It's really worth reading.

The other books I've bought, besides all of Dr Harley's are:

The Divorce Organiser - which is a great how to prepare book

Surviving Seperation and Divorce

When I was working on Plan A - I stupidly thought that buying:
Dr ruths sex tips for over 50
Dealing with sex and a disabled partner
Would Help!

Now, I wish I had the money instead, as I've not had any financial support since WH lest 3 weeks ago

I've been living off my savings & investments

We have to do an Urgent Application to the Maintenance Court, which I think happens Monday. But I don't know how long that takes

Saturday - what a day

I had the boys and their friends with me in the morning,
Two of my friends came & spent the afternoon with me, we laughed and chatted - it was great.
Don't forget my dog going to the vet & my electric gate motor 'blowing up'

After they left, my eldest son came to me and said he wants to go back to University early, because when he's in the house, he becomes angry and tired.
I have already arranged for the house to be cleansed, but the lady can only come on Tuesday.

That finished me.

Between the 6 hours cross examination on Friday & my son feeling his fathers angry presence in the house -
I became a blubbering wreck!

I KNOW I shouldn't cry in front of my son's but it just happened!

With all the worry of not knowing how we are going to be financially after the divorce and their hurt, I couldn't help it.

I explained to my son, that I worried about the money, because the last thing I want to do, is be a financial burden on them in the future, if my savings don't last.

I am, at the moment living solely off my savings, and the money my Dad had lent me to pay the Attorney. So I have to be very careful.

I will probably have to re-start some sort of work, as from what came across in Court, my Wh doesn't see the need to pay for his family, as he thinks I have enough to do that.

Problem - he earns a large salary + benefits and bonuses
I only have investments and the interest from them

What Mr. DF wants and what Mr. DF gets may not exactly go hand-in-hand, trippingly through the tulips. If you have judges there who will look with kindly approbation on Mr. DF's financial shenanigans, I'm really going to be shocked!

tl

Thanks tl

I'm lead to believe we have a very good Judicial System.

But as I say to my boys - The Judgement that Counts, is the one the Judge Issues

I know that my case is quite strong with Medically Retired / M.S and with him having an Affair and Abondoning me etc etc

But the gnawing knot in your stomach just keeps churning.

I've decided NOT to use his Credit Card - that the Magistrate instructed him to re-instate - until we have the Maintenance / Settlement Meetings

I would rather use my savings & get help from my folks.
I do not want to be accused of 'abusing' the facility.

I've sent my Attorney an e-mail asking him if we can withdraw that from the Protection Order Case & just concentrate on the keeping me safe.

I wish I could understand all this legalise jargon - half the time I haven't a clue what I'm being asked in the cross-examination
I'm not sure what's enough of a reply or how to respond to 'inneuendos'

I've researched the Web for articles on Cross Examination, nut it doesn't help when you are standing in the witness box, feeling victimised!

A freind of mine said - just imagine WH's Attorney in his underpants!

Sorry my eyes are shocking this morning - so typing will be 'iffy'

It's after midnight and my doofus puppy will wake up at the crack of dawn, so I'm going to hate myself in the morning for even sitting up this long, but I wanted to comment on the "gnawing knot" in your stomach. I understand how you feel. We are in the last stages of a bankruptcy, caused by a subcontractor we didn't even hire, who cheated on $1500 of materials he charged us for but didn't use. When the septic failed, and failed, and failed, eventually we lost over $200,000 that went into trying to fix the mess. We lost the house. We lost our civil suit against him, in a totally incomprehensible ruling by the judge...which I could not appeal because we'd run out of money. My husband had retired and I became permanently disabled, so there was no working way to recover this. In the end we will have lost 3 houses, and are moving to a place which I would never have picked on my own, but is cheap to live in--and colder than any place a girl like me from the tropics should ever have to be. My dad is dying, but nobody knows exactly when it will be--I know that same gnawing uncertainty about what will happen, AND I HATE IT. After 9/9 we will have our discharge. I hope some of my gnawing goes away at that point, just as yours should resolve when you get your judgment. Even if you don't get everything, you'll still know where you stand and can begin to make long-range plans.

I think you just have to bite the bullet and try to endure this temporary period of uncertainty while waiting for the law to do its "thing." The only good part is that it won't last forever. You remind me a little of myself in that it seems you can deal with bad things as long as you know what they are. It's NOT knowing that's the killer. And it won't last long, even though it feels like it's taking F.O.R.E.V.E.R., doesn't it? So hang in there. I really think you'll have the law on your side, and I hope you get to see the smirk wiped off Mr. DF's face very soon.

tl

Oh tl - we have so much more in common than MB!

