My situation now is sapph and I are doing our best on the road to a loving recovery. We are close to the same spot we were in when we were first married. I really hope people around us comment on us being newly weds again. Sure we have our marital hiccups, but we know how to correct them and discuss how to avoid them in the future.

I understand that it is embarrassing to think that you have failed your marriage, that it is partially your fault, and what others will think. I once told my mother in law that it takes two to make a marriage, so her H cheating on her was partially her fault. After exposure FWW sister said the same thing to me, I didn't tell her off, there was no point. I understood the actual situation, and her blaming me had no bearing. Now I realize that it takes two to make a marriage good or bad, but it only takes one person to have an affair.

You did not choose this, you have no responsibility in her affair. If others may judge you or look down on you remember that you did not put your wifes fingers on that keyboard and tell her to go have an affair. In reality people are extreamley supportive of a betrayed spouse. More than likely your in-laws will even support you. Adultery is not to be pushed under the rug.

Grey- why are you embarrassed? As wheels said, you didn't do this.

YOU want to save your marriage. YOU are enlisting their help in saving your marriage. YOU are doing the RIGHT thing.

My BH didn't want to expose, but I knew as a WW deep in the fog (and I shudder as I remember how stupid I was) that I NEEDED it- just like Sapphire says.

We know, we were there once.

Grey, I am sorry you are here. But I wanted to put in my two cents and say that exposure really does work. (I am a FWW and my H is a FWH). When I was found out, I was of course angry, but in the end I realized what a huge benefit it was for me. It was like a weight lifted off of me. I realized that I could actually live a life without lies and secrets and that my life was SO MUCH better without that.

Now, unfortunately, full exposure did not happen on both sides. And I regret that to this very day. I still question on whether or not this was a mistake. And I still don't fully trust and still have guilt. I feel like if full exposure had happened, I would trust much more and be in a better place.

At this point, I say what have you got to lose? You have already experienced the most painful thing that can happen to you. I say expose, plan A, then plan B if A doesn't work. What's great about MB is that you have a plan of action. Without it, you are lost. (as I was until I found MB).

Good luck to you.

I'm not Wheels, but Wheels and Sapphire are married and in recovery.

Grey,

I think you need to put your foot down and put an end to this nonsense.

How does she contact OM? How does she get on Facebook? Shut it down. No argument. Just do it. Get a filter that cuts access to those sites, or just cut off the internet at home altogether. Phone not in your account? Get your own set up? I know that if there are multiple numbers on one account, you can set up your own online. All you need is the info (usually your WW's social) to get access. Block phone numbers and email addresses if you have to. Make sure OMW know about the affair. Take your evidence and expose to her family and friends. And no, you expose in plan A. Yes, it is a love buster, but it damages the affair more than your marriage. It's a strategic LB. Exposure usually blows over in about 2 weeks. That is why we tell people to keep plan A'ing after exposure for a while before transitioning into plan B. You don't expose in plan B. Don't accept this type of behavior. She'll threaten you with divorce, but let's see if she gets off her butt and actually does it. My guess is no. She won't want to take the financial hit or have to sell the house or other consequences. She's addicted to this social networking crap. Time to cut it off and have her start living in the real world. Time to sack up and take back control.

Yes that is correct

If you want to read what I did to wheels and the H*ll I gave him, which he so DID NOT DESERVE!!

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2329655&page=1

And here is my story when I came back to get my marriage back!

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2376220&page=1

"It is true that I loved my Josephine, but alas, I did not respect her."-- Napoleon, most brilliant of BHs

second most brillian: jmwc95... And thank you for smacking me around a little. I get it. It's Grey_Prince, not Princess. I LOVE the idea of a filter or even cutting off the Internet. That is beautiful! I am going to use it. However, I am still gathering proof. Would not the coup de grace to the A (and further ones) be to combine this with massive exposure? I know you guys don't think I'll do it. Believe me, I'd do it tomorrow morning if I could.... I only wanted to weigh all options.

You are all amazing.....

Now, what to do when Plan A starts to... work?

And yes, I know, I haven't gathered all my proof yet. I get it, expose, expose. But I did deliver a fatal blow to the relationship. Of course, I know, based on what many of you tell me, that she will find someone else online unless I stop her.

What I mean by the question above is this. Did any of you start to feel revulsion and contempt when your WSs were in withdrawal? It's funny how the tables turn, isn't it? Nothing stays the same in life. In the beginning, the unfauthful one has the leverage and power of secrecy and confidence, and the BS feels worthless... The best emotional-- and physical-- comparison I have is that my heart was ripped out, but I'm still alive. During the EA, when she gave me the blah-blah I'm-not-in-love-with-anymore nonsense, she looked sensational, confident, sexy. Now she munches potato chips and stares vacantly at the TV, while MY confidence is back to what it was (or at least, getting there). Her right foot has been shaking for four weeks (three, nonstop). I feel like I married some basehead loser, a junkie who brought tragedy on her family, on her CHILD.

