Thanx guys.

I don't often feel like I deserve the praise.

I often think about Bampot. I think about him multiple times a day. I used to want to call him. There are times I even seriously think about it. Like when I was reading the DiD thread. I thought, "If Bampot thought that I needed him, would he come and rescue me?" Then I make that thought go away because it would do me no good.

I think a lot of my "strength" has come about because of where I was before I found MB. I had been dealing with this in some way or another for 2 years. I felt lost, hopeless and completely depressed. I had googled things before. MANY TIMES BEFORE and I found NOTHING of any use. I read about the 180, I even read about how it is better to play hard to get and make him chase me. I didn't want to play those games. My vision of the future following those plans were that I would have to play those games forever. I also would never be able to live with myself. I would feel like a liar, and that would not sit well with me. Besides, they didn't offer any way to move forward and recover so it would never happen again. I don't think I could live through it again(or Bampot for that matter ).

That fateful day, when I googled, "How to survive your souses affair," MB was the number 1 site. I clicked on it, started reading and was amazed. I felt like something had clicked and the light shone down on me. I felt safe and warm. I KNEW that THIS was the BEST way to try. I was a little resistant at first, I had been drinking from the koolaid for sooooooo long. But the MBers helped me out.

See, while I was typing this, my BIL called. He is married to Bampot's sister. She has been having an affair for 5 years, lives with her AP and has 2 OC. BIL talks to SIL because they share a DD. Anyways, he called to ask me about camping next weekend. Then, he says, "SIL is mad because we are going camping when OCS1's Bday party is that weekend. SIL says that Bampot is going away that weekend, cuz you have the kids camping." I actually started to cry. He said, "I know you don't want to know where he is going." I said, "Actually, it would have been nice to know NOTHING. I can't believe he is going away with HER when he never liked to go away with me." BIL says, "Apparently, he is going with some friends because she is working." I felt a little better, but I don't totally buy it.

Oh well, THESE are the times when I feel SOOOOOOOO weak. The only solace I have is knowing that I am getting better and that I CAN make it one day. I know it isn't a sprint. I KNOW it takes time. Just hate when I get thrown for a loop. ARGH.

Bampot wasn't able to talk to the kids yesterday, since I was out and had the cell phone with me. Today, he talked to DS10 for 2 mintues. Well, I guess good old Bampot has come back. I told my sister that THESE reasons are the best reasons not to talk to Bampot, I MOST DEFINITELY would have called him to say, "WTF? 2 MINUTES in 2 DAYS?"

MB is wonderful.

I agree, could take her or leave her...

That's it. beat me when I am down(TEHEHEHEHE).

You ain't so bad yourself SILLY.

Hang in there, hun....

{{{{{{{Scotty}}}}}}}}}

At moments, hanging in there is all I seem to be doing. It's okay though. Just like my workouts have helped me physically recover when I exercise, Plan B is helping me emotionally recover when I am hit with the big ol' "Wayturds suck azz" stick.

I had a hard day at work yesterday, where I was brought into my manager's office to talk about some work issues, I need to improve my way of talking to supervisors, apparently I seem to come across as disrespectful, and it is NOT my intention at all. Then, I have this hard day. It seems to be like this.

It is funny too. I am reading the thread by Universe and I am seeing A LOT of myself in that. I am learning a lot about who I was and who I don't want to be.

This growing up gig isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Improving everyday.

Hope you guys don't mind that I use this as a sort of blog. It is very helpful.

I remember scotty doin a google search with the same kind of emptiness and despair, When I found MB, and saw they taught how to have the marraige I almost had, and the only kind I would want. I knew this was the place to heal.


That 180 thing, from what you describe I have turned this over and over in my head over the years. Sometimes I wonder if I left W whenever she messed up and caused constant drama for the kids, and fed into Ws drama also maybe she would have not passed away. But it would have meant so much tragic and confusing damage for my children,and it wasn't how I was made, I am not "The end justifies the means" Machevelli type. But as you know, no matter how right you act, you sometimes suffer the pain for it when your dealing with foggy people. In the end I had to stand for what was right, even as the kids got older an it escalated to the point of where it wouldn't really screw them up. They needed an example, like your kids, of how to not be crazy and how to be strong in your convictions.