5 odd years ago - between my then Sales Manager stealing & a Client who renaged on paying - I was in smelly stuff for around $ 150 000.00

I had no back up resources. So what I did, was I went and meet with every single institution who I 'owed' money to. I explained what happened and made arrangements to re-pay on a monthly basis. It took me 2 1/2 years of 16 hour a day graft - but I paid Every single one back in full.

After that I swore blind I would never be in that position again.... So I carried on the 16 hour days until January this year when my MS said 'enough!'

So, I have a nest egg - but yucky health!

At least I know, with all the paperwork trail I have I can prove what I've paid towards this house as opposed to WH, which as I said mine is about 80%

I wish I could take your financial problems away - I hate how money rules our existance!

I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad - I wish his last few months to be painfree and happy.
My Dad is 80 - in good mental and physical health, my Mom has just turned 78 and also a bright as a button.
But my worst nightmare, is when they pass over.
They have been such a power of strength for me.

On the puppy side - again I understand - we've got 6 dogs & although not puppies by age - definetly in behaviour.
Since I've been sleeping alone, they thinks it's great to sneak on the bed, after I'm asleep! Then as the birds start - or before, they think that I should get up & proceed to have a rough and tumble - on top of me - with a cat somewhere in the middle!
Very difficult to have a lie in!

I must say that so far today and last nite - I've hit the morbs again!
I wish I could shake myself and say - why are you wasting such energy on him!' Well I have been doing that, but haven't won yet.

I rode my beautiful tall elegant chestnut horse just now - I rode him on the exercise track, with a breeze, bright blue winter sunshine. I was great.
I just don't want to over tax myself and rather build my strength slowly - seeing as I will probably be in that awful witness stand again.

It's a real catch 22, because if I'm ill they may dismiss the case, but it taxes my reserves being manhandled in the cross examination

"My 1 horse is 18 1 1/2 hh - so 'landing' when I dismount is fun!"....................HOLY CARP WOMAN!!!! WHAT ARE YOU RIDING!!! LOL that is one big boy. my mare is 17 hands and people think i'm nuts when they realize how tall she is. (mostly quarter horse friends....lol) they were all aprehensive to get on her....she is a doll baby! she is a saddlebred i rescued. i have another gelding saddlebred who is about 16 hands and my last gelding is 15 hands. he is the leader....its quite funny! he looks like a pony compared to the others! he is a rescue also and most people guess morgan/paso fino crossed with quarter horse. he is like a big puppy dog!

on the cross examination....maybe your attorney could do a mock session with you....i know it will be expensive....but in the long run it may be worth it.

i love the cleansing idea....we've done a few of those ourselves over the years. it is so hard watching our kids struggle with this. my youngest son was very little when we went thru this...he doesnt remember much of anything. he is 15 now. he is a great young man and makes me so proud.hang in there.....take care of yourself so you can be there for them....they are gonna need you now more than ever....

Hi Nikko

Yes - he's tall, but very elegant & fine boned - warmblood
My grey must be close to 17hh, but built like a tank. He's full of it - when I hadn't built the bridge over the stream in our property, he would Halt - & - Leap - 3meters over the water - Not good for a dressage aunty!
My dark bay is also 17hhish but, Very Close Coupled & as athletic as a .... well here we have buck called spingbok! Maybe a cat!

I just HATE not knowing the outcome & have already spoken to my boys about 'tightening' our belts.

we could live on my savings & investments, but then I wouldn't have anything for old age!

I probably will have to take on some sort of work, to tide us over.

What time zone are you in - I'm CAT - Central African Time - 2 hours ahead of England

i'm east coast united states. its 1:21 in the afternoon on sunday here. lol

oddly i knew what a springbok was! my two saddlebreds are copper-penny reds. the mare has alot of blonde on her mane and tail. the 15h boy is.....depending on the season....winter, dark bay. almost a cherry cola color. right now in summer he is much lighter in color...only god knows what the heck he is.lol but he is my heart!

i was gonna go ride again but it just started to rain a bit...maybe later.

hang in there....sanity is just around the corner!

When were you diagnosed with MS & what stage are you at?
What parts of your body is affected?

I also haven't spoken to a lot of people who have it, in fact, only 2 others, in this country.

I spoke to a Pro golfer from a country north of me who was on the new trials at a university in the UK, and he went from house bound to back on the European Pro Circuit.
He was also diagnosed in his 40's
Our country didn't want to take part in the trials so I couldn't get on.

