You did very good! What was her reaction? Does she go out drinking, user? Is that what happens? Because if that is how what she has been doing, then that would have to go.

Is she an alcoholic?

Also, I think that it is possible she is still in touch with the OM or is holding out hope. That is evidenced by her excuses for not moving home. I would strongly recommend that you pay him a visit because I do not believe that affair is over.

She has not moved home because I have asked her to stay away. I know this is not in line with Plan A, but I don't feel that I can handle it.

She drinks a couple of glasses of wine per night. When she hangs with friends, she drinks more. I never thought of her as an alcoholic... until now.

Hanging out with friends and drinking - without the spouse - is an invitation for an affair.

At the very least she is a problem drinker and is not safe when she does drink.

Thanks MelodyLane. Agreed on the drinking. I never thought it was a big deal, but it is.

She says she is having a rough day. What about me? I feel like I am in pain and suffering, and at the same time trying to guide her to understanding that she needs to be honest with herself. To be strong enough to have NC. To take whatever precautions to ensure NC. Then, honest with me. She can fool herself by suppressing her feelings and pretending her actions weren't real. It is sick and scary.

I've thought more about snooping and spying and decided that, at this point, I don't want to do it. If she can get through the fog and crisis that is now, maybe she will be able to think clearly. If she decides that she can commit to marriage and wants to commit herself to ME, then we can discuss reconciliation. But, I can't control her. I could snoop and watch. But, at the end of the day, if she wants to get around it, she will find a way.

My concern now is: will she end the crisis (stop the affair) and get to a point where she can be honest and think clearly in time to preserve the option to save our marriage? I know it's only been 2 weeks, but she is still deceitful, hiding, secretive.. I can't hold my breath forever.

Update...

Last week, my WW and I met with a counselor, met with pastor, met with her parents. I was over the anger and trying to be thoughtful, careful in my words, kind. My attitude changed. I really was trying to work Plan A I think. We are still separated, but we were in good communication throughout the week. I made it abundantly clear a number of times that NC was a requirement -- no exceptions. I decided to leave town for a couple of days and try to get some perspective. I spoke to my WW on Friday morning and told her the most important thing is just to be honest -- with herself, with me, all the time.

Lo and behold, I got a call on Friday night from the OM's wife. She told me that my WW and her husband had spoken on the phone for 10 minutes that night. This sent me into orbit. I went right back into anger mode. I called my WW, asked her if she needed to tell me anything. She said no, everything is fine. I shouted on the phone "you are lying! I know you spoke to him an hour ago!". I cussed her up and down, told her that she was killing an chance we had at saving the marriage. Told her that I wouldn't allow our 1 year old child to be around lies and dishonest. Called her family and told them that she had spoken to the OM.

I'm at a loss. Don't know what to do. My WW came over tonight and we had a good, long chat. I told her that I am at the end of my rope, that I have been putting my best foot forward to preserve the option of saving the marriage, told her that I was trying to pull us out of the crisis/storm and that her contact with him was pulling us right back into danger. She was disappointed in herself, felt like a terrible person, was sorry, etc.

I was trying to be nice all last week, trying to work Plan A. She violated the three things I asked of her (No contact, total honesty, consider our marriage and child when making any decisions). She says she knows it was a mistake and that she slipped up. I know that it is tough for her to just stop calling after two years of sneaking and carrying on an EA/PA. I guess I had just hoped that she would not slip up.

I keep telling myself: I am trying my best, but she broke NC and did not control her emotional urges. Is this normal? Should I continue to work Plan A for another few weeks and see if she can get it together, maintain NC, be honest? She says that she has been totally honest and had NC for two days. I don't feel like I should jump straight to Plan B.

It has been 20 days since I discovered. The first two weeks were poor communication and a lot of anger. The last week was much better communication, but she slipped up on NC. Now what?

You need to realize that you should not have any expectation from your WW during plan A.

user,

I have to be honest, I haven't read the whole thread, just the last couple of posts. I am so sorry to hear about the broken NC. I know that how much that hurts.

Your WW not living in the home is a VERY bad idea and it is not surprising AT ALL that she made contact. Remember OM = crack.

Can you get her back into the house? The goal is to get her through NC + withdrawal. She will need a lot of help and accountability to be successful at this. It will be much easier if you can spend as much time as possible with her.

user, you did good in calling her up and confronting her but cussing her out was a huge lovebuster. It would be much easier to help her overcome her addiction if she came home. And it would be much easier for her to overcome her addiction if you stopped lovebusting her and began to fill the huge whole left by the OM by meeting her needs and doing what is necessary to create romantic love. Being separated like this makes it much harder to recover your marriage.

Being separated makes it much harder for her to recover and makes it much harder for your marriage to recover.

If she sends a no contact letter to the OM will you allow her home? The no contact letter is the one in Surviving an Affair. It should be written by her, approved by you and sent together. Will she send one?

Did you get the book Surviving an Affair?

p.s. bravo to the OMW for calling you up and telling you about the contact!

