what to do.

Hi I am brand new to the forums but have been aware of the concepts here for awhile - just could never get WH on board til now.

I am the BW he is WH- we are 28 and have been married for five years and together for 7. We have one child, a ten month old boy.

After DS was born I suffered with Post Partum Depression. I am originally from the UK and WS is American and we live in the US. At the time of my depression my WH decided he could not cope with me and his jon and the baby and that I should go back to England with DS to stay with my Mum and seek treatment which I did in February 2010.

We stayed in touch the whole time I was gone WS was very distant, cold and mean. Depsite that I did get better and after months of begging to come home Wh finally decided I was better as well and I came back to the US in June 2010.

Three days after I got off the plane WS admitted to me that he had an affair with a woman who also had an infant who has the same name as our son! They stayed over our house three days a week, went out for dinner and he even introduced her to a few of our friends.

At the time he was unapologetic and blamed me for everything. He told me he wanted a divirce and within a week me and DS had moved out of the house and in with a friend.

Since then I filed for divorce and have temporary orders of custody and support. Its since the last hearing that his tune has changed.

He has now dumped the OW and wants to get back together. He says my filing for divorce and the reality of the situation has hit him like a brick. He is promising me the earth right now. Hes agreed to individual and couples therapy, to have his cell phone and email accounts monitored by me and a host of ther things like paying for me to return to school that are designed to make my life happier than they were.

My question is how should I proceed at this point. Am I an idiot for even considering this? What should I look to get out of marriage counselling? Can you really forgive and move on? I am still deeply wounded by what DH has done to me and our son, but I think I am willing to give it another shot. What should I expect of WH if I do go back? How can I keep him honest without turning into a bitter and twisted BS?

I have so many questions and I do not want to go back to my WH with out a definite game plan in place.

There is a lot more to my story but I think thats enough to be getting on with. thanks in advance.

Welcome to MB...

Things are slow here on the weekend but it will fire up in the morning.

How should you proceed???

SLOWLY and METHODICALLY.

Lots of soon to be ex-husbands freak out when they realize just how much court ordered child support payments are going to crimp their style. Such reconciliation (and control of all his money) may seem like a better idea. Especially if he can keep fooling around on the side. I hope for your sake he's sincere but right now you've got to protect your broken heart from this guy as your son is depending exclusively on you and your mental stability right now.

You need a PLAN as what he says is unimportant and untrustworthy. (You'd be a fool to trust his words). With a well conceived plan of action that you can give him...he'll be required to take ACTIONS...actions you can observe and begin to build trust again. Actions lead to feelings.

Blind trust is not a plan. Dropping your petition and/or having him move back in anytime soon is completely off the table.

I put a shout out to a couple that posts here wherein the wife and FWH created such a plan towards reconciliation. Hopefully they will be around this week to share it. I don't think posting on MB was a part of their plan but I always recommend making it a part of it. We've got great BS detectors here and if he's required to post at least 50 or 100 posts we'll likely be able to make a pretty fair assessment of his sincerity and your safety at even considering taking him back.

It's a long shot...but doable. Just don't jump in to fast or you'll be back in this boat one -three years from now when he runs off with OW#2. One recovery...ONE SHOT, you give him the plan that we assist you making here and see if he's still so eager and enthusiastic.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks for the advice thus far.

Yes I definitely want a plan of action... somthing in writing... something to follow. Up til now he has held all the cards but now things are basically going my way in court I think he sees the reality of the situation.

In his defense he does seem genuinely sincere. He has been calling my friends to apologize about his behavior and how they were dragged into this. He wants to call my Mum today to apologize to her. He is taking the heat left right and center at the moment and hes not defending his shoddy begavior anymore, juts apologizing for it and promising to put it right.

I would very much appreciate any input into what this plan should look like and the kinds of things I should be expecting to see from him in terms of actions. I would also like to hear from other BS's as to how they forgave and moved on. I am still very much in the angry stage right now - I feel like the last year of my life hs been a complete sham and the lies and betrayal honestly hurt more than the fact he was with another woman.

The very first thing I would do would be to sit quietly and think about what I need. Look inside yourself, I am certain you have had lot's of time to soul search since it seems to go along with the grief. Write out what your absolute boundaries are, what you will divorce over. Then I would write down what I expect. Your EN's would be a big part of that. I would give him a copy and let him think it over. It may be that he will not do that, in that case you don't want him because you will be right back where you are now. If he says he will do them ask him to write out a plan of action, how he will fulfill this promise.

Go check out the Extraodinary Precautions thread and ask him to write one out. Post it here when he is done so we can help you refine them to protect yourself. I will look and post the link to that thread and bump it up.

