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PS - Also ditto about the dog!


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wanted to mention ..........

Not only did you give her every chance to restore the M with you,

you offered her the opportunity to restore her own integrity,

she CHOSE to DECLINE that.



M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Gerka,

I agree with the others. There are much better times ahead for you and you will have the knowledge that you have done your very best. WW is the broken one. She is one of the worst waywards I have ever heard of and am sorry she is even in the Army (I love my Army and hate it when people of such character are even part of it.) I doubt if WW will ever recognize what she has done here. I think she will rationalize her words/actions for her entire life.

I think you are doing the right thing by not responding to her calls. And I hope you find a way to resolve the "stuff" issue soon and can end this horrible situation. I too hope you can find a way to get the dog back.

I think you have an exceptional future.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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How is your plan B letter going?

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There's no plan B letter. I don't feel like I have anything left to say to her.

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Originally Posted By: Gerkaguards
There's no plan B letter. I don't feel like I have anything left to say to her.


If you are that pissed and want to get back at her, go ahead and get a PI to find out who (singular or plural) she is currently screwing and turn that into the army as well. Because I guarantee she is. I don't like her and I think she needs to be knocked down a few more pegs. Go ahead and burn that bridge completely. Maybe you could use that info to get an even more favorable divorce.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Gerk:

You don't have to get her "things" appraised.

You just have to pack them up and send them to her in whatever state they are currently in.

If her wedding dress is covered in green slime (how appropriate), then stick it in a plastic bag and then into a box with whatever pictures, diplomas and whatnot that she wants.

I wouldn't rent a storage space. I wouldn't move it to another location.

I would just ship it. UPS ground for her stuff might cost you a $100 for 2 or 3 large boxes.

If she has a beef with the insurance company, SHE can make the claim. You file for yours, you let her handle hers.

She is in A #2 or 3 since her exposure to the Army, and may have reestablished contact with the original OM. So, therefore all the anger.

As AM said, I beleive, you gave her the chance to restore her integrity. And she refused. It is going to be a long, cold life for her.

Have some fun here: X-Wife Wedding dress uses

LG

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Yes, sending everything to her by bulk mail is not a bad suggestion. Bad vibes even having her stuff around, I should think. You're in the clear - she can deal with the condition of her things. You'll have to touch the stuff even to dump it, so throwing it haphazardly into a box is hardly much more effort.

The important thing is to get rid of that stuff and get her out of your space, both physical and emotional.

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Well the army is hiring movers to move everything, so I'll just have them back her things up separately and ship them to her.

I just called Netflix and explained the situation to them. They gave me my account back. So somewhere she's getting an email on her phone telling her HER account information has been changed. Ha.

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Oh yeah, and her recent viewing was lots of romantic movies, dramas. One of the last movies she watched jumped out at me, "The Other Man" about a woman leaving her husband for a new man.

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Quote:
One of the last movies she watched jumped out at me, "The Other Man" about a woman leaving her husband for a new man.


puke


johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

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It's kind of frustrating that the advice I gave a few months ago (to sever, divorce, and move on) got deleted by a mod at the time, but is now what most of the posters are advising you to do. These have been months of needless pain for you. I can only imagine how much you have hurt. And I'm sorry for your pain.

For your sake, please, don't listen to the people saying "Time for Plan B". Gurka, your situation BEGS for immediate divorce.

I've been in your shoes, I know it's hard to do, but you WILL find someone else, someone who treats you well and responds to the love that you're willing to give.

I wish you the best, but, my friend, it's time to pull the plug.

Best wishes.


Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.

Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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2 more calls tonight while I was at the movies. And a voicemail with the soft, emotional voice that I haven't heard in months saying, "Please call me back, I have some important things to say that you'll want to hear."

She can email me if she has things to say. I'm not calling her.

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Originally Posted By: Gerkaguards
2 more calls tonight while I was at the movies. And a voicemail with the soft, emotional voice that I haven't heard in months saying, "Please call me back, I have some important things to say that you'll want to hear."

She can email me if she has things to say. I'm not calling her.


