I guess I'm having a bad day today, I have been dealing with a health issue and I will be losing my hair......it's so hard to not compare myself with the OW when I think of my husband looking at me now.....It's takes everything in me to get through some days.......I'm only out 6 months of finding out about my husband's affair.....he still sees the OW on occasion in a work enviroment and he has been great and doing all he can to make me feel better but when you go through something like I am it's very difficult......
Some days I think it might have been easier to just walk away then to deal with all the emotional turmoil that goes with recovery from an affair....
I guess I have to focus on my health and forget about the affair for awhile, I will try to continue keeping my marriage in a better place but it's getting harder to focused, some days I just have a bit of the thinking it's a lot of work and I just want to rest.........sometimes I wonder why God gives you so much to deal with.....I don't understand but I do have faith in the plan........
just needed to vent a little I guess

Jess, I am sorry to hear about your health issue. That has to be especially hard to deal with in a marriage that is not recovering from the affair. Why is he still in contact with his OW?

You do know that Dr Harley recommends Plan B if the WS won't end contact, right?

melodylane,
They still see each other on occassion with business dealings, the marriage is recovering and he has done a complete turnaround and has not given me any reason to doubt him, I check all the time, he has given me all access to all his communication, he is never away from home, comes home for lunches now, spends all his time with me......I know all about Plan B, we have already gone through the process of exposure, Plan A we had a separation agreement drawn up between us and he was moving out and I was going to be in Plan B, he came to his senses and out of the affair fog and has seen what he did was selfish and pointless, we have been together 26 years, we talked and now have decided to work on our marriage, I think when you feel you don't look good anymore it's just a difficult thing not to compare yourself, I guess it's just a lot to deal with but I know in time things will be better in all parts of my life, it just seems like when it rains it pours......

Jess, this is not recovery. This is like saying an alcoholic is "recovering" but he goes to the bar every day and has "occasional" drinks. There is no recovery here as long as your husband continues to see her because every contact puts him back to day 1 of withdrawal. The lovers are triggered every time they see each other.

He is not out of the fog and is not in withdrawal. I don't know of any couple who recovered while the affairees were still in contact. But I do know of numerous couples that suffered years of on again, off again affairs because this step was skipped.

This is not a corner you can cut if you want to have a recovered marriage, Jess. It is impossible. That is like saying an alcoholic can recover while having "occasional" drinks and changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks."

That doesn't work.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Jess I am afraid to tell you that melody is RIGHT! As long as your husband is still seeing the OW the affair will still continue, and you will not be able to recover. If your marriage was REALLY recovered you would not be here posting this. He has to end ALL contact FOR LIFE if you want to save your marriage. [color:#FF0000][/color]

thanks melodylane,
You don't have to worry I do understand every aspect of the MB recovery process....I have thought about this a lot and we have discussed it ourselves many times......right now the OW is in the process of looking for work in a different city and I pray that happens.......
But I do understand that our recovery is not a true one until that happens, right now I have given myself a year to try to work this out, my husband does know that I want No Contact with the OW and if that doesn't happen within that year that I will have to make a decision that is right for me......
I'm 6 months right now from finding out about the affair.....we still live with a separation agreement that we decided on when he was leaving and this is at my request because he still would be in contact with the OW on occassion and I know that recovery can't happen without No Contact so I decided to leave the legal, financial the way it was.......This way if I decide to end things it will be easier.....I'm the type that lives in reality and don't doubt I understand all the facts here......I think for the time being I have to focus on the health first and take the time to really think through the marriage and the recovery process, he is being great now and he is not giving me any reason to doubt his commitment to me, but I understand and have awareness of the whole affair process.....
I have 6 months to figure things out I have been reading a lot on false recovery, so right now I'm learning about me and what I want and need and that will be my main focus on my final decision, I am getting stronger every day when it comes to my self esteem at least on the marriage front......
The health issues are scary right now and that is a whole other story....I have a good support system in place and I have to just stay positive right now.....it's just such a tough place to be in right now, trying to balance everything and the importance of everything I am dealing with.....thank for taking the time to respond, and don't worry my eyes are wide open here

sapphire returns,
I do understand what you and melodylane are saying.....my eyes are wide open....it is something I have been thinking about a lot as well......
I have asked for No Contact and he has asked me to be patient while she looks for other work.....
I have told him I will give it another 6 months, I understand the job market is not good right now.....and then I will have to make the best decision for me.....
I know things won't work out if this doesn't happen, I'm not a foolish woman.....
He knows if this doesn't happen that he will have to move on with his life, he knows that I am being patient for now but that it isn't something I can live with or willing to live with......
Melodylane, sapphire returns, I am willing to call it a day if that day comes.....
I know myself well enough, that is not something I am willing to live with long term.....he knows this as well.......
I know this is a situation that is a difficult one, right now I need his support to stay strong and he is being great......I know that might sound pathetic because it feels a bit like that for me now......but I need to take it day by day for now, I'm a logical, emotional type that weighs things out before I make my final decisions I have been accountable in my part in the marriage breakdown and that was there before the affair and now it's a thinking process for me.......I'm stronger now and I'm sure with a bit of time I will come to a decision that I can live with and be happy in.........thanks for the support and I know you two have to be tough to get me to understand the mb thinking, I do understand believe me

Jess, I don't think your eyes are wide open at all. That is like saying you have you eyes "wide open" and will be careful playing chicken when you have already been hit once. The fact that they are still working together tells me you don't have your eyes wide open enough to use good judgement. This is a disaster, Jess.

