This is a quick path to divorce. Sacrifice will cause resentment. Not the way to go.

You guys need to discuss parenting your son as well as the other children. When blending a family, the kids need stability.

WE here have no idea what kind of relationship your husband has with DS, only what you tell us, and from that information, it does not look good. It looks like your husband is just skating by with his own kids.

I absolutely, positively, agree with helpthelostdads. I know here at MB we try to put the spousal relationship first, but as I said in my earlier post, that kind of thinking led Susan Smith to drown her children.
u233, can you give us some more background on your H, and his perspective on child-rearing?
I'll give you a quick snippet from my life:
As angry as I was at my H for his A, and as much as I resent some of our current situation, I can say that both of us have put the children first.
In fact, just this week, we have both accompanied BOTH children on two separate days to their back-to-school registrations (only saw a handful of dads there).
My H actually ran the basketball league for my son's age group and three other age groups because they were going to discontinue the program unless they had some leadership.
My H volunteers approximately 200 hours per year with the kids' schools.
Right now, we don't have a babysitter, and rather than leave the kids home alone, he's working nights and I'm working days until school starts. My DD13 COULD babysit, but we don't want her to be the "boss" of her little brother.
Yes, some people could say that some of this is overkill, but I've got to tell you: our kids are thriving. They both know about his A, and they know I'm having trouble getting past it, but they both clearly appreciate that our love for them is first and foremost.
I mean, it's almost a cliche': Parents getting a divorce say, "but don't worry honey, you'll always be loved by both of us." Yada yada. Then a new spouse comes into the picture and wham! You're left home alone a 9-years-old, and mom makes you drop out of soccer to appease her NEW husband. Yeah, that'll make for a GREAT relationship with stepdad when he's a teenager.
NOT.

Plus, you didn't answer my question about your H's relationship with his bio-kids.... can you enlighten?

Your son should be your number one priority. Yes, BH should be considered because of your A, BUT, none of this should come at the expense of your son!

Yes, it really is that bad. You will have a NASTY and angry teen if he is denied a normal childhood because you put BH first.

I sound harsh, but I'm frustrated at seeing the price paid by kids for the follies of adults.



I saw a woman I know be soooo desperate to be with a man that she bought a house with a guy she barely knew, because she was soooo in love, and he turned out to be abusive. So she exposed her daughters to his temper tantrums and abuse.



Your H's behavior is unacceptable. YOU made a mistake, not your son.



Yes, it really is this black and white. The problem holding you back is fear. Either fear of being alone or overwhelming guilt is paralyzing you.



Put yourself in your son's shoes. What is the relationship with his real father? How badly have you wanted this to work that you've attempted to replace read dad with your BH?

Just question.

Why does your H believe he should NOT attend kids events???

I find this rather astounding.

JL

I have been thinking a lot about what everyone has said. Just a quick answer to what folks ahve asked about my H's relationship with his kids . . . he loves them very much. But, his version of providing for them is strictly monetary. He is probably the root cause of this because he was viewed as the "breadwinner" in his first M. There was no other desire for him but to provide money. He has improved greatly in our M in that regard.

My H has a 1950's mentality. He believes in his heart that a dad should provide money and fix bicycles. In his mind, a dad does not change diapers or take kids to school or extracurricular fucntions.

Because of the 1950's mentality, he believes dads should be harder on sons than daughters. Therefore, he tends to "fuss" at my son and his son much more than our daughter or his daughters. I counteract this as much as possible.

Does this mean that he is not a loving father? I think that he is very loving in many ways. But, those ways do not include shuttling kids to soccer or dance.

To get back to the beginning of this thread . . . . my question is not whether I should COMPLETELY disregard my kids' feelings or needs for the sake of my H. The question is, as a FWW who is in a position of having to make sacrifices to make amends for what I did, how much room do I have to override my H's desires when they are not in line with my childrens'.

And no, I have certainly not tried to replace his dad with his step dad. These questions are only pertinent for the weeks that he is with us.

You two really should read His Needs, Her Needs. You have a high need for Family Commitment. He needs to understand and respect that, and work to fulfill that need. You shouldn't override your husband's desires to meet those of your children's. It shouldn't be an either/or. I understand it is RIGHT NOW, but you should work to eliminate this dynamic.

For example, the issue isn't - should DS be left at home alone. He's 9, he can't be. But the only solution isn't you taking off work - that's IB. The solution is to discuss with your husband and come up with ways to fix the problem. The solution is honest negotiation utilizing POJA. Now he may see no problem with leaving the 9 year old at home. However you are not (and should not!) be enthusiastic about this. So you must negotiate a solution.

You should not be overriding his ideas, ever. Because everything you do affects him and he has just as much a say on the course of his life as you do.

So what do you do?

You really must get him to read HN, HN. You must communicate to him the importance of FC and what that LOOKS like. It isn't just "I would like you to be more involved." But "I would like you to attend x, y, z event. It makes me feel loved and appreciated when you do so."

You must stick to the spirit of POJA. You are the advocate for your son, and have his best interests at heart. You should not be enthusiastic about anything that harms or puts him in danger. You must balance your son's wants/ vs his needs. But you should try to negotiate solutions that make you BOTH enthusiastic. This ensures that your son is happy and cared for and that your husband is as well.

It will be difficult at first. But if you can get your husband to see how important FC is to you. If you can get him to consider doing x, y, and z to meet that need. If you find ways to negotiate, and fully implement POJA then you will find the balance.

It isn't son vs. husband. It shouldn't be. To use that dynamic is to hurt both.

Wonderfully put!!!!!!

