I would just stick to the original plan B letter and follow through with actions.

Very few come back after divorce but it does happen.

Take care today. You don't have to make any big decisions today or even this month. Give yourself some time for the dust to settle. Wait until you are eating and sleeping normally to make any major changes. Being still and doing nothing is okay. You have had the wind knocked out of you. Give yourself some time to be able to breath again.

I met someone last week where she married her husband twice, they divorced, then got back together and remarried, but I don't know their whole situation I don't know if there was an Affair in the play, but it happens.

Of course your therapist is right. Obviously Most never come back. But I too have heard stories about people re-marrying. It does happen.

I still like SS2's advice however. Take some time to really figure out what you want. Stay away from his influence by sticking to a good Plan B (I'm not criticizing you for deviating from your original plan B - I can't even get into one). It's important for you to "go it alone" enough to analyze your own situation for a while.

I think it would be unwise to pull the D trigger if there's still a flicker/flame or if you feel like it might somehow result in you getting back together. If, after careful consideration and some time to heal at least a little, you feel the M is worth trying to save....well, then you have a whole other kettle of fish.

I also know time is not on your side, and I admit it's probably impossible for me to relate to that quandary -but, I really feel for you on that one, Invincible.

One thing that has kept me from the all too natural desire to backslide has been the concept that there is a better woman out there for me. BUT, as is, I'm only going to attract the same type of woman; water seeks it's own level. So, figuring out what my role was in the breakdown of the marriage (before the ultimate final nail in the coffin that was adultery), and working on eliminating those behaviors or psychological tendencies (e.g. neediness and poor boundaries), I feel is the path to a better second go-around with marriage. The by-product of all this is that I feel stronger in myself, so, even if I am alone, I'm finding I'm not such a bad guy to hang around with.

~optimism~

IM, there have been instances where people have remarried after a divorce. There are even examples on this site. Johnstwin is one. There are others who have experiences with it in their families and with friends. It IS possible but highly unlikely.

Don't lose all hope, just do YOUR plan and focus on what YOU want and need. You will make it. You will see yourself in a different light and you will LOVE yourself and who you become.

Invincible, do you know Scot's story? If you need inspiration for a good Plan B, check her thread. ("Ummmmmmm....I installed....")


You've had a little time for a breather. Are you going to write another Plan B letter? Have you heard from WH/IM's?

not trying to rush you, just wondering about you.

opt

Hi all.

I have been Scottie's thread since I started lurking on the forum before even registering. She and NewPetals are two that I follow most in this area.

I am so weak. I already screwed up my Plan B, but I know why I did it at least.

Tuesday I was at school for the day to help students "prep"--meaning get textbooks, schedules, lockers, etc. It started fine, but in the afternoon I had to run to the restroom twice because I became very emotional. Trigger: last year's prep day flashed in my mind. At this time in 2009, he was here for a few days visiting from Spain and we were still doing great and so looking forward to him coming home at the start of 2010.

Tues night I just sat here looking at everything in my apt--all evidence of our life together--little things here and there we bought on our trips, pictures, etc. I have EVERYTHING here and he has nothing with him...nothing to show I was ever even a part of his life for the last 9 years or so. All our things were stored here in SA while we were in Spain. He literally has started fresh in Dallas. Even all of our digital pics are with me because I had reformatted his hard drive on his laptop, so we saved everything to my portable hard drive. It was a very difficult night for me. Probably the most crying I have done in the last few days. oh god...crying now...be back

Ok,so to continue...

Yesterday morning I called him to ask what he wanted me to do with his remaining things here. I have a very large box of his clothes and also all the various things we have accumulated. I was just going to throw it all away, but I wanted to see what he wanted to do about it. I know that I really called because I was hoping he had been drowning in guilt and shame the last few days and had just felt too scared to call me.

Not the case at all. It was not an angry conversation, but it was tense--lasted 9 minutes. He did say "You did not deserve this...it's not your fault, it's nobody's fault." REALLY?? A lightning strike burning down a house is nobody's fault. THIS is NOT nobody's fault! I just said he was right--I did not make this choice. I did not cause this to happen.

