I know that there are many who may pose as a "friend" of a couple who is going through an affair, but in my case it really is true.

I have been married to my amazing soulmate for 14 years. In that time we have moved away from our families (career choice) and found ourselves in a remote area that was rather isolated, but had a military installment and many families coming and going every few years. This is where our story with " JR" and "Reba" begins...

We met them through church and Reba and I became what seemed like instant BFFs. JR and my hubby had "tech-y" things in common and both could relate to each other in the stress of their jobs and they really clicked, too. JR and Reba shipped out to a new station after 2 years and we had 5 years that they were gone from us. They returned for another 2 year stint and at the end of that 2 years moved to the big city. My hubbys job took us to the same big city just months later. We have been here - among all of my family - and these best friends for over 2 years now. This is where it gets sticky...

2 months ago, my best friend exposed her affair. It was literally a shock to everyone. Looking back, there were warning signs - losing a lot of weight, working extra hours, spontaneously getting a tattoo, picked up smoking - none of which are inherently bad (that is not my point) but all of which are COMPLETELY out of character for my devoted loving FUN happy kid-toting scrapbook-making do anything for her family BFF. She had been a strong woman of faith and a cornerstone in her home with her 15, 13, 11 and 7 year old sons and husband.

She has decided she loves this 27 year old (12 yrs her junior) guy and "just can't give him up". She says all she needs is time. She says that she knows this relationship will probably fizzle out but she just needs to sow her wild oats and "do something for herself for once in her life". She admits that she sees she is tearing apart her kids and her husband has begged and pleaded more times than I can count for her to just give him another chance. He has restored his faith in all of this and I have never seen such a complete change in a person. He is starting to realize that she wants nothing to do with saving the marriage right now. She tells him that she knows he loves her and that the boys love her but she just needs her space. JR is a fix it kind of guy. Not a "wait it out" bone in his body. He wants a quick divorce to give her the "space" she wants and get closure and finality for the boys. She says it's just a piece of paper and means nothing to her. She will come back when she is ready. She is not callous when she talks with me about things, but she is sick of the nagging and pleading that JR does almost daily. He knows he took her for granted for 17 years but so desperately wants to try again. She has no interest in staying for the marriage sake and falls apart when things start being discussed because she says she knows she SHOULD feel bad but doesn't. She thinks she is messed up in the head, but doesn't want to "change" things.

There is so much more to this but the fact remains that she is still living in his house with those boys - coming and going as she pleases - never letting anyone know when they can count on her. She just needs "her time" and says that's ALL she is asking for.

NOW - here's my perspective. I think she really has a chemical imbalance or something medical going on. She is NOT the same person I have really known as my best friend for over 12 years. I say - see the doc.

I know that many won't subscribe to my logic behind deep rooted spiritual issues, but I am confident those come into play as well.

JR wants to let her go. But that is what he says with his words. He admitted he is addicted to her. He is so afraid of being alone and solo parenting that he would do anything to end this and fix it. And that is where I am perplexed...

What role do we continue to play here? I and my husband get numerous phone calls and texts at all hours of the day and night from JR. I feel like I am chasing after Reba just to see her for a moment, but something in me will not turn my back on her. I have told her straight out that I will NEVER condone her actions and that what she is doing is detestable, but what she is doing now may not be what she will do forever and I love her and want to see her through this. She is hollow - you can see it in her eyes. Is this normal before "breaking"? All of this is unfathomable to me. I can't even imagine SAYING something that would deliberately wound my husband let alone do something that would destroy him and not feeling any remorse or need to end it. She says she knows in her head that it is wrong and she should feel bad and that everyone thinks she is no good. But at the same time she says her heart is numb and she just doesn't want to deal with all of this - she just needs "time".
I told her the clock still ticks for the rest of the world even if you think you can stop it by taking the battery out of your own watch (more like the brain out of her head!)

So here's the ultimate question... Tell JR to kick her to the curb or tell him to fight? She won't fight for the marriage - not until it's "time". He REALLY depends on us for moral support and to use as a sounding board. I am looking for NO pity here but I am about tapped out. Am I hindering him by helping? (That's for all of you who have survived the affair) Should I tell him I am not qualified to help him here?

Give me SOMETHING to tell them!
Thank you SOOOO much for helping. What you do for everyone here in sharing your life lessons is saving families - one at a time. You are so appreciated. Thank you in advance for your time and advice!

Got to treat tgis as any affair.

Get the BH to come here.

Get him to expose.