So I guess I love her. As a matter of disclosure, I should say I had a ONS she found out about a few years ago, and she basically admitted this was revenge..... admitting while-- officially-- refusing to acknowledge!!! How f'd up is that?

Why continue? Because my best friend is a five year old girl who has wavy hair like her grandmother (my mother) and has a crush on Handy Manny. She hugs the cat so tightly that he usually meows a gentle protest for her to quit; he loves her right back. I love my wife, but she is hard to respect right now, mon general.

Last night I got NO SLEEP at all, by myself, of course. Today I feel strong. I had made a little money in stock market over the last few years through saving and investing. I told my WW I wanted to set up an account for our daughter-- she said "great!" with mock enthusiasm, and so I did. I won't let her drain our finances.... That was another thing she had been doing during the A, with the clothing and shopping binges. And for what?!?! To look sexy on Facebook for someone four states away? Pathetic.

Do other BSs find themselves alternating between love and revulsion?.... Don't even get me started on neglecting our daughter.

Heck yeah. I would love to maintain one emotion for longer than 2 hours, except of course if it is anger, thats a whole other story.

BTW, holy smokes, Sapphire! You really put him Wheels through the meat grinder! I can't believe you guys made it, though, thank God you did.

and guess what all he had to do??

EXPOSE!!

LOL, I get it, I get it. Need a little time, though. She's on the Net, even now.... See all of you later!

Update from his Royal Highness, the Gray One.......

A week ago, sent a note to OM and OMW telling them I hope we can get together for drinks soon because we have so much in common and could talk for hours.

Since then, WW seems to be turning my way, but is by no means over, of course. She still won't admit anything (or anyone) and has the nerve to question ME on possible-- to her-- indiscretions. Talks a little crazy and panicky when on defense, so I backed off. Other than this, no fog-babble I'm-not-in-love-with-you talk. Wears the wedding ring. I separated some finances as an insurance policy, though. Used a DVR for eight hours and got nothing. The only thing scandalous I picked up was the quality-- and quantity-- of TV watched.

She is more open with the cell phone, but I know-- from behavior-- emails with the wonderful and understanding OM have been exchanged. Some people have a knack for deception; she doesn't, thank God. However, I think the email has died off as well. There seems to have been a positive sea change even though withdrawal symptoms show up in waves. Up, down, up, down. The ups last longer as times go on; downs recede.

This community has been a lifesaver. I have great affection and respect for all the veterans, particularly those who posted comments and advice. I even (or especially, maybe) want to thank the experts who were so tough on me.

I know that a lot of BS's peek around this board, scared to sign up and log in. They want advice and feel lost. They feel the worst emotional pain imaginable, like a gaping chest wound, a missing heart from a body that lives, functionally, anyway. But they are still afraid to join and post. I know because I was one of them.

To those folks, I want to impart a little cheap advice. First, when executing Plan A, keep your dignity. Cry by yourself, NEVER in front of the WS so as not to look weak. Be accomodating but dignified. You-- and I-- have just been treated with the worst kind of disrespect one spouse can render another. BUT, don't act like you deserve it. Shield your darker emotions. Vent them here among friends, where you are safe and cared for. If you do these things, you will have success. GP Out

I'm not going anywhere. I'll be back soon. GP

Did you expose? If not then you are so not in the clear, she will either go back to this OM or find a new one.

Good luck.

Oh, I know it isn't over. There is still email communication. How do I know? After ten years, you get to know someone well, and she's not very good at consistent deception. She is addicted to him. I know that A's, whether EA or PA, don't last. At some point there is a crash, but I far from there. Could be worse. He is in another state, is married, has kids, and is really scared right now.... More on that below.

I still do not have HARD proof, but I know what I know, and who OM is. I have effectively scared him so much-- by knowledge, not threats-- that I delivered at least some damage and pressure to the "friendship." Can't get into detail on that one.

I have some questions for the experts here....

1. What is the BEST key logger? As I said before, her computer is a work one that is password protected. I can't break the code. But you guys also said that if I install key logger on the desktop-- which is DSL and provides wireless Internet access for the other computers-- I can effectively track all wireless computers in the house. This sounds too good to be true! Is it possible?

2. Are key loggers undetectable? She checks my Internet history-- which I scrub-- on the desktop. I'm worried that if I install key logger, she will find it, find out somehow. I am not especially tech-savvy. If anything, she is better than I am here. We have two browsers on the HP desktop in the den, one in her name, one in mine. As you all know, software you install on one person's browser will show up on another's. What I need to know is can key logger HIDE? It won't do me much good if she discovers it.

3. Where would you place a DVR in a car? She is going out with a girlfriend Saturday, and this is someone she confides in. This girlfriend is actually a big friend of our marriage, but she has been unable to look me in the eye for awhile, so I know the EA is still on, if injured.

Any advice is of course appreciated. I know this is a campaign, not a battle. Takes time. For my daughter's sake, I am in it to win it.GP