I think we do, too. Maybe that's why I always check to see what's happening to you. Our financial troubles, unfortunately, occurred after he retired and I became disabled. There was no taking on extra work to try and pull out of the hole, although up until we lost the civil suit, I still had hopes of avoiding this mess. And those days in court were the most unpleasant days I have ever spent--listening to those men lie about what they had done, lie about what Neak's family and I had allegedly done that made it not their fault that the septic failed, blah, blah, blah. I made a BUNCH of money while I was working--nurses in California working 72 hrs./wk, with 36 of those hrs. being time-and-a-half, with occasional double time, can really rake it in. But it went to the support of my parents, and making sure that my daughters could stay home to take care of the grandchildren at the intense level that the 6 of them needed after being molested. (long story, doesn't need to be told right now)

And yet, for all the troubles of the last 10 years, including my mother's death, the hardest for me to deal with is the uncertainty of what's going on. Would we qualify for bankruptcy discharge? (as it turns out, that answer is yes, so I can relax a little. But it bothers me a lot that I have not been able to do what you did--pay everybody back what was owed. I think it will always bother me, but probably not as much as living under a bridge!) Would we be able to find a house? Will I like living in Montana? Why don't we just move to the Arctic Circle--it's about the same temperature in the winter?! Will my dad survive to make the trip? If he does, how will we move him 1600 miles when he can't sit up for longer than an hour or so at a time? And just today, if Neaksis gets the job she was just offered and can't come back to help me, how on God's green earth am I going to pack all this stuff myself? Just tell me what bad thing is going to happen to me, and I'll find a way to deal with it. Not knowing kills.

I think that sort of thing hard on you, too. It seems to me that you can manage a great deal of trouble and stress if you just know what it is. It's the black, looming unknown that's scary, and adds the heaviest weight. Look how quickly you knuckled under and dealt with the ugly reality of Mr. DF's affair. You took off like someone stuck a rocket under your chair. Now you don't know what's going to happen and you feel sort of "wavery". It's my opinion that no matter what the court decides, once you have a ruling, you will settle down and figure out how to handle it to your best advantage. You just need to get over this little patch of rough ground first, and you will.

I am totally unfamiliar with your area of professional skill, but I was wondering...if you end up needing to earn money, but are physically unable to meet the demands of the job, could you hire a technical assistant (or whatever you'd call him/her) to do the drawings, etc., pay them a salary, and simply work in a supervisory capacity? I realize if you have to pay someone wages you'll make less than if you did the work yourself, but you'd make more than if you tried to do it all alone, and couldn't. You'll figure something out, I'm sure.

tl

Hi tl

Somewhere in this wonderful Earth of ours, there has to be an "Overall Judge and Jury".

I believe the old saying "You reap, what you sow". And that applies to both good and bad.
I'm no Saint, but I really do try and do as much Good as I can.( I smoke, and can swear like a trooper, when I get cross).
My youngest son (17)& I try and go to vehicle accidents on our road, to do the 1st assessment, before calling the Emergency Services. My son has level 3 Advanced Life & I Have level 2. Believe me, we have helped at some dreadful ones. We've helped the grieving, stood by and protected he dead, held hands with the injured until the services arrive.

I also try and help out with animals that have been abandoned/ abused. We've homed 4 abandoned dogs, who are all wonderful. 2 have become my shadows!

I always try and make sure my wonderful house/garden staff have what they need. Try and take them to my Doctor (for minor things) rather than go to the Government Hospital.
I always give them clothes and furntiture from the house, try and pay them above average wages.

But at the moment, that Good Person, is feeling ANGRY, VINDICTIVE, HURT AND PROTECTIVE OF MY SONS.

But I've been reading this book, and the Author says:
You have to Really Look at yourself, to see why your marraige failed....Not just the guilty parties actions.

And last night I did that, and I know the Main Reason my Wh had the affair.
When I was diagnosed with MS, everyone would always say "Hows DF doing" and forget to ask him if he was Ok/Coping. I know this made him feel sidelined.
Yes, that's no excuse, but he didn't have a good childhood, with his parents divorcing when he was 6 & being shipped off to boarding school at 8.

I know he probably looked to me & our sons for 'Verification' and to allow him to be 'Part of a family as the Head'. That probably sounds awful, but's not meant to be.

Once WH became MD of the Company he was now, the Big Head, in his own right. But, I was still sick, and not paying him the attention he needs...........So the affair with OW, who showed him that attention.

The only problem, according to her STBX, she just wants the financial/status, not the man himself.

I really feel very sad for him, as my boys are so angry that right now they don't even want to speak to him - so the wheel turns, and he's repeating what happened between him and his father.

