I really don't know where to begin. I signed up on this forum almost a year ago, but mainly lurked.

My husband of 10 yrs hasn't been entirely faithful. I found out over 2 years ago that he was been viewing porn for years (even before we were married) and keeping it from me. And he has numerous accounts on online dating sites ranging from Fling to Eharmony. There is about 6 sites total. That's how I found out. He had saved two sites in his favorites folder and I don't know what made me go through his favorites. I never did that before. There was no signs of anything going on. I was completely blindsided. I remember clearly, clicking on a site (he had changed the name name of it in the folder) and when I clicked on it and it took me to the Fling site, I literally said "WTF!" And then from there on I did my snooping. I checked everything and everywhere I could think of. I found pictues of a women he took on her motorcycle in his cell phone, I found a woman's e-mail address in his secondary e-mail account that he now says that he doesn't know how it got there or who she is (yeah, right). He has two paypal accounts. One that has our address and another one that has a fake address and a different phone number(land line that's unlisted, can't find out who own's it). There is so much I just don't know what to do. Before I confronted him I printed everything I had saved and made notes in spreadsheets and have them in a safe place.

When I confronted him he lied (of course) and had all sorts of excuses. We've had countless conversations since then that just went around in circles getting no where. I refuse to tell him everything that I found out. I feel that's the only way that I'll know if he's ever honest with me. I feel that if I tell him I know A and B then he say go with that and not tell me about C. So I have to keep my information a secret. The only thing I haven't done is get a keylogger. I've looked into them, but they are costly and I'm unemployed and have zero money for this.

Then not to long ago I found more stuff. More websites, more porn pictures that he kept on his desktop etc... Every time we talk I get "I don't know, I don't remember, just get over it, I didn't know what I was doing was wrong, It's not as bad as what others have done." So I'll never know the full details, which I feel I need to know to put the whole puzzle together. When I cry I get "Why are you crying now?" When he finds out I've been on his computer he changes his passwords. I used to have all his passwords as I figured them out on my own (at the time he was pretty predictable). I had access to his main and secondary e-mail accounts. One night I told him I saw something on his secondary e-mail and about a week later he changed that password. So I've only had access to his main e-mail. Then, he must have logged onto that site (instead of using outlook) and saw the most recent sign on date and now he changed that password. So now I don't have access to anything unless I sign onto his computer. I haven't told him I know he changed the password and even if I do He can't tell my that he couldn't remember the password as it was our son's nickname.

Any way. Now basically all we do is argue. The only time we talk is through IM when he's at work. I don't want to be in the same room with him because everytime I look at him I see everything he's done. I hear all the crictal remarks he's made towards me, calling me a narcissist (sp?) etc... Because of all this I'm super emotional and my patience (which is normally pretty high) is almost non-existent and I feel like a horrible mother. I'm not sure what I want to do, stay or go. Right now because I'm unemployed I have no choice but to stay. And if I go, all I want are my kids, which I feel he'll fight me for. So I feel trapped and confused. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I know that whatever issues we had in our marriage is both of us, but what he's done is all on him. But now I'm feeling like I'm this raving total lunatic and maybe it was me that did this. Apparently, I have had this bad attitude since before we got married (another one of his lovely comments). My head is such a whirl right now. I don't have anyone to talk to about this here except one friend. I haven't told my family incase we end up staying together, I don't want them to hold anything against him. He doesn't talk to his side at all (which is fine, that's an entirely different situation). But that is also part of my problem. If I leave, he'll be alone with no family, no one to talk to. I have no clue what to do.

Sorry for such the long post. If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading.

Hi,

Your DH is acting this way because he is still into whatever it is he's doing. Whether that be porn, another woman, etc. He is in what we call a fog. He will re-write history like saying "I have had this bad attitude since before we got married" He is probably prone to starting fights and being mean and nasty. My husband was the same way when he was seeing his OW.

Until something changes, this will go on. It's up to you in how much you can put up with. Until he comes totally clean or you find out everything and he sees what he's done to you and REALLY understands what he did, he's not going to change.

Getting as much proof as you can is great and not telling him how you are getting it and that you have it is good too. You can do a search for Keyloggers and there are some out there that are free. Try clicking on your start button and then in the search bar type .jpg, .gif, .bmp, .mov and such and see what all there is on the computer. Save what you find on a flash drive or a CD.

How old are your kids?
Are all your kids developmentally normal and healthy?

