Hi All! It's been a while, though I do read here occassionally. I've noticed some of you whose threads I followed in SAA are now here. I thought I'd share an update to provide some encouragement to those who are still in the earlier stages of this.

First of all, I think it's safe to say that my dealings with WXH are virtually over save the odd minor encounter. I (successfully) took him to small claims court last winter where he attempted to counter-sue based on a point in our separation agreement. The separation agreement stood and I got my money. (note: in Canada, the separation agreement contains all the details of property/custody division unlike the US where the divorce contains all that.) In any event, I believe that concluded the process. DS is grown - there was never any custody to begin with so there's nothing there to change, either.

I say my dealings with WXH are "virtually" overwith because we still play in the same baseball league. It has been a non-issue this year. OW has not come to a single game. They are still together. They even bought matching cars this year - how cute is that! Perhaps she realized that the league who has known me for over a decade is not going to embrace her as willingly as WXH. But for whatever reason, she's been a completely no-show.

The funny thing about the baseball is, WXH has started parking near me. I always stay and tailgate with some friends after the game. Because of this, we park in the back corner of the parking lot - pretty much as far from the diamonds as you can get. We haven't been able to figure our why WXH is parking there. Earlier in the season, we wondered if it would change when OW came, but she has never come. WXH has made absolutely no attempt to speak to me at games, nor have I attempted to speak with him. Even when our teams played each other, he refuses to shake my hand after the game (how childish is that?). Yet he still parks close. Bizarre.

He has also called me on a few occassions. In all cases, the reason was pretty minor - not something I would have called for. All calls came from his cell phone. I only mention this because his affair began and prospered through the use of his cell phone - I believe it's part of his MO. It makes me wonder if he's sneaking behind her back. Perhaps he's not cheating (yet), but he certainly seems to be engaging in some independent behavior and is not practicing radical honesty. Of course, he's never read MB. If he had, he wouldn't be in his "affairage." (I use quotes because they are not married but legally, they are common law which affords the same benefits as marriage in this country.) He certainly seems doomed to repeat his past mistakes.

As for OW - I'll get to her in a minute.

Myself - I have moved on. I have a wonderful BF now. He is also an exBS. We recently moved in together. I know - not the MB way, but in this land, marriage seems to be merely ceremonial and somewhat of a sham compared to what marriage in my mind should be (it seems hypocritical to make oaths to a society that doesn't support them). Also, it is better for our children (my DS and his DD) to remain common law as the only legal difference here is that upon death, your kids remain your heirs unless you have remarried in which case your spouse gets everything. Other than this, however, we follow MB principals and I'm learning how wonderful a committed relationship can be. We are open and honest with each other. We strive to meet each other's ENs. We communicate well. We are affectionate. And we strive for POJA (which is harder than it looks!). It is so liberating! It is I will never go back to my old life.

So basically, I have a stable, fulfilled life with a loving partner. My career is going strong. I still have my sports, social and recreational activities. I travel a lot now. I control my actions and my choices. I have all of the things that I previously had strived for when I was married, but seemed so far away. The same things I grieved for at the end, because I thought that without WXH there was no way I could continue to pursue all this, are actually here long before I thought I could achieve them back then! Amazing, isn't it?

Which brings me back to OW. When she ripped apart my life and marriage, all she wanted was what I had. She took my husband. She took over my inlaw role in his family. She tried to get and move into my house. She got my truck. She got my wedding gifts. She tried to take over my friends at baseball. She wanted all the vacations I was planning to take. All she wanted was my life.

Well guess what! She didn't get it. All she did was take away the anchor that was holding me back from it this whole time. Now she's stuck with a guy who's showing all the signs of being dishonest with her. Who knows how happy they are? I haven't a clue and don't care. I'm not angry with her - she's not worth the emotional energy. She'll get what she deserves. I don't have to be there to witness it, nor do I have to put any effort into ensuring it happens. It will. I'm the one with the nice house, lots of friends, lots of activities and lots of travel.

So folks, there is life after divorce and it can be a good one. MB helped me get here and I intend on applying these principals to every aspect of my life. I wake up feeling good about myself and look forward to what each new day brings. A lot of this is because the fine people here who helped me through my earlier struggles and allowed me to vent when I needed to. I thank you all for it! There is light at the end of the tunnel and you will find it!

Hi Tabby, I remember reading your story and posting here and there.

Glad that you have achieved this happiness in your personal life.

Not all success stories are saving your M but personal recovery which you have achieved.

I have just recently moved to this board and continue to work on myself.

I know there is life after divorce but still have not wrapped my arms fully around the concept yet. Not interested in dating at all.

I am taking each day and trying to fill it and continue with my personal growth.

This MB has been a blessing to me also.

Wow, Tabby, thanks for the update

Tabby, I am so happy to hear how great you are doing...you deserve it...Thank you so much for the update, it helps a lot to show us that there is happiness after all this crap...Good luck with your new beau...

You're an inspiration Tabby. Thanks for the update. I hope we al can come out the other side successfully as you some day. I know it's hard work, but worth the effort.