Has he been exposed to everyone who can help you? Ask them all to be aware of what you are doing and to help you keep this positive momentum.

Get him to read the books, get him into the program. You might want to consider making one of your conditions having him post here and you might not. It is very helpful, I required it and it was wonderful in helping us. Some need more privacy.

I am not a vet here but those are the first things that come to my mind. You must let him know exactly what you expect and he must let you know how he will do that. He has to have a plan to protect your marriage.

EP link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2403193&page=1

I bumped it up so it should be on the front page for you for a while.

I thought I should add from my own experience.

Go slowly and deliberately. Be thoughtful about it all. It is hard when you want everything just to fall into place. It won't. One thing most people learn here is that marriage is work. You must work at it. It is good work, it feels so much better when what you do does work.

Just don't get all caught up and try to do it all too fast. It is overwhelming enough all by itself.

I would recommend calling the Counseling Center at Marriage Builders and setting up some appointments for both of you ASAP.

The link is at the top of the header on this web site.

They can walk you through the process of recovery from infidelity in a way that no one else can.

Are you willing to do this?

Thanks for the link to the Extraordinary Precautions - it has given me a much better idea of the things I should expect of him should I want to reconcile. I will definitely be writing something out that closely follows the ideas there.

At the time he told me about the affair I exposed to everyone including his Mum, her STBX and his work colleagues and friends outside of work. Everyone knows. I think that is helping as pretty much everyone he knows has told him what a jerk he is for doing this to me. I am well liked by his "people" so most have rallied round to support me. No one likes the OW or condones his behavior which I think has helped lead to this alleged turn around.

And you are right in that I need to look at what I need as far as him meeting my EN's. Being a new mother its been awhile since I thought about what I want, but I suppose that is more important than ever right now. I have been in therapy this whole time and I know I am not to blame for his actions and that I am more than worthy of the love and respect he could or would not give me.

Am I willing to do this? My heart says yes but my head still needs way more action from him than I have seen thus far in order to be in board totally with a reconcilliation.

Please keep your ideas coming they are helping tremendously.

He would need to write a letter of No Contact to the OW, allow you to read it, and mail it (or send it if email). You need to have a promise from him that he and the OW are never to be in any type of contact again for the rest of his life. Also, that if any type of contact occurred, that he would inform you immediately.

The two of you need to talk about the state of your marriage immediately prior to his affair. Chances are that there were some things that needed to improve, and that changes in how the two of you interact need to be made.

Look at the Emotional Needs questionnaire and the two of you should become familiar with the terms and concepts. Then, each of you should take the ENQ, and exchange the results and talk about how you can go about meeting one another's ENs. By doing this for one another, you can begin to deposit to one another's love banks, and start working on the marriage relationship again.


You ask if this is possible - the answer is that it is.

The real question is, "How much work is this?"


It is hard work. It can take a couple of years before you will begin to feel that your marriage is looking more "normal" again, and before you can say your heart is on the mend. That is if your WH is working, and you are working as well to mend things, and if you both are on board with the MB program and concepts.

It takes work. But so does ANY marriage. They don't just happen, they are the result of two people working to make the relationship HAPPEN, and using the MB concepts, you CAN have a great marriage. Even after an affair.


It isn't too late.


SB

Ok have a quick question

So I am working on my list of Extraordinary Precautions and so far everything I have brought up with WH has been OK'd. The big ones so far are

Absolutley no contact ever again with OW - if OW should contact him via phone or in person (this will be harder once we move) then WH is to notify my immediately

no more trips away from home alone - he will have to put me and the Little Man up in a hotel at the location of the work event

Password access to his online accounts, financial accounts and phone account

Change of phone number immediately

Access to his phone whenever I ask

No question phone swap whenever I ask

This is what I have so far. My question concerns the no contact rule. They will have one more contact this week as she is coming to our house to collect the last of the stuff that WH had stored there for her after the STBX H threw her stuff out of his house. After this there will be zero contact. My question is should I be at the house while this is happening? I have never met or talked to her thus far... as I mentioned previously I left as soon as I discovered they were still in contact.

If I am there how sould I behave? I am thinking Icouldpretty much stay upstairs - I would be there merely to witness that nothing untoward is happening. I would also like it if my WH could just leave her stuff in the garage and locked the door to the rest of the house so she could not get in and would just be able to get her stuff and go.

I have no idea how to handle this situation really. Obviously I do not want there to be an opportunity for them to be alone together. By all accounts she is manipulative B and my WH may well still be a little foggy.

Help!!

