Hi everyone,

I've been reading a lot on affairs and especially the information on this website. My question is what if my husband is still holding on to the possibility of them being together?
I want to fight for us and I am trying. I did have a hand in breaking them up (apparently/hopefully)....but he refuses to not continue contacting her. They work together and he absolutely will not take himself of the project. He says that they can and will continue to be friends.
To sum up what happened: He went on a business trip to Qatar (her included). They worked 12-15 hrs right next to each other and involved alcohol at night. They have only kissed a couple of times....but mostly it's an emotional connection.
He is infatuated with her and has convinced himself that he hasn't loved me for YEARS and that there has been no passion for YEARS!
We have a 4 yr-old daughter, a 9 month-old son, and I am currently pregnant with number 3 (17 wks).
I DO NOT believe that he hasn't loved me....I think we both failed our marriage and each other with our actions and I KNOW it can be fixed!
BUT in his mind he thinks they will be together after the divorce!?! He hasn't seen her in a bit over a week and is actually heading down to Charleston tonight for work...and will undoubtedly have some type of contact with her.

How do I help him get past her? Or can I? Is it really just up to them to end completely? He doesn't care at all about the consequences. He's even trying to get me and the kids to move up to MA with my family....NOW! He's currently couch hopping and I think he's just trying to avoid all responsibility and continue this fantasy he's built in his head.

WHAT DO I DO???? We have always been each other's best friends. He even says I still currently am. I know we can work past this and look back on it in years to actually be happy that it happened.

It's driving me absolutely batty to not see and know of all of their contact. He's pissed I broke them up....and still has this anger. That's truly the only way that I know they're not together.
He says my vindictive feelings towards her makes him not even want to be around his children.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I have absolutely no control or choice here. We are married and he hasn't even filed for separation.....but in his mind we are divorced.

I've tried to convince him to atleast try and fight for the children.....he vowed never to let his kids go through what he went through, but that does not matter now. He feels that if it's ultimately good for him........then by default it's good for the kids. I know he doesn't hear at all what I'm saying! Just as I think he's lost his F-ing marbles and don't understand the lack of logic.

PLEASE HELP! PLEASE!

Do you want the affair to end? Then expose it to his work. Write a letter to his boss and HR letting them know if their affair and letting them know you expect them to do something about it. The affair has never ended because they are still in contact. One or the other is going to have to get another job if you want your marriage to survive. It's time you stood up to him and started to take the steps of repairing your marriage for him. Sure, he'll be mad, but he'll get over it. He'll never get over OW as long as they work together.

Read the link in my sig line

Is the other woman married?

There is no possible hope of a recoverd marriage if they are still in contact.



Has he filed for divorce?

EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE!!

She is not married. She's 26, pretty and just graduated law school. I think she's the type that just truly needs and likes male's attention.
I've thought of talking directly to the bosses. But what I have done so far as just pissed him off...he says that it's just making him hate me.
He works for the government and they obviously frown on this sort of thing....and I had threatened to tell their bosses. SO he went and did it first. He said that he could lose his job...but ultimately he is too valuable to the project. SHE however is just an intern. Jumping around from project to project to get experience for her specialty in Contract Law. She could very easily be moved. The bosses apparently talked to both and are leaving things as is...because they said nothing is going on now!

He hasn't even filed for separation yet. He's mentioned us filing out paperwork from the internet and having it notarized. I told him he was crazy....I don't want this! I'm not going to sign and agree to it.

What if I am successful at removing her from the project and that destroys any hope of us getting back together. What if that drives them together? I wish I could have a crystal ball right now.

Oh when I asked him the other night if he truly hadn't loved me for years....then why do we have Ian (our 9 month old) and why do we have this new one on the way? His reply, "Ian was meant to be.....this one wasn't"!

God I need strength!

cjone,
sorry you are here but the MB support is life changing.

Listen to these vets that have recovered their M.

Do not believe your H that he has gone to his supervision, do not believe that they have talked to Little Miss Law Ho.

He is lying. Also there is a good chance that this A is not just emotional but physical affair. Everything points to it.

Is your H using his business phone to call her? Are they having the A on company time?

You need to expose to your family, his job, her parents. Does she have a facebook or Myspace. Expose to her friends.

I know it is frustrating trying to reason to the man you think is your H..he is not -- he is a wayward and reason has flown out the window.