I also think it's totally cool you play baseball! My son got me into baseball a few years ago and now I've done it all at the youth level: coached, managed, umped, kept score, everything but played. Maybe when the kids are a little older I'll join an over 40 league. It's a great sport.

opt

Great to hear from you Tabby. Good for you. I am really happy to hear how the OW doesn't upset you anymore. I am slowly getting to that place...it is hard though.

Thanks everyone! Opt, the whole baseball issue was a big one for me. D-day happened during the 3 weeks between sign-up and the first game. Both of us were too stubborn to quit. For my part, it was one of the precious few social activities I had at the time and I needed it. We were to play on the same team so I asked to be traded. Still, all the diamonds are close together so I still saw him every week. And OW. He used to bring her to the games. He tried very hard to fit her into the crowd, but they had all known me far too long and everyone rallied around me. Last year, he missed a bunch of games and we all wondered if OW was influencing him in some way. Many people were surprised he even signed up this year.

DS (22) is also playing this year. He's on my team but he gets a ride in with WXH. He's easily the best player on my team. It's an adult league and though most of the players are over 40, there are a few young'uns - mostly sons and daughters of oldtimers. It's been great seeing him every week. He's moving to Europe in the fall so I will miss him a lot.

Which actually reminds me of another behavioral oddity that may be worth mentioning. WXH appears to be attempting to bait me or something via facebook. No, we aren't friends but be both have DS as a friend. DS posts when he has a good game or gets a home run. The first time, my best girlfriend (who lives 5 hrs away), "liked" it and congratulated him. WXH then posted a comment to her (on DS's page) - clearly trying to draw her into an argument. GF and WXH butted heads at the best of times and you would think that they prefer to avoid each other completely now. The exchange that occurred could have been interpreted as banter, but it would still have been suspicious even to someone who didn't know the situation. Subsequent posts by DS about baseball were also followed up by comments from WXH which were clearly bait. GF has never responded again. I congratulated DS on one which drew a smart-a$$ remark from WXH. I didn't take the bait either.

I'm not sure what it all means but based on what I see overall, I wonder if WXH is starting to miss his former life a little. I have no idea what his life is like now, but given that up until last year, OW wouldn't even let him out with DS on his own, something has certainly changed. In addition to baseball, he's been doing other things with DS (without her). I also know that he has become the mediator between OW and OWH (nope, I'm not kidding on this one!). Last year, OW ran over OWH with her truck and was charged with assault (and this woman called ME psycho!!). They put a restraining order against her and she's not allowed to contact OWH. Her sister was appointed by the court as the mediator to facilitate visitation of their DD, but she got fed up with OW's tricks and schemes so she quit. OW and OWH had nobody left except WXH. OWH says that WXH is far more reasonable to deal with than OW was, and being in the same house it makes communication easier. Though I have no idea how WXH feels about it, he is getting to know OWH personally and I'm sure he's way different than how OW described him. Funny how lies always catch up with waywards.

Anyway, I'm rambling again. I guess my point is that the karma bus hasn't hit them yet, but you can hear it rumbling off in the distance. And I am far out of its path!

Yup, I hear the rumbling...and its a beautiful sound...

Got to be nice to be up on a hill side vantage point to watch that bus running full tilt right into their Affairage

Oooooooo, Just the thought makes me feel all warm a fuzzy inside....

Can I pull up a chair, grab my popcorn and wait for the sound of the "SPLAT" as the bus knocks the waywards over?

I always love to follow the threads when karma starts to happen. It gives me great pleasure!

I'm not going to stand out in the rain all day waiting for the Karma bus.

My XWW is quite intelligent and has the ability to really engage people that she doesn't have to live with. I have no doubt that she will land on her feet after all of this and even reach some level of contentment (as much as a wayward can).

I'm just going to move forward with my life and not worry about what becomes of hers. I will always have the ability to hold my head high that I kept our marriage vows and tried to the best of my ability to recover the marriage. She always has to live with the shame and guilt of being a wayward.

To borrow some of Chrisner's famous quotes, "I'd rather be a BS than a wayward any day". Also,

"It must suck to be a wayward."

Tabby,

So good to see you back and doing well. You have been a great support to me and I appreciate it so much. You have always been an inspiration.

I think that when waywards really get settled into their new lives with their new soulmates and things start looking real again (yes, there are chores, toilets to clean, and bad hair days)they must start to wonder if they jumped too soon. I'm sure some of them miss their former lives.

You are doing great!!!

I think the key is to realize that the karma bus isn't usually a massive train derailment, but more like a long, slow drought bringing on famine. As enjoyable as it might be to wash popcorn down with an ice cold beer as the drama unfolds, it doesn't actually happen that way. I realize that now - and I think that's a key part of my recovery as well. As Schtoop put it, it is best to move forward with your own life.

We have a lot to be proud of as BS's. We were dragged threw the sewer and handed a pile of garbage, but we never faultered in our purpose and we held ourselves together. Of course we were battered up and broken down. But we obviously have the mettle to carry on and we have the knowledge that we did the right thing.

Amen to that ....... Well Said.....

Still I don't plan to look away if/when the Karma Bus/Train starts baring down on my stbxww