I agree w/ Kahuna re: the "whys." A couple of months after my A ended, I typed out an apology (of sorts) to one of OW's husband's relatives who had written to me. But I never sent it, and am glad, because in hindsight, I could see that it was so full of rationalizations that it obscured the elements of apology. The only "why" that may work is because you selfishly turned from what you knew was right. This is not the time for delving into what needs of yours you weren't getting met. Don't go anywhere near there. Abject humility is the only stance you can take that may get you anywhere. And remember that, one month out, it's all just cheap talk, until you've backed it up with sustained, committed actions to get back to your marriage. Unless you feel lucky, or smarter than I was when I was one month removed from my affair, you might want to post it here before you send it. Just to get a second pair of eyes from some of the vets here. (Even if you go the face-to-face route, it might be a good idea to get your lines right...)

Do not hand your wife, (4 weeks after DD) an article about forgiving you.

May not go over as well as you think.

Only she can process this.
A good idea is to have your wife come here to get support.

The people here can help her recover and set her on a path, in my opinion the only path that can recover your M.

If she comes here, some other advice;
Do not read each other's threads.

Steps for recovering your marriage:

1) Move back in the house.
2) Deal with your BW's anger. Suck it up. Yes, she's going to be angry with you for a while. So what. Can't you hang around someone who's angry with you? Sounds like you just want to avoid conflict. Conflict avoidance leads to withdrawal which leads to divorce. You need to be home anyway in case she does divorce you so you don't lose all custody of your children. Tell your BW in a calm, sensitive way, that it is your home as well, a lawyer and MC both recommended that you do this, and that you will stay in the guest room and give her as much space as possible.
3) Apologize to her family ASAP. The more you show remorse and contrition, the more quickly you may be forgiven.
4) Act happy around her, like nothing is wrong. When she starts acting like something is wrong, be empathetic. Don't force relationship talk. Let her bring it up, and when she does, be COMPLETELY honest about any question she asks you. No half-truths or "protecting her from the truth" BS.
5) Figure out what her ENs and LBs are. There are links with questionnaires on the site. I would leave them out and let her find them and fill them out if she wants to. You fill it out how you think she would answer and start meeting the needs she will allow you to meet (i.e. domestic support, family support, financial support, some conversation, etc.) and avoid all LBs. Eventually, if you start meeting some needs, you will start refilling her love bank and she will want to stay with you.
6) Be completely open, honest and transparent. Make sure she has access to all cell phone, computer passwords. Let her know where you are going at all times.
7) Make sure to have NC w/ OW and take extraordinary precautions not to see her or have any alone time with any woman.

daybyday

Kahuna is right. Face-to face is the only way an appology will be accepted. If your wife's family is anything like mine they will have a "strong" opinion but if she is like me she will also have her own mind. The family with a strong opinion is there to protect her for anything and anyone who hurt her. Trust me when i tell you that they will forgive but may have to say their peace before that can happen. You have to stand there like a man and LISTEN. Do not defend any actions you have taken and admitting you were wrong will go a long way for your wife to realize you are infact serious. I know if my now xh had done that my family would have forgiven... not have forgotten but forgiven none the less.

I am a WW and I just recently went and spoke to my BH's parents. It was the second-most difficult conversation I've had to have in this process of confession about my affair (the first being the night I confessed to my husband), but it had to be done. I agree that face-to-face is the only way this conversation should happen. You need to go it alone, too, to truly show to her parents that you are seriously committed to doing what is right.

I spoke with my therapist about the conversation beforehand, and that definitely helped me. I would recommend that you talk to your own therapist in advance to help you prepare what you are going to say. My therapist suggested that I start by admitting to my faults, so that my mother-in-law wouldn't feel the need to point out all of my faults in our conversation (since I know she holds things against me from years ago even). I communicated how very sorry and remorseful I was, explained that I didn't want to be the person I used to be, and wanted to do what was right now. I shared that I had two choices now, to either confess and face the consequences of my affair or to run away. I am choosing to face this problem in hopes of a better future with my husband. I feel they respected that especially because they care that I would never do this to their son again.

