Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Dwat1184

I'm a 26 year old single girl but I have been in two long realationships (both lasted over 2 1/2 years). But they both ended because of me looking to fullfill my needs elsewhere. I have identified my needs as follows:

1. Physical attractivness.
2. Recreational companionship.
3. Sexual fulfillment.
4. Affection.
5. Admiration.

I wanted to know if I can somehow convince myself to want more of the other needs. Like conversation, and honesty and openess. I know that you say that no one need is "better" or more "important" that others, but I feel like my needs just get me into trouble. I have basically the same most imporation needs as men have which leads to problems.I don't want to be a person who cheats on men. They don't deserve it. It makes me feel gulity. And one day I want to have a good husband and marriage . Until I started reading your work, I just thought that I was immature, I was irresitably drawn to men that were filling my above-mentioned needs and I was powerless to stop myself with them. I thought that I would never be able to have a stable relationship or marriage. But now I realize that when a guy comes along with the above mentioned attributions I should be aware that they will be making large love bank deposits and that if I'm already in a realtionship I should stay away from them. Though I am still curious...can you willingly change your emotional needs? Is it something you are preprogramed with? And if so, how come I have the more male typed emotional needs? When I read your colums about women not wanting to be intimate with their husbands or to partake in recreation with their spouse it blows my mind. Any opinions on this would be great. Thanks!


Dwat, your emotional needs just ARE. And there is no reason to change them. The solution is to date alot of people and marry the one who does the BEST job of meeting your needs. Date as many people as possible. If you are looking to get your needs met elsewhere, that is an indication that you are with someone who is not doing the best job of meeting your needs and an indication that he is not the best candidate.

Quote:
I was irresitably drawn to men that were filling my above-mentioned needs and I was powerless to stop myself with them. I thought that I would never be able to have a stable relationship or marriage.


Allowing men to meet your needs when it is inappropriate means you have a lack of boundaries. And yes, you most certainly do have the power to stop it. If not, then YOU are not marriage material.

Also, you should click notify and ask the moderators to move your post to its own thread over on the MarriageBuilders 101 forum. This is in the announcement forum and no one will see it here.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 24
B
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 24
Im new here, where do I post a question about spying gadgets? Thank you

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted By: Eleonor
Im new here, where do I post a question about spying gadgets? Thank you
Hi Eleonor! Scroll farther down - there is a link to a forum called Operation Investigate. You may find the answer to your question there.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 78
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 78

How long is the turn around time right now? I sent in a question over a week ago...


-= Phoenix
I am BW-25
WH-27
Married since 7/07
A from 1/09-7/09

"One can't complain. I have my friends. Someone spoke to me only yesterday."-Eeyore
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
It might have been lost or misplaced in the chaos of the crashes. Remember, there was one for a day last week as well as the two days this week.

I suggest you send it again.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 78
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 78

M'kay, thanks for your tip. I wasn't aware of the crash last week but the past two days have had me checking a few times a day to see if you guys were back yet. I appreciate your help.


-= Phoenix
I am BW-25
WH-27
Married since 7/07
A from 1/09-7/09

"One can't complain. I have my friends. Someone spoke to me only yesterday."-Eeyore
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
PHOEN1X, check your spam folder/filter to see if you got a response and didn't see it.

Also, consider emailing the Harleys from a different email account from a different provider (like, say, gmail, or Yahoo) just in case for some reason they can't receive email from your email provider for some reason.

Let us know if you still can't seem to get through.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Phoenix, they might have answered your email today. Todays show:

Many emails are answered today.
Thursday, March 10, 2011

here: click here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2
L
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2
yess Ok Thankss For You!

Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1
W
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1
For the sake of confusion, I will put a month next to each event in an attempt to be chronologically correct. I cheated on my wife approx. two years ago. FEBUARY:It started off as chating on the computer, and slowly developed into friends, MAY:then we met and had sex.It was not so enchanting to me. It wasn't good sex at all. It was dark, in a parking lot, and I am tall so it really seemed awkward if I remember correctly. After that things changed. I felt horrible but continued talking the other woman because I beleived she was a good person and I felt as though I had led her on. She sent me pictures of herself and made it obvious she wanted me. However I did not reciprocate pictures or any idea that I loved her. MAY:On the heels of that, I found myself in another friendship. This one was way different. I tried to help this woman and her marraige problems via email and texting and she fell for me somehow. She asked to meet and I said no several times. She would call and leave a message crying saying she wanted to leave him, needed to tell him we had been talking. I did not want that. My wife and I have three kids, and I love her more than anything on earth.I didn't want to lose her or the kids and didn't want it to come out. I didn't call the second womans bluff, rather I gave in and met her. JULY:She made advances towards me very aggressively. I eventually gave in, and it really sucked to. It didn't last but maybe 1 minute, I stopped it and said I can't. So my hole became deeper with this woman.She pursued me bigtime. Meanwhile at home....we had been living with the person I respected most ...my father. He had turned into an alcoholic and I was scarred badly by the things he said and did. I was caught between my wife, my dad...hearing it from both sides constantly. No matter how bad he got...my dear wife stuck by me. We bought the place I grew up at from him, he had nowhere to go, and we were to save for a couple years and build on the property. JULY:Right at the time these two affairs were going on, we got the go ahead to build...a very stressful process, I had been laid off after 11 years at a great place to work. It was union so there was nothing I could do about it. My wifes job was going great, she had started an exercise/diet program and lost a lot of weight...she looked so good. MAY:Also, my grandfather whom I was very close to passed away. I think its safe to say I was an anxious/stressed out mess....no excuses though. I continued talking to the first woman, trying to appease her into letting it taper off into nothing. I also continued talking to the second woman, this one I was very scared of. She constantly talked like she had to tell the truth to her hubby. I would try to calm her down, refuse more meetings, and occasionally I would succeed I thought in letting her off easy and quietly. Only to see a couple days later she would call and give me another message saying she loved me and needed to tell. One night she told me she was at a hotel, and for me to come over. I was at work and said no way. She talked of suicide and craziness. At about 1 in the morning, I stopped hearing from her for two hours. I didn't think she just fell asleep...I thought worse. So sucker me went to the hotel, she was fine and waiting and said I knew you would come. Stupid me didn't leave. I got this dumb idea that if I let her advance on me, and didn't get an erection...she would get mad or take the hint that it aint gonna happen. So I sat there in the chair and let her do her thing, no erection....mission accomplished right? Not so much....it was a back and forth thing up until one day I left my email open...and my wife...my awesome wife...found it. NOV: she was so upset. she called and confronted the woman and the other woman said it was just friends. She told the other woman no more. I felt like a million bucks. IT WAS OVER! However my wife didn't let it go, and in the insuing days she beat the crap outta me...I let her...and was so hurt. I felt the need to come clean with the second woman and the whole story...so I did. It was horrible. About two weeks later, when my wife was digging to get all information and didn't believe she had the whole truth...she found my second email...hacked into it...and the first woman was now exposed. A bunch of pictures she saw...not good. I hurt her so bad. I felt so bad. She asked me to leave, I did. One hour later she called and asked me to come back to the house. We chatted on the couch and she wanted to know if I loved her. I told her absolutely and I would do anything to keep her. She asked I make love to her right then.

