I did have a safe holiday weekend, since ours was last week,

Broken, you are of course going to feel all sorts of feelings. This isn't a sprint. Recovery takes 2-5 years. You seem to be doing a lot of things right. I thank you for sharing. I am sure you are helping a lot of others with your feelings and posts.

okay, so....we are all here together. Kids are having a hard time with the move...they had so much freedom at our home and now life is turned upside down...so many stressors on top of the A that it seems almost impossible to work on us....I know we have to make time though....I guess we will see what happens....

Every day will get easier, take it slow, just enjoy each other and the kids....
Make sure you take the time to do some fun things together with the kids and by yourselves.....
Kids bounce back quickly......won't take them long, all they care about is that their family is all there together.....
Keep us posted........good luck

slowly starting to put the past in the past. There is so much I want to do but it is all on hold right now because we aren't really sure where we will be living yet. I still have my moments of bad thoughts but I am trying hard to not let this A define my marriage. I (and we) still have alot of work to do but I think it is going to be fine....time will help....Hope everyone is doing well...so far here it is okay. take care all....

Whenever things get rough this is a good place to vent.

staying positive and finding forgiveness will give you great peace of mind...
I think you have an opportunity to make this marriage the best one for both of you.
keep yourself busy when you mind drifts I clean something to distract myself......my house has never been cleaner.....haha!!!
Glad you are feeling better about things and that part will get better as more time passes.....

Broken, I was thinking about you this morning and I was going to search for your thread. I am glad that you were able to update us. I am super happy for you. This forum is here whenever you ne to vent.

Hey everyone...it has been some time since I have been here. Well, here is an update....DH71 was gone for 3 weeks...on a trip for work...last one hopefully. It was hard....I have seen a therapist 2x and really like the guy...recommended by a friend...anyway...I am working on me right now. I decided the last week not to talk to DH71 because I really haven't had anytime for myself to think about things. Well, I didn't miss him while he was gone and I didn't wonder what he was doing or try to figure out what he was really saying....or if he wanted to talk at all....I really felt better not talking to him. Anyway. he is back now and I started a new job. Time is now very limited....and hard to find time for each other. We have...found time though. I am finding it to be alittle easier to be with him...I get mad sometimes because I think that he worked so hard for me to consider staying with him and now that I have decided to try he has stopped. He still tries really hard for me not to do much around the house or with the kids but that isn't what I want..I want his friendship, his thoughts and feelings..but when he gives it too me I am not sure I can handle it. Usually it is about how much he loves me, needs me and the kids, and doesn't want to do without us. so, still a roller coaster going on...just not as steep of hills anymore. I am really now going thru some feelings if I really like him or not...has what he's done changed how I feel....it is amazing how back and forth you go.....I know it will take time....and I know that I don't have to make any decisions.....it would just be nice to be secure again....know where the future is headed.....or at least what I want.....I am not angry anymore.....very disappointed....don't know if I am even that hurt anymore.....
Anyway....I hope everyone is doing well....you have all been a big support to me at the begining of my troubles and I pop in often to see what is going on.....you guys are blessings to alot of people and we are all fortunate that you are here. Take care and I will update again soon.

broken,

You're coming up on the six-month mark. Your feelings are pretty normal, if that helps any. You need to watch for another angry phase soon. It happens. You might go through a phase where you think, "How come I have to do this work, and he gets off scot-free?"

Only the WS doesn't really get off scot-free. They battle their own demons, and they are working a very different timeline. Know that.

I understand that sense of not feeling filled - because you are not getting that one question answered, are you? That question, "WHY????" It is the big one, and there doesn't seem to be an answer that fully hits it out of the park for you. Only these vague things, these little things here and there....maybes....and then not really any one thing that answers it for you.

And no, you won't really "like" him at times. He has done something to really hurt you. It colors how you look at him for a long time. It makes other things seem gray, things that used to be bold and clear about him. That part does fade, as you allow him to meet your needs, and as you also work to meet his.

Even when you do not want to meet his. It is part of the process of recovery. Even when we are empty, part of refilling ourselves seems to be in the giving.

If what your FWH is doing is not what you need, go back to the ENs, and tell him. He needs to know that - because he cannot fix what he doesn't know is broken. Be specific about what you need.


Another book to try doing together is Relationship Rescue. My H actually did it with me, and it helped us reconnect. Do the work in it. You two can learn a lot about each other, in small increments, because I know you don't have lots of time!


SB

Okay, so I have had a bad week and it has been a while since I have posted. Shouldn't I be feeling somewhat better by now? I don't feel like I have improved at all...and all my doubts are coming back hard and strong!! I am begining to think that I have made the biggest mistake of my life, leaving my life in our previous residence.....I felt like a kid last night, all I told DH is that I wanted to go home...just walk away from it all...so why am I not doing it?
I have been so depressed lately, I just want to go to sleep and not wake up till it is all over with (the pain that is, not my life). All this is so frustrating!

((((Broken))))

I am so sorry you are feeling down right now. I can tell you that this is a hard and long process and you are bound to feel this way at times. How long has it been? I have heard(I haven't gone through recovery myself) that the BS tends to go through a really bad anger stage about 6 months into recovery. Have you considered ADs? I know that if my WH were to come home, I would need to go on some to keep my emotions more level.

I am sure there are other posters with more experience that can help you. Have you read other people's threads on the recovery forum? There may be some things over there that can help you.

