He has ben gone three months not a word out of him for two. I write letters, nothing not even a don't do it. He has not made contact with anyone in his family. When I plan for the future I think about if I have a job, insurance to cover S, a house, then he won't have an excuse to remain with her if he is feeling trapped. Why do I put myself through this torture! He told me to let go why am I so stubborn, how many times do I have to have it spelled out to me that he no long wants to have any contact with me or his children or his grandchildren??? I was at my uncle's funeral today. I sat watching his 10 year grandson crying. He was heartbroken they were very close. All I could think of was that my grandchildren won't even know their grandfather. He is taking that away from them. They will have no memories of him at all. Who will be crying for him. He has hurt ever one so much. His own parents are dealing with this like he has died. It definitely would be easier if that was the case. Why do I care? Why can't I go on, I making a new life why can't I face the fact that it will be without him and let go. He is definitely not the man I married and I'm not sure I would want to be married to the man he has become. So how do I let go and why can't I let go?????<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi SDS -<P>I am sorry that you are feeling so bad....and I know that you want this settled as soon as possible....limbo is definitely a terrible place!!! I think that it must be what purgatory is like!!<P>You are confused and don't know where your life is headed and don't like not being able to know or have control over what will happen.....been there and still am!!!<P>You have to look at the whole picture here.....First ask yourself if you love your husband? Then ask yourself if all the years together are worth you having to be in limbo for a while?<P>When comparing how long it took to lead up to H doing this with the 3 months he has been living his fantasy.....is it really that long of a time?<P>The only way that you have a chance of getting through this with your sanity intact and with as little misery as is possible (not much difference but definitely some) is to realize that he is deep in this fantasy.....it is not real.!!!<P>Think about it....no way would a non-delusional person be able to change his personality and throw away all those people in his life that he loves and that love him......<P>That's the fantasy part....they're tired of life being so hard or mundane and talked themselves into this ridiculousness!!!!<P>He will wake up.....his conscience will make sure to win the battle!!!<P>The worse part is that we never know how long that will take!!! That is where your strength comes in.<P>What is the big rush in letting go....<P>Do you want to run right out and date or something? You can make this limbo a time of growth for yourself....do what you need to do to survive and live the way you want.....he can catch up later!!<P>Keep up with the weekly family updates..they do make an impact whether he responds or not!!! They keep some form of reality in his thoughts....that is the best thing that you can do!!!<P>Lower your expectations.....then you won't feel so let down when you get nothing from him!!!<P>All of this takes time.....you can not rush it - all you can do is ride it out and be ready with your emotions about all of it so that when he wakes up you will know what it is you need to do then.<P>You have a lot of things to be doing within this time...use it to your advantage!!! The strength you gather will come in handy to help him when he figures out just what he has done.<P>Hope this helps you some!!<P>HUGS and Strength,<P>Sheba<P>

Sheba, I can benefit from your advice, too. I think the most important things you said were:<P>1) Work on self (I am doing good at that part)<BR>2) Lower your expectations so you won't get hurt (I am doing TERRIBLE at this part).<P>I keep setting myself up by all these unrealistic expectations that I have.<P>Intersting thing, and this might be helpful to you, too, SDS. Last night, H and I each drew a time-line of the last 2 years. It pointed out one thing - it took my H 1 1/2 years to "kill" off his love for me, so why are H and I expecting to get it back in such short order? I am going to post a thread about this and see if others have insight.<BR>Just a thought about unrealistic expectations in my case...<P>Roll Me Away

Thanks Sheba and Rool me away, I have been working on my self. He has been in this fantasy land for a year now. The affair started Sept 98. It just so frustrating not to know anything!!!! I haven't really thought about dating. I don't know anyone to even think about! I guess the no cantact from him is getting me down. I know part of this is the midlife crisis thing and I know that OW is going to keep a good hold on him he is too good to pass up. Probably the first time she has ever been treated so good. I do know I have so many problems dealing with the fact he can just walk out and never look back at his family. I know this fantasy world he is living in is causing this. I think of it as a reality breakdown. I keep telling myself it will take time. And I am trying to keep to my timeline for plan A. Some days I even wonder if I can take him back after the hurt and pain he caused not just to me but to everyone in his family. I start a part-time job tomorrow, I'm planning a new career and working toward that, I am in counseling, I am working on losing even more weight. Sometimes when I come here I am envious of all of hose who have any contact good or bad with their spouses. You see we did so much together. I am a worry wort. Alway have been probably always will be. I'm just not as bad as I use to be, but I worry a lot about the future, dealing with life without him. I guess going to my uncle's funeral really got me down. Sorry to dump on you all. Thanks for letting me do it though.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I can definitely relate to what all of you are saying. It seems that having the patience to weather the storm is the hardest part. I find that my most difficult times are a result of sinking into despair and wanting it to just be over. It becomes obssessive. It's all you can think about. Getting out of the pain. It can be overwhelming. It's the same with my H and me. This crisis didn't happen overnight. And it won't be resolved overnight. But, that's very hard to accept when you are in excrutiating pain. I have done soooo much reading since this broke. Men's midlife crisis is something they and only they can resolve. We didn't break it, so we cannot fix it. This is so hard on women as we have been taught that it is up to us to fix everything. All we can do is stand by and watch them self-destruct or possibly make the passage in tact. This site has been so helpful. Thanks, all of you, for providing your thoughts and advice. It is a lifline!!