Gerka, she feeds off the drama. Go back and things might be a honeymoon for a period. Give it enough time and she'll rip your heart again. It's a cycle. It's a standard "I hate you! Don't leave me!" That's a book title about borderline personality disorder.

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This is why you need to go dark. Not in a plan B kind of way. In a "stop the insanity!" kind of way. Have everything go through the lawyers.

I would change your phone number (or block hers?) asap.

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Originally Posted By: ConfuzedHusband
It's kind of frustrating that the advice I gave a few months ago (to sever, divorce, and move on) got deleted by a mod at the time, but is now what most of the posters are advising you to do. These have been months of needless pain for you. I can only imagine how much you have hurt. And I'm sorry for your pain.

For your sake, please, don't listen to the people saying "Time for Plan B". Gurka, your situation BEGS for immediate divorce.

I've been in your shoes, I know it's hard to do, but you WILL find someone else, someone who treats you well and responds to the love that you're willing to give.

I wish you the best, but, my friend, it's time to pull the plug.

Best wishes.


Yeah, frustrating...until you remember that this is Marriage Builders, and that Gerka still felt he could continue in his efforts to recover his marriage. If the goal was possible, if he needed to try just a bit more, I think a better way to serve that is to respectfully advise.

There are no shortage of those willing to castigate wayward spouses and urge with exceedingly vociferous admonishments those betrayed to ditch that [fill in the blank].

If, however, the BS needs support, needs guidance, needs help navigating this club that they did not sign up for... If the BS has enough love and hope and belief in his or her WS and their M, if they stand for more than those denigrating their betrayed position and its intense rollercoaster of feelings, then I think it is indeed the aim of this forum to step in and help.


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I fully believe she would have responded better to a typical angry, "[censored] you, I want a divorce" kind of response as opposed to Plan A, exposure, etc.

Now what that says about the kind of person she is is an entirely different matter. I like to believe that the MB steps would work with a spouse and a marriage that's worth saving.

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Originally Posted By: Mrs_Vanilla


Yeah, frustrating...until you remember that this is Marriage Builders, and that Gerka still felt he could continue in his efforts to recover his marriage. If the goal was possible, if he needed to try just a bit more, I think a better way to serve that is to respectfully advise.


Miss Vanilla,

My frustration was that my alternate point of view was deleted for being.... alternate. I have a deep and abiding respect for MB principles and concepts. However, in my own situation I had to divorce my wife, and based my decision in part on sound advice from MB posters who advised Plan D. Had I heard a cacophony of voices telling me to Plan A her, I might have gotten confused during a very confusing time. Instead, I severed cleanly, neatly, and with a minimum of emotionally wrenching nights deciding "what to do".

I certainly wouldn't recommend Plan D for everyone. But I thought from early on that Gerka's situation was one that called for it, the sooner the better.

It's also a bit frustrating when people "this is Marriage BUILDERS, not Marriage DESTROYERS" or things to that effect, because it seems to imply that divorce is not ever the best option. I disagree. Sometimes it becomes the "least worst" option (as it was for me, and as I believe it is for Gerka).

Anyway, just my two cents.. water under the bridge now. I just wanted to give Gerka my opinion as one who went through what he is going through now, paying it forward if you will, because I appreciated the guidance I received through my divorce!

Best wishes...


Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.

Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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And your decision to D, CH, was just that: yours. Gerka's decision to fight was just that: his.

Sure, you may have saved yourself some emotional turmoil. And you are at peace with your decision. Gerka expressed numerous times how he needed and wanted to fight for his M. Hence, the MB plans. Many posters actually agreed with the idea of divorce, but respected Gerka's desire to try to salvage things. I believe your continued advocacy for D - on Marriage Builders, because you can't avoid that's what this is all about - in the face of Gerka's efforts to save things, is what got you deleted.

Interesting that your "deep and abiding respect for MB principles and concepts" does not seem to carry over to Dr. H's advice in combating adultery and saving a marriage from infidelity.

Frankly, I don't care all that much about the details of what you or anyone else said. It's counterproductive, however, and, as you said, all water under the bridge - so why bring it up?

Last edited by Mrs_Vanilla; 08/12/10 07:27 AM. Reason: punctuation

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I assume it was his way of saying "I told you so."

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