I know he feels as if he's the victim and was the neglected one.

And there's nothing I can do about that, he needs to go to Councilling to realise that, what he had Was a family, the security he was looking for.

But he lacks INTEGRITY, which for me is a Primary Character Trait, along with Honesty, Fairness, etc etc.

I can't lie, and have never been able to.

So even though I can understand, I can't accept what he's done. In time I will forgive him, but, I could never have him back.
I need those character traits, I need to know I'm safe, with the managing of my MS, I need someone to be strong enough to stand by me. Not someone who doesn't even have the respect to 'come clean'

You know what I wish I could do - win the Lotto and take away your financial issues.

My Background is Mechanical Engineering, but I then found I had a talent in the Contruction Industry and have for the past 20 years worked in that side.
I work on Hotels, Banks, Apartment Blocks etc. When the Client has appointed the Architect and Civil Engineer, I'm given the drawings to assess thei Design. Unfortunetly, both professions look at the building design and not the practicalities - that's my job.
Once that's been done, usually with much griping form 'them', I do a full quantity take off - like a quantity surveyor does - and give the Client an initial budget.
Once all's approved, I then do the purchasing/procurement of all the Finishing Items - Sanitaryware/Tiles/Lights/etc etc.
I then have this manufactured or delivered to the shipper. Then we programme the loading of the items according to the requirments on site.
I used to go up to the sites on a regular basis, but as the sites are in countries with iffy medical, I now send up people that are Site Managers, and do all the things via e-mail or cell phone.

Yes, I could get someone to do the drawings, or just keep irritating the Architect. And, yes I can still do the quantity take offs, but the main stress comes from the shipping as the laws in the different countries as well as the corruption is massive to deal with.
I tried staying out of it, but the chaos has been huge, so I promised my 1 good client that the next project - should there be 1 - I will do the shipping, but to understand not to yell at me!

I will have to take on 1 project at a time, for the money!

I also run the admin side of my Dad's business - he manufactures L.E.D. lights for heavy industry and airports. But he's 80, and has told me that at the end of the year, he either wants to sell, or if I'm well enough for me to take over completely. It's a smallish business and yes, I think I could manage everything, Except the new design work - I don't have a clue!
That's another bridge to cross

At least all this will keep me out of trouble - you never know what a soon to be single 50 year old could get up to!

i started having "issues" about 5 yrs ago. at first we had no idea what it was....i went thru alot of health issues after hubby's affair, so it all got kinda blurred together. as time went on and certain things went away, and others became more prevalent.....i kinda knew. docs of course have to rule out everything else in gods green earth so it took a few years. at first they were thinking auto immune (fibromyalgia), but then when i started having brain issues and my vision changed quickly and drastically...i knew. what i call brain issues was serious memory issues and just not being able to think. sometimes i mix up words...in my head the words come out in the right order...but not in real life. lol my son and i have had some seriously hysterical moments with this.....gotta keep laughing...

in the last year my eyes have changed drastically....well drastically for me. my balance is shot... the body issues i have are the fatigue...that kills me. the aches and pains....hence them thinking fibro for so long....sometimes my hands just dont work and get contorted looking. sometimes my legs and hips are just weak...i also get numbness on and off. thats the major stuff with some muscle spasms thrown in for good measure....
my doc has one more test to do....but he and i both know what the outcome is gonna be...we've ruled out everything else for gods sake..lol(last year i got soooo frustrated with all the testing and needles and doctor appts i actually said ENOUGH!!! I dont care what i have or if it kills me...i am done with the tests! and walked out....i know i have to go and do the mri...i agreed to do it this fall.)
i decided that whatever it was or is....i am not gonna stop doing what i love and living. another issue i have is i really can't take medication. its a long story but every time i was given a medication i have either almost died from it or have had the wonkiest side effects....so meds are out. so for right now i eat as healthy as i can.....give my body plenty of rest.....and listen to my body when it is telling me to slow down or stop. i also stay as stress free as i can...stress is a huge trigger for me.

so, thats my issues in a nutshell....wow....i dont think i have ever written that all out before! lol so i am at the beginning of this journey....

Hey Nikko
All of what you've 'felt' is what I have. My eyes are a big thing and that's how I was diagnosed. I lost my sight for about 8 hours.
I've got Optic Nerve damage to both eyes, so can't drive at night or have bright light near me - like at the theatre or clubs!
I have permenant loss of feeling in my right leg, arm and cheek as well as muscle atrophy. My right hand has become a laughing matter - drop everything.

But you know what girl - keep your head strong and your body - you can do it - I have and AM!

