what aspect do you mean, Hold?


SF is a top need for both my H and I.
but, when we first started exploring our needs we thought we had very different ideas of what we thought SF meant to the other...........the more we explore.....the more we find they are the same.

we both want to feel desired,
above all others.
i see this in Dilbert's posts too.
he desires his wife and he wants his wife to desire him the same way.
once we feel that desire, it becomes about so much more than just sex.

and it makes 'just sex' so much better, when there isn't time for much else.

<small>[ January 27, 2004, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by holdingontoit:
<strong> Kasey:

Brilliant! Excellent! Marvellous!

You have captured one very important aspect of the allure. Well done. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what can I say...I have only too much empathy for the problem and too much practice being so seduced <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

What am i missing here?

what is the "one very important aspect" that i am missing?

I don't know nelly but if I were to hazzard a guess it would go something along the lines of having your sexual ego's wired to different things.

Kayla asked a question on this thread a few days ago of the men and no one answered. I was too busy to post at the time but I listened to her question and the thought that crossed my mind was ego.

Both women and men have egos and sexual egos. They are evidently not wired to the same things.

exactly.
now, i get ya, kasey.
i have been trying to say the same thing thruout this thread.
i understood what kayla was saying.

it is similar to what i said about realizing we both wanted to feel desired above others. perhaps i should have added... tuned in to our individual lovers needs and desires...
sometimes, i don't think men realize that women have those doubts too.

<small>[ January 27, 2004, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

some do but what is a man supposed to do about a woman's doubts? What is a woman supposed to do about a man's doubts?

realizing is nice but in other ways it's just more stress about something beyond one's own control. We may have influence but we do not have the power to choose another's fears and anxieties and for that matter to choose to let go of them or to outgrow them. Realizing in many ways just puts us in the uncomfortable position of having a target for our frustration but no power to deal with or change it.

i understand what you are saying, kasey.

i feel like i have seen a light at the end of the tunnel here.

but, it does need continous nurturing .......and sometimes, just the thought of that feels overwhelming or boring............i think that is why Harley is so adamant about the 15 hours a week.

once my husband shared some of his insecurities and doubts w/ me....it freed me of some the pressure i had put on myself......but, that was just a first step....and, i honestly don't know where/if it ends.

i guess it is a journey.
when i decided to take the ride, i was actually in a very selfish mode (sexually). i was annoyed at him for being able to have orgasms w/ me so easily w/o the intimacy.........i felt like i could have been anyone.......i felt like i had wasted myself on him.
i think i started allowing myself to think more like a man(sexually).....and it worked...and oddly enough, he started feeling the intimacy too.

now, we are someplace alltogether different.

but, life still gets in the way.....and i see new changes ahead of us.

<small>[ January 27, 2004, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kasey1:
<strong>Kayla asked a question on this thread a few days ago of the men and no one answered.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nelly:
<strong> What am i missing here?

what is the "one very important aspect" that i am missing? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I took Hold's post to be referencing Kasey's point that people in porn have no worries. It's part of the allure -- no worries, just good sex.

But hey, what do I know? I'm no one.

well, that makes sense too.

like a constant vacation. but, after awhile, i think that would get boring too.
i suppose that is when it(the porn use)can get dangerous.

<small>[ January 27, 2004, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kasey1:
<strong>realizing is nice but in other ways it's just more stress about something beyond one's own control. Realizing in many ways just puts us in the uncomfortable position of having a target for our frustration but no power to deal with or change it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes yes yes. Kasey, you sure are on a roll in this thread.

Sometimes realizing WHY something occurs helps both spouses deal with it. Sometimes, knowing that the problem is not about you helps you have patience. Other times, the truth just confirms why the other person is unlikely to ever meet your need, and why (since it is NOT about you) there is nothing you can do to affect that.

Thus honesty, although necessary in marriage, is nevertheless risky.

Hold - Yes, the truth can be risky, but I would have preferred to know the truth of why my W abandoned me BEFORE she left. Now I know the truth and my hands are tied. She doesn't KNOW that I KNOW what I KNOW - how ironic. If I had the complete truth about her past abuse I would have made every effort to deal with it. I was totally in the dark the duration of our M.

Yes, the truth will set us free, but only as we allow it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurting Promise Keeper:
<strong>If I had the complete truth about her past abuse I would have made every effort to deal with it. I was totally in the dark the duration of our M.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even if you did have the truth earlier, it is not YOU who has to deal with it. She does. Perhaps you could have made it easier for her. Perhaps not.

So don't torture yourself with thoughts of "if only I had known, things would be different." It is entirely possible that even if you had behaved differently, your wife would have nevertheless made the same choice. To NOT deal with an issue she finds painful.

Hold - truer words were never spoken! My counselor recently dealt with me on that issue, as I shared with Stunned-Dad yesterday on the "Spouse is the Other Person" thread. You might check that out and perhaps it will ease your pain a little also.