Please let me hear some stories of your exposure experience so I can make myself stronger. I really need to know that this works, what it looks and feels like, etc., so I can prepare myself for another, maybe even more, painful experience.

The first thing I did was expose it to her best friend. Aftr I exposed it to my wife of course

She then said she was going to work on us until three weeks later when she said we were over.

Then her parents, my parents, all our common friends, her works HR Department (that is where she met him) and then I emailed all of her Facebook friends.

We spoke last night and she is still denying it, she tells me she is saying they had sex and are seeing each other because I ask and need a reason other then myself for a failed marriage.

I have issues, and we had a date set to seek help, she bailed the night before. Since then, I have told everyone and anyone. Even our nieghbors

So far it has pushed up apart more, but she moves out this Wednesday and hopefully things will start to sink in for her, we have 4 kids that will beging a whole new life this week.

We dont talk anymore, I sent her the letter in the Dr. book about not speaking until that affair is over. So this Wednesday we have no more contact and it starts the next chapter

My exposure was not that explosive(unfortunately). At first, I couldn't find the OW family's info. My WH and I didn't have many friends. He hung around only OW and a couple of friends from work, who apparently knew about the affair. When I did my first round of exposure, I didn't have proof it had gone PA. Thanx to the great folks on here who nudged me a little, I installed a keylogger and got all I needed in 2 hours.

I told our children, my friends, our friends, my family, his family, and then I mailed a letter(cc'd to 3 different people) to their workplace(WH and OW work side by side). There really wasn't much of a pop for that exposure.

After the confrontation(BIG MISTAKE) I re-exposed to workplace and even called them when I didn't hear anything. My WH DID respond to that one, he called me and told me that his workplace told him to tell me to stop calling and emailing them. Well, I KNEW he was lying because I didn't ever email them. It was a mini angry episode that actually was not even discussed when he came home.

Then, one day, I was on here talking about how I still couldn't find OW family's info. I searched for something on her and found out that her facebook was OPEN(it was right after they changed the privacy settings and before that she was PRIVATE). I had a short amount of time, so I messaged the people wil the same last name as her. If I had thought about it, I would have copied her whole list.

I also exposed to an RPG that my WH LOVES to play. I didn't get a lot of the explosive anger out of my exposure, it wasn't so much nuclear as popgunish, BUT, I DO NOT REGRET ONE MOMENT. The reason? I have solace in knowing that WH and OW can't pull this off as a "romance." Everyone who knows, KNOWS. KWIM?

I hope this thread helps you decide that exposure is the right way to go.

Might I even suggest that some people out there that didn't expose also share their stories. It might help to see both sides of the story. I know there are a lot of people out there who regret NOT exposing.

WTE,

When I uncovered my wife's affair she was 400 miles away from me and right next door to OM who was a neighbor of her step mother.

I called her twin sister within the hour and struggled to wait until she was actually on her way home (and less likely to be able to just turn around and go back to OM) before continuing exposure. Then I told our pastor, her best friend here, her best friend on the other end of the trip, her step mother, another sister, our son, the pastor of the church she attended while on her visits to step Mom's house, and her boss (because she was using a company cell phone for communication with him) before I had even confronted her.

Since I exposed on Saturday and did not confront her until I saw her on Sunday, exposure was pretty much over by the time she got home and she knew that I knew about the affair. Didn't stop her from trying to gaslight me about it though and try to convince me they were "just friends." For me, the naked pictures were a dead giveaway, especially the ones sent at 3 am and followed up with a phone call five minutes later that lasted till 4 am and only on nights I wasn't home.

I did not expose to her mother who is still married to her affair partner after 40 years. I also did not expose to OM's then STBxW, who had filed for divorce over his serial cheating and drinking. If the affair had continued much longer, I would have gotten to her as well, but she struck me as a bit unstable even before any of this came about. I understand why better now than I did then, but she was still the type who might drive 400 miles with a gun in the car to come after my wife. Someone DID shoot at OM during his next round of affairs and the rumor was that it was one affair partner shooting at him after catching him with another affair partner, but the inside story is that it was his now xW who was mad over something his lawyer pulled.

Yes she was MAD. YES she threatened to leave over my "dragging other people into our lives" and bringing misery to other people etc. She told me she was thinking of "patching things up" but now she would never be able to stay with me. She told me she could never trust me for letting other people know our private lives. She told me just about anything you can find on what WS's say when exposure happens.

We are still together and teach Marriage Builders to other couples at our church where we lead the newly formed marriage
ministry.

Exposure scares the hell out of you before you do it. I scares you even more when your WS begins acting like the girl in The Exorcist and you see them doing things and saying things you didn't even know were inside them. You can pretty much try to ignore all of it, BTW.

