Make sure that you don't break. THis is going to be a really hard few weeks, even without any contact from him. You need to keep yourself dark. That is going to be the best for you and it will also be the best for your WH. You can do this. Just let your IM take care of all of the communications. DON'T BREAK.

Hang on tight, this is going to be a roller coaster ride like no other. You can do this.

GOOD JOB!!

Now start focusing on you!

GO very DARK!

If he trys to call, DO NOT ANSWER no matter how bad you miss him.

If he texts DO NOT TEXT BACK!

Call you IM, and let her know to remind your husband that he can no longer contact you, that you nee space to heal. Do not give him a time limit.

I was ready to be back home with in 6 hours, but my husband couldn't handle it, and it took him 10 day's to finally say ok.

But remember take ALL THE TIME you need

Do something for YOU today, go get a manicure, a new summer dress, shoes, etc...

YOU DESERVE IT GIRL!

So far so good. I have kept my self busy and out of the house. We have not spoken and I have finished packing ALL of his things. I need to figure out how he will get them I am thinking of dropping them off at his parents home.


A part of me is ok and not upset about the situation in fact I feel relieved.

Another part of me is seething and disappointed in the person he is or has become. This person whom I am married to who has walked out on his family and expecting wife. I wonder if I can rebuild a life with him.

This is one of the most important events in our lives and yet he has selfishly chosen to walk away.

But this is life and each day is a new day.

I think the way you implemented your Plan B was beautiful. Really nicely done. Emotional but not love busting.

Should he try to contact you without the IM, refer him to the letter and that he respect your wishes to separate this way.

Try to ride out the waves of emotion as you withdraw from your spouses presence in your life. The emotional gamut is normal. It will eventually even out with no contact to him.

I took his personal things to his mothers home this AM as he has not moved them out. That of course got him "talking". I did not respond to his text messages AT ALL. I did not refer him to the letter I just did not respond at all.

When he went the rout of angry out burst of not answering him regarding the children I had the kids call him on the home phone. When he asked to speak to me I told my little one speak to his father and say goodbye then I ended the call.

He texted again asking for a email of a family member I did not respond.

He text again asking no demanding that I not ignore him and he would be getting out of my hair like I want and how much easier it would be if I had not spent half of his move out money. He went on to say he would not be cut off from his children and demanded I answer him.

I again had the kids call him from the home phn and when he asked to speak to me I again instructed my little one to finish talking and say goodbye then I hung the phn up without speaking to him.

To clarify on the money issue we had set aside 2k for him to move out then he said he was not leaving and I needed a car seat for the new baby and some other things which I purchased. He then took $300 of the remaining money and has used that this weekend on his "me" time. LOL

I did not respond NOR did I remind him of any of those things. I am DARK. Its harder then I thought but then not so hard. A part of me wants to lash out at him and remind him THIS is his choice to leave and not mine. BUT I don't. A part of me wants to tell him to come home but I know that will not fix these issues.

But the bigger part of me is relieved that my life is moving in a direction not stagnate and filled with uncertainty and pain.

I can do this, I am doing this.
Thanks for the support

GOOD JOB!!

You are doing great in plan B!

I would start separating your finances though, so he is not spending family money on his affair. Do not discuss with him about this, or the IM, just start pulling out money for the kids, and all your money out. Put it in a separate account. Take your name off that account.

Keep focusing on you, and don't think about your WH, or what he does.

There is no "my" finances as he is the only person working. If I take my name off the account I have no access to any funds. I am a full time student and my financial aid / loans dont come in until school begins / end of Aug. We live pay check to pay check and the 2k that we put aside was for summer school but I could not go due to my pre-term labor and then things got worse and I thought it would be a good idea to use the money to let him move.

I have to trust that he will do right by his children as he has always done when it comes to money and finances as I have also done. Over all I feel like we have remained very civil regarding money and care of our children. I choose to believe things continue that way and if not I have family...

But thanks you for the advise as I do not take any of it lightly.

I still have a joint account with my WH. He put all of his pay cheques in there until about a month ago. I was worried about getting my name on bills, etc. You don't need that to stay dark. You need to know your rights and be prepared to enforce those rights, legally if need be.

Now, it is GREAT that you haven't DIRECTLY responded to any of his texts/messages. The thing is, you still have indirectly done it. I have been called the "Queen" of a dark Plan B. There are a few holes, but they are peep holes and when I get made aware of them I try my best to plug them up. I always try to do the best. When I know better, I do better. THIS is where I am coming from right now when I give you this advice.

When your WH tries to contact you directly, you need to NOT respond in ANY way. THis means, NO telling your children to call him. He then knows that you got his message. Also, your WH isn't stupid, he KNOWS what he is and isn't supposed to do, he just doesn't WANT to do it. Don't be surprised if your WH is reluctant to use your IMs. He is used to this being "his show" and he is going to fight to gain control again. Don't give in. You CAN do this.

Keep it up my dear, you are about to experience a few more weeks of this withdrawal. It SUCKS. But you will come out on the other side, feeling much better. It IS worth it.

Ok so no more indirect responses Ok got it. I appreciate the advise and I do understand where you are coming from. I can only do better if I know better agreed.

