I�m looking for some advice / opinion. I�ve been divorced for 8 months separated for a year. Was married for 34 years and been together for 36. Marriage ended with me asking her to leave because I could no longer deal with rejections and her infidelities. She filed for divorce shortly after leaving.

Fast forward, I�ve dated a few times since the divorce but never really connected with anyone. About 6 weeks ago I meet a woman that I like a lot. We have much in common and just seem to get along great. She said the other night that she loves me and she seemed surprised that I didn�t respond in kind. I told her that at this point in my life I wasn�t sure what �love was� and that being hurt like I was over the past few years I feel like I need a lot of room to find out who I am. I don�t recall me being anything but a husband and father for ever.

So, even though she seems to understand I still feel some pressure and she still tells me how much she wants to be with me and how much she missed me when we�ve not together. My question is how do I move her away emotionally � I don�t want to hurt her but I not ready to be �me and her�

Be very candid with her just like you were here. It's better for her to learn where she stands right now than it would be later. Trust me...my fiance of a year just broke off with me. Don't take it further than you're comfortable with and ready for.

My thinking is that anyone who is not sure what love is or who they are, should not be involved in anything more than casual dating. It's good to spend some time alone, get to know these things (what love is, who I am), get over the divorce, etc, before starting relationships. Otherwise that first relationship is bound to be a rebound (no pun intended).

AGG

Thanks for the advice. I have told her several times and I guess at this point I will continue repeating where I'm atand how I feel. My intent is not to hurt anyone, but I'm first on that list not to hurt. It's a different order than I had over the past years and I hope that doesn't sound selfcentered. I just don't want to feel the way I have felt the last few years.(rejected)

Again thanks for the advice!

Denny,

Which of Dr Harley's books have you read?

I think I have read all of them over the last few years. Been through his need her needs recently.

Why do you ask? Any suggestive reading that might help me? or her?

I'm just suggesting that the Love Bank model explains things pretty well.

If your balance in her Love Bank has exceeded the romantic threshold, then she feels as if she is in love with you.

On the other hand, since her account in your Love Bank has not yet reached that point, you don't feel the same way. Your threshold might be higher or your reliving memories of your past might be taking a toll on what she is depositing.

Memories can be dealt with in order to prevent them from causing us stress or fear that can stop our Love Bank from taking deposits and can also cause us to associate past memories with current persons and situations. See the Managing Memories link in my sig line. Be sure to read the link in latest post even if you don't read the whole thread, though it really sums up what I was trying to say by giving application of the methods it describes.

If the "problem" is simply that your your Love Bank has not yet reached the romantic threshold, continuing this relationship MIGHT add enough so that you will one day reach that point.

Keep in mind that "love" is not something that happens by accident or overcomes us when we turn our backs. It is a continuation of someone providing the stimulus that causes us to be happy or to feel good until they have done it enough that we associate the feelings with the person rather than just what they do when we are together.

But if when we are together, we have a negative emotional response, the fact that we are together associates the person with the feeling and if it repeats often enough the negative feelings end up being transferred to the person even if they had no direct cause in the negative feelings we had while with them.

This can be what the memories of your xW might be doing in your current relationship. You might be associating intimacy and closeness with past hurts so much that you aren't making new good memories fast enough to overcome the older and more painful ones. If you keep dating this girl, it might lead you to eventually allow enough in to overcome the negative memories and the resultant feelings. But that can only take place once the past hurts have been dealt with so that they can no longer hurt you in the present.

You can't help how you feel, but you can choose what you think about. Your brain can only process one memory at a time and can also only feel one feeling at a time. It can switch quickly between memories and feelings and so can seem as if there is little reason for the changes that take place. But since the feelings of a memory follow the thoughts of the memory by 90 to 120 seconds, it might be possible to change your thoughts from the old memories to the current good situation and so short circuit the bad feelings before they arrive. This would lessen hits on your Love Bank while with her and might speed up the process of healing as well.

No matter who you might have a relationship with in the future, I would recommend that the relationship be founded on using MB as the standard operating procedure. The Love Bank model works because of its simplicity and the fact that just following the basic concepts assures a romantic relationship.

Look at the first couple of chapters of HNHN again for a point of reference for what I am saying.

Mark

Just a comment. I have always compared divorce to a death of sorts - something that needs to be grieved and processed before dating should begin again.

It could be that you are just not done grieving your marriage/divorce and need more time on your own to process what happened, what part each of you played, and studied how not to repeat any part of it that you might have contributed to.

I can see that being complicated with a third person in the picture, complete with emotions that may not be shared. You may simply not be ready to allow another person in your life right now, and I don't think that's abnormal.

Thanks Mark that is very good information and yes I can relate to it. No dought there are triggers and I'm sure they're part of my resevered - cautioned feelings.

I will re-read HNHN again, always seem to pick up more each time. I have worked hard at practicing the love bank for several months and I guess years since 05 and the x's affair. Understanding it help but she never really got on board so after awhile I gave up and actually took the reverse approach to end our marriage. That was a very hard time for me and I never want to do it again. It's tought to be a sucess at the first marriage 50-50 and the odds go down on the second so this guy is going into the next relationship with a well thought out plan and the MB seems to be the choice.

Again thanks

To me that would be a bit of a red flag...only dating 6 weeks and she's already saying the 'L' word? What's her rush? How can you feel you really know someone in 6 weeks, let alone love them?

Maybe the reason you don't feel very good about saying it back to her is because you are listening to your instincts and your instincts are telling you that it is way too soon to be at that point with her.

Keep listening to yourself!!! There are so many of us here on these forums who stopped listening to our instincts (I'm one of them) and we ended up in a world of hurt.

Denny,

I totally agree with Sidney.
Triggers probably have a lot less to do with your caution than
1. You are healthy enough to take a relationship slowly
2. You are wise enough to realize you don't really know someone at 6 weeks, let alone love them.
3. You are kind enough to realize thattre ating infatuation or lust as if it's love will only hurt the other person when it wears off.

If someone used the L word after 6 weeks, I'd run the other way because I'd know that, at best, that person's understanding of relationships was radically different than my own. At worst, I was dealing with a very needy, unhealthy person who would smoother me.

Very good advice, both of you! I'll have to remember that as a red flag from now on...

Also, perfect first dates are a red flag. I'm not sure why. I just know I've seen a correlation between perfect first dates and short-lived or bad relationships.

Maybe because they aren't real/honest/candid?