W would have felt at home with all the drama, played it out to the bitter end, and it would be dishonest if I played her game she was living in her confused and troubled mind. It would have destroyed her just the same way. I know that now.

I know its not the same sitch with you, but you are being strong in your determination to live with guts.

Hang tough girlie, "SCOTTY ROCKS'

Sent a message through IMs yesterday about the boxing training and the costs associated. Also, a couple of things in regards to the visitation schedule. Received a response back asking some questions and not agreeing to one exception for the visitation. I sent a message saying that the visit on Halloween would be missed. Bampot sent back that he would still pick up the children on Halloween, but that it would be from 9am-4pm so they would still have time to go out after. I agreed to that condition. Now, I will have MORE time to get dressed in my own costume. Hmmmm, what will I be? HEHEHEHEHE. I answered his questions about the boxing as they seemed okay enough.

I am taking the kiddos camping this weekend from Thursday night until Monday morning. It should be a lot of fun. The kids are really looking forward to it. I am glad that my BIL is coming because I don't know how to put up the tent.

Took the boys to see Vampires Suck today. It was pretty funny. The kids really enjoyed it. It's just like any other spoof movie.

Still missing Bampot every day but it gets less painful. I am still cringing when people call him, "Your EX." I don't correct them any more though. Had another dream about him. In this one, we were about to have SF and I told him that I would only do it if he agreed to MB coaching and he said, "I thought you understood what this was. It's just SF. I am NOT ready for the other stuff yet." I woke up a little upset, but I would have to agree with my brain. He isn't ready to give up what he has now, and I don't know that he will ever be. Just living life and trying to get better at it. It is funny how things seem to slide into place sometimes.

Still praying for those angels and soldiers to pass on those messages. Take care everyone.

Oh Scotty, have fun camping!! I am praying too but remember that Bampot has to be OPEN to the message from the messenger. Pray for a soft heart for God. That was my biggest prayer for my H and you know what brought him out of the A? Yes, God did.

Funny thing about that......once we start doing that "growing up" thing, we tend to realize it's what we SHOULD have been doing all along.....

Don't fret about not always feeling strong.....just KNOW that you are..........

Not

I am SO stealing this.......




Not

Thanx FF and Not.

Not only do I pray for angels and soldiers to fight against the affair, I also pray that Bampot and WF feel the full consequences of their actions. That they can see the way out of their current sitch and back into the light. I pray for protection to surround the boys, Bampot and I. I also give thanx for the strength that I have shown so far and ask for continued strength.

I do this when I wake up and before I fall asleep.

I am still seeing the change in Bampot in regards to the DSx2. He purchased the items I asked him to, and even added a few extra things. He makes sure he calls them every day, emails them when he is unable to. I am happy about it. I don't know what things are talked about, I don't make it my point to ask. I am staying out of their relationship as much as possible. It's not up to me anymore.

Just trying to keep strong.

You still rock an awesome plan B Scotty; I hope your angels and soldiers are able to get through.

It is amazing the arguments we have with our own subconcious>sp?

I know, it is crazy. It always amazes me how I am so certain in my dreams about the things I want in my waking life. While Bampot was with me, I would have a dream where I was kissing someone else. I would stop and say, "I can't. I am married." then I would wake up. Now, I only have SF with Bampot still but I get mad at myself for breaking Plan B. I wake up and laugh at myself. Can't even let go in a dream.

The "other stuff", well thats foggy isn't it? Three pats on the back to Scottys dream police. What other stuff is more important? Without the "other stuff" sex is empty, meaningless, selfish, tense, worrisome, guilt-filled....oh wait.. we were talking about people there right?