Threads get lost quickly - bumping this for help as I need it soon

I say, leave the garage door open and let her get her stuff all by her big-girl self. If anyone has to "be there" let it be YOU, or a friend/neighbor you delegate. There is no need for your H to have to interface with her at all.

Others may have a better plan, but you said you were desperate, and I happened to see your post at this late hour...

NO!! There is NO reason why there should be contact if she is ONLY picking up her stuff!!

Have WH pack it all, and leave it on the CURB give her a time and day to pick it up, if she doesn't then the garbage man will.

YOU or YOUR WH should not be there to make sure she picks it up!

There should be NO CONTACT FOR ANY REASON!!

Thanks guys - you read my mind and I am glad I followed my intuition on this.

I brought up my concerns with WH earlier and he completely agrees. So hes going to get a friend of ours to take her stuff TO HER tomorrow so there is no more reasons for her to come by the house. He will be changing his phone number at the weekend.

Then the exorcising of the house will begin. I plan to sell pretty much everything we own and replace it at this point, right down to my cutlery.

We have our first marriage counselling appointment next Tuesday that HE arranged all by himself which has really impressed me - he had no interest in anything like this before. I am happy he is taking this seriously but I am still scared to death about how this will all play out.

Bleh.

Hanaki -

Hi - I just read your thread when I noticed the new one you posted. You really should keep just one thread and not start new ones with your story. It is much easier on those of us trying to help you if we just have one place to go and read.

I am going to copy and paste your question here and then give you my opinion. Please go to your new thread about friends and family. Hit "Notify" and ask the moderators to delete it and/or combine it with this thread.

My apologies I have notified the mods and will keep my questions here

Question from Hanaki on another thread:


First of all - I am very sorry you are here, but it sounds to me like you are in a place that many of us BS wish we were given the chance to be. Coming to MB was the smartest thing you could have done and we will all help you. You have been given great advice from Mr. Wondering and the other posters.

So far, your WH sounds genuine to me. I would, however, highly recommend that you counsel with one of the Harleys. They can sniff out a fake fairly easily. I have personally counseled with both Steve and Jennifer. It is well worth the money, so if you can afford it, please do it. While there are many, many MC out there, most of them stink at fixing marriages - especially those experiencing infidelity. If you cannot use the Harleys, at the very least, give your local MC Dr Harley's books. Ask them to read them and tell them that you want to follow a plan that works like Dr. Harley's. Another option is to use the online program that the Harley's offer. It has been used by other board members and it works.

As far as friends and family not supporting your decision to reconcile: Anyone who is your true friend and supports your marriage will understand that this is YOUR choice, not theirs. This is YOUR life, not theirs. No one can make this decision but you. Marriage vows involve "for better or worse." As you already know, your situation is pretty much the worst you can go through. If your heart wants you to try, and your head guides you to make sure that you protect yourself, go for it. Just be careful and wary.

No need to apologize - we are all friends here to support each other.

Ty Wonder Woman

Yes so far he seems on the up and up - he has agreed to all my EP's and booked a MC appt for us. I am happy he seems to be on board finally, just wish I hadn't had to go through the drama of divorce court to get here. On the up side he knows I am not scared to stand up for myself and I will leave his sorry behind if he does this again. I think when he came clean he assumed I would stay with him despite the fact he was still in touch with her on a daily basis - well I certainly pooped in his cheerios.

Still I am a believer that everyone deserves a second chance and if he is willing to put the work in and follow through on his promises with action I am willing to give it a shot.

As far as the friend thing goes I guess once again its down to me being assertive which is something I have always had problems with. She is very dominant (bossy) in personality whereas I tend to be a people pleaser (push over - can you tell lol??) Its something I have been working on in therapy very hard and I guess that this will be a real test of it.

I have also been thinking about moving back in to the marital abode and how that will play out. More thinking to do I guess...

Oh and I will definitely look into getting counselling with one of the Harleys or at the very least doing the online program. I gave WH a few links to this website the other night and he would like to do some of the questionnaires etc so I think he would be open to trying it.

Thanks again

I have to admit that I am somewhat jealous - I wish I had the opportunity that you have. I will pray that this is truly what it appears to be. If so, your road to recovery will certainly not be easy, but it will be worth it when you are done!

My WH had an emotional affair when my children were babies. If I had stuck to my guns like you have, I may have been able to recover back then. Instead I gave in to how he wanted to recover, which of course, didn't work. So, now I find myself with a full blown physical affair and a WH who has been wayward for many, many years now.

I will continue to follow your thread. Good luck and stand up for yourself (both with WH and friends). If you don't, no one else will.