MRI's are ....yucky.... I've had 3.
1 was 1hr 20min
2nd was 3 hrs
3rd 1/2 hour
INSIST ON HEADPHONES, do some serious relaxation breathing and KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED.
It's loud - like an out of control jackhammer inside YOUR head.
Just think of me when you are inside - if I can do it - so CAN YOU!

If you're unsure about anything, maybe I can help, I've only been diagnosed for 3 1/2 years but as usual, I don't go for the ordinary - I go for Primary Progressive Stage 1 - like riding a bucking bronco!

bucking knuckleheads i'm use to...so i know i wont get that one! lol

i've already wrapped my mind around it all...it is what it is and i will not let it stop me. i just have to find a way to do some things differently...lol. like i said...i am surrounded where i live with western quarter horse people. so when i adopted the two saddlebreds they thought i had lost my mind. these horses are ex-amish cart horses. they drove on the roads carrying the family in a carriage about 30 miles a day. i figure if i need a bombproof horse...that doesnt rely on seat or leg cues....this was the way to go! lol i wasn't wrong....they are amazing. i can be on the road with an 18 wheel truck comming and they just plod along! i can control them with just voice commands or simple bit cues....and their personalities are amazing. so when i have no legs or end up non mobile at all...they will be my legs. i am going to keep up with their cart training also...that way if nothing else...they can pull me in a cart! thats the plan anyway....lol

your "job" sounds amazing....you've accomplished so much. and to be training for the para also...wow! i dont do dressage....i started saddleseat but i feel so weak doing it. darn saddle reminds me of a pringle potatoe chip!! i ride western. do some reigning. mostly ranch stuff and trail riding. i am using a barrel saddle at the moment and it gives me more stability on my weaker days. lol i just got another new saddle and am breaking it in now.

well i have to go feed all the critters....it was raining again earlier so they are all at the fence staring at the house....if i dont get out there soon they will be knocking on the back door!

Nikko

Meant to add

Your dizzyness and vertigo will be 'gone' for the time you are riding. If you are like me, I have a sclerosis near my right ear, which causes this.
So when I'm off my legs - and in the saddle, which uses my core - so this allows you freedom from that dreadful sea sickness feeling, for that time.

That's why I have 4 horses and ride for 1 - 1 1/2 hrs a day - just for the freedom of seeing things straight!

The other sclerosis is termed a Dawson's finger, which is a biggy, somewhere near the split in the 2 halves of the brain & I think that's the effect to my right side.

But you know what, you actually do get used to all the strange things that happen - & can cope - think of it as a challange

Oh - as a non drinker - a friend took me out and I had 2 strawberry d......ries - I actually walked straight afterwards - BUT not recommended - Your head the next day will be all the worse!

You really make me LAUGH! - Pringle Potatoe Chip - What a brilliant description - I love it!

I have to have a different saddle for each horse, because of their different builds. So I go from softish to quite hard and my poor (thin) butt gets more abused. It's already under duress from the injections for the MS!

I pity anyone who has the mis fortune of having to see it (my butt) - looks like a red/blue berry!

One thing about living in Africa - we have amazing people who are our grooms. The man who works for me, treats my horses like his own children. Very Pampered!
I am Oh so spoilt - I say - ....., please saddle x y or z - get dressed & go to the stables - and hey presto - there they are, waiting for me, beautifully groomed, with clean tack!

Even when my very tall chestnut gets himself into trouble in the stable - from hanging himself in his hay net to casting himself in the stable ...... is there - I'm useless - I have the panic attack & he deals with the problem.
...... has just returned from 6 weeks holiday with his family - when I saw him on Sunday morning, I started blubbering. I was SO HAPPY he was back!

Now I see that All the Blankets, Fly Fringes etc are piling up in the laundry to be washed - he likes everything clean and neat!

Oh but I love having him back!

well....i definately don't have the thin butt issue....lol

ok...you have a thin butt and stable hands and grooms...i'm not feeling one bit sorry for you anymore....LOLOLOLOL!!!!

i do it all and then some...i have even learned how to do some vet work.....i am it around here. a good day or week is when a few kids show up to help me out....in turn i let them ride.....which also helps me out....it is sometimes hard to exercise all three!!

if the sun comes out in a bit i am taking my neighbors daughter for a ride with me....she sits behind me and off we go....she is totally horse crazy but too little to go at it alone. in my pasture i will let her go alone but not out yet. i love riding with her. everything is NEW again through the eyes of a child....

and as far as the potatoe chip comment....i may joke but i wish i could ride as elegantly....lol

enjoy the day.....

(((nikko))) you will be in my prayers my dear, dear friend!