It has been two years since my husbands affair and although after reconciling things were good now it seems like my marriage is unraveling. I have recently started to have feelings of anger and resentment that up until this point I have been able to control even supress to a degree. He is becoming jealous and insecure because as he puts it "I'm gonna get back at him". I worry that his jealousy and insecurity may stem from his own behavior when I'm not around, which is pretty often as he is out of town very often for work. We have three kids and I want very much to give them a good stable home with both parents, but I'm becoming exhausted with trying to make it work. Today I met with a counselor for the first time since his affair and as I was telling the couselor everything that had happend I couldn't help but notice how pathetic i sounded. If someone had told me what I told that counselor, I would think that they are nuts for staying in a relationship like that! I just don't know where to go from here. Any advice?

I see that you just registered today? Have you been here before? When your WH had his affair, and you reconciled did you use MB?

If you are new to MB, I would like to say welcome and Sorry that you are here. Here is a thread that can help guide you through the website and help you learn what you can to start this the right way. your marriage CAN be saved, if you d o this the right way.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Kree3,

Have you brought yourself up on what a plan A is, that was important for saving my marriage. Basically I had to improve myself with no expectations on her before she improved.

In the past has he complained about relationships you've had with men, even if his suspicions are groundless they might seem real to him.

God Bless
Gamma

Ok, please be patient with me I am totally new to this. Not sure what "plan A" is exactly, but since the affair I too decided to make improvements regardless of whether he was in this marriage or not. One improvement being a 35lb. weight loss. My husband has never been jealous in the 11 years that we have been together. I don't know if the weightloss has contributed to his insecurities or my additude of not caring about what he is doing, where he is, who he is with, etc. I guess I feel like I don't need to worry about all that stuff since the worst has already happened he cannot hurt me anymore than he already has so why bother worrying about what he is doing. Maybe that is the wrong attitude to have, but I just don't know how else to approach it.

Kree, I see that you added a signature line. If that means that you are reading through the site, you will learn more about Plan A. When you have questions, feel free to ask. It gets slow around here on the weekends so don't get discouraged. There is A LOT to absorb and take in and there is a lot of help to be found on this site.

Hi Kree & welcome to MB

You are 2 years post D-Day this month and 22 months into recovery. What have you been doing during these 22 months to restore your marriage? Have you read any of Dr. Harley's books? Has your husband been open and honest about all the details of his affair that you wanted to know about? Has your husband maintained complete No Contact (NC) since Oct.08?

I know that's a lot of Q's, but the more background info you are willing to share, the better the chances for constructive help.

To my knowledge my husband has been open and honest regarding the affair. He has answered all of my questions about how, when, why. He has not had any contact with her since a few days after i found out. I'm pretty confident that he hasn't..she is the type to call and tattle if he had tried to contact her. I have not read the book yet. We have made changes including being completly honest with each other (although he still struggles with the completly part), we have made "date night" and spending time together a priority, and I have made a really big effort to let him be affectionate towards me and I to him. One of his biggest complaints before the affair was that I didn't want to kiss, hold hands, hug,etc. The thing is that I used to until he started acting "questionable". I feel like I have let down so many walls and really have found a greater understanding of who I am, while he has continued to lie to me about things such as finances and continues to show lack of self control. I don't really feel afraid of him doing it again becaue there isn't anything that I can do to make him stop if he is going to cheat. I am more confused by his words of wanting to work things out and promises to change that are in contradiction to his actions of continuing to lie.

kree, if you use the Marriage Builders program in its entirety you will see a huge difference in your marriage. It will teach you how to resolve these conflicts and fall back in love. My H and I went to the MB weekend in 2007 and they identified my top lovebuster, IB, on the first day. I had been on this forum for 5 years and it just took our marriage to a completely different level.

They do the weekend seminar in an online version now, which is cheaper, but it is worth every penny. You are assigned a coach who walks you through all the lessons in addition to having daily access to Dr Harley over on the weekend forum. here it is

I think because he is still struggling with being honest with me about everything even things that are essentially pointless it has caused me to put a wall back up and not let him in. I'm starting to feel like if after two years the man can't be honest about spending $30 then maybe I am just wasting my time. It's as if he just wants life to go one like nothing ever happened. He gets upset when ever I say that there are things about the A that still bother me. He told me a few months ago that it has been two year and that it's about time that I get over it already. If I am really being honest with myself I acknowledge that this is probably not the first A he has had, it's just the first one that I found out about. In fact, I'd give my right arm in a bet that he had one during our first year of marriage. It makes me wonder if people like that can really change.

So your options are;

Hold on to your old ideas and allow the fear of change to hem you into the patterns that both of you are repeating,,,,

Or

You can try something new,,,, Like,,,,

The MB Program.

Ya it's scarry no matter what!

You can stay with what is comfortable..... The old..... The same irrational fears can be found here.

Or

You can step out of the comfort zone..... The new..... Realizing most of the old fears are irrational and have only kept you from changing when needed.

You will notice both types of people on the MB forums.... Which would you prefer to be?

I guess my real question is, after you (the BS) have gone to great lengths to repair a marriage and the WS is still resistant to change, do you give up or accept that this is the person you have chosen to be with and hope for the best?

It depends on how much YOU are willing to risk.
After reading what you have written so far ... it seems to me, that you are risk averse when it comes to setting your own boundaries.

The part of YOU that you ought to examine is the part who is willing to "go along to get along" .

Have you READ the MB article about how to complain in a marriage?


How to complain

And, have you read this one?
When to call it quits - PART ONE

"We have a problem"

Read this one too.