He still tried to make the decision to divorce all about what I wanted--as if he didn't force me into this choice with what he has done. He still just cannot face that he made these choices that caused the direct demise of our marriage. Yes, we did have problems that needed to be corrected, and could have been, but he did not want to do that. He turned to someone else instead.

I think in the end, this call was the best thing for me. It has extinguished that little flame of hope and now I have accepted that divorce is what must happen. It is still breaking my heart and I am still crying, but I also know that I have made a huge step towards gaining peace with that decision. He would have never been the man to compromise to make me happy. He would have always put his wants and needs before mine or our marriage. Maybe he wasn't like this in our early years, but this is the man he is now. The man I married is dead and the one he is now is not one I would have ever wanted to marry anyway.

One day at a time. I know it will get better.

Doc put me on Lexapro and Xanax. I finally slept last night for 6 hours straight, though I did have to take an OTC sleeping pill. He was still the first thing I thought of when I awoke--literally the first thing. I know that, too, will get better with time.

I am worried that I will have little meltdowns during class when school starts again. My students are great though. They all knew I was going thru some personal stuff and that I might not be leaving for Dallas, so they were happy to see during Prep Day. If anything, seeing me get emotional from time to time might even make them behave out of pity! :o) Last year I only had freshmen, this year I will have freshmen and sophomores, so there will definitely be some familiar faces in my classroom come the 23rd. The counselors are gonna hate me cuz my former kids who are assigned a different teacher for history are already coming up with stories to try to get switched into my class. Which is sweet, but at the same time...yikes! I don't want to my classes bursting at the seams.

I will for sure be filing papers tomorrow.

ETA: He did send me an email yesterday to please not throw away the pictures and he would pay for the shipping to to mail them to him. He apologized for our our short conversation and that he would call me "if I wanted". (again, because he does not want to take any action of his own accord). He also said that he was deeply sorry for hurting me and that I deserve a better man than him (gee, I guess he must think this girl is trash then and that's why she DOES deserve him). Lastly, he said he knew I would find someone who will make me happy. (as if anyone can MAKE me happy--I have to CHOOSE to be happy). It was short email--as is his way--literally 4 lines.

I have not responded, and I think my Plan B/Plan D is finally where it needs to be. I literally have no desire to respond. It only prolongs my pain and then I am a wreck the rest of the day. I choose to allow myself to grieve as needed, but I am also choosing to begin letting go of this long, very painful chapter in my life. Life can and will be good again without him and one day a man will come along who will help seal up any remaining little cracks in my heart.

I went downtown to file today. As I drove around looking for a parking spot, I got more and more agitated. By the time I had circled the courthouse the 3rd time I was starting to lose it. This is the first time I have ever had a true panic attack, but I know for sure that is what it was. I called a friend to try to calm me down and she was able to. I was sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating. My fingers and toes were tingling and yet numb at the same time. Total meltdown.

Got home safely and another friend called to see how it went. I started to go back into panic attack mode with the hyperventilation, pounding heart, tingling.

I don't know if I will have the emotional strength to do this later. Dear God, I hope so. I cannot do it right now, though, I simply cannot.

Friend made me go out with her tonite with some other girls to a comedy club and dinner. It helped a bit, but I still found myself sobbing in the bathroom at the end of the show. The comedian had asked people to raise their hands if they were married--and I was just paralyzed. I am married, yet I am not. My friends keep telling me I am strong, I can do this, but every day just seems to be as bad as the day before. I am still breaking into tears for no reason at times, and then at others when something triggers it. I am just not doing well.

Appetite has returned somewhat, but I am still unable to eat more than a few bites. On a plus note, I have lost 6 pounds in a week. Keep thinking I want to go work out to help this little jump start along, but am still weak from lack of proper food and rest. Still only able to sleep for a few hours at night, then I wake up and I can't get back to sleep. For someone who LOVES to sleep in, this is quite a change.

