I am confused and desperate. Should I inform the other innocent spouse of the infidelities of our spouses? It seems like that spouse would want to know. I know I would want to know, but I'm not sure of how I feel about causing the other spouse this pain? I know I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I am going through. Any help?

how I feel about causing the other spouse this pain

One of the first things you will be told is that you need to expose the affair. I can also tell you that you will be able to come up with hundreds of reasons why you can�t, shouldn�t or won�t. I ain�t buyin� any of them, so we�ll just forge onward.

The single greatest weapon you have in your arsenal against your enemy, which is the affair, is exposure to anyone who might be able to make the affair less comfortable for your wayward spouse and his or her affair partner. With the help of folks here you should be able to identify who these people are so that you can gain maximum benefit from the effort instead of chasing down names and phone numbers that you think might be enablers or supporters of the infidels. So let�s dispense with the agonizing over who should be told and who should not and get right to possible targets for exposure of the dastardly crime being passed off as a �love affair.�

First, foremost and of primary importance is the spouse or significant other of the affair partner. This person needs to know for two primary reasons. The first reason is that he or she has a right to know what is going on that impacts his or her life. If for no other reason at all, this person needs to be contacted and informed what is going on, not in some vague way about how you wife is spending too much time with her husband or they are getting too close at work. This needs to be a direct statement that your spouse and his or her spouse are engaged in an affair.

Did I hear you ask why you would want to hurt him or her so badly? Skip it. You aren�t the one hurting the affair partner�s spouse. The infidels are doing that all by themselves. Whether you break the bad news or not, the bad news is still true and relevant to the lives of those being cheated, lied to and manipulated into thinking they are losing their minds.

The second biggest reason to expose to the spouse or SO of the affair partner is that you will have no stronger ally in most cases when it comes to applying pressure to the affair. If two of you are fighting the same battle, you are each doubly strong as opposed to fighting the fight alone, which remember is not against the infidels but against the infidelity itself. Don�t lose site of this; the AFFAIR is the enemy of your marriage and is what every effort should be brought against if your marriage is to survive.

If the affair partner�s spouse informed you of the affair, you can skip exposing to him or her but you probably want to maintain some contact initially in order to coordinate attacks on the affair. If you can keep your spouse occupied on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and alternate Saturdays and his or her spouse can keep the affair partner bottled up on other days, the infidels don�t get much happy time together.

Other reasons for exposure include one really big reason to do it. Affairs are really only fantasies and not anything that approaches having to live in a real relationship. They get to only see what they want to see and do what they want to do and shining the light of truth on the affair causes people to look more closely at what is going on which might make the infidels look more in depth at what they really are willing to sacrifice for continuing the affair. As long as the affair is a secret, each affair partner can dream of what they choose to dream about, but having to try to make the relationship into a real one means that both must be willing to invest what will make it work.

This from Dr Harley on exposure:Link to article about exposure

Other exposure targets can include family and friends of either of the affair partners. You might believe and might be correct that Mom and Dad will support their own offspring but they also might be greatly disappointed by the actions of their children. You won�t know until you expose if they will be allies or foes in this battle, but if you don�t expose what is really going on they will become foes when things progress to the point where you have become the villain and rest assured that given the chance to spin things for Mom and Dad, that is the way you will be painted by your wayward spouse.

If the affair is taking place at work, expose to the employer. Yes they might both lose their jobs. I guess they should have thought of that before carrying on an affair using company time and resources. If they don�t lose their jobs, it might lead to the company putting pressure on them to end the affair anyway, so consider this option if the company is involved in any way, including something as simple as a company cell phone or email account.

Now the hardest people to tell of all and those people are your children. Kids will personalize almost everything that happens in their world and they already KNOW that something is wrong between Mommy and Daddy. Children being what they are, they might at first believe that whatever is happening is their fault. They need to know that it is not their fault and that you will love them, be there for them and protect them from harm as long as you live.

Telling them will be harder than almost anything you ever do. You need to be very careful how you go about this though. It must be age appropriate. You can�t explain the dynamics of an affair to a 6 year old because he isn�t going to understand it. But even a rather small child can be told that �Mommy has a boyfriend and when you are married you aren�t supposed to have boyfriends. Daddy is supposed to be Mommy�s only boyfriend.�

Now you need to know something about exposure that should scare the heck out of you. When you expose, your spouse will be angrier, more vindictive and venomous than you would ever believe was possible. He or she will say things that will make you cry, cringe and want to escape. He or she will also say things similar to or including all of the following: �I was thinking about trying again with you, but now you�ve blown any chance of that.� �Why have you brought other people into our problems?� �I wasn�t sure how I felt about you, but now I know for sure that I hate you and could never love you ever again as long as I live.� �You had no right to meddle in other people�s lives like that.�

Expect to hear all of these and keep notes as to what else they say so you can add it to the list when somebody asks later, because this subject will come up around here again and again. After you have taken note of what has been said, let it all go and realize that the more violent the reaction the more your action has hurt the affair. The stronger the reaction from the infidels, the more likely exposure is to have made the affair less practical and simple for them. Ignore what they say and get on with your plan to save your marriage.

