Hi, There is alot to it but I will try to highlight only the important.. I apologize for any typos English is my second language..
I met my man lets call him RegularJOE when I was 16, I would play basketball and he joined in by a common friend. I liked his friend so i started talking to RegularJOE in order to get closer to his friend, well we became good friends and RegularJOE wanted to date my sister. My sister didnt want part of him, while i was the townboy she was a little princess.. Months went by his friend and I didnt work out, but RegularJOE and I kept a strong friendship, we got drunk and things happened I was a virgin he was a virgin.. at first i felt he used me.. since my feelings were not as a man towards him but as a friend.. I learned I was pregnant and lost it.. since i was a townboy i was pushing a car and lost it.. i spoke to RegularJOE and we both felt bad .. that brought us together and we started dating.. couple of months later I was pregnant again.. we had our first baby.. we moved to NY and we had our 2nd baby.. I dont know if it was depression after giving birth but i didnt want to see him, i felt horrible, fat, etc.. so we kinda drift away from each other.. while this was happening my sister (the same one as the begining of this story) moved to NY she didnt have a place to stay so we let her stay at our home.. needless to say i found like a note (like the ones you send in the classroom) RegularJOE was telling her how much he wanted to kiss her .. she answered she had a cold sore that she couldnt, that when it cleared it was good to go.. she also asked what happened to the previous letters and he said not to worry that he flushed them down the toilet.. i was hurt i kicked her out of my house.. and i kicked him out.. she told everyone he was harrasing her and wanted to rape her.. which by the letter i dont think its true.. but ok.. after a week i went to RegularJOE�s job to speak to him.. i dont remember the whole conversation but i do remember him telling me.. �if it wasnt for you we would be living together� (we as him and my sister) .. that destroyed me.. i went back home and try to live my life.. she hooked up with a guy.. and a couple of weeks later RegularJOE came home trying to fix our relationship.. I gave him the ok.. but i was hurt that he never said �I�m sorry� so one day we were arguing and i told him that he didnt even apologize so he did.. i felt that i had to ask for it.. but i let it go.. i was working and i met a guy.. so i felt like i needed to do payback on him.. and i did.. i slept with the guy.. it dragged on.. and my man found out a year later 2007 .. RegularJOE left our house.. and he says he suffered alot.. friends and family told me he did ... i was feeling great.. but at the end.. i noticed that new guy wasnt what i wanted.. i was tired of him.. etc.. i wanted my family back.. and while this was going on.. RegularJOE would keep in touch with me since he says i�m his only true friend.. we would talk about girls he would be dating.. and i would advice.. one day i decided to move to FL.. it was in 2008 a year after he left the house.. so he agree.. we arrange for him to see the girls etc. but he would call me in FL saying he wanted to die.. his life wasnt good.. he didnt have a place to live he was tired of everything.. i gave him several options which included move to FL with us not as a couple but so we can help each other.. well one thing led to the other and we got back together.. the first couple of months was HORRIBLE.. I found him texting girls.. talking to girls online.. etc.. so i told him that if he wanted a single life why did he get back with me.. he said he was still hurt for what i did to him since he never even kissed my sister but i did sleep with a guy etc.. after the rough start we are calm now.. i still have trust issues and i check his text etc.. and he has been clean.. (that i know of) but my thing is.. i get dreams of him cheating on me with my sister.. i see them laugh at me.. she is my sister is not like i can cut her out of my life.. we are a big family(my brothers and sisters).. 7 kids total.. so we play softball together.. and ofcourse she plays.. and RegularJOE plays.. i find myself constantly checking to see if they are flirting.. if they say things to each other.. i cant do this.. i cant enjoy the game cause i�m scared they will hook up again.. she is married now has 3 kids with the same guy she hooked up back when all that mess happened (he plays with us aswell).. i have never spoken to her about that issue.. i cant.. she is the type of person she argues about anything ,she cant have a conversation.. i�m not scared of her.. but i dont like confrontations.. i dont know what to do.. i love him.. but sometimes i see things and i dont know if its me or if its true.. for example this past weekend we couldnt play cause it was raining.. i told him that.. he said well we can still go etc.. i got a text from my sister saying that she is not going cause of the rain.. and i told him he said �well if no one is going lets not go� to me he decided not to go cause she wasnt going.. so things like that hurt me.. so i dont know if i�m being paranoid.. or if im correct.. i have told him that we should not be together.. but he doesnt want to break up with me.. he says that all that was a big mistake and that he loves me but i dont see it.. sometimes i feel like he just wants me around cause together we have our own home , u know financial stability.. he cant manage money on his own.. Please give me your advice.. should we continue with this or not? Just incase we both are 32 years old now.. we basically started dating when i was 17, and started living together when i was 19.. .. THANK YOU!!

