Yes I would recommend this, but with a couple reservations.

1) If you (or anyone reading this who wonders the same thing) are not 100% certain you can control yourself completely even if he does show up, don't do it.

2) Early in recovery I would recommend occasional spot checks. If you start feeling obsessive about checking, don't do it.

3) Once you get past the early stages of R, and WH is beginning to build some trust, don't do it unless you have some indication that something may be happening. If you keep shadowing OW's place for too long it can stall your own R.

So proceed, with caution.

The rest sounds like he's doing well. I like his actions, and like you I'm not impressed by his words. The saving notes sounds very promising, and your wifely efforts are superb!

Hi SHope!

Can you put a GPS tracker in his car?
A few people here have found those to be very helpful.

Thanks Neak, if he & the OW were sneaking around all I would do is take a pic with my phone to send it to the OWBF to expose again. Then I would confront my WH at home after I was calm...probably with a Plan B letter.

I will keep my motives in check so that if I do become obsessed with her or stalking him then I will have to quit! Not healthy for me or my DD! I look forward to being at step 3 in your reply ;-) Where he is building my trust & we are past these early stages of R!

I too like that he is saving my love notes to him...that warms my heart!

Drucilla, I have been seriously thinking of a GPS tracker in his car. I can't find one I can afford right now. Do you know of any links to one that is affordable? I would LOVE one!

I don't feel like a very good wife today as I have been very angry at my WH. Not in front of him, he has no clue. Yet today is one of those days I am sickened by thinking of my husband doing vile & disgusting things with OW & sleeping with one of the OW.

It has been making me wonder why I am trying to work things out with him. It makes me feel like cutting him loose & just starting over on my own.

Then I think about my kids & splitting up our family & sharing custody of our DS & missing my WH because I do love him so much. This rollercoaster of a day is taking it's tole on me. I have wanted to take off my wedding ring today numerous times...I didn't...I wanted to.

I want today to be over with & for tomorrow to be a better day. Last night we had a nice time together & I really enjoyed myself, today I don't even want to look at him.

I need an honest answer, which I probably won't like to hear as I'm scared to death about Plan B. I believe that with my WH, Plan B will become Plan D quickly. So my WH had a super early meeting today at his work. He works 45 mins away...close to the last OW...yes he could pass by the OW's place of work every single day if he wishes too & he could sneak around with her if they wanted to...I don't believe they are as she is working hard on her relationship with her BF/father of their child. Yet who am I to speak on that one???

My question is this. His meeting was over by 7am & we had been texting back & forth a few times. I called just to say Hi & hear my WH's voice instead of texting...so I could hear his voice. He wouldn't answer. Said he was having breakfast with a male co-worker & didn't want to be rude to him. Then he told me when I texted "hey, how come you're not answering your phone?" his reply was "Busy conversing with ___, get over it."

I answered "I don't think it's rude to talk to your wife for a few mins vs. mindless texting! Not matter who are you are with. It's more rude to me not to answer, ___ or anyone else won't mind & if they do then they are being inappropriate with you." along with "treat me the way you are supposed to! God 1st, me above all others on earth!"

Was I out of line? I am so tired of being put 2nd in his line of things only 1st at his convenience. Not to mention I wanted to hear if there was a female talking in the background or not. Please tell me what you honestly think as I can't take smoke being blow up my rear to make me feel better. I need to know if I said wrong things or not.

Thanks!

I don't think you were wrong you are his wife, and he should not be treating you like this! Texting and talking on the phone is the same thing! So it shouldn't have mattered if you had called him because texting during a conversation is just as rude!

DO NOT be afraid of plan B, if you can't handle the stress and you feel like your own LB is going low then by all means start writing your letter. That is why plan B is there, is to help secure that remaining love you have towards your husband, and if he is taking that away from you then start preparing yourself for it.

You're still working this attempt at R by yourself. He's not doing any of the lifting, even though it sounds like you've done a good job of expressing what you need to heal (as well as what should be common-sense boundaries for any M), but without getting any cooperation from him.

What I don't know is whether his lack of participation comes from 1) continued C (I know you don't think this is likely), 2) still being in withdrawal, or 3) a deep-seated character flaw that is unlikely to change without drastic intervention.

Regardless of which of the 3 it might be, if it keeps on you need to go to Plan B to protect yourself from the continuing hurt. His disrespect and refusal to protect you will make you crazy and/or hate him over time.