One last thing about exposure; do not threaten to expose the affair. Don�t try to turn up the heat gradually by calling work and then calling your parents the next day or try to use exposure as leverage to get your spouse to agree to end the affair. Just put together a list, gather enough information and evidence so that you don�t come across as whiny and pathetic and then pull the trigger on it all at once. If you warn the infidels in any way that you are planning to expose their dirty little secret, they will make every attempt to paint you as a lunatic abusive vindictive and less than viable example of the human race.

As for evidence; it does not have to hold up in court and doesn�t have to be enough to overwhelmingly prove the affair in the face of the affair partners claiming innocence by saying they are just friends. You need to only show a pattern of continued and recurrent contact between them, which usually manifests itself at odd times, in the middle of the night, at the same time every day and at times when both of them were free to engage in the contact. SMS logs don�t have to tell you what was sent, only that there were 1300 messages sent total last month and 1297 of them were between the infidels. Same with call logs. You don�t need a recording to know they were engaged in an affair if the total minutes between them were greater than the sum of all minutes to all others combined.

A record of 500 emails per month from an account that only sent 503 total emails in a month is usually enough to establish a pattern and the only people likely to deny the existence of the affair are the infidels themselves and you don�t have to prove to them they are having an affair since they already know they are. You only have to prove to them that you KNOW they are having an affair.

Wheels, yes, this is my first post. I have suspected for a while, even confronted CS. CS vehimetly denied infidelity and always turned the tables back on me re. lack of trust. Now that I have read some posts here and on other sites, I realize that is normal for CS. Overall our marriage has been pretty good. Last year I could see a negative change in CS. CS admitted to internalizing some displeasures with our relationship. We had good dialogue going, both committed to making things right, both saying those three dreaded words "I love you". But the logical signs were still there, some getting more blatant. Now that I have read more about signs, I realize how common they are and feel really stupid, but lesson learned. CS was scheduled to go on another business trip. CS went a did a lot of things in preperation for the business trip. CS had stopped giving me their travel itenerary about a year ago. The one time I did ask for it, CS gave me a false itenerary. When asked, CS stated that their travel plans changed at the last minute and they didn't have time to give me the new one. So I took drastic measures and on June 30th obtained my first evidence. Wow, talk about taking your breath away. Even though I expected it, I was shocked. The plans were under way. Then I tortured myself and continued to obtain evidence throughout the trip. Yep, they met, had a great time on the town, CS spent my money on a very exclusive resort hotel and spa. Trust me, collecting evidence yourself over a period of a month is NOT recommended. I had to act like nothing was going on. The difficulty was compounded by the fact that when CS travels, I have to take exclusive care of CS 90 year old father, as well our 5 year old. These tasks are usually shared 50/50. But it really toasted my butt to take care of CS father while CS was in bed with OS. I did my research, found out as much as I could about OS, started looking closer at credit card statements, bank accounts, etc. When CS returned from their trip, I gave CS every chance in the world to come clean on their own. Denial (again, I now know this is typical). Another chance given to reset, correct any lies, tell the truth. Denial. I started revealing knowledge based on the evidence. The truth finally camy out because CS knew they had been found out. NO REMORSE shown. CS did say they were sorry, but not convincing. A actively going on for 1.5 years, but get this, on and off for 30 years (yes, I'm old!). Since CS and I have only been married for 12 years I cannot get worked up over the rest of the time they spent together but I am worried about the emotional involvement for 30 years. I can't compete with that.

So the 30 year A is where my reservations of confronting the other innocent spouse came in. they have been married for 30 years....yeah, I know. The math is not hard to do. My CS and the other CS slept together 3 weeks before the other CS got married. I didn't know if I should contribute to the demise of a 30 year marriage, but based on the responses here, I guess the answer is, Yes.

By the way, the first confrontation with CS was last Friday. More in a few minutes.

June 30th: started collectin evidence.
July 28 - 30th: CS on trip, obtained confirmation, hard evidence.
July 30th: CS returns. Confronted CS, finally got the truth. CS claims they want to work things out. Gave CS two initial conditions: 1) you promise to never contact other CS (OCS) again, 2) in the morning we both will call OCS and you will break it off. CS agreed to #1, panicked about #2 so we agreed a written e-mail would be OK as long as I got to proof it. CS insisted that I allow them to contact OCS that night to warn him that OCS spouse might know. I gave in. Next morning CS and OCS corresponded 4 additional times without my consent, this after promising all communication would stop. Oh year, when I told CS that all communication must stop, CS cried, stating OCS was a life-long friend. CS has since called me and/or during conversation sit-downs, cried over OCS. Are you kidding me!!!??? I'm supposed to feel sorry for their withdrawals and loss of whatever? Up until now I have been calm. CS even commented on how well I was handling the situation and them. But after discovering the additional communications, I blew my lid. I did not do any bodily injury or damage, but I do have to replace a door out to the garage, fix my truck and my riding lawnmower. All three took the wrath. So, for those who have stated that informing the OCS's innocent spouse would help keep things in check, I agree, but only if they stay together. If other innocent spouse (OIS) decides to divorce then that won't work. Furthermore, if OIS finds out that my CS and OCS slept together 3 weeks before their marriage and it has been going on ever since, I fear retaliation against my CS. Not that CS doesn't deserve it, but for now I am trying to pick up the pieces, patch the holes before the ship sinks entirely. I'll make a final decision based on CS progress but for now, man the battle stations, 'casue it's on baby!