Are you two getting 20+ hours of UA doing things that cover the four most important ENs?

hi broken5sec,
I could have written that post myself, I have been thinking the same thing lately, that it would just be easier to live life out by myself. I have been feeling like bailing a lot......
I think we are fixers by nature and the things we are trying to fix can't be, we can't change the facts or our history........so we go round and round trying to make some sense of our lives and what it all means now......
We feel that burden on our shoulders........
I think we have to start thinking in a more practical way, we have to understand we can't change the past and since that can't happen, we need to decide how we will remove the burden we feel, are choices are, remove what causes us the burden(our husband's), or do nothing and just live with it, or the 3rd choice and the one I'm chosing I am going to trust in my husband until something happens, this is where I'm starting, I am understanding that I am making this decision to end the burden I'm feeling, this is my choice and I have to give it my all 100% I'm letting go of what I can't change and working towards a better marriage and letting go of all the doubt I was feeling.....
I am keeping in mind this is my choice, I could chose something else but I didn't and I must understand that things will only change if I change my attitude and let go of a past and work towards a future.....
I feel better now and I'm seeing a positive happy reaction from my husband, he is regrettful for what he has done and the pain he has caused me, It's been 9 months and for the first time I feel better myself and the triggers have been fewer now that I've chosen a path instead of living in the past.........
Trust until for now......start there.........he loves you.....

broken,

At the six month mark, I told my husband that I wanted to quit. I was ready to leave, to walk away and never face anyone ever again. I just wanted something to stop the pain, to relieve my anger.

A few days later, that mood changed. It was like a rollercoaster ride, that first year or so. I was up and down, and I did not buy that ticket, no sir. But I was for sure on that ride, and I had no way off.

What I can tell you from being here for almost five years is that I do know that the best healers are time and a plan.

Together, those things work best. My observations are that it doesn't seem to make too much difference in the pattern of recovery for people who are betrayed if they remain in the marriage, or if they leave the marriage. The pain is there, the anger is there, the roller coaster ride is there. Leaving or staying, the ride's there..........

That first year, you basically regain your sense of self. You realize how much you placed "who you are" into someone else, and suddenly you find that person was not what you thought - and also that who YOU are is not what you thought. You question your life, your "truth" of your life. You feel like the rug was pulled out from under you, and you spend lots of time thinking about the past - and also about what you "might have missed" or "might have done". Things run around in your head sometimes so fast you cannot process them, yet at other times you feel completely blank and find yourself standing somewhere and "wake up" only to wonder how long you were there.....what were you doing just now?

People ask you about your weight, your appetite, your health and well-being. You say you're fine, but you want to scream or cry...or maybe that day or moment you ARE okay. Best answer is: "It just depends, doesn't it! What time is it?"

You wonder "Am I normal? Is this how recovery looks?" and the answer we give here is always YES, because recovery is a crazy thing.

I can promise that there will be hills and valleys. I can promise that over time the hills will not be so high, the valleys not so deep.

I can say that a good plan, that you look at and work on, can help you regain your perspective and your composure when you need it. It can help you and your husband talk to each other, rebuild your relationship, and put your feet on a path that aims forward.

I can't tell you that it will take a certain amount of time. Nor can anyone else. It will work out for you about as well as you work on it. Love is like that. When my husband cheated on me, he said that I didn't seem interested in him.

I told him this:

If you had spent only one-half of the time seducing me that you had spent seducing your OW, you would have had more with me than you could ever have imagined. Our marriage, with just that much effort, could have been anything you ever dreamed of. Only you put your effort into someone else.


I said that BEFORE I ran across this website. One of the basic tenets of MB is that you have to work to keep love growing and alive.

It's true - that your garden grows best where the fertilizer is spread, where you till and sow, where you pull the weeds, where you water, and where you work and pay attention to the crop. Where you neglect the garden, the fruit withers on the vine.


To recover your marriage, it takes both of you together. He has to work the program, and you do, too. If that is a struggle, then the two of you need to regroup, go back to the basics, and start again.

My H and I have started again...more than once. You can get this right. Each do-over is an opportunity to get better at marriage, and to get better at loving.

SB

Wow, schoolbus thanks for that post.

It helps me feel like maybe I'm not crazy

broken, if it helps, then I started to feel better after 14 months.

And it really depends how WS participates. My W is even more into MB than myself, so she has been great help during recovery.

But it still takes lot of time. Be warned (or comforted ).

wow, everyone's words are like I speak them and feel them. My husband and I are working....I don't know how I can give any more than I did in the marriage itself but I am trying. I have my moments every single day. There isn't a day that goes by that my heart doesn't ache about what has happened. I have alot of sadness around me right now...people who I love dearly going thru some hard times, and it makes me sit and reflect...yet I still have alot of anger towards what my husband did. We have gotten closer, have talked alot, as much progress we make i pull myself away just as much. Once I give alittle of myself I regret it. When does that stop???? A working process is all I can say. Have I fully committed, I think so....but again...pull myself back and try to convince myself I haven't. Time is making it alittle better......time......what a concept......

Recovery is a process. You go through many different phases. It took my marriage typically two years to recover. I'd say I was most angry at six month mark and it lasted a couple of months. What you're feeling is typical for a BS.

Gg

First time participating in a forum...thanks for all the wise information. I am working through rebuilding a 24 year marraige...

Welcome, Lois. Please feel free to start a thread so posters can help you.

Broken, I am glad that you are still posting. We are all pulling for you.

I have read that recovery takes about 2 years in most cases. Sometimes it is shorter(rarely) and others it is longer. Time really is on your side right now.

Are you guys managing to fit in the 15+ hours of UA time? Are you having fun together? Are you laughing? I know it will seem awkward for a while. Remember when you first started dating? It wasn't always so easy, but you were just getting to know each other. Now, you have some advantages, since you already know each other, you know how to make each other happy. Keep going forward.

I see hope in your posts that I didn't necessarily see before. I see progress. I am rooting for you.