Are there any known addictions?
Porn, obviously.
Gambling?
Prescription drugs?
Alcohol?
Illegal drugs?

Any history of arrests?
Have the police ever been called to your home?
Are there any weapons in your home?
Do you feel safe living there?

Have the children been witness to any verbal or physical abuse?

How does he treat the kids?
Does he spend time with the kids?

How close are your support persons?
Family? Friends?

STOP doing this.
It doesn't do anything but cause aggravation.

Do this:
Next time an argument starts, grab his face and give him a wet kiss on the mouth.
Slap him on the butt. ( in a friendly way).
And WALK AWAY saying: "I'll resume this discussion after I calm down."

Go into another room and play music and sing.

Keep him off guard.

Have you been tested for STDs?
Get tested.

Have you called legal aide to get a consult with a family law attorney?
I think, once you educate yourself about your LEGAL rights, and his LEGAL obligations, you will feel less helpless.

Your H sounds like he thinks he has you under his thumb.
He does not.

Resist the temptation to tell him off or convince him he is wrong.

PLAN A .... And find out what your options are ..... But do this quietly.

Geez, this sounds like I wrote this post. This is my situation almost exactly. I know exactly how you feel. My crappy situation has been going on for a year now. I feel trapped. I finally did get a job and feel SOOOOO much better. I'm sorry you don't have anyone to talk to. I have a couple people. But, I've told my parents and people from work. How old are the kids? I wish I had advise to give - I can't even take the advise people tell me. If you want to talk, let me know and I'll give you my email or phone. What part of the country are you in? Sometimes it feels better to just vent - even if no answers are given - ya know? I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Someone needs to tell you that. Also, don't let him beat you down emotionally. Mine used to do that - I tell him now when he tries - "you can't hurt me anymore". We're at a different stage than you are though. I don't know why some men insist on doing that. I just don't get it. Anyway good luck and let me know if you want to talk.

Lori

Thank you everyone or your posts. I really appreciate it.

I wanted to answer these questions first.

How old are your kids? 7 and 4 (4 in a few weeks)
Are all your kids developmentally normal and healthy? Yes. There is no handicaps and are both extremely active and healthy

Are there any known addictions?
Porn, obviously. This one, but he says it's not an addiction as he feels if he was he'd be looking at it eveyday. I say otherwise.
Gambling? No
Prescription drugs? No
Alcohol? No
Illegal drugs? No

Any history of arrests? No
Have the police ever been called to your home? No
Are there any weapons in your home? No
Do you feel safe living there? Yes

Have the children been witness to any verbal or physical abuse? No, just sometimes they've been in the room when we've had a small arguement. We've tried to keep our arguements to when they are sleeping.

How does he treat the kids? Good, sometimes.
Does he spend time with the kids? Yes, sometimes

How close are your support persons?
Family? Friends?
I don't have any. I haven't told my family as I'm not sure of the current direction of the marriage and if I stay I don't want them to hold anything over him. My family is small enough, I don't want to make it smaller. My only friend that has been with me from the beginning is in Australia. So not like I can pop over to her house for a chat. But she's been there for me and listened whenever I've needed to talk. And has called from time to time.

I do plan on talking to an attorney. A few that I've seen around town have free consultations. So I'll be taking advantage of that once the kids are back in school.

Marsha, I'm not sure if he is still doing anything. From what I've seen on his computer (we have two and he doesn't use mine) he has stopped. Of course there's my paranoia that he may have found other sites that I don't know about and is on them, but I haven't seen anything. All of our talking and argueing is because I've been trying to get him to tell me everything and those are the lines I get from him. He is finally saying that he knows what he did was wrong, but every now and then I still get the "it's not as bad as what others have done." So I don't fully know the exent of his "activities." So I'm going to assume it's just been online. The "bad attitude" comment was directed towards me. He told me that I've had the bad attitude. I told him that my lack of employment and money started my bad attitude as I'm not used to depending on anyone and that his "activities" has just made matters worse. And for the longest time we've never fought. We always looked at a problem and discussed it. But he at some point shut me out. I just thought we got into a rut. There was a few times that I've asked him if "we" were ok and that it felt like we were more like roomates and not husband and wife. He said everything was fine.

Lori, thank you so much for your post. It's nice to know that I'm not completely alone. I've been starting to think that maybe "it's not as bad" and I should just get over it, like he says.

And to top it all off I got another turn down for a job that I was completely qualified to do.