I feel so lost right now. How did my life become this? I DO NOT want a divorce, but I feel like it is pointless for me not do it. I am not in Dallas--how can I possibly get him to stop seeing her and focus on repairing our marriage if I am not there? I really don't have $200 to drop for a call to Harley, but I have sent in an email request. I am so afraid he will tell me the marriage is over. I am unable to accept this and I really wish I could at least TRY to start to.

(((((((Invincible)))))))
I am so sorry for the pain you're feeling.

You know people always Affair Down, right? The skank he's with is wayyyyyy below you and he knows it. I don't know what he deserves, but you deserve wayyyyy better.

It will. There are a lot of triggers for you. That makes it difficult. With time and strength, you will prevail.


No shame in having the AD's right now. They'll help you function, which is a necessity. And sleep is crucial, so do the best you can.

opt

Aren't you going to need a lawyer? Maybe you could just let them do the paperwork part. At least that way you'd have some support.

Just out of curiosity, why are you intent on filing just now? Why not get your teeth into Plan B for a while, get your feet under you and leave the nasty business of paperwork for when you're feeling stronger? I filed b/c I had to let stbxww know play-time was over. Maybe you have a similar reason, but I don't know.

I'm sorry you had a panic attack. That's nasty stuff, people don't realize.



Pretty sure they will tell you the marriage is NOT over. They will encourage you to fight and tell you marriages have been saved from the brink of disaster. This is Marriage Builders after all.
I have to imagine there will always be that lingering nagging question in all of our minds (in D-land), what if, what if, what if? I still have it. For me there are a couple of real solid road blocks that not only didn't spontaneously resolve in 15 years, but I also don't think would have resolved within a reasonable time with monumental effort, either; even if she did ever come to identify them as problems.
Only you can decide if your marriage is over and you think it's time to pack it in and start over. I think you've done that, but naturally are wavering - that's normal. Of course, nobody would fault you for either decision.

You are GRIEVING my friend. We can only do one stage at a time, and right now, Acceptance is not your stage. You'll go back and forth; grieving, acceptance, anger, "why me," the whole gamut. If you want to accept something, just accept that this whole thing is a total beyotch but that you'll be better and stronger on the other side of it, you will Invincible.

Speaking of the other side, you might want to start a thread over there at some point. There's a lot of support there and folks going through the same feelings.

opt

Thanks for your continued support, O. I still keep wondering when I will wake up from this nightmare.

No lawyer needed since we don't have a house or children. (See what I mean when I say he got everything he wanted and I got nothing?) Am not gung ho to file but was hoping it would be a step towards accepting.

I have awoken at 9:19am the last 3 days in a row. Wondering if this is a sign that I will have the strength to file come 09/19.

First day back at school tomorrow...back to the grind. It will be good to have something to keep me busy.

I will be 37 in 2 months and looks like I will be a twice divorced woman. What does this say about me?

In time.



I understand. So, wait until you're really ready to take the step. There must be some interim steps you need to accomplish before you get there.



This will probably be the best thing for you.



It says you're human and you're caught up in this whole life thing like the rest of us.



Something good will come out of all this, Invincible. That's a promise.


~optimism

Invincible, I hope you've been so busy with your first couple of days back to school that you haven't had time for anything else, including updating here.
No need for one of your epic posts ;), just hoping your okay.

opt

Hi IM

Just checking in to see how you are?

You are doing unbelievably well. I do think been back at work helps take your mind off things, and gives you a break from the constant anxiety.

As for your question, about being 37 and twice divorced. Well I agree with optimisim you are human, and as long as you did you best in the marriage, you can't be responsible for the other person. I did some boundary work, and my god it is powerful, it is changing the way I see the world. You are only 37!!

Spend some time focusing on yourself, you deserve it, have a look at your boundaries and maybe that will help you to choose a better partner in the future or at least start the relationship in a better place. Have a look at my thread this has been driving me mad!!

Also treat yourself, take some time to have a massage, get some nice new clothes, plan a fun girlie weekend (I am off the Spain with 3 of my girlfriends in 2 weeks) and reconnect with people that you didn't pay as much attention to whilst you were married.

Hitch x