Proverbs 28:13 says, "He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy." God showed me His mercy in that conversation with my in-laws. They were surprisingly polite and loving towards me. I am grateful to God for showing to me that He rewards the right actions that I am taking to better myself as a wife, mother, and child of God.

I disagree with this. The point of the article is that trust must be EARNED, it is not an entitlement. The message of the article is that he is WILLING TO EARN her forgiveness. I can't imagine how that would not go over well.

day,


I want to share a very difficult story with you.


My SIL and BIL have a daughter who is married. That daughter's husband had an affair. I will call her Mary, and him Steve.

Steve was horrible during the affair, and left Mary for the OW, but that lasted a very short time. Mary would not follow much of the advice I was giving her (I was following MB, but she wouldn't listen, she wanted to do whatever Steve told her to do, which was for her to file and pay for a divorce, among other things).

Mary filed. Steve left the house for about three months, and thought his life was going to be wonderful. Steve happened to leave to live with OW about four days before the legal separation hearing. He returned the night before, asked Mary to cancel the hearing, cancel the divorce, and told Mary he didn't want the divorce or the OW. He wanted to come home.

He told her she had to "get over" his affair, and she has to change things about herself. He gave her a list. Yep. He had demands. She caved.

Mary's parents were furious. One of Steve's demands was that Mary APOLOGIZE to STEVE for exposing the affair, for listening to other people for the advice they gave her, and especially for leaning on her parents during the time he was actively in his affair.

One of the most egregious things he did during his affair was to demand that she leave the family home for a weekend while he entertained his OW in HIS WIFE'S BED. We advised her to stay home, Mary actually left the house and let him do this.

Anyway.

Mary's parents supported her while he was living outside the home during his affair with a male coworker. During that time, he not only kept his own paycheck, but also cleaned out the bank account several times (she refused to take him off the account and he told her not to) and bought a motorcycle, TV, other stuff, and would not give Mary any money for the mortgage, bills, or child care. Her parents had to give her money so she and her son could eat and have a roof over their heads for three months.

The parents also paid for the attorney.


Steve - now that they are back together - has said that the parents are the "cause of the affair" in the first place. These parents live about 500 miles away, and have NEVER lived closer in the 14 years of their marriage to each other. Steve demanded that the parents attend a marriage counseling session with the couple to try to make things "better" and so he could say things.

Only the parents had to pay for the session.


During the session he told the parents that they owed him an apology, and demanded it.

Mary told her parents she was "standing by her man". She has been gaslighted by the best of them.

The parents left feeling as though this "counseling session" was an ambush, and nothing more than another way for Steve to drive a deeper wedge between them and their daughter.


They were right. Things have been terrible for nearly a year, when the session happened.

Steve never apologized for his affair. Not to his wife. Not to her brother who had to come many times to help her out because of Steve's many unpredictable outbursts and behaviors. Not to her parents. Not to his own family.

He remains an entitled little son of a ......



And Mary recently said to her mom on the phone, and I quote,


"You don't know what I've been through this last year."


I told her mother she should have replied:


"We most certainly DO know what you've been through. We have had front row tickets."




So if you are waiting to apologize


You are a first-class fool.


And that family will NEVER get on the road to even considering you being anything remotely close to a man until you find the cojones to do it.


And when you DO apologize

You need to find a way to do it without blaming anyone but yourself. Not one single excuse had better escape your lips.


Starter apology? Try this:


"It was the most stupid thing I have ever done in my life, and I have nobody to blame but myself. There is no excuse, no reason, no justification for my behavior and I understand that I cannot expect your forgiveness. Your daughter deserves a better man, and I do not deserve her. I can only hope that she might somehow consider allowing me a second chance, and if she does, that you, her family, might consider supporting her in this if she ever does make that choice. Either way, I apologize for all that I have done, and all the pain and anguish I have caused."