I have been reading everything I can here to get some help in restoring my marriage of 13 years (together a total of 23 years). My partner has lived in another state for a year due to a position with the military. I was supposed to be moving there soon, but a month and a half ago I found out about an affair that he had recently begun. We tried talking and I even went out there for a three week visit. It was fantastic; it seemed like we totally reconnected. The day after I came home, he told me he wasn't sure he loved me anymore and that I should not call him; he'll call me. (He later recanted.)
After two weeks of crying, not sleeping or eating, and praying constantly, he called and told me to meet him in a nearby state where his team would be for two weeks. We spent another excellent two weeks together. I came home and again, the next day, I found out he went straight to the girlfriend�s house when he got back.

We have no doubt of how much we love each other. He spent the whole morning crying (but he was in her home) and then cried to me on the phone. He said he feels crazed, like he can�t help it, like he�s in some kind of addiction, but doesn�t want to stop. It seems like he doesn�t want to lose me but I feel uncertain about everything. I believe he needs me there to help him.

I can�t follow the advice I see here while we are in different states. Is there a way to do this? Please tell me what you think I should do. If I do nothing, they may bond more and more, and our bond will wane. This has been the love of my life. We both agree that our relationship is the best thing that�s ever happened to us, and yet� Please help.

I am no expert but you CAN follow the plan here if you are separated. The vets will be here to give more advice.

Plan A is possible with you all being apart I am sure it would take some work. Your H is speaking the language of a WH and his actions are normal and hurtful. He is like an addict. Have you read any of the books? If not I suggests you look at the articles here for Plan A and B and Look at the Surviving an Affair, and His needs her needs. The will help.

Get yourself tested.

He's 2-timing you because it's not costing him anything; and she's dating a married man because it's not costing her anything.

Yes, there's definitely an addiction aspect; but as long as he's remaining in contact with her, then he's not going to be able to overcome that. He doesn't want to. It's not costing him anything.

Find out who she is. Expose to her parents, friends, anyone you can find. Expose to his parents, friends, his CO, anyone you can find. Their little love-nest might not be so cozy if everyone realizes what they're up to. Do plenty of snooping. Gather & protect your evidence. Don't tell him that you're doing any of this.

I got into an emotional & physical affair that went on for 2 & a half months. I only quit 2-timing my wife when my other woman's husband found her out. That broke up the secrecy. I knew that my wife would find out. Before I even confessed to her, I knew she wouldn't stand for it. So I knew that there'd be huge costs for me if I persisted in the affair; and I knew I had to make a choice. My wife was & is the best thing in MY life, but when I'd gotten into my affair I wasn't acting in her best interest, until I was forced to make a choice.

There are no guarantees for you here, but while you're letting him know that you love him, you also need to let him know what you will & won't stand for, and you need to let him know that there's a cost to treating you this way. If you're physically separated for a long-term assignment, and he's not willing to resign & come home to you in order to save the marriage, then it seems to me there isn't a lot you can do unless you start to make crystal-clear to him that there are things you just will not stand for. That's what I think, anyway.

Sorry you're in this situation. People will be along soon who can give you better advice for your situation than I can.