We went to counseling for a year. It really seemed to help. It helped me deal with guilt, my father, etc. It seemed to help her too as she was doing better each week. I did everything I could to show her I loved her. I did not leave the house hardly ever unless she said, got a home phone so she knew I was at home when she was at work. We had to see the other women here and there in town and that was never good. However because of a total of 9 kids being involved in the whole mess we never went public with it all.

May of this year: She seemed so happy, atleast I thought. I thought we were in the clear and heading towards the promised land....not. One moring on the way to work she called me at home and said she wanted space. WHAT? WHY? I had done everything to fight for her, and now, all of the sudden she wants space almost two years later? I was devastated, but agreed. I was suspicious though of foul play...remember I had been there...I checked the phone usage on the computer...sure enough...for a couple of weeks she had been talking to someone. I confronted her and she said oh thats our daughters boyfriends dad.We been talking about the kids blah blah. I said ok. We preceeded with space. I was so tore I could make it through a night of work that night, I called him and he wouldn't answer my calls or texts. Something wasn't right. I went to the house, slept in the basement, woke her up the next morning and said out with it. She admitted it was inappropriate, and she had met him before work, and kissed him. I did not blow up. I gave her advice on what is real and isn't real. That I had been there and got sucked in to the thrill of the new, away from depression and stress. She told me that she had contacted him last night, and said they were through. Then we agreed to try hard to work through this, and give it another month or so to see which direction things were going. After a couple of days...and her acting happy...she said she needed space, and that she hadn't been happy since this all happened. That she thought time would help her forget. That I had wounded her so deeply she doesn't know if she can look at me in the same manner. She loves me, but not sure she is in love with me. I have been checking the phone records and she has not contacted the other person. She could do so from work, but not likely as they monitor personal calls fairly close. We seeked counsel from our pastor and his wife, they both suggested she needed time away to get some clarity. As in does she miss me? Does she want to continue to work at the issues that lie ahead...or is she cooked. She was depressed pretty badly for almost a year and a half. She says she isn't anymore but I wonder with all of the reckless choices that are not like her at all. I realize I am not the victim here. I wish I could take it all back but I can't. We told the kids she a seminar in another state and will be gone for almost a week. She is staying at her gmas house and will be seeking counsel on how to come to clarity from the preacher and his wife. We agreed it best she not contact me, but call the kids before bed everynight and us not talk or text. It has been one day, I feel like I am gonna die. If not for the kids I think I would take my own life but I never would do that to them. I am so anxious waiting her conclusions. I can't eat, sleep, feel horribly guilty when looking in the kids eyes. When I cheated, I fought very hard for her. When she did, she questioned our love. I feel like I have been so overly loving towards her or something that it has pushed her away. When she left she slightly hugged me and out the door she went with her suitcase. I am so scared. I did tell her that if she comes back to me and wants to work on this that I have some trust issues that will need resolved. She said she completely understands, and that she has been there. But really didn't show much sympathy. She claimed she didn't know why she did it, and that it was stupid. She said she was sorry, and felt bad, and maybe did it to repay me. So I am waiting for an answer in agony...getting what I probably deserve for what I have done.

A side note: I don't remember a lot that happened with the first woman. The things I do remember are like I am watching myself do it on tv, I am not attached whatsoever emotionally. I cant remember the things I did or even said in many instances. The ones I do, like I said, its like Im watching it on tv, standing close by, not the one doing it.?????

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Welcome to Marriage Builders. I would suggest you cut this post back to about 3 paragraphs and start up a thread in the surviving an affair forum. This is just the announcements forum so you won't get any responses here.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Page 2 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 30 guests, and 53 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Ella Paradis, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5