally?"
- Should we also be seeing a marriage counselor together? We have been for 3-4 sessions, but my husband felt that it was soul destroying for him to see me express my hurt. I've continued to see the counselor on my own.

On a personal level, I'm struggling to understand how long this pain will last. My husband feels I need to move on and put the affair behind us and focus on the future. I agree in principle but it is hard to put on a smiling face and pretend it never happened. I also feel that I need an opportunity to have my questions answered. I also need a commitment from my husband that leaves me feeling secure, loved and desired.
I want to meet the other woman, not on a confrontational level but to put a face to her and to openly discuss her situation (she is also married) and advise her to work on her marriage. I walk around wondering what she looks like, why he found her attractive, and how I measure up to her? I know that it is stupid but I feel that it would put closure on the affair and help me move on.

Please advise and let me know what is best for our relationship.

I am a newbie myself, so I am not much help here as I am still learning. I feel your pain, I am going through it too, and it sucks! Please realize the vets will help you soon! They are more comfort than you can ever imagine! Unfortunately, most of us belong to a club we don't want to belong to, but welcome to MB. Try to read as many of the articles as you can. So sorry for your situation.

KEJ,

My husband feels I need to move on and put the affair behind us and focus on the future.....I also feel that I need an opportunity to have my questions answered.

You need all you questions answered to the level of detail that will leave no loose ends...I left unanswered questions for 20+ years, so please do it now. If he does not agree you might want to get him to take a polygraph.

I want to meet the other woman,...and advise her to work on her marriage.

You need to expose this affair to OW husband, OWH, don't warn you H or OW, this will bring OWH in as an ally to prevent the affair from starting up again.

God Bless
Gamma

KEJ,

Welcome to MB. I am sure you are going to receive a lot of advice. Have you and your H considered getting Harleys Surviving an Affair? Some of your questions are answered there. I'll offer you my take on this and I am sure you will receive a lot more.

First, your H doesn't get it yet. You don't "get over" a betrayal like this, you work through it.

That means he needs to answer your questions about the affair. It means he needs to be honest with you at all times. It means he needs to give you time to grieve and heal. So he is wrong in his approach and he is very typical of many WS.

The reason he stated Is because he does not want to face what he did and that is hurt you deeply. If he won't face that you won't really have recovery or be able to rebuild the marriage. He needs to be going with you to the counselor.

Ok, here a few things for you to consider. In my opinion you should NEVER forget this betrayal. And he should not either. Forgive, yes in your time you should if you feel it is warrented for your mental health and the health of the marriage, but forget??? NEVER. Here is why.

This event is an opportunity for both of you to learn about each other and yourselves. You cannot learn if you forget the event. Your questions and his answers should be directed toward learning so that each of you can make better marriage partners. His affair was entirely his choice, but the state of the marriage is something you both contributed to, so address that. He needs to address his boundaries and why he felt it was acceptable to have the affair, and why he valued himself so little as to become a liar and a cheat.

I hope you two have read Harley's four rules for a good marriage. I also hope you have read about his two polices of radical honesty and joint agreement.

There is much more to say. As you know this is a complex subject, but I'll stop for now and I am sure others will chime in.

Your H needs to contribute a lot more than "get over it and move on" and then shrinking from the shrink because your pain hurts his soul.

Hope something I have said is of help.

God Bless

JL

Wow, thanks you for all your advice and for taking the time to answer. It has really helped me.

Sorry to hear about your situation. You will get a lot of assistance here....

- "Now that we have been through the website separately, should we take the time to go through each article together?"

### Yes! This would be a great way to identify areas where each of you could improve behavior. ###

- "Should we discuss the articles and what resonates with each of us?"

### Yes! This will foster O&H and C, and allow both of you to work together in order to repair the damage. ###

- "Should we make notes as we are agreeing on things?"

### Sure, why not? And if at some point you disagree, you will need to work through those items in order to ultimately reach common ground. ###

- "At what stage do we say "our marriage is great, we can relax and let it happen naturally?"

### A lot of road ahead of you before you get there. Take it one step/stage at a time. Can't rush it. ###

- "Should we also be seeing a marriage counselor together? We have been for 3-4 sessions, but my husband felt that it was soul destroying for him to see me express my hurt. I've continued to see the counselor on my own."

### Lots of counselors focus on prior problems that expand the marital disconnect. Some, who work the MB program, focus on how the two of you can focus on the positives -- meeting each other's EN's, avoiding LB's, and instituting effective EP's...


TBC