First marriage (eight years), both mid 30's, one 5-year old daughter.

My WW just ended an EA with an old BF, 11 months. I had confronted without proof, and she denied, then screamed, then threatened to leave, then moved into other bedroom. I've kept pressure on OM (through a letter stating I knew it was him). WW behavior has improved immensely after that, but I believe there has been email contact. I know her extremely well. The OM dumped her. For now, she is gravitating toward me. Fog seems to have lifted somewhat but she won't discuss it. Alternately guilt-ridden, sad. and affectionate, talking about the future together, etc. Started taking the pill again.

In Plan A, but have nothing to expose. I am trying to gather proof. She controls cell phone account. How do I get text logs and records?

What comes next?

Also, I am confused about exposure. There seems to be vast disagreement on this board about whether you should expose at all, some saying it creates a MAJOR LB, for others, particularly divorced folks, exposure seems to be almost a religion. I am a little afraid of exposing, but not much.

And is it true that Plan A alone only works 15% of the time, as I read one poster say? If so, that is seriously depressing and cripples my motivation. Thank you.

Welcome to MARRIAGE BUILDERS

Please click the link in my sig line .... and read the entire thread.

Welcome to MB. Sorry you find yourself here....it's a horrible place to find yourself, but the people here are amazing. Great support, great advice.

If we're talking MB concepts, expose. Is the OM married? How do you know he dumped her? It becomes second nature to a WS to lie and go deep with the affair, so be very vigilant. Can you put a keylogger on her computer to get emails? You can get proof that way.

Plan A does not work on it's own very often. You have to use it RIGHT for even that 15% chance to work - I don't know how to imbed links, but search the Carrot & Stick thread for Plan A. Don't ever lose hope. Yes, the chances of Plan A working alone are slim, but you do that that chance! Your WW may be one of the few it gets through to.

One question I have is, if you had no proof, what prompted you to confront your wife? Also, her moving into another bedroom indicates to me that it might be more than just an EA, could be physical as well.

another link for new posters...

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Constantly on computer, Facebook.

She's always home. Went absolutely ballistic when I said it was emotional affair with friend. Many circumstances pointed to this, but I can't go in detail on public forum. I caught them meeting once very early in the morning in her hometown. Keylog impossible.

Do most affairs lead to divorce?

OM is married.

Get key logger immediately, it will give you a record of every word she types on the key pad

Work computer, part of a network. Need a password just to get to the browser. Will keylogger work remotely in this situation.

If she's using your home computer to access the network then yes it will

I don't think there is much debate on these boards about the need to expose. It is just about always recommended. It is the most powerful weapon in your arsenal for fighting an affair. Do not be afraid to use it. It doesn't 'feel' right, but it is the best thing you can do to save your marriage.

You asked if most affairs end in divorce. I do not know. Many marriages end in divorce, especailly if the BS does not act. Read. Read some more. Read up on exposure and put your plan on here before doing anything.

There are many great people that have 'been there and done that' who are willing to help. But, you have to be willing to do some things that may not seem natural. Trust.

I am sorry you are here, but you are in the best place you can be given the situation.

What debate about exposure?

You mean when the new people come here and don't know nothin' about no MB and they are letting theirn fears control their decisions?

Exposure is not debated here. It's hammered home to the new people. That is not debating.

Okay. That's fine. Knock me around some. Of course anyone would be afraid to expose. I'll do it if I have to and if it has the best chance of resolving the issue. However, I have read, on MB, that exposure is often put off until Plan B is enacted.

Is this wrong?

I really do appreciate everybody's help.

Actually, exposure is part of Plan A. It is something that blasts the A- EA or PA, doesnt' matter. Here's the thing- exposure is scary for the betrayed spouse (BS). You just KNOW it will drive them away, they'll hate you forever, you'll ruin all your chances at recovery.....but it really doesn't work that way. the WS will say all of that, but it's just the fog talk.

Exposure works. Exposure works. Exposure works.

Your wife is in the fog, probably lying (are her lips moving?)and if you want your marriage, you will expose.

I always wonder why the WS (wandering spouse) minds exposure if they're so in lurvvvee with the AP (affair partner).

Howtoheal, that really helps. Thanks. I saw your history by your signature. Sounds like you know what my WW is going through right now.

Do the other experts agree?

It's just so.... embarrassing, humiliating.

Why are you embarrassed and humiliated? You are not contacting anyone on FB. You are not having an affair. You are not ruining your marriage by becoming distant and unaffectionate. The affair is your wifes doing, and is in this fog where she thinks what she is doing is right. The best way to remove the fog and help her realize that she is wrong is through exposure.

The best way to get evidence is using a keylogger to get FB conversations, and her password so you can snoop through her messages and email. Save this stuff off at a secure location. Allow your exposure targets the opportunity to see the evidence if they would like to see it.

Why keep a secret that is not yours and that is harming your marriage?

Do you have a list of exposure targets? People who influence your WW and OM, the people who care for them both the most.

I tell my husband all the time that I am soo glad he exposed my affair, if he didn't then I wouldn't be here happy and in love with wheels (husband), I would have moved to OZ where the OM lived.

So trust me when I say exposure SAVES marriages, either to get back together and have a happier marriage or finding someone else who will treat you right.

I would tell everyone
Friends
Family
Co-workers
neighbors
OM'S W (Other mans wife)
Your children
etc...

Anyone that will influence her to STOP acting the way she is acting, selfish, and immature.

I should add that slowly cutting off contact does not work, and not exposing does not work. That happened with my wifes 1st affair. Notice I said 1st affair. The 2nd was right on the heels of the first since NC was not abrupt, and exposure was not done. Sure we had opened up to each other after the 1st affair and I thought we were on the road to recovery, but she began to confide her feelings of rejection of OM to another male friend. Whalla! new affair within a couple months.

Wheels Spinning, what is your situation now?

^wheels is telling you the truth! If you don't expose I guarantee if this affair ended she would be on the next one within months!

Wheels, it's embarrassing to me for others to know I've been cheated on and lied to.... But embarrassment is a luxury, I guess. I need to do whatever it takes.

Thank you both. I'll keep you posted.