Let me go back and tell it from waywards views. "grunt grunt, you think of me as perfect but don't know me at all and I like it that way, lets stay blind, its so much more fun isn't it? Sure is easier than reality or humility. When I was married things didn't all go my way and I had nobody to blame but myself. Now that i have run away, I can blame my BS and you can join in. "

Such is the wisdom of a dark plan B. They can't blame you anymore, or the things they blame you for become worn out and they are even revealed as petty examined long enough. As your dream points out, he is not ready to handle that other "stuff". That stuff he should have handeled for his own good instead of running away from it, that stuff he will have to handle before he grows up. Sorry Scotty he may be a better man than most in other things, but God wants him to be more of a man in his accountability to you, which represents his ability to have a "real" relationship. With God also, probably first, but if he hurts you, he hurts God, and himself in the process.

Let him live in fairy-tale land. God has no intention of forcing him home. He wants him to see what he has done, that he has made a mistake, sex has very little to do with that. Sex should build us up in what we have that are more important. intimacy, trust, joint vision, integrity and honor for the most important things that we can have for one another. How long will people put the cart before the horse and expect sex to fix thier broken empty hearts, or use it as a drug in denial and call it a relationship? God knows the difference as so don't you and I and many.

Plan B can remove that blindspot along with all the other ones that waywards use to justify thier running away. We let them stew in thier lies they beleive and pray God will be let in to reveal the way. God doesn't force us to straighten out, the consequences of our actions bring us to the light, if we are humble enough to see that we are wrong, and man, (=humble) enough to admit it. But God is gentle and loving, not a taskmaster forcing us with trickery and deciet. He tells us like it is and lets us reap what we sow.

Isaiah 66:4
So will I choose their delusions, And bring their fears on them; Because, when I called, no one answered, When I spoke they did not hear; But they did evil before My eyes, And chose that in which I do not delight.�


He doesn't like it when his children abuse each other and the humble and teachable who come to Him for guidance he will comfort when they stand before him and ask for it. How and why does he choose thier delusions? He is the author and finisher of our faith, and everything that it encompasses. Do we really doubt that he will give us the freedom of choice or the ability to see we have brought about our own heartaches through OUR decisions? When we mix that freedom with lies and hurting others and expect it be blessed spiritually we are only fooling ourselves, God does not approve.

I like your prayers, they are right on. I hope the angels of Gods army get in and do some work on Bampot so he can have a chance to be the man we all know he can be for you and the children. What a magnificent example of humility and love it would be for them. God will bless that, untill that happens you are in the best place you could be. Away from the pain and preserving the good things you saw before he went wayward, along with learning about how precious you are and how to further protect yourself and your kiddos.

Remember, Scotty Rocks

Thanx CP.

You actually brought tears to my eyes. I will need to read it again.

NP Scot, I am afraid to ask, hows it going with the rest of the family foggy in "affairland"?

Got those pics loaded. Here is my great gorge adventure. This is the Whirlpool. The Niagara River actually makes a turn after the first set of rapids. There is a Whirlpool with a Spanish Aerocar that is suspended above it(also happens to be where Bampot and I shared our first kiss).

You need to walk down a set of wooden stairs that are affectionately called "Cinderella Stairs." It took me about 20 mins to walk down and 25 mins to walk up. It was really worth it though, doncha think?

http://s886.photobucket.com/home/Scottymb

I tried out my hand at taking pics for fun too.

This is just ONE of the places that is close to my house that we can hike through. Gotta love Niagara.

Still foggy.

I am not exactly plan Bing my brother, but he has decided to stay clear of me too. Glad about that. My Mom feels like she is in the middle. I told her that she planted herself firmly on his side.

She is still foggy. I have only necessary contact with her and when she talks about my Dad or FF(my name for POSOM, think WF with the F word instead), I tell her that I don't wan to hear about it. She brings up FF and she talks about her time that she had spent with him. My stomach just spins thinking about Bampot doing that if he was to come home. I asked her if she talks about FF to my Dad and she said, "No." I don't know if I believe her, but I won't ask my Dad about it. She is still upset that my Dad still says that he is separated. I just tell her to talk to my Dad about it and I can't help her. It's not fun dealing with a wayward. I look at it as practice in patience for Bampot. Maybe, maybe not. It's practice none the less.