Why won't your husband leave this job?

And how would he know that if they only have "business contact?"

Asking you to be "patient" while he continues his affair is an unreasonable request, Jess. I would give him about 4 weeks to leave that job and then I would file for separation and go into Plan B.

As long as he continues to see her at work, the affair is still on.

A continued affair is very bad for your health. It is abuse that will tear you down emotionally and physically. People who stay in abusive situations suffer physical problems as well.

melodylane

I do know that this connection that happens on occassion now has to end and I have asked for that to happen....
My husband is the owner of the company and the OW works for one of his partners, the collegue is not willing to let her go....
She has told her boss she is searching for a job elsewhere and we are hoping that this is what happens.......
He cannot leave his job, not an option......he is part owner.....
I do know this decision will be up to me MelodyLane and that I will have to give him his walking papers because I do know that this is something I can continue to live with........
It is my decision to give her time to try to make this happen.....right or wrong.....I realize the 2 by 4 you are trying to get me to realize and I see it.....
I'm just trying to take the time I need at this point to figure out how to close this out that is in the best interest for me considering all the facts, my health, my marriage, my family.....
I am in no way being abused or feel like that, I understand all the sides of my story and i understand everyone's feelings in this and I'm trying to make a good decision for all of us. Mistakes were made by both of us.......but I will be making what ever decision I make for me and only me.......
MelodyLane I don't think the affair goes on like you think I have complete access to everything, texts, phones, comp and his whereabouts at all times, we spend every moment together, he now comes home at lunch, right after work.....he never goes anywhere on the weekends without me, he makes a point.....he gives me his phone on the weekends, whenever I want in fact........we are just trying to solve the problem so we can move on with our recovery we both know it won't happen until she is gone......and out of his/our lives......

Then why did you need help when you posted? We are only letting you know that it wont work until he ends all contact for life! until then your marriage wont be in recovery, so let me know how it all works out in 6 months.

Good luck!

she didn't...all she wanted to do was vent a little as she stated in her post...and considering what she's going through medically, I say she's warranted that instead of being beat up on...

jess is right, first and foremost is her health...getting through and defeating this illness, which will at times consume her life...I pray her husband has seen this and is an eye-opener and has decided to dedicate his life to hers.

Locate the closest high-end wig store near you.

Tell your H that you want him to go shopping with you.
Tell H he can decide on a RED-HEAD wife, or a BLOND wife, or a BRUNETTE wife.
Or one of each.

Make the wig selection something fun.
POJA the wig.
Buy a variety.

Hang the expense ...

Turn this into something less horrific ...

jess, i am new here but i was told to read other post to help me with my situation & i am so sorry for what u r going thru. it is so hard for me to imagine u going thru health problems on top of your H having an A, i cannot imagine dealing with that & i will pray for you on a regular basis.
mr anderson, i am so glad to see someone like u on here--trying to uplift people & help them in the areas that they need help in.
jess, u really helped me just by rading your post about the NC & i needed to read that. thank u!

mr anderson, thank you so much, you hit the nail on the head, I'm going through a lot and I know I'm not in ideal situation in my marriage, and I'm trying to do what is best for right now.......my health right now is my main concern, I have to be selfish in that sense..... again, you brought me to tears......

pepperband,
My husband and I already went to a wig place and placed an order, he even picked up the tab......I don't like where I am but I'll get through this just like everything else that has thrown my way.

sapphire returns and melodylane,
I want to thank you two for the two by fours today, I wanted to vent a little as I was feeling bad but you two did hit the nail on the head as to my thinking as well with the No Contact with the other woman......that will be my final decision if she does not leave........Plan B ......
Right now I have to look after myself and it is extremely tough dealing with the two things at the same time.....
some days I'm good and confident, today I'm feeling a little sorry for myself and weak.......
I'm in the midst of kicking myself in the a$$ and brushing myself off now...
I listened to you guys in the beginning of my story and I did turn things around with exposure, Plan Aing him, him being transparent and the OW now not working directly with him......no contact, except for business.... I know what you are thinking........spending all our time together, golfing every weekend together......listening to each other, renewing the affectionate side of ourselves that had been missing over the years......we are better but still have a ways to go and some details still need to be worked out.......thanks again

No one here "beat up" on Jess. She was given the very best advice possible. The fact that her H is still in touch with his lover is ABUSE and has an effect on her health. Ignoring that fact and helping her gloss over an obvious problem is not the act of a friend.

In order to defeat her illness, she needs the OW out of her life and to be in a recovered, happy marriage. She CANNOT DO THAT while her H still sees his adultery partner.

I know it is tempting to tell people what they want to hear, mranderson, but is sure is not in their best interest when it could mean the demise of their marriage and potential health problems. So, if you don't mind, I will continue to tell people what they need to hear rather than what they want to hear.

Jess, this is the equivalent of an alcoholic working the steps of AA but continuing the drink and calling himself recovered. An impossible feat. The problem with this is that the alcoholic can never sober up and change until he takes the first step, which is to put down the drink.

It is the same with adultery. Recovery never starts until the WS withdraws from the affair. Your H stays in a state of perpetual withdrawal that precludes recovery. So, this is not a small "detail," this is STEP ONE and the marriage goes nowhere until that happens.

I suspect the continued contact has been very hard on your health, Jess. This is exactly why Dr Harley recommends going into Plan B in about 3 to 4 weeks if your H won't end contact.