Do not sign any papers, do not move out of your home.

Go to an attorney. Do not tell him. Get legal advice on how to protect your family.

He is on fantasy time. You need to blow that up with reality.

Stay strong and try and keep calm with you carrying that precious baby. Is it a boy or girl?

I am sorry you are here. Blessings.

Welcome to MB! So sorry you have to be here but trust me you have found the BEST place to be while going through this.

You mentioned that your WH blames you for breaking them up. What happened? How did you do this?

I'm in the legal field myself and I can tell you that if she is a recent law school graduate she is being courted by lawfirms to come and work for them. You have a great position of strength in this. All states have a state bar with a list of attorneys in it. Once she becomes licensed, which usually happens around November after they pass the bar, they will have her listed. You could reek havoc on her career, especially since she wants to be an attorney.

Definitely expose to HR at this governmental agency. I can assure you that they do not know because if they did they would immediately put a stop to it because of sexual harassment. Don't rely on anything your WH tells you about his job. Waywards lie! It's a way of life for them. It's the only way they can get by on a day to day basis. Heck, they probably even lie to each other!

Don't worry about what your WH says. Waywards also tend to rewrite history and they spew what we call around here, fog babble. They don't live in reality. Some of the stuff they say is amazing but they ALL say basically the same things. It's as if there's a manual out there for waywards. Stick around here long enough and read other people's threads and you'll see that for yourself.

Your husband will be ANGRY at your exposure but so what. Your marriage can survive his anger, it cannot survive an active affair.

Read up. Develop a plan and stick to it. MB has GREAT plans but they must be followed exactly to be effective.

Of course what you are doing is pissing him off. He doesn't want you to get on the way of him banging this hot 26-year-old. What a c**k-blocker. Now seriously, would you rather make him mad and make him end his affair for good and possibly save this marriage, or would you rather make him happy and allow him to continue to screw this girl and have your marriage die a slow and painful death? Your choice. Personally, I feel he's just using anger and your conflict avoidance to control you keeping maintaining the status quo.


And you know this because your lying, cheating husband told you so? Sorry, I'd have to do it myself, and I wouldn't just tell his bosses, I'd tell his bosses' bosses and go up the chain as well as a human resource rep.


Again, you got this info from your husband? Shame on you for continuing to fall for his lies. You should know better.


Tell him you won't do it. Make it hard on him as possible. And let him know you will take him to the cleaners. I'd save up a side account of money stashed away somewhere for a war chest in case it comes to getting lawyers.


You do. It's us. We've been through this before. Getting her removed from the project does not destroy any hope of you getting back together. Allowing her to continue to work with your husband DOES destroy all hope of recovering your marriage. You have more to lose by allowing contact to continue. Who else have you exposed to? His family and friends?


Marital revisionist history.


You'll get it here. Keep posting.

I would expose the affair to the bosses NOW. They can take steps to separate them.


That is fogbabble. If you want to make it, cjones, the affair will have to be exposed. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping their secret only enables the affair. The affair should be exposed to:

1. all parents, yours, hers, your H's
2. close friends and family
3. employer
4. the OW's facebook friends

cjone54,
I have worked for the Govt. I assure you that a well-thought letter to his company's CEO (with cc:s to company General Counsel, as well as to the agency head and the General Counsel of the Govt agency that lets the contract -- everybody cc'd so that the bosses will be afraid to let it slide) will take care of the problem of them working together, one way or another. There is no need to let either of them know you're doing this. He doesn't get to negotiate what steps you'll take to end his affair. If he's told his bosses anything about it, you can be sure he's left out details and otherwise put his own spin on it. Trust me, the contract is worth more to his company than either he or she is. (Charles de Gaulle said it best: "Graveyards are filled with indispensible men.") Oh, and you might want to mention that you expect the company to take appropriate steps forthwith, otherwise their complicity in this waste of resources will be exposed to the media. Yes, he'll be mad once he finds out you've done this. But so what? The point is to break up his affair.

You might also look into whether you're in one of the few remaining "alienation of affection" states -- probably not, but if so, that's the sort of thing that might focus the mind of a 26y.o. with lots of law-school debt...

The child he helped make, not meant to be? Jeez... as a former wayward myself, I am not best-placed to cast stones here, but I don't want a jerk like that working for my agency, or dating my daughter. You might want to make sure her parents & as many of her family members as possible know what she's up to.