SDS, I can relate to alot of what you are saying and feeling. Have you, like me, really wrapped your life around your S? I think those of yus who have done that have a lot harder time letting go. I know I am. Also, and I haven't figure thhis out at all - how do you work on letting go of the marriage that you WANT TO SAVE!?!?<P>I am glad you are starting the new career.That is AWESOME! I am betting that as you begin to have some success at a new venture, you will feel really proud of yourself. <P>I see my H some, but there is a down side to that, too. H is nice, but cold and distant, and not "normal". That is very hurtful, too. So, eahc way - with or without contact has its ups and downs.<P>Do you have trouble feeling comfortable doing things alone? I do. I have tried to do 2 things. First, when I am down, I only think about TODAY. The future is too uncertain, and when down I can't deal with it. Also, Each week, I plan some activity to get myself out of the house -n dinner with friends or movie or something. This past weekend, I took 3 yo granddaughter to aquarium - 2 hoursaway. This is NOT something I fel comfortable doing - goind places like that without other adults or H. Made myself do it. Had a little fun. Always feel self-conscious being a woman out in sight-seeing places, restaurants or movie alone.<P>Keep trying and focus on today if that is the best you can do right now. You have friends here. This place is keeping me from brning out my other friends who are probably sick and tired of me and my problems!<P>Let me know if today turns out OK for you. I will be offline soon, but check back tonight.<P>Roll Me Away

SDS- we have even more in common. My H's affair also began in September, 1998!!

Ok, what was it about last fall? I think my H first had in person contact with the OW in early October, but I am pretty sure telephone contact began in September, 98 also. <P>I was reading a book on Bipolar disorder, and in so many ways it described him - apparently a lot of people with this disorder never become so manic that you'd notice - but the irritability, the anger at others, the impulsivity all sound so familiar.<P>I used to read the posts on the midlife crisis site that someone had mentioned, but they are so depressing. Someone there said she had been there 1.5 years, and only a couple of couples got back together. Why does this take so much longer at midllife, and why do they often seem to be so much more likely to go full steam ahead toward divorce than younger betrayers?

Nellie1 I know what you mean about it being so depressing. It almost seems like there is no hope if you are in a midlife crisis. <BR>What is bipolar disorder. I think our H have a lot in common, so I am curious as to what you have found. Maybe they go so fast because they feel they have so little time left. They think they have so much left to do. I don't know. <BR>Sidney, I know. Well at least we can give each other support because we know what the other is going through and how we feel.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

SDS,<BR>Bipolar disorder is another name for manic-depression. Apparently Bipolar II, where the mania is "hypomania" is more common than full-blown mania. In retrospect, I can identify at least two other periods of 2-3 years when I think my H was suffering from depression.

Thanks Nellie1. I am going to see if I can find some information on it. Where did you find your information? I know H has been very depressed we talked about it a lot and he had started on med just before discovery. Maybe that would explain some of his behavior.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I found a great deal of info about bi-polar disorder on <A HREF="http://www.mentalhelp.net" TARGET=_blank>www.mentalhelp.net</A> <BR>Essentially, the disorder seems to run in families and usually is triggered by stress. According to this website, the diagnosis is often missed by healthcare providers, even family and friends. It is treatable with medication. I have always suspected that something was wrong mentally when this affair was first revealed. His mother is a full-blown wacko!! Unfortuneately, his idiot-therapist convinced him he didn't need any drugs -- that his depression was "normal" under the circumstances. He comes across as very articulate, (and sane) to those who do not know him. He is a master at suppressing his real feelings. Yet, I do think that he knows there is something wrong with him. Even though he will not seek treatment on his own, he expressed gratitude to me when I suggested he continue seeing a therapist. I am switching to a HMO next year that will provide mental health benefits. This comes with additional financial sacrifice at a time when I am weathering a cut in pay. It always seems that when it rains, it pours!!!!<P>Good luck to you all. Hope this website helps.

Thanks Sidney, I went to the web site doesn't really fit my H, however I am going to send it to my sister. It sounds a lot like her son. He has ADD. and this might explain someother things also it sounds like her EX. I think my H has depression, but there were too many symptons that he doesn't have. I guess he is just in a huge midlife crisis. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>