Tough situation. My understanding is that the No Contact letter says "I love my husband and I want to repair my marriage". When I ask my WW what she wants (if she wants to be married, if she is willing to committ herself to me 100%), she says that she doesn't know. She says that she just wants to be go to MC for a couple of months. She is not begging for another chance. She is torn.

For me, it seems like time to make a decision. I will ask her to read up on a NC letter. If she is willing, I would not be opposed to bringing her back to the house. It will be tough, but I see how it can be helpful.

I'm going to give you a little secret here when WW say's "Let go to MC and try it out for a couple months"

It means, I'll let him see that I'm "trying" to fix this marriage, and if nothing changes then it's over."

Want to know why I know this?

BECAUSE I DID THE EXACT SAME THING!!

No MC or even the Harley's can change your WW, she is an alien, a different person, no one can change that, only SHE can change it. She is also still in contact if she still doesn't know what she wants. They both have made plans if things don't work out, so she is just waiting till the time runs out to finally say "ok, times up, nothing is changed, I still love OM, so I'm leaving."

Trust me when I say they are still contacting each other, because that is exactly what I did with wheels, I gas lighted, I said...

"I'll go to MC for a couple months to try to fix this marriage"

"I'm not gunna have someone who I've only known for a couple months to ruin our 7 year marriage"

"If nothing changes in the next 6 months then it's over."

In reality I was still in contact with the OM, because we both made plans, and in my head I wanted the OM, but in my HEART I wanted my husband.

What changed me was realizing I could lose my kids for ever, and plan B, knowing what my life would be like with out wheel tore me to pieces inside. I'm not gunna say that is what's going to change your wife, but work these plans, and you will see.

First off, thank you Sapphire. I totally appreciate your honesty and guidance. Do you advise suspending Plan A and moving straight to Plan B? Some on this board think I should invite her back home and continue to work the plan. It has been 20 days since DDay. Truely, I have not fully worked Plan A 100% yet but I was going to get her to write a NC letter, bring her back to the house and start working Plan A.

Secondly, and this is **wierd** I know, but I HAD to get some stress out and I felt like I wanted to release my stress with her. I went to her parent's house this morning. We spoke privately and I told her that I felt like I had too much pent up stress and frustration. I told her that I wanted to take it out on her in bed. I told her to come with me and we drove to our house. She and I were both nervous, but I asked her to go with it. It was fast and furious, not romantic. She thinks it was a power and dominance thing. She said "Well, i hope that helped you. At least you are smiling". Honestly, I felt better afterwards.

How weird is that? I don't know what came over me. I guess I feel a little better. Maybe it was a power/territorial/dominance thing.

I think the desire to 'reclaim territory' is common, but you very well may have just given up the option for divorcing her on grounds of adultery if that is an option in your location.

I think you should actually DO Plan A. What you are doing is Plan throw her into the arms of the OM. Everytime you lovebust her, you make the OM look better. Do you realize that? You are making this worm look attractive. Do you think wormboy is lovebusting her??

If you would chill on the lovebuster and start romancing her, she will have a safe place to land as her affair crumbles. She was holding out to see if her affair would work out, but once she accepts that it is over, she will start looking at you. And what does she see? A guy that cusses at her and then uses her like a blow up doll in bed.

C'mon, user. I know you are hurt. I know you are devastated. But if you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to be a little more strategic here.

\

ugh... she gave you a mercy ******. That is a sure fire recipe for sexual aversion. Please STOP. Stop lovebusting and stop acting on your emotions.

Ughh.. now I feel terrible. You are right, MelodyLane. I completely see your perspective. I wish I had thought it through more than that.

I know you are very hurt, my friend. I know how hard it is to put our emotions aside and act in our best interests intead of lashing out. {{{{{{{{{{{{{[user12345}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

user,
Dedicate yourself to a good plan A. If you feel an AO coming up then come here and vent. Let us know that you need to vent and need help to calm down. LBs can not happen. After a good venting to us, and plenty of advice, you can strategically apply the stick of plan A with the precision of a surgeons scalpal.

I often thought that if I could provide SF that OM couldn't (rock her world!) then I can save my marriage. Its not a weird thing, but it doesn't do any good unless SF from you is one of her needs. It really does no good if the affair is physical, there is the possibility of STDs.

I agree, commit yourself to do a fully 100% Plan A, let her move back home, but remember don't have any expectations, there will be contact, just keep going in your plan A, keep snooping, gather all the evidence.

once you finish your plan A and you can't take it any longer, then start preparing for plan B.

user, LBs happen. Brush yourself and try again

Plan A taught me so much about self-control and how to manage my anger and emotions. If you feel a LB coming on, leave the room, busy yourself with an errand or chore until you are more calm. Jot down some Plan A notes and review several times a day, before and after interactions with your WW.

You CAN do this! ((user))

MelodyLane, Wheels, Sapphire, SusieQ... thank you, thank you, thank you. I can't tell you how much your support means to me. I don't think I would be able to process my emotions and make it through the week without your support.

We are having good, healthy conversations, seeing a MC, talking on a daily basis. My WW has agreed to write a NC letter. I am working Plan A and praying, praying, praying.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart