Hello IM

I am in a similar position to you, in that I have felt that my H has not been commited to the M, more into work and golf and I am somewhere down the list. I am also in the same boat that I really really want a child and I am going to be 35 this year. This puts an added pressure on our situations. Do we continue to wait it out, to recover M, but jeapordise our chances of having children?

I really take my hat off to what you have done, it is so not easy even more so with the pressure to have a child. Big kudos to you!

Forgot this guy (easier said than done I know), let him go and clear some space to open your heart to someone who can love you the way you want to be loved.

I am in MC with my H, but to be honest I don't hold much hope for him, he has changed before my very eyes. I like you want a commited loving marriage, not a room mate. Thinking of you and be strong x

How does your husband feel about having a child? If he is open to it and you feel you want to hold on a little longer, to allow counseling to help you more, I would say give it a little time--maybe 6 months--but only you can decide how long, and then see how your marriage is doing and then perhaps try to get pregnant. If he is still not open to it and you feel that the marriage cannot be regained, honestly, in my frame of mind right now, I would say you are better off leaving and trying to find someone who will want a child with you. Are you using MB?

Let me clarify, no woman should try and get pregnant unless BEFORE THAT TIME, her husband has decided that HE WANTS TO HAVE AND RAISE A BABY.

Do not trick a man into a pregnancy by "skipping the pill", putting on an "oops" or otherwise drilling holes in condoms, etc.

These are all terribly deceitful and nearly criminal manuvers.

I agree--like Bubbles said--I was just not very clear. Yes, you need to have his full support before you decide to start a family, you need to feel like your marriage is doing better and at least on its way to a healthy recovery. If you DON'T feel any of this, better to try to find another or accept the possibility you may not have kids if married to this man.

I exposed to our FB friends--there are only about 5 that we shared, but these were all people I met through my marriage to him. He himself does not have a FB account--he has never liked this type of thing. 3 are part of his circle of friends back in his country. I also have talked, of course, to his BF's wife--on the road back to San Antonio in fact, so I know his BF is aware.

As far as his Romanian friends are concerned, even his BF, I don't hold out a lot of hope in them coming down on him for his infidelity and lies. Whenever one of them has made a horrible or selfish choice, they seem to get on that person's case for all of 10 minutes then just let it go. I guess friends just accept each other, flaws and all, but they do not seem to really try to alter the actions they see their friend taking even when they are doing wrong. They just seem to be, "oh well, that's just how "xx" is".

I made this comment before--that I didn't think my WH receives any emotional consequence for his actions. People may try to talk him out of it for a few minutes, but then they just go with the flow. It is hard for me because WH is a pleaser and he is one who really needs the approval of his friends (not so much his wife, unfortunately), so they have a LOT of power over him emotionally. I have tried to talk to BF to see about his help, but he prefers to try to stay out of influencing WH and wld much rather be a sounding board and give advice only when directly solicited.

Still NC from WH. I have mixed feelings about this. I can't believe he has not even made an effort to explain--even if it is lies--and at the same time, I am so happy to not have to hear him TELL me more lies. I finally cried last night. I think during the day it is not so hard--I can keep busy. Last night when I lay in bed trying to fall sleep is when all the images and thoughts kept coming to me. I try to think of other things, but of course, the cheating always comes back.

If you divorce him will he still be able to stay in the USA?

We have been married 7 years and he got his citizenship in 2008, so he is here to stay if he desires--which he does. Romania is not going to give him what the US can even if he works with his dad who owns a successful company.

Hi IM

Hope you doing ok. I am not planning to trick my H into getting pregnant, no god not at all, just saying that when your trying to work to save a M, it adds a time pressure. That is I would only try to conveive a child if we were happy, in love and secure.

My H did want a family with me, but the lights are out right now, he is in a state of withdrawal. I willprobably give it 6 months and if no further forward will move on.

How are you doing now? Are you doing well?

I am sorry that your husband was a typical, average, predictable, and selfish wayward. I am sorry for your pain. When I finally found out for sure about my ex-husband's infidelity, I felt relieved because I finally KNEW that I had not imagined everything. My gut had been right all along. I was not crazy. I was not falsely accusing my poor inocent husband. He WAS the guilty, cheating, lying SOB that my gut was telling me that he was. So you got a little emotional and broke N/C and you found out the truth FINALLY. You can't undo the words that have been spoken or written. The best you can do at this point is give yourself some time to process this new information and decide what you want to do. You don't have to decide anything this week or this month. Take care of yourself. Now might be a good time to re-establish NC and do a proper Plan B while you figure out what YOU want to do.