Get him to stop begging her and plan A.

Won't stop seeing OM after a month throw her out. Stop financing this affair.

TappedOut,

Your friend acts as if she has a psychological disorder because for all intents that is exactly what she has. She is acting at various times as if she is highly addicted (she is), is completely narcissistic (again true), severely depressed (yep), even having hallucinations (probably that as well). All of these things are the result of the chemical imbalance in her brain caused by her affair with this 27 year old.

While it might be possible for her husband to do things that will help save the marriage, that is really up to him as to whether or not he is willing to do that since she has given him reason to leave the marriage if he so chooses.

If you can convince him to come here and learn about what to do, I would say that he stands about an even chance of saving the marriage. What I would NOT suggest is spending a lot of emotional energy of your own investing in coaching him one on one. Those in emotional turmoil can have a way zapping your strength and will power and can sometimes lead to emotional attachments that could put your own marriage at risk. So send him here if you can but please don't do too much to help him one on one.

A lot of things need to happen if he hopes to save his marriage and many of those same things probably need to happen if he is going to divorce her and walk away, which is not a decision he should make while emotionally incapable of processing what the future might hold. Whatever he does, this is a good place to learn how to accomplish your goals for marriage, whether building one or dismantling it and passing information through a third party seldom accomplishes much in the long run.

Please send him here...

Mark

There is a story in this book, Surviving an Affair (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html), that I feel could help your friend, JR, greatly. I would definitely suggest he read this book. It is a story about Sue and Jon. Sue is caught up in the other man, Greg, to such a degree that she ends up leaving Jon and her kids. However, she realizes after awhile that Greg can't meet all of her emotional needs, and that she was actually having those needs met by Jon.

What I really like about this story is that it seems as though there is no hope for their relationship, but Jon remained committed to their marriage and Sue eventually came out of the fog she was in.

You might want to read this book, too.

I am a wayward wife (WW) who is just coming out of an affair, so I know it's possible for her to come out of this. You can count on the affair relationship to crumble, though, as most relationships built on lies and lust fall apart. There is also a quote from Dr. Harley on here somewhere (I'll try to find it) that states the failure rate of these relationships. I'll try to find it and post it here shortly. [[Sorry, can't seem to find that info right now. Can anyone else direct her to it??]]

Yup, that poor guy needs MB.

I have read many stories (amazing how they ALL start the same, ainnit?) Where the BS says that this site saved their sanity.

No kidding! I am still half a basket case but if not for this site, the Harleys, our wonderful coach Kim, the books, the weekend but mostly the continued support of all of you here I hate to think where I would be. It would not be pretty I can tell you that.

PLEASE send him here.

I will chime in here and ask that you tell "JR" to come here so we can help. As you say yourself, although he says that he doesn't want to, he acts as though he does. This is a roller coaster ride of emotions that everyone wants a refund for.

Now, as far as what you can do(other than asking JR to come here), is to show her the consequences of her actions. I understand that she is a friend of yours. I know that you don't recognize her anymore, imagine how her children and husband feel? You should make it completely known to her that you do NOT agree with what she is doing. That you are APPALLED by her actions and that you will not support her decisions in this matter. That you are PRO-MARRIAGE and you will not be helping her destroy her marriage. You will MOST DEFINITELY be around to help her recover her marriage. Expect her to be ANGRY and say things like, "I DESERVE to be happy. OM makes me HAPPY. If you were my friend, you would support me in this BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH."

Well everyone - I thank you. You confirmed what I needed to hear and I am sending the m BOTH to this sight. In the past few days Reba has made a complete 180 - total meltdown. She is seeking some intense counseling, medical and psychiatric intervention and giving JR complete control over all things that make him doubt her. She is quitting her job, changing her cell phone number so that the OM can not contact her - doing anything and everything to show that she is devastated by what she has done. She is physically ill over what she has done to her kids and is determined to spend the rest of her life rebuilding these relationships. I, of course, am in no way thinking that this is fool proof, but the grief and remorse that I see so many of you talk about needing to be there is TOTALLY there - and self pity is vacant. Thank you guys, in advance, for what you will do for this couple. They'll be here soon - not as JR and Reba - but they will know that I have sought your council with their story. You are a tremendous group of people. I will pray that you will be strengthen each day to continue doing this amazing thing you do - saving families one marriage at a time! Thanks again!

I wouldn't send this to Reba, only to her husband, the husband needs more emotional help. Once Reba is out of the FOG then her husband can show her this site when he thinks it's time.