I didn't want to derail anyone else's thread with this question, but it has run through my mind before.

After our D-Day, DH wanted to know what I felt, what I did, etc. etc. I told him. He asked, for example, if SF was good with OM. I told him yes...but I didn't go on and on about all the intricacies of how this and that I felt. I answered his questions, but I didn't beat him over the head with how long O's lasted, blah blah blah.

He asked me if I loved OM. I told him that at the time I truly thought I did, but that I realized how shallow and baseless it all was. He wanted to know if I felt nothing for him during that time. I told him how angry and hard hearted I was and that I did not feel love at that point....but that I also realized just how resentment-oriented that was as well.

So here is what I am wondering. There were times during our recovery when I felt....numb. It wasn't anything He did. It wasn't anything about the OM being God's gift to the universe. It was the price of my horrific choice.

So here is what I am wondering. I hear a lot about complete honesty...but does that mean I was supposed to go to great lengths not only to let DG know I wasn't "in love" with him but all the things that I thought were being "in love" with OM? Should I have dragged him through the mud of my disgusting thinking in the name of honesty. When there were those times that I cared for him but didn't feel elation all over, was I supposed to make sure he knew how I DIDN'T feel? I am asking because it seems to me making sure of all this all the time would have just hurt him worse.

If a friend tries on a dress that makes her look big, I can say, "That isn't very flattering" or I can say, "You look like a big tent, fatty....Can I describe every part of your body that looks huge in that?" I'm not gonna say the second...ever.

We are four years out, and all that has passed, but I just wonder, does telling a BS exactly how big a guy's package was or how he made you scream like a banshee and made you feel things you never felt with the BS (not that this happened, just an example) really THAT beneficial? Is telling the BS years down the road, "I have warm feelings for you but it will never compare to OP....just want to make sure you know" necessary? How is that anything but downright cruel and damaging? My DH and I are having some challenges right now that don't even begin to compare to infidelity, and if he felt the need to detail exactly how NOT in love with me he was, I wouldn't consider it "radically honest." I'd consider it hateful. I don't want him to lie, but he doesn't need to go overboard.

Am I just a deluded sap? I just can't figure out how ripping someone's security in the name of making sure they know "the ugly truth" is helpful. I'm not talking about hiding or lying, I'm talking about HOW it's said.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for asking this question that I have been dying to ask.

I am quite anxious about handling things honestly but with compassion. It feels like a game of inches -- too much honesty, and compassion is lost, too much compassion, and honesty is lost.

For me personally...I dont the the little details, like how big the guys package was, would be benenficial at all....I know that if my wh told me this stuff if we were in recovery, I would hurt much worse, but maybe I wouldnt ask either...It would haunt me and make me feel inferior forever...I would always feel I could never live up to that, esp if it is something like that that is not controllable, ya know?

I think like you said....saying "that looks unflattering" is much better than "you look like a tent" JMHO...

lurioosi, you asked a lot of questions here so I am not sure what you are asking exactly.

But yes, your husband should know how you feel about him. This is information that he has a right to know. If you don't feel in love with him, you should say this. How else can that problem be overcome if you are not radically honest about it?

A complaint is an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage and an irritation in a bad marriage.

The affair and the OM should not be brought up NOW. That is irrelevant to the present and it should be dropped completely UNLESS you are obsessing with the OM. Your H needs to know if that is the case.

The level of detail about an affair is determined by the betrayed spouse, not the WS. Some BS need much detail; others need little. And yes, the details will hurt, but not as much as withholding the truth. If you withhold anything that the BS wants to know, that means you and the OP have a secret to which the BS is not privy. That causes much more harm than knowing sexual details about your sex life with \ the OM.

And yes, the truth should be delivered kindly and respectfully. Dr Harley says he will answer "that outfit is not very flattering" when she says "do I look fat in this."