Are you married?

If not, why are you still with the guy?

This is not how relationships should work.

I agree. What a mess. Neither one of you sound mature enough for a marriage. I feel bad for your children.

I vote not.

Not...

x2

Honestly YOU need to end this relationship with this 32 year old boy. So what if he doesn't want to break up?

Next - you need to grow up. Your daughters need a strong family. They need strong moral guidance. Shacking up with one guy or the other in a senseless pursuit of your own happiness, not only creates incredible insecurity for them, but exposes them to the dangers of abuse and provides a negative example of how they should live their own lives and form their own future relationships.

Finally - as your sister is now married, her husband should KNOW how your Baby Daddy feels about your sister. He poses a serious threat to that marriage. He is only waiting for the opportunity to destroy the family of your 3 nieces and nephews. Your Brother in Law needs to know that the fox is in the hen house.

And the score after the first quarter:

CONTNUE 0
NOT 6

I'm really sorry about all this mess you and your b/f put each other in, but honestly you both are not mature, you BOTH need help.

If you really want to save this marriage (if you are) then to both be on the marriage builders program.

It wont work if only ONE of you is doing it, BOTH have to do it!

OH and my vote?

I don't think there ever was a marriage.

Hi all thanks.. No we are not legally married.. he has aked me several times and I have said no.. since deep inside i know how he feels about her i dont want to make it a bigger mess..

My daughters.. they dont know anything.. during that mess they basically stay at my moms for most of the time.. we have never ever argued infront of them.. well infront of anyone.. thats one of the biggest things.. sometimes things are really bad.. but someone comes along to visit or we have to be somewhere and we stop arguing so no one will know.. we act normal and we kind of forget that we were in an argument after all..my brother lived in our home for a while and he would actually tell people that we are the only couple that dont fight.. if he only knew ..

My daughters never saw the guy i cheated with.. i never brought him home since i was staying with my mom i would just stay at his place and my girls were with my mom so they never even noticed i wasnt in the house since i would leave late and come back early in the morning to get them ready for school and my job etc.. I know deep inside the answer to that question.. i just think i'm use to him.. sometimes i know i dont really love him..

My Sister's husand.. he knows.. he was hitting on her when she was flirting with my man .. and when i found the letter he was visiting her and was present when i confronted her so he knows everything .. when i went towards her i threw the letter at her face and when it hit the ground i saw him (her now husband) grab it from the ground..at this point i beated her up.. needless to say.. police came.. ambulance took her she had chest pain.. and when my mom confronted me i asked him for the letter to show my mom.. he said he had no idea what i was talking about.. so he covered for her.. thats when she proceeded to tell everyone her story instead of the truth cuz i didnt have any proof.. he read it i know he did.. and he knows her handwritting .. so he knows.. they are not a happy couple anyway.. she cheats on him all the time and he beats on her.. so thats another story.. and yes thats how i feel .. i feel like he is waiting for his 2nd chance with her.. and thats why he is sticking around.. Thank you all for real.. sometimes we know things but we just need someone else to say it.. Honestly though i'm scared of my girls reaction.. they are very close to their dad... since he loves video games and they do to.. i know i have to do this.. i have to stop making up excuses.. thanks..

Too many people cheating here. Why not tell your sister to get a divorce and marry your husband.

Then, you would not have to be around him anymore.

What a triple loser situation.

(Three losers and some innocent chilren.)

Thanks..

Wow, they all love video games and play them together. What a great role model.

You would be surprised at how little children "don't know".

I promise you they are more perceptive than you think.

Your behavior WILL affect them. Whether you're doing it while they're 'sleeping at grandmas' or while they're awake. How do you know that, in the middle of the night, fearful - they went looking for you and you weren't there? You don't.

So basically - they're going to learn that neither their father, nor their mother will do what is necessary and put THEIR needs and security above the selfish desires of their parent's lusts.

You've created instability with an on again, off again relationship with their father, never actually demanding commitment.

You've modeled weakness and acceptance of abusive behavior as you've allowed yourself to be strung along by this man child.

And I agree - model father, he fires up the 360 when they're around, because it's actually easier than 'parenting'.

Instead of this unhealthy atmosphere why not get rid of this guy (he can have a relationship with his daughters, of course) and grow up - take care of your daughters instead of using your mother as a surrogate while you go out and bang other men. Learn what a healthy, successful relationship requires so you can eventually find someone worthy of being a father to these girls and model a healthy, passionate, successful relationship. So they know what it looks like when they go try to have one of their own.