But exposure is the greatest weapon there is against the affair since affairs are based on lies, deception and secrecy. Once out in the open they typically whither and die as surely as the vampire who gets caught in the open when the sun rises.

Mark

I woke H up a few hours before he left for work (3rd shift). I confronted him and told him I knew everything, he just needed to admit it. He tried to gaslight me for 2 hours, even though I gave up one of my pieces of evidence to him to show him I DID know. When he went to get ready for work, I left the house immediately and headed over to a friend's house (a friend that I knew would 'spread the word'). After that, I headed back home when I knew he would be gone and proceeded to email all of his family.

He emailed me a few hours later asking why I had told the friend and forwarded me my sister's email (she had emailed him telling him to stop the A and that he was having it at the expense of my D's and my pain). He apologized for hurting me (but still denying the A) and that it was all over. For the next 4 days he ranted and raged, blowing up at me several times (especially when people would email him telling him to stop the A - these emails would arrive on his BB at random times during these days), shouted "I'm done with you!" and left the house a few times only to come back an hour later. He was pretty emotionally abusive to me for two days, but after advice from MB'ers here, I stood up to him and told him to STOP abusing me, which took him by surprise, and he did stop. But then from there he moved quickly to destroying a few things around the house, which again with some advice from MB'ers I told him he had to stop or I would file a police report on him. He went though all of my stuff while I was out, leaving a big mess for me to clean up, obviously looking for what evidence I had on him. On the 3rd day, I went ahead and emailed one of OW's relatives on FB, and emailed all 8 of our mutual friends. He heard about this right away, blew up at me again.

By the end of the 4th day, he had worn himself out with all that anger, and seemed like he was breaking down. We became very affectionate, and had long talks. I thought we were on the verge of maybe making it back towards our M, but he continued to try to gaslight me, and still was being secretive and refusing to let me look at his BB, to drive him to work to ensure that he was REALLY working, and so on. He vented off a lot of fogbabble at me. So after a total of one week from the start of exposure, I started telling him he needed to move out if he wouldn't confess to the A, and every time we talked about divorce, I gave him the worst outcome possible - he wanted to know what I would do if we had to move forward with divorce, so I just told him that I would get everything and he would get NOTHING because he was the one who had the A, and that I would be fine even though I couldn't financially afford everything on my own (I was very convincing). The 2nd week, he constantly texted me and sat down with me to have these long talks but still not admitting to the A, I started to push him to take a polygraph test or to get out of the house. There were incidents that happened between OWs and my niece, so the next day after that I did a mini plan B - left a note telling him I would not accept his OWs hurting my family and he had to choose them or me - and I left the house for the day. I also needed a break from all that drama, anyway. That morning, he sent me an email saying it was between them, he had nothing to do with it. I ignored it. Early afternoon, he started texting me constantly again, asking when was I going to come home, he wanted to talk. I ignored these emails for a few hours. Then I sent him an email listing my conditions for him staying in the M with me, with the first one being he had to take a polygraph test. I told him I had set one up for the next week, though it was a bluff.

By the end of two weeks, two days prior to the 'polygraph test', he confessed to the A and agreed to all of the conditions. One of these conditions was that he had to commit to saving the marriage though a program of my choice (MB counseling, of course). Today we are in R, but looking back now, it seems so easy to do, though at the time I was scared out of my mind, second guessing myself all the time. But then, I had the MB plan that I had gone through over and over again in my mind so I knew what to expect, knew what script to follow, knew how he would react and behave. That was very helpful. But the extent of his rage was still surprising to some MB'ers here, they felt it was way beyond what any normal wayward would behave, and I think we arrived at the conclusion that this was due to his 'addictive' personality - he gets very easily addicted, and pretty much his whole life he's had loose rein on his addictions (except for one or two very dangerous ones, which he knew he needed to stop, and he did stop) until this A, and he was ANGRY with me for refusing to give up on stopping that A.

Since we started working on R, he has told me several times that he's glad that I did what I did. He said he was lost, stuck, didn't know what to do, wasn't himself.

Good luck - you can do it. Listen to the vets. I did. They are a great source of MB advice and support.

I called WH first.
He was working "on set" and could not leave right away.
He lied.
"We're just friends".
I said: "Liar" .... and hung up.

Then, I called OW.
She lied.
"We're just friends".
Plus, extra wayturd bonus points... OW emphatically said: "I am insulted by this accusation ".
I said: "Liar" .... and hung up.

Then I told WH's parents (I was visiting at their home).
Then I told my parents.
Then I told my sister.

A few days later, after WH finally told (some of) the truth, I told WH that the only way I was willing to try to stay married was if he went to OWH in my presence, in a public place, confessed adultery with his wife and apologize.
WH had known OWH since childhood. (They were at our wedding)
This was not an empty threat.
This was my boundary.
At first he said : "Can't we end the damage here?"
I said: "You do this or I'm out of this marriage."

