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#2412034 07/31/10 08:55 AM
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I guess D is one of those decisions you have to drag yourself into it. Life as you know it is unfolding in front of you and those pesky and unlikely �what ifs� keep circulating in your head. I can now see how R a M can easily turn like a gambler going in full-tilt trying to get back what�s lost.

I know I had enough. Now I am trying to wrap my mind around the whole concept of going in a different direction. What�s hard is trying to let go after so much effort. Can anybody reflect on how to cope at this initial stage?

--ElCamino72

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I'm still fairly early in this, but it helps that I was here last year so I'd already done a lot of the emotional processing. I'm here because my STBX refuses to admit the bad behaviour he and SD have, much less work on them, and I finally had to D to save my physical health and protect my DD. So I've not dealt with an A.

That being said, the best thing I've done is something my IC wanted me to work on - just sitting with my feelings instead of trying to *do* something all the time. STBX starts acting nice again, and I'm compelled to try and get him to see what he's doing, so he will want to fix things - and that's just me trying to exert control. Instead, I sit and think about all the reasons I'm doing this, and project the ways my life will be better once the D is done and STBX is out of my home.

I am also having to give myself permission to grieve all the things I'm losing - a father for my DD (he's a step, but he's been in her life since 4), the plans and hopes and dreams for the future, just having someone around to share life with.

It's a lot of emotion, especially for someone who's spent her life pushing down emotions (FOO issues). But it's necessary for the healing, so I sit with them, and feel them, and cry. Then I call a friend to go do something fun with, or go hug my DD and watch a movie with her and that way I know things will get better.

Sorry for the rambling, hope something in there helps. smile


"When people show you who they are, believe them." -- Maya Angelou
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TAC,

The techniques are pretty helpful. I'll add them to my repertoire.

Thanks

--ElCamino72

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El Camino,

It does not have to be this way. My H and I attended the same MB seminar as you and with hard work from both of us, we are doing well. We follow MB as close to the letter as possible.

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Hi AM,

I am glad that your M is recovering. I follow your thread regularly and I am rooting for you.

The MB seminar was great. I now understand a lot better the type of M that I want and what needs to be done to achieve it. That's something I am taking with me as I move forward.

Regards

--ElCamino72

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Yes, one thing that my H and I came away with from that weekend was that we were not going to settle for a less than wonderful marriage. It is tough going sometimes. If you have followed my thread, you can see that. Do you think that Rizos has/had the same vision for M that you have/had?


At the MB weekend, we were sitting on the left side of the room, the second row from the back. We were there because I thought MB was our last chance to fix up all the damage years of military deployment and separation facilitated (not caused).

Am


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I think I remember you from the weekend. We rode the shuttle to the mall and to the airport together.

I believe her vision for our M is a blurred mix of our previous M and the parts of MB that were convenient to her.

I mean, it's not like I was completely miserable ALL the time. There were good times - it's just that the day-to-day LBs drained me. I just got to a point where I understood that my M wasn't sufficient and I lost my hope that it'd improve at a rate that would make it tolerable to stay.

In addition to the weekend program, we had a total of 18 sessions with Steve Harley plus all the help we received here. Unfortunately that wasn't enough to bootstrap the M. After the weekend our situation remained pretty much the same and my tolerance for LBs started to diminish dramatically.

In the last month we had a VERY close call caused by her IB. We did 3 sessions with SH to address the issue, did some related homework and read the IB chapters. After that the IB (and related justification plus blame shifting) was still as bad as it's ever been and there were no signs that it was going to get better. That's not how I will choose to live.

--ElCamino72

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I understand. I have followed your two threads throughout. I am so sorry for you and your daughters.

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted by ElCamino72
After that the IB (and related justification plus blame shifting) was still as bad as it's ever been and there were no signs that it was going to get better. That's not how I will choose to live.

--ElCamino72


I cannot blame you for this ElC.

There are some people that cannot muster up the self-introspection and willingness to change that marriage requires. I've found that marriage requires you to strip away your ego and pride and be able to look at yourself and say "yes, my spouse is right, I have screwed up".

It is hard to look at ourselves honestly. We want to be right and good, we want to be accepted 'just as we are' we want our loved ones to gloss over our misbehaviors because we mean well and are generally good - despite the fact that those behaviors are incredibly hurtful.

Most of the time we don't even realize we ARE blame shifting and justifying. We think we're just giving our side of the story.

I'm sorry you've reached this point. I remember your first posts here and I had hope that you guys would work it out.

No one blames you for leaving the atmosphere you have. You shouldn't have to withstand constant drains on your Love bank chipping away at your soul.

Take care of yourself, and your girls.


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
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Vibrissa.

That's exactly how I see it. You explained it better than I could.

Thanks for the support

--ElCamino72

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Originally Posted by ElCamino72
Now I am trying to wrap my mind around the whole concept of going in a different direction. What�s hard is trying to let go after so much effort. Can anybody reflect on how to cope at this initial stage?

I don't know that I can tell you how to cope with the initial stage but may be able to tell you how no to cope....lol... I went through all this back in '01 after a 12 year marriage. Myself, I guess I put on a strong face and poured myself into being the best father, worker, church goer, etc that I could be. I never really took time to grieve. Holding all that in led down a road of addiction that I wouldn't recommend. I got clean after three years of insanity and finally took time to grieve.

Some things that really helped me put things in perspective were 1) I wrote out all of my burdens and concerns, things that weighed me down. After that I circled the ones that I had power over and worked on them. 95% of them I had no power over them so I prayed on them until they went away and b) I made, updated, and posted a list of items I was grateful for in a place where I could see it everyday.

In the end, I found myself guilty of rewriting history in such a way that I had made my WW out to be an Angel. As I got personally healthier I began to discover that much of what I fought for in saving my marriage was an illusion of what I never had nor could probably ever have with her.