Not2fun

POJA is definitely what is missing. I am starting to realize what is the biggest hindrance to us POJA'ing on the soccer issue. I realize from past experience that the sporting events irritate my H. Soooo, I try to handle all of the practices, meetings, games on my own and not "bother" him with them. This is making him feel like I am practicing independent behavior (an I guess I am) and this IB is making him angry/mistrustful. But it is being done in a misguided attempt to avoid making him mad about soccer (or baseball or basketball or cubscouts or whatever).

I think I would be better off taking the risk of making him mad and discussing all sports related events immediately as they are announced.

Yes, you would. Conflict is better than IB and resentment.

I�m baffled that he feels he has a place to be hard on your son. It�s not his role. He�s not the kid�s father. He has zero say in what your son does. He can help or get out of the way.

You�re creating an explosive situation and are in denial that you�re doing so. Expect a teen that will explode on this husband of yours. What I know is that as a teen I�d quit coming to your house in order to not deal with your H and I�d stay at my dad�s house. If your H overstepped with me as a teen, I�d end up reminding him he�s not my father and to go stick it because I could give a crap about his opinion.

THAT is what is coming your way unless you fix this situation and have your H understand his role in your son�s life. The truth is your H is not obligated to participate in any of the things with your son. You can�t force him to care.

I recommend treating your son�s needs as a separate thing and to put a very definite boundary on your H and how he treats your son. I know as your son�s read dad I�d be going ballistic if I found out that another man was being harsh with my son for any reason. I�d file an immediate injunction and for sole custody, ESPECIALLY if I found out you were complicit in leaving my son alone and had an abusive man on top of that willing to be neglectful.

Does your former H know your son is treated this way? I can guarantee that your son will let him know as he gets older.

What you�re demonstrating here is why mixed families have an 85% divorce rate. All of the issues you�re having are things that should have been discussed well before you ever got married. Your son is paying the price for this blind belief that love would conquer all.

Also want to mention - as a BS he may have a VERY low tolerance for IB. Your affair was the epitome of hurtful IB. It will likely be a trigger for him. So not only is he upset about the IB (rightly so) but it will also trigger the memories of the affair.

This is very serious.

Look to Rizos and ElCamino72's story if you want to see how bad this can get. They are currently working on a D because she could never get over her need for IB.

So realize you may be going up against that as well. Your husband may need your sympathy and care on this issue.

Finally - find out WHAT it is about sports and dealing with it that bother him. At the heart of POJA is radical honesty - getting to the ROOT of what you want/don't want, like/don't like. If it is something specific like the travel time, the dealing with other parents, the cost of equipment, etc. That is VALUABLE information for POJA.

What is it EXACTLY he doesn't like. If you can determine that, then you are better informed and can brainstorm a solution that ADDRESSES his concerns.

Information and thoughts/feelings are crucial when Negotiating. It ensures that you achieve TRUE enthusiasm. As you discover what his thoughts are - you should be positive and supportive. Even if it seems trivial to YOU, it is a big deal to him, and thus it MUST be a big deal to you as well.

This is a wonderful opportunity to show love and care for your husband. To show him how to be partners instead of adversaries. To show him that his opinions and feelings are important, and matter to you.

All of these issues need to be discussed very bluntly and openly with your H. You're not his kid's mother. He's not your son's father. He should support his daughter's activities and you can help if you wish and he should do the same with your son.

Discipline is to be left to YOU when it comes to your son and extra curricular activities for him are ultimately YOUR responsibility.

Don't deny your son a life because your H chooses to be a man who doesn't participate in his kid's lives.

This is NOT Marriage Building advice and, in fact, directly contradicts much of MB.

This attitude with lead to the destruction of her marriage, and sorry - soccer isn't worth the pain this boy will feel at seeing ANOTHER marriage crumble from underneath him.

The best scenario is to create a strong marriage and model what that looks like for this boy. The best scenario is for U2 and her husband to have a healthy, loving marriage and for her husband to recognize and fill her need for FC.

IB in favor of her son will destroy her marriage.

I will agree with this SO LONG AS IT IS NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF A CHILD!

I bet this why you get......


Telling her H is place is below that of the kids will surely go over well...........

Not2fun

This isn't either/or. This isn't son vs. husband. That is what you are creating with your advice and that is a recipe for unnecessary conflict. Conflict that will damage the secure environment this child needs - more than anything he needs security.

As my parents divorced at 2 I KNOW first hand what shuffling back and forth from home to home does to a child. They basically feel they have no home.

The child CANNOT trump the husband. Period. Full stop.

Not playing soccer isn't going to emotionally scar this child. The destruction of ANOTHER marriage upon which he builds his sense of security WILL scar this child. It will make it EXPONENTIALLY more difficult for him to achieve successful relationships of his own.

The solution is POJA and a loving, caring marriage where her husband meets her need for FC.


This attitude is destructive and unhelpful. This attitude will HURT this boy more than it will help.

On the contrary. Mixed families have extra demands and things to take into consideration in order to be a success. I come from a mixed family. It succeeded because my Step dad knew his place and my mother knew hers. They participated with each other�s kids only as much as the kids allowed and were comfortable with. He never interjected in discipline issues and each side disciplined their own kids.

So MB advice has to be tweaked some to help with mixed family situations. There are reasons why they have the highest divorce rates. Much of it has to do with the way kids who aren�t related interact with each other and the frictions that exist with step parents and step kids.

Very specific roles need to be defined in such families and a good rule of thumb is to let the biological parent do the disciplining. So having this man who isn�t related to her son �be tougher on him� because he�s a boy is a recipe for disaster in the teen years.

Wowwie:

I do not know what to advise. I am just thinking about you.

BC

9 is really young.