It was a puzzle piece I absolutely needed.

I knew her hair color, eye color and that she was around a size 2/4 like me (although she lacks in the shapely figure I'm blessed with )

I triggered like crazy every single time I went out of my house and crossed paths with someone that met that description. Everytime I passed someone while shopping that met that description, I would freak out inside wondering "is that her". Then my mind was running rampant again with the affair.

I was able to locate a picture of OW online. It was hard to look at her face. She is pretty, and is a local model. I fell apart when I saw her picture. But I still think it was good for me to know what she looked like.

I worried that she might pop up at one of my children's events, or some place my husband and I were at and I wouldn't even know it. I would not allow myself to be left vulnerable like that.

I actually carried in my purse directions to her house thinking that if I couldn't find a picture online, I would eventually just park near there until I got a good look at her. It took me close to a year before I "found" her I think. Until then, I was obsessed with needing to know.

I am glad I put that piece to rest for me. Even though many would consider her beautiful, a dear MB friend that I emailed on that dreaded day I found her picture, reminded me that she could not hold a candle to my beauty because her heart was BLACK.

It may not be best for everyone to know, but it was very important to me and allowed me to put that bit to rest.

Thanks for that Maritalbliss ...

I feel like all of you! I am going to keep looking on FB, if it is hers, I'm hoping she will eventually put up a picture. I feel like walking into her work (she is a nurse in a nursing home) but I have no reason to be there. It would be easier if she worked in retail, I suppose! Like you, SMB I just can't rest until I see a picture. She has been arrested, so I tried to find a mugshot photo online (can't). I've google her so many times,I feel I must be crazy. I read Joseph's letter, and it is VERY powerful, made me cry. I could never find the words to explain to my WH why I need to know this and this and that. Those words in that letter spoke volumes, my WH will read it tonite!

I wonder what Dr. Harley's view on this is. On one hand, NC means NC for both of you for life. However, you are entitled to every bit of information on the A in order for you to properly deal with it and get closure. I know I would want to know because the devil you know is sometimes better than the one you don't.

Also, if your H doesn't know, you should probably let him know that this bothers you.

Thanks IS! This OW is definately the devil!! I do feel like waiting outside her apartment complex just to get a glimpse, I know that is unreasonable. I finally asked WH about her car cause she knows where we live, if I ever see her driving by my house I think I would die! It's weird, in a way I agree with what everyone has said so far. I do believe now that I need this 'piece'of the puzzle. Unless my obsession goes away I will still be diligently looking for a pic of this OW. A description from my WH just wont cut it at this time, anyone have any suggestions on how to see her?

Late chiming in...but...
My sitch is a bit different since I am dealing with an OC and ONS rather than full blown affair. But after OC was born, I went to the NICU (against H's wishes) and waited outside the door until someone matching OW's description (that H told me) appeared. I only had to wait about 10 mins.

I walked straight up to her, said "are you (OW name)?" She said yes. I said, "I am H's wife and want to see OC." She was shocked, speechless, but took me to see OC.

It's a BIG LONG story I won't get into, but after seeing/holding OC, I took OW to lunch. I was not there to cause trouble, but I wanted to hear from the horses mouth what her intentions were and if she had feelings for my H.

Luckily, she admitted the same as him that it was a stupid, drunken ONS. And to date, she is leaving us alone, not going after CS, etc. and we are FULL NC.

On a side note, OW is short, cute, blonde, about 8 years mine and H's junior (GAG), but she has a CrAzY, LaZy eye. You never know what she is looking at. BARF! He must have been really drunk!

So sorry to hear your story, Mig. That has got to be gut-wrenching to deal with. The Crazy, lazy eye is funny, though! I am determined to see OW, either a picture or in person (without her knowing of course). I don't know if it will be good or bad, but I'm not gonna worry about that right now!! You hang in there, Mig.

Hi everyone! It has been about 3 wks. since I last posted on this subject, and still I need to know what OW looks like! I am thinking about hiring a P.I. to get a picture, because at this point that is all I can come up with! Is that nuts? Should I try and let this pass? Like in 'Joseph's Letter' I feel this is MY puzzle piece! I know hiring a P.I. is extreme, but I know her name, DOB, address, where she works, the kind of car she drives, I could even give a bit of a description of her! This would be a pretty easy job for a P.I., maybe he'll give me a discount!!! Ha, ha! Anyway, I just wanted to get some input! Thank you all!

I think that, if it helps you to heal and you feel it will be productive toward that end, you should do it. Understand, though, that it wasn't about the "looks" of a person. Be prepared to see what she looks like and either recoil in horror (OMG!She's a dog! How could he want that over me???") or be demoralized ("OMG! She's gorgeous! How can I ever live up to that???")

Just remember: it wasn't necessarily about her looks.

My PI was 55 dollars an hour I think. Id say they could get the job done for 200 or so. Probably want that much to make it worth their time. You can probably get a bargain PI for this though since there is no risk for them

Just remember though you cant unlearn what you find out.

Thank you MB and YEG for your responses. I know every BS is different and each situation is different, but this is something I feel I need to know. WS's A was 2 yrs! I feel I need to see the POSOW that almost ruined our marriage. This is so difficult, only about 7 wks. past D-day, and it is such a rollercoaster. One day I seem o.k. the next I'm crying over everything! I take comfort in the fact that I am not the only person going thru this, and many (too many)people know exactly how I feel. It truly breaks my heart to read everyone's story. So sad that people who swore to love and take care of you can hurt you so bad. Not a good day for me.

Why don't you just go introduce yourself? Tell her your middle name is HELL.

Take your camera, take a picture and tell her you needed a picture of your husbands adultery partner so other folks can guard their marriages against her.

We can go together, I'll drive!

Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, HA!!!!! Mel, you are awesome! Can you come visit me for a few days??!!? I have some undercover work for us to do! Thanks for making me laugh today! Gosh, how I would love to do that! Wouldn't that be breaking the NC rule?!? LOL! Mel, I always love to read what you have to say. You are so smart and funny! I wish I was as brave as you!

Nope, the nc rule only applies to the adulterers! Seriously, I would march my [censored] right up and introduce myself.

Interesting......we'll see!!

ABSOLUTELY!

I never get it when people here lament "No Contact applies to both the WS and the BS"...Why the BS? That has never made sense to me AT ALL!

Luckily, Dr. Harley recently addressed that very thing on the private forum...Here is what he said:


So there ya go!

Sunshine, I agree with Mel - Why wouldn't you just go up and introduce yourself? YOU have NOTHING to be ashamed of - Make her face her victim - I believe you will see firsthand just how ugly she is under that particular circumstance - I'm thinkin' SHEEPISH - Matter of fact, when you are finished with her, be sure to tell her BAAAAAAHHHHHHHH - BAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Mrs. W

I know a POSOM that is good looking and sucessful. You know what though the BS in his situation will always be better than him. The OM has an ulgy soul and no conscience. I say find out what she looks like. No matter she looks like you will always be better than her because you have morals and a conscience.

Y'all just put a whole new perspective on everything for me! Thank you so much for your input! It will be hard for me, I'm very low key, kinda shy, don't like to cause drama etc. But, when it gets down to it I can be a real b**ch if I NEED to. Maybe when I meet her I'll just be sweet as pie! LOL!

Update!!! Finally saw pic of POSOW on FB! I knew she would put one up eventually!! HAHAHAHA!!! I'm laughing cause she ain't pretty!!! WTH was my WH thinking?? Yuck! I'm assuming she thinks it's a good picture of her, cause you wouldn't use an ugly photo for you FB picture!! BWAAAAHHH!! Sorry everyone, I just had to vent!!!