Today, I'm happily remarried. My X, still takes delight in showing my why she's an X but life is good. My kids survived, though I wouldn't say strived through the tough times, and all seem to have emerged as pretty darn good girls.


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
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LH,

For some weird reason I haven't felt as bad I'd have imagined since I left. I have been extremely busy so that have kept me occupied and the depression that was looming around me seems to be lifting. I guess I gotta watch out for what you explain.

Thanks

--ElCamino72

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Anybody familiar with separation agreements in VA? How fast can that be finalized?

--ElCamino72

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ElC,

I'm not familiar with VA, but in my state one of the parties had to be a legal resident of the state for at least 6 months in order to file in that state.

You might want to do some checking, but all your legal moves might have to go through PR.

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Hey schtoop,

It's the same here about the 6 months residency. I am consulting with lawyers in both places to see what is the cleanest and fastest.

My ideal scenario is to move soon to VA. I have a couple of companies that are competing for me with very good job offers. In PR I can't do much work because of non-compete clauses in the sale of the company. So if I move to VA but the D proceedings are in PR then I'd have to traveling back and forth.

I'd have a better idea by next week after the legal consultations.

--ElCamino72

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Originally Posted by ElCamino72
Anybody familiar with separation agreements in VA? How fast can that be finalized?
ElCamino, I had the Separation and Property Settlement Agreement (SPSA) drawn up in about a week. It could have been earlier, but there were modifications xWW and I both wanted. We then went to a Notary, signed them, and it was a legal document.

Our divorce (today marks the two month anniversary) took only a little over six months. In Virginia, with no kids involved, both parties simply must be separated for six months with no marital "reconciliation" occurring. If there are kids, it's a year.

I once had a 1968 El Camino SS396. One of the best vehicles I've ever owned!

EDIT: I replied too soon, before reading the rest of the posts. There is a residency requirement in Virginia:
Quote
To file for a divorce, one of the parties must be and has been an actual bona fide resident and domiciliary of this Commonwealth for at least six months preceding the commencement of the suit.

Last edited by Fred_in_VA; 08/04/10 08:47 PM. Reason: Residency requirement

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Originally Posted by ElCamino72
I know I had enough. Now I am trying to wrap my mind around the whole concept of going in a different direction. What�s hard is trying to let go after so much effort. Can anybody reflect on how to cope at this initial stage?

ElCam, I just wanted to welcome you to the D boards. I started on your thread and have certainly seen you around. Looks like your stbxw has/had a thread also. I'll try to catch up when I can.

For now, you have your hands full with all the legal stuff. The emotional separation happens over quite some time in my experience. I know waht you mean about feeling like you just tried so hard, and then to have to turn your back on the whole thing. It's hard.

I'm 5+ months into the D process. Until 4 weeks ago, I was pretty cordial with stbxw and not really doing a whole lot to detach. Then anniversary of D-day hit and then it seemed like everything just happened yesterday. Resentment set in. With help from folks here it became clear that this pattern would repeat unless I really moved on, and that wasn't going to happen with stbxw dragging behind me like an emotional anvil.

But I wouldn't worry about any of that now, if I may offer actual advice. You are taking care of exactly what needs your attention right now: the physical assets, your move (or not), etc.

Good luck with it all. There are good folks here and I know a lot of your friends from SAA will check in.

optimism


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
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I am moving to VA by the end of the week. My new job starts on Monday. I landed a very good job - a 9 to 5 with no travel and virtually no over time or night work. Given the situation, I am going to need the flexibility to have time for the girls.

I an guessing that the D process may take about a year. I'll have to wait for the 6 months residence period but I'll check if there's anything that could be done in advanced.

@Fred or others, if you can recommend a lawyer in Fairfax county please let me know.

--ElCamino72

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ElCamino,

Good luck with your new life.

After all you've been through in PR with your business, your old business partner, your wife and the inlaws, a clean break and brand new start is probably a good thing.

You are also removing a great deal of stress with the 9 to 5 job and not having the welfare of all these friends and families hanging on your every business decision. Let someone else (new bosses) carry that weight for a while.

My best advice in proceeding with plan D is to take all the emotions out of it. Reconciliation and MB's is all about changing feelings and emotions, but plan D has no place for it. Divorce is a business deal, and you will be wanting two things; the best custody plan for you and the kids, and keep as much of your current and future assets as possible.

You do not want to use the divorce process for either retribution, nor with any hopes of reconciliation. If you start giving concessions to make you look like a good guy or to win favor with the wife, you will just end up taking her leftovers.

You need to get a plan and work everything you do towards the execution of that plan.

I was able to get every concession I asked for from my WW in the divorce, without even going to court. I got 50% custody, the house, my truck, boat, and most of the furniture, and even some child support, all settled in mediation. My wife did not concede to all this out of guilt or pity, it's because I was well prepared and had paid attention to every detail. I was coming from a position of strength and would have fared even better if it had gone to court.

If you have to wait 6 months, then you have plenty of time to work a plan. Here's a link to "the list" which has a bunch of good suggestions in it, though some may be a bit extreme. "The list" is not like MB's, you can pick and choose what applies to your situation.

http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?t=13374

The most important thing you can do right now is to start a daily journal detailing everything you do in the care of your kids.

Stay strong, ElCamino, and let the best interest of your children guide everything you do now.

Last edited by schtoop; 08/09/10 02:10 PM.
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Originally Posted by ElCamino72
@Fred or others, if you can recommend a lawyer in Fairfax county please let me know.
Sorry for the delay in replying, ElCamino. I haven't been on the board recently.

I was very pleased with the service I received at the Herndon Law Firm. My attorney was Michelle Safro.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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