But don't you think that if the question is asked it deserves an answer? I am of the opinion that I am the only one that can determine what information I need to know and as such, if I am asking it, then I need to know; I think there is more damage being done if I ask and I don't get an answer.

you are right, teaser? Thats why I said that I think I wouldnt even ask those details...but if hes asking, there is a way to say it tactfully and truthfully.

Exactly. The WS is the LAST person qualified to determine what is or is not in the best interest of the BS. Only the BS can decide what level of detail he needs.

This is something my H has pulled on me so I am talking from experience and to make matters worse, our counsellor agreed with him, that she can't see how the answer to my question could be of any help-needless to say I was not a happy camper! H says the answer would hurt me, I say, if it does, well I asked for it so I can't be heard to complain.

Furthermore, the reason for the question may not be obvious to you, or lets just say that the WS interpretation of the question may be totally wrong so again I say, only the BS gets to determine what info is needed.

Here is what Dr Harley says in Requirements for Recovery:

here

Okay, I was being vague. DH and I are not having A or OM problems, and I love him. I guess it's more an MB policy question. I have just read lately on a few threads how a WS feels they need to go to great lengths to remind a BS that what they feel is not being in love. Or the WS has gone into such great detail about how much better the OP was or seemed than the BS that there will never be comparison. It makes me hurt.

If DH had sat me down and said, "I want you to detail for me every feeling you ever had for OM and draw a diagram of all the positions you used" I would have done it. He called the shots. But when he asked if I loved him and I did love him (and do) my answer was yes. Even if rockets weren't bursting through the air at that precise moment. And I didn't say "Yes I love you BUT."

I tend to be a person who wants to focus on the positive. Part of it is that elementary teacher thing. So if I can be positive and gentle and still be truthful I do that.

I guess when I hear BS's say "WS told me I could never make them feel like OP did and that they care about me but don't see bombs bursting in air" my question is....is that necessary? When it seems so crushing?

Yea ML I had already red that and also passed it along to my H.

Ok, but that would be an absurd statement because the WS most certainly CAN see bombs bursting in the air with the BS if the marriage is recovered using MB concepts. No doubt a WS feels that way at the time he says it, but feelings CAN CHANGE.

Lurioosi, the BS knows and understands that the WS is high on the addiction of the affair and that is influencing his feelings. That is not a surprise.

Teaser 8, our MC told my WH to answer all of the questions that I felt I needed an answer to. She proceeded to say " You have already hurt your BS more than you possibly could ever imagine, so answering some questions for her will NOT hurt her anymore than you already have!" Needless to say I was pleasantly surprised and happy to hear this from our MC.

OK, sometimes for some reason (okay a lot) I just read what BS's have to hear and go through, and though I will never ever know what it is like because I was the WS....It just breaks my heart. I can still remember the look on DH's face and that horrible hunched over defeated way he sat on the edge of the couch and wept...ugh.

If the person feeling all entitled and justified and hard and selfish who is about to hop in bed or online with someone else could just fast forward and see a glimpse of what their BS will go through.....

Adultery sucks

The pain is unbearable...I know for a fact that I will never be the same, and not in a good way either...Luri, you are doing the right thing, you went back to your BH and are working very hard to do the right thing....I so admire you for that. I wish my WH had given me that chance.

I agree. And I know it is heartbreaking. It is the most horrible thing in the world. But the way to make it up is to recover the marriage and come out with a better marriage than before.

The shell shocked, bewildered, utterly lost look on his face will haunt me until the day I die.

How could I? How could I have been the cause of that? How?

You Know something? every day when I am experiencing my heartache I wish there was a pill that I could take to make it go away, like when you have a headache, unfortunately I am have to deal with every second worth of pain till I get to wherever I will get to, and not even the ADs are keeping the pain away. The question remains for me, how was it that I was able to turn away from all the advances made toward me on the ground that I am a married woman, but he did not do the same? Our MC says, men are wired differently but that does not answer my question because from reading this site I see that women cheat too.

Yup, I had advances toward me also and I was in the same marriage as WH...but I was concentrating on taking care of DS, while WH was concentrating on taking care of WH. Oh well, such is life, I guess.