Again, I can't tell you how sorry I am for your pain.

(((((Invincible)))))

Just catching up here, I had a little drama of my own over the w/e so I just found your updates. What a nightmare it's been for you, I'm so sorry. We all have been down this road, as you mentioned. It's a tight club that none of us signed up for. I think we all suspected what SS2 was willing to put in print on 7/6. She was right and continues to be right - plan B is critical right now. Trying to communicate with or tell your WH how you feel would be like talking to a wall (and one that speaks a different language at that). Most likely he's living in a cloud of fantasy, rolling around in the revisionist history and lies that he's been telling OW for months.

Time to focus on the healing and put some distance between IM and the painful images and regrets. Invincible, you are guilty only of the crime of trusting the person who promised to take care of you. Maybe you didn't do everything right, but he fire-bombed your marriage.

~opt

Thanks, O. I do keep up with your thread, but I feel woefully inadequate on giving any advice since I am such a poor role model on how to do this.

I am sorry to hear of your turmoil. I guess I should be glad to not have any children and all of the potential triggers that would entail as far as visitation/OW crap. OTOH, I feel I have nothing to show for these last 9 wasted years and at least maybe a child would give me something to focus on.

So I just wanted to update what has transpired since my last post. I called "bob" Sunday and left msg asking him for the work address for the D papers. He did not call back, so I called again and left another msg that if he did not feel comfortable doing this, ok, but please just let me know. I had not been able to find the office address via internet.

Guess he was not comfortable with it and couldn't even give me the simple courtesy of telling me. He did tell WH though, so I woke up to this email.


From: WH
To: IM
Sent: Mon, August 9, 2010 8:39:05 AM

hi (IM)

"bob" told me you need the address from the XXX office here it is:

XXXXXXXXXX
North Richland Hills ,Texas76180

I wish things were diffrent between us i always loved you (IM),and i always will !!!

Please contact me if you need anything !

WH


This was my response:

From: IM
To: WH
Sent: Mon, August 9, 2010 11:00:05 AM

Things could have been different. One day, WH, you will look back and see that we are here because of the choices we made. But I would have never made the choice you made--NEVER. Maybe I should have just ignored you and just packed up everything and moved to Dallas. But that would not have mattered, would it have? You would have just carried on with this affair right in my face.

Is this really all the explanation I get from you??? This is all I deserve from you? PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME YOU LOVE ME. You do not. The things that you have done--the lies you have told me--are NOT the actions of someone who loves another. You did not have the guts to to face me or even call me because you know this is SO WRONG what you did and how you did it. You don't want to hear my questions and you don't want to hear my anger and my utter pain from this. You don't want to be made to feel ashamed and guilty for committing adultery while your stupid, trusting wife sat dumb and ignorant 5 hours away. You think you did this because we grew apart. WE DID NOT. We grew apart BECAUSE you did this. You think it was OKAY to do this. I could have DIED on that drive home, I was so upset, and you cared more about protecting your precious girlfriend of--what, a few months--then me. I AM YOUR WIFE, WH, and you did not even come after me.

If you cheated on me, you will cheat on her. If she is as of little character as you, to sleep with a married man, then she will cheat on you one day, too. Don't think it won't happen. Look at where we are today.

You have damaged me more than any man ever has. And honestly, that is saying a lot. I never thought you could do this to me and then continually lie to my face.

I don't know what my future holds. I want to divorce, but at the same time I have this teeny, tiny part of me that hopes if I let this affair run its course he will realize what he had lost. Not sure if traditional MB ideas will apply here since we are not living together and haven't in over a year. He is already used to being without me as a physical presence in his apt. He now has someone for SF and I am sure she is likely a perfect AS-type who is not 25lbs overweight like me. as far as his need for RC, since he met her while bar-hopping, I am sure she will fit in there too.

Part of me wonders if the actual D petition in black and white might jolt him a little...another part of me says, hey, if he gets that paper, he will think, OK, it is done...I now have my legal freedom.

I am just so lost right now. He has not expressed any remorse in any way--is this typical for some WS's?? He has not tried to "blame" me...if anything, he just does a Plan B to me instead so that he will not have to face what he has done. He has never been good about handling confrontation particularly when it is something he has done wrong or has acted selfishly about. I am wondering if the man I married ever even existed, or if he was actually just a consummate actor who pulled the wool over my eyes all these years.

What you're feeling is completely typical. You are in shock. Please stop communicating with him. No good will come of it. My ex-husband STILL claims to "love" me. I guess some men think that saying that they "love" us will make it easier or soften the blow. It doesn't! It is just confusing and bewildering. Please just give yourself some time to process all of this. I know that it is much easier said than done. And, btw, 25lbs is nothing! Get your sleep. Go to the gym. Eat healthy foods. Spend time outside. Hang out with your girlfriends. Do whatever works to give you a little peace and some control over your life. File for legal separation if you're not ready to file for divorce. Seperate your finances and protect yourself from further abuse.

I know the "lost" feeling. Sometimes it feels like it will never get better. Your brain knows that it will. Your heart can't imagine it. IT DOES GET BETTER.

Just read Orchid's thread on reverse babble...wish I had seen that before so I could try to apply it. A little hard to do, though, in emails, I think....I can't get the right nonchalant tone in an email.

I HAD to get those thoughts out there tho when I responded...but if I could send an alternate reply, it would have been:

From: WH
To: IM
Sent: Mon, August 9, 2010 8:39:05 AM

hi (IM)

"bob" told me you need the address from the XXX office here it is:

XXXXXXXXXX
North Richland Hills ,Texas76180

I wish things were diffrent between us i always loved you (IM),and i always will !!!

Please contact me if you need anything !

WH


To: WH
From: IM

I wish things were diffrent between us

I wish things could be different between us, too. When you are ready to end your affair, they can be.

i always loved you (IM),and i always will !!!

Hey, I love you too. Maybe I just show it in a better way.

Please contact me if you need anything !
No worries! I'll let you know when I am ready to honor my marriage vows to you again.

Amazingly, writing those reverse babble lines gave me the first smile in 3 days.

I agree that he keeps saying he loves me more to make HIM feel better than me--I mean, WTH??? You say you love someone and this is how you treat them??? He must REALLY hate this slut he's with then!

I have been wanting to get out and go for a walk, but I am physically weak. I have not had a square meal in 3 days and I want to vomit if I eat more than 2 bites of anything. I have been subsisting on "Naked" fruit/veggie smoothies because I can only seem to handle liquids. I remember going thru this part with my first divorce, but my appetite was back within 48 hours. Sleep has been difficult for me. I have gotten a total of 10 hours in the last 3 nights. Exhausted, but can't sleep. Hungry, but can't eat. Normal stuff for after D-Day. Therapist still wants me on meds to at least help me cope with day to day living.

I don't think we actually have a true "legal separation" in Texas. At least that is what I have read online. You file the divorce petition, notify the other spouse, wait min 61 days, then file final decree. At least it seems different compared to what we did in California with XH#1. In that scenario it was similar, but the paperwork we filed was an actual formal separation form, we waited 6 months, then had the final decree.

Get outside and sit in the sun. It is still coming up every morning and it will feel good.

Buy some V-8, crackers, chicken noodle soups, applesauce, etc.


Go to bed at the same time every night. If you can't fall asleep within an hour, get up. Take a bath. Clean your kitchen. Try to go back to sleep again.

If you feel lonely, call a friend or come here and vent.

These are the things that I did that helped me get through...

I didn't want to take meds because I felt I could manage on my own hollistically. Take the advice of your medical professional.

I realize Plan B is needed--and a very dark one. I will try to be strong. Should I even write him another NC letter (gee, since I was soooooo great the 1st time around), or just do it?

I have Prep Days tomorrow at the school, so I am happy to have something to keep me busy for the day.

Once last question to all, and I am really hoping to get several responses for this one:

Has a WS ever come back after divorce?

Just wondering this as I still love him deeply and that tiny little flame still has a teeny hope we might be able to work this out in the future. Everything I see in him now makes me rebel at the thought of ever being with him again, but there is that little flame...

Therapist tells me that divorce is usually final for most people and they never come back. She told me not to rush any decision either re: D--do it when I feel ready, or not, whichever.