Heck yes he should send it!! And if she tries to contact him, it will be up to him to prevent her from getting through.

A lot of people end up getting a poly test done, just so they dont go crazy with all the thoughts going through their minds about the A. If this will help, then explain to your husband that it's only to help you to recover and have a peace of mind, that it will only HELP your marriage recovery.

If he agrees then thats a good sign...

If he doesn't then that's a bad sign...

If he blows up and say "oh you will never trust me" bla bla bla

Tell him, of course you dont trust him, that trust has to be earned, and if he wants the marriage to work then he has to do this for you.

Hey everyone! 2 1/2 mos. past D-day, and things are going pretty good for WH and I! We spend over 15hrs. of UA time together, do everything with each other and have a date every Saturday night. We have become exceptionally close, and I can def see where our marriage was in need of alot of TLC! I feel and see his love for me, overwhelming, and it feels so good! We last saw MC on 07-13-10, and our counselor said we can now come on an 'as needed basis'. I feel good about that, she is the one that told us about MB website. She totally believes in the MB principles, and said we were doing a great job! Now my problem: today I just feel sick that my WH had this A, I can't get it out of my head! Some days are so 'easy' and today I just have confusion, sadness, depression. Please send some encouraging words my way, I could really use them today. Thanks!

Maybe these times are the best to ask your H for some help. Let him know that the past is buggin you and you need his help to see the good things you have right now. Talk about the good things you plan to do, perhaps some MB principle you need to brush up on.

I guess this is the roller coaster of recovery, with every valley there is a hill to climb until you are back on top of things.

(never liked the roller coaster model, you always end up where you started. I like the y = t/2 + sin(2t) model. You are always progressing even if you have a setback.)

It will get better, sunshine, as time goes on. The fact that your marriage is really in recovery will help the situation. But I have to warn you that this is a 2 year stint. Your feelings are not going to go away overnight.

When these feelings come up, I would not discuss the affair with your H. That will hinder your recovery.

Sorry you are feeling so bad. {{{{{{{{{{{sunshine}}}}}}}}}}}}}

This is definately not a fun process at all. I know I will feel better when he comes home from work, I always do. Thanks for the words of encouragement wheels and ML (and the hug of course, I needed that!) I will not bring up the A, but will talk about new and special things we can do together. I will take both of y'all's advice and get through this difficult day, I already feel better!

Please assure me I am normal. Some days I just hate my WH and what he's done to us. I can't look at him, touch him, talk to him. He just disgusts me. Now these feelings do not last all day, only an hour or two. He knows when it is happening and just gives me a big hug. He is trying so hard. These feelings come and just hit me like a ton of bricks. They are not even associated with a trigger, it is not every day, maybe 3 days a week. I know I have a rollercoaster of emotions, but this is horrible, like right now I am crying just at the thought of his A. Thanks for listening, I had to let off some steam.

Hi all. I'm not sure where to begin, so I guess I will just start typing and see what happens. 3 mos. past d-day. I feel now, at this point, I am playing a role, acting so to speak. I do love my WH, but what he's done to us...... I can't stop thinking about it, it consumes me. I feel like I want to pretend everything is fine and dandy, then when I am able to support myself, just hand him divorce papers. I want to hurt him like he hurt me. It is just so weird, I love him, but hate him. I am 40 yrs. old, I have been with this man over half my life, I'm so scared to even think about moving on or being without him. I need words of wisdom right now. Please!

Bump

Thanks for the bump SR, but maybe just one more time will do the trick!! I AM having a rough time!

Are you still in plan A?

Do you even have a plan?

If you are then remember what you need to do during that plan A carrot and the stick.

have you decided how long you can handle plan A?

sunshine, you are just beginning to recover. Don't get discouraged as long as he is doing the right thing. You will get over being angry. Hang in there!

Hi all. I'm not sure where to begin, so I guess I will just start typing and see what happens. 3 mos. past d-day. I feel now, at this point, I am playing a role, acting so to speak. I do love my WH, but what he's done to us...... I can't stop thinking about it, it consumes me. I feel like I want to pretend everything is fine and dandy, then when I am able to support myself, just hand him divorce papers. I want to hurt him like he hurt me. It is just so weird, I love him, but hate him. I am 40 yrs. old, I have been with this man over half my life, I'm so scared to even think about moving on or being without him. I need words of wisdom right now. Please!