And, that is how OWH received exposure.
In the form of a confession and an apology from my WH.

Turns out, that OWH ALREADY KNEW, and never exposed to me !!!

And THAT is my point .... if one of the betrayed spouses knows, and fails to inform the other betrayed spouse .... they have enabled the adultery to continue.




By the way, there was no divorce on either side.

I didn't know about snooping or exposure at the time. One day afted Dday I confronted my WH who said OW was friend. I called OW on his cell phone in front of him and she denied knowing my H. That was his OW from gym. I emailed his online OW and she threatened me because I emailed her personal email. Affairs ended as soon as exposed (to the extent I exposed.) I wish I had found this site - I would have called gym OW live-in boyfriend and let him know. Expose to whoever can help put pressure on the A. If I snooped more and exposed more, I may have found out if any of two affairs were PA. Today I still can't say that there was no PA. FWH always claimed no PA.

Gg

Gg

Exposure is exhilarating and scary. It will change you overnight from a meek little scared mouse to a marriage warrior. As BobPure once put it, I changed from a serf to a KNIGHT overnight.

It is the most potent weapon you have in saving your marriage.

My H's affair ended the day I found out. [and I do mean ALL contact, working together is still contact] I exposed to my mother, sister, and confronted the OW. She told me that my H told her we were "separated" and I explained to her the affair was over. EVen though I did kick him out initially, I did give him an opportunity to prove himself to me. He has done a superb job and we are happily married 10 years later.

If you get a chance, go read movingforward's threads. She went through a very tough, intense situation with exposure. But she never flinched and never faltered, and becuase of that, she recovered her marriage. She even went and personally confronted the OW. Her reward has been great.

I exposed my husband's affair in this order, I first told my two sons, I did not want them to hear from anyone else, I then told my friends which are also his friends, the OW's husband was exposing everyone on his end, I found out about the affair from him, I told some of his family and work colleagues, they took care of the rest.
My husband actually tried to blame me for speaking to the OW's husband, if I hadn't done that none of it would have come to the surface and we could have worked on our marriage but he told me now that everyone knew how could that happen. I said fine, you made your choices, go and be happy with your decisions...
He just kept telling me he didn't love me and that is why he could have an affair, and that he just needed to feel loved and the OW made him feel loved and that the marriage was over anyway.......in his mind only.......I said okay, go, move out and be happy like you are telling me you want......
I knew from reading this site that all affair people speak this language and that I would not be able to change him....
I asked him to stop seeing her out of respect for his children and me while he made his plans to move out.....
I told him if he continued that relationship that he was giving me up for good....
I'm glad the OW's husband told me, I was able to stop it by exposing his affair, it wasn't a lot of fun for him when everyone knew what he was up to.......
what he didn't realize is that one agreed what he had done....even his best friend, said you have screwed up your life, what were you thinking......
he cried more than I did, we are trying to work things through as well, he is remorseful and is now a totally different man......
can I get over what happened I'm not sure at this point.......
something that he will have to live with I guess.....
I don't think at this point in time that he thinks his decisions were really smart...
I would expose again and would recommend it , everyone deserves to know the truth and we all should have the choice to the decisions about our own lives.....

The first person I exposed to was my DD, she was actually on the phone with me as I was reading his e mails(he saved every single one of OW's e mails).
Even though I did not know of MB at the time, I made a list of all the people I would tell. At the time i was reading the e mails WH was in another country and I had confronted him the morning before he left and he kept insisting they were just close friends(she was a friend of my whole family).
By the time he returned 4 days later, all my family, our close friends, OWH and children, her in-laws, her mother and sister and her pastor had been informed.
Heres the sticker, in the middle of the e mails I found some rather tasteless shall we say, pictures of her taken in my kitchen, I then proceeded to send the pictures to everyone except the pastor. She went ballistic, but at the end of the day I feel no remorse.
When I was sending out the e mails, (I carefully chose 3 e mails that were not as nasty but left no doubt in the reader's mind as to the nature of the relationship)
as I was sending them out, and please understand, this was the day after D Day, I was in the middle of deep despair, shock, disappointment, pain anger, ugh need I say more? but sending the e mails gave me little glimpses of a feeling of some measure of control but also pain for the people I knew would be hurt from finding this out. OWH called me and asked if he could come over and talk, I agreed, we sat down and talked and cried together, I will never ever forget that day. It was like being at the funeral of a loved one.

The feelings of betrayal from my H, my friend and another very very close friend who I discovered from the e mails was double dating with my WH and his whore was and is just too much, I now having severe trust issues, so I have cut myself off from everyone, we live in a small town and it appears that pretty much everyone knew of the affair except me and I feel like a darn fool!!

bump for mvic