You are right he has the letter and has told me he has read it. I have stated in the letter to call the house or or eldest sons phn to speak to the kids. I will no longer ask the kids to call him. He can call the house. He tired to say he will only contact me directly about the kids but I have again stated not to contact me unless there is an emergency but to otherwise use the IM. GO IT! Power play. You are HECKA smart lol. Thanks for the clarity.

And now we get darker.

It does suck! But I can and AM doing this. It will get easier I am sure for all of us.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE TOLD YOU HE READ THE LETTER? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU TOLD HIM TO CALL THE IMS?

Oh hun, you need to NOT do this. NO CONTACT.

When he tries to contact you, YOU IGNORE IT. It didn't happen. Have you read my thread? I wasn't too clear on that either. I was give the advise then, that's how I know what to do now. NO CONTACT NO CONTACT.

I even go so far as to NOT say a word when the kiddos are talking to WH.

Did you explain all of this to your children? How old are they? You need to explain that you are doing this because it hurts too much for you to talk to WH and that when someone does something to hurt us, we don't let them. You explain that you would LOVE for your WH to come back home to the family BUT he has to end his affair FIRST. You will NOT talk to him directly and if he has any messages to send you, he is to do so through your IM. He is NOT to use your children as messengers. YOU are NOT to use your children as messengers. BE DARK AS NIGHT. You can do this. You have been doing this.

I have not spoken to him he has been sending texts.
I meant in the letter i explained what to do and what would happen. I have NOT spoken to him or responded to him at all via text message or spoken.

When I gave him the letter originally we spoke and he told me he understood and when he said he was leaving I explained that if he made that decision that EVERYthing I said in the letter would happen... I guess he did not believe me...

His children are not here. My little one is 5 and my 15 year old is not here.

I have not explained anything to the baby yet.

Okay. I just wanted to make SURE that you were staying DARK.

Good job.

Well oh well there goes my first misstep! It was bound to happen.

The kids came home he showed up we talked to them.

Long story short we got into a verbal argument. He told me he didn't want to leave and that I thew him out He wanted to be here in our home with or family I was not letting him.

He then told me that he is not going to give in to my "tantrum" and give up his friend and a person he cares about and that I had hurt with my ugly outburst / exposure and until I realized how I had done wrong our relationship was over.

Needless to say I LOSt it! There was no cursing but I did remind him that I am his wife and we have been married 9 year and how insane his response sounded.. In some very stern words and tones. OK I was yelling.... I wanted to physically lash out i was SO angry but I did not. I am so ashamed I even spoke back.. But he is pushing my buttons. I know better now.

I demanded the garage opener back and took it he took the other one out of my car. Ugg this is HARD and I am back in the Dark.. but this is my saga and I am going to document it in all honesty.

Oh God please continue to give me strength.

Okay, you slipped. I know that you know how important it is to stay dark. You NEED to stay dark. PLEASE for yourself and those children of yours, stay DARK.

The sadness is settling in... i knew it would come. On to another day

Ok update and I need help.

He is not leaving the house. He has refused. Well let me say that he moved out for about 2 weeks could not afford to move into his own place and has "moved" back in.

What that means is his affair is in full swing. He leaving early and coming back late. He is not coming back some nights, he texted to say he was not coming home tonight. He is not willing to listen to anything I have to say.

I am at whits end. I dont know what to do.

Edited to add we talked on the phone: He came home...

pack up his things

Leave it on the door step

Change the locks

and give him your plan B letter.

You need to be FIRM in this, you can not tolerate this any longer, HE HAS TO LEAVE!!

GO DARK VERY DARK

I completely agree with this spirit - however LEGALLY she may not be able to do this. I would talk to a lawyer/ police officer and see what legally you are able to do.

He is in law enforcement. I knw I cant put him out. I can not change the locks. He has my plan B letter. I moved out today. I can NOT take it any more. We had a talk last night and in the end he is busy with being angry at me. He is not going to do anything to change his behaviors and he is not going to stop seeing her. I should stop hurting myself I think his words were. He is in a deep fog and I can NOT tolerate it.


I packed today and went to my moms house, myself and my 2. I took our belongings and I am dark. I can not do this I wont be treated like this. It hurts to much. We are in such a bad place I cry all the time. I cant sleep. This is not good he wont leave but hates to be around me. I was doing everything. I could not continue to do it with him being so disrespectful...

Well, my suggestion was going to be that if you couldn't get him out that you should go. Guess you already got that covered. Now just stay DARK. Understand that this is not over for him. He still wants to have you BOTH. THAT is why he came back. Affairland didn't look so great alone. He started seeing some reality cracks and he didn't like it much. Show him what it will be like to divorce you. You aren't going to play nice. You aren't going to roll over. You are going to do what is best for YOU and your children. If he wants to join you, he will need to do A LOT to join you on your path.

Now, I know this is going to sound NUTTY. You need to make a list of requirements for him to come home(or for you to return home). You need to have this list BEFORE WH contacts you about recovery so you don't cave too easily. You won't want a false recovery. Get a list of things together that your WH would have to agree to before you will even consider reconciliation.

Take time to breath. Understand that you will go through withdrawal of your own. Understand that this SUCKS right now but it WILL get better(wow, I HATED when people said that to me). This is going to take time and you have to live through it. You can't skip any steps.

STAY DARK.