I think this is what is called "real life."

Even people who have never had an A in their marriage have bad days. Even bad weeks.

Mel was right when she said it would take time. Whenever you feel as you have expressed above, it's probably best to wait a day or two and see if your feelings change. I usually tell myself that when I wake up tomorrow, things will be better. They nearly always are. My situation doesn't change much, but my feelings, attitude, and outlook often does.

People sometimes say "I'm not going to pretend things are OK when they are not." The truth is that "things" might be OK, but we are not OK. The best cure for that is time, and patience. JL if famous for talking about these two. If you want a miracle, it may be that time and patience will get it for you.

In the short term though, our hearts go out to you.
May God bless you with the best possible outcome.

SS

Sunshine I have read your entire thread and I have to tell you that at certain points I felt quite envious at the progress that you have made, we have the same D Day and I am not even one quarter of where you are, I am not even capable of developing a Plan A, so I say to you at this point that I believe that you have made great strides and for that you can feel a sense of accomplishment.
You say that some days you hate your H? for me that feeling of hate occurs several times a day, the confusion depression and sadness, feelings of desolation, they occur every day so take heart, you have made great strides!!!!

Thank you all for your kind words, they truly, truly helped me today! I know I do love my wh, but right after finding out about the A I just wanted to be with him and love him, sure I was angry and upset, but I knew I wanted to save our marriage! Now 3 months out, this hatred toward him scares me! I am working through it and you all have no idea what you mean to me!!!
Teaser 8, I agree that I know I am a "lucky" WS so to speak. I even brought this up in MC several times. I have read too many stories on here that have literally broken my heart! I do feel lucky in the sense that my WH wants to work on our M and has been working so hard to make things right. He just told me the other day how much he 'hates himself' for all the pain he has caused. I thanked him for saying that, it meant alot to me! Good luck to you Teaser 8.

Hey all! Ok, 4 mos. past D-day and I feel like I'm not even sure I want our marriage anymore. As you may know this is my WH 2nd A. The first A was 14yrs ago. I think, over the years, I kind of thought 'Well WH was young(25 at time of 1st A), had 2 kids and 1 on the way, lots of pressure to provide for our family. Let's just write 1st A off as an immature mistake on WH part'. Obviously, no MB for us, just kind of 'swept under the rug.' Now with this 2nd A there are no excuses. He really has done alot to help me through this hell. We literally do everything together, he texts and calls me all day while at work etc. We are reading HNHN, and have read SAA, also following MB rules. I feel like I have an angel on one shoulder telling me you can get through this, the devil on the other shoulder is telling me he'll do it again and you'll never be able to trust him. Like I said, one A we can get through this, we'll figure it out, but 2 A's? I guess I'm wondering if WH is a serial cheater. Will he ever change?

What needs to change here is the way your marriage is set up. It should be set up in a way where he can't carry on the necessary second life to conduct an affair via transparency and never spending the night apart.

The second protector is a romantic marriage. Ending his affair leaves a vacuum and that must be replaced with a great marriage where you are both IN LOVE.

Are you and your husband actually working on implementing the Marriage Builders concepts in your marriage? The fastest way to achieve romantic love is to spend 20+ hours per week meeting the top 4 intimate needs.

Yes, ML, we have spent so much fun, quality time together these last 4 mos. Every day he tells me he is falling deeper and deeper in love with me! The funny thing is, is that I too, feel I love him more and more each day. We are so sappy around each other our children notice it and tell us to stop, you're making us sick! Ha! I have that darn devil nagging at me, giving me doubt, though. I suppose it could be that this was WH 2nd A, and it will just take alot longer to get to that 'safe place' I need to be.

And keep in mind that you are just starting! This can take years. It takes about 2 years to recover from an affair. And even then, you should not trust him. It was too much trust that made the affair possible. I would keep snooping. He needs to be diligent in his transparency.

This feeling of not trusting is so difficult. I mean I hate not being able to trust him. He really is being totally transparent and I def snoop every chance I get! The thing is I really DON'T know what he's doing at work cause I don't have a video on him!! I really wish I could!! WH did meet POSOW at her place of work, so I guess that is in the back of my mind, too. I guess I corrulate(sp?) the two, his work and POSOW. It is very difficult to tell him bye in the morning knowing he could be delivering water to some other POSOW's work and start a new A.