Things to do:

leave this man
Get help for yourself
Start taking care of your children instead having your mother do it for you
Be there for your kids even if its 3:00 in the morning
Stop sleeping around with men
Start acting your age, not a 21 year old with no children.

You have a responsibility to take care of, and that is your two daughters and yourself.

Another one for the TO DO list:

USE FOOLPROOF BIRTH CONTROL WHENEVER YOU HAVE SEX

The reason this is important is so that you do not bring any more unwanted or innocent children into the world to live with unstable parent/parents.

You and your boyfriend can be free to ruin your lives by cheating, putting up with abusive behavior and being around relatives who are cheating, You are adults.

But to ruin these kids lives is nearly criminal.

Wow there is a lot of angry people here .. guess I came to the wrong place... I think we can all give advice without insults.. fyi.. I don't sleep around I have slept with 2 men.. my current man and the guy I cheated with..that's it... I don't go out we go out the 4 of us as a family.. and I had surgery the same day I had my second daughter so I can't have any more kids and they are not with my mother we take care of them now.. they never were completely with her we have always taken care of them.. but like always the negative covers the positive.. but thanks for your concerns =)

Siempre,

Bubbles isn't known for always being the most tactful person on the boards. Don't leave because of her approach to you. Do, however, listen to the messages that people are giving you.

Your boyfriend and you are not married - for a REASON.

You said yourself that you have turned him down when he proposed to you. There is a REASON for that.

From the story you have told here, I can tell you quite a few, and I have never met you in person:

1. The beginning of your relationship was not based on a mutual attraction, nor was it founded due to any kind of desire to be "together". At first, the two of you kind of ended up together because you were young, you had a sexual encounter which resulted in a pregnancy, and you two ended up being very frightened by that. Because that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, you two then shared a very bad experience.

You two did NOT, however, learn anything from that experience. Instead, you again became pregnant out of wedlock. And, this was with a man you yourself identify as someone you knew was attracted to your sister, and not necessarily to you. The pregnancies thrust the two of you together, and without that fact you two might not otherwise even have ever made it past the courtship phase - because you two were not really interested in one another in that way. You said that much yourself. This was poor decision-making on your part. Fact is, this all contributes to why you are NOT MARRIED.

2. Your boyfriend had a wandering eye very early in the relationship, and that eye was for your sister. That issue was present from the very beginning of your relationship with this man - yet the both of you chose to ignore that. Not a very good decision. And, it contributes to why you are NOT MARRIED.

3. You had an affair early in your relationship. You have described this essentially as a revenge affair, to retaliate for what your boyfriend did with your sister. However, the fact that you are not married really does not make this an affair at all (in my mind), because you are NOT MARRIED. Because the two of you purposely choose NOT to make a commitment to one another - a true covenant of marital commitment which would validate the rules of fidelity to one another in a public way - your ideas about the boundaries of what you can and cannot do with members of the opposite sex are grey. You choose to have them that way for a reason - because you want the door to be open, and so does HE. You are not married because you want that "technical freedom" that living together affords you. And you used that technical freedom in order to get revenge on him, by having an affair.

4. Your boyfriend and you moved apart and together, and can do so when you choose - and not being married affords you the opportunity to do this without the legal system being involved much at all. The only complication might be child support, but once in place, the two "adults" can pretty much do whatever they want. Being NOT MARRIED allows for moving, splitting up, getting back together....whatever....on a whim. And so you do.
Being married, however, involves much more.

5. You have observed his behavior over time, and you realize that he is NOT a keeper. However, he is worth using for awhile until a keeper comes along. So, you do not marry him, keep that door open, and put up with whatever he dishes out so that you can have all of your bases covered, just in case Mr. Wonderful doesn't happen along real soon - at least you have "Mr. Right Now" handy. I know that my saying this will really make you mad, but often it is what makes you the angriest that holds the most truth. Consider the truth in this.

6. Finally, your boyfriend keeps YOU around because you put up with his garbage, keep taking him back, you are Ms. Right Now, and.........you keep him in access to


YOUR SISTER.



So why should he worry about why you won't marry HIM???? He isn't worried about it. Trust me. Not one bit more than you are worried about marrying him.


My advice?


Close the door behind him.

Get yourself some really good therapy to figure out why you think you actually are as crappy as your sister makes you feel, and as you allow this man to tell you that you are.

Take some time to realize that this relationship has no future, and never did.

Learn what a marriage is all about - before you even date another man. Read here about the Basic Concepts and Marriage Builders. And only after that, should you begin considering another man.


SB

double post - sorry