My only question is, how much longer should we give him to see if it's withdrawal?

stillhope, have you looked into the online Marriage Builders program? What I see here is no plan for recovery. He has not even taken the most basic steps to affair proof your marriage which means you are headed for disaster. He will have another affair if things continue the way they are.

Your only hope is to get him on board with Marriage Buildrs and have Dr Harley and the MB marriage coach work him over. They are often able to get a reluctant spouse on board and save you from having to lovebust.

The only other suggestion I have is to go into Plan B, following Dr Harleys guidelines here: When to Call it Quits

SH,

I have to agree here. I had a similar situation to you years ago with my WH - A with unmarried OW who was living with boyfriend with whom she had a child. I let my WH drive our recovery. Guess what?? We did NOT recover. It was a false recovery. It lasted for almost 8 years, but without the program/plan that the Harleys recommend, you will relapse. You cannot allow a wayward to drive your recovery right now.

What I fear for you most of all, is that you will accept the crumbs he's giving you (and pretty small crumbs at that), and your life will go on, your M kind of limping along.

Then a few more months or years down the line, he will inevitably cheat, and rip your heart out all over again. Not because "once a cheater always a cheater", but because he never fixed what was broken.

You're scared right now that he has either resumed some sort of C with her, even if just continued drive-bys, or that someone else has caught his eye.

You would be a fool not to worry.

He has done almost nothing to protect your M in the last couple of months, and much to continue the damage. He balks at even the most reasonable expectations of a spouse demonstrating that they are behaving in a trustworthy manner.

You're on board with MB and can see its value in saving your M. He is not, and cannot. Not right now.

If you're not ready for Plan B quite yet, that's ok. Though I would still recommend working on a letter so you could have him leave and go dark on short notice if you needed to.

Your $LB may be a bit in the black at this point, but trust me that it won't stay that way long with his continued shenanigans. And Plan B offers you a way to protect yourself from his emotional abuse without automatically divorcing.

Plan B offers you the time to make sure you have given him every opportunity to change and become a part of the M again.

Whether now or in a little while, it will offer you the best chance of saving your M as well as paving the way for your own R.

Also, I know that with finances the way they are the counseling center would be hard, but divorce is pretty expensive, too. Truly, you'll get more out of them in one session than many months of traditional counseling.

It wouldn't cost anything extra to simply call them, explain your situation, and ask what sort of arrangements they might be able to make, even if only for one or two sessions.

Surely you wouldn't be the first BW in serious financial difficulty who has called them.

Thank you all for your advice! I will read it all again, just read the article "When to Call It Quits" & will be talking with my husband tonight about filling out the top emotional need questionnaire.

I agree, it's time he starts contributing to this. I am in process of getting my own full-time income so if & when Plan B is needed then I can do it.

I wish none of us had to be here! I am so happy you all are here to help someone like me along!!!

I am happy to say that the talk went well, not at first as my WH got defensive & arrogant about thinking I'm asking him to be at my beckandcall (sp?). I stayed calm & used words like "this made me feel..." & "It seems to me..." so I wasn't arguing or doing any LBs for him. I did ask him "Do you want our marriage to work & our family to stay together?" He answered for the very first time "Yes I do." I kept talking calm & telling him my needs & how it makes me feel when he is suddenly unavailable. Etc. I let him know that I don't expect him to drop what he is doing at work to answer a call if he can't. Yet if he isn't at work then I do, not just because of what he did, because I am his wife & I should come above other people. I don't think I was demanding anything...I hope I wasn't ;-)

After talking he went upstairs, changed out of his work clothes & when he came back downstairs he turned off the tv & looked me in the eyes & said "I'm sorry for what I did the other day & I'm sorry for telling you to Get Over It. I shouldn't have done that even if it's in a teasing manor, it's too soon to do that."

Then he hugged me & gave me a kiss. We then talked about counseling & the EN Questionnaire. He isn't ready yet said he will do it for me & for us. This is also a first & we will be starting MC very soon ;-) I will continue IC & he will start IC as well. I have asked the pastor who is going to do our MC & my WH's IC to counsel us through His Needs Her Needs.

Last night after our DD was asleep, my WH put his arm around me the whole time we were together downstairs. He hasn't done this in...I can't remember when...it was nice.

I feel a lot better today! Now time for us to start the 20+ hours a week of UA. We have had some, not 20+ hours. Time to make that a priority.

Thank you guys!

Well, that sounds good, at least for now. Hopefully as time goes on he will realize it will always be too soon to "tease" like that.

Up-and-down is to be expected, especially at first, but so far you've had so much down it's nice to see some up. Just keep watch as you have been, and see if this good trend continues.