Dear marriagebuilders,

I desperately need help :

For the past two years my wife was helping her cousin and her boyfriend with their daughters, mostly being a babysitter.

Last year her cousin literally ran off and left her boyfriend (Illegal Immigrant) and two daughters. My wife continued to help him with the children.

I suspected things had changed between them about four months ago when she started spending Mondays and Fridays at his house watching the kids while he was at work and staying over there for 2-4 hours after he got home. She told me that she needed a friend and he also was a "smoke buddy" (marijuana). She also stopped letting me see her cell phone, keeping it clutched in her hand 24-7 and when I could look, it was always clean(no saved in our outgoing texts/call history). She also started dressing slightly "better" when going out to his home.

I initially told her this made me uncomfortable, but she said she was just helping out a good friend, and this was a way for her to have kids back in her life. We have a 7yr old son, but she has always wanted more(for him and for her sake) but our marriage has been rocky for quite some time(mostly over parenting issues) so I have been unwilling to have more children.

For the last two months I started outright questioning her behavior, which would cause her to either shut me out or have her scream that she wasn't doing anything with this guy. It got so bad I moved to a friends house. I came home last week and found messages she was translating (english -> spanish) "You are the love of my life papi, always remember that." and I confronted her.

She admitted that it was more than friends but nothing had happened, not even a kiss. So I told her to break it off. She was watching the kids that day so I stayed outside of his home until he arrived and witnessed a tearful "goodbye" along with holding and some kissing.

When I met her at home she admitted to the kiss (she knew I had witnessed this) but still says thats as far as things went.

I really need some help in knowing where to go from here. I love her dearly and she "broke down" pretty hard once or twice saying she is sorry.

I have told her that I want communications with him stopped, but she still wants to see his kids (they are her nieces). And she initially wanted to keep seeing their father (just as friends). I feel terribly uncomfortable with all of it, especially since I had to catch her in the act before she admitted and changed behavior.


Can you give me some advice on where to go from here? What type of counseling should I be looking for?*



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More info for those who really want to know and offer help:




*During the week I was out of the house(before I caught her) I did see a counselor, who told me that my wife was most likely being honest about the whole deal and I was unreasonable to act the way I did. He seemed very permissive and forgiving of the suspected behavior, and I have a deep, deep fear that if we pick a couples counselor and they take this lightly things could turn out very bad. How can I find good help?

Additional info:

My wife's father died when she was about 7. He wasn't a good father, and her mother is emotionally abusive. Basically she has had no good influence or remodel for having a close and trusting relationship. My wife is explosive when she is angry, which is often. I on the other hand remain calm almost to a fault. I have been diagnosed ADD and Asperger's. I have a difficult time expressing emotion as well as a terrible time reading others. I also know I am not the most outwardly loving father, but I do my best to raise a good son, show him love and make sure he feels safe and secure.

My wife always wanted a particular type of father for her children, as well as multiple children, but she didn't express these thoughts to me until our son was born and she never really sat me down and expressed them, rather she explodes and screams things such as : "you are a terrible father", "the worst father I know", "I wanted more children", "our son needed/needs siblings".

When she is calm she retracts all those hurtful words, but she has recently expressed that for many years she considered that I didn't love her (else I would have given her more children).

Welcome to MB. Your WW is indeed having an affair. First to your question about MC. Yes, you are correct that most counselors are not worth paying for. I suggest you call the MB counseling center and get a PLAN to save your marriage going. Get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley.

May I ask where is your son when your WW is watching OM's children? Where are OM's children while he and your WW are getting high?

Would you say you are "high functioning" despite having these 2 diagnoses?

BTW, I completely agree with your decision to not bring more children into a dysfunctional marriage.

How often does your wife get high?
Do you get high with her?

Yes, I am quite successful in the software development area, but I have an awful time reading people. Even if a friend of 10+ years gets upset I can't tell *how* upset.

I can't stand that stuff,makes me sick and feel awful, but I do smoke cigarettes.

She used to smoke with another cousin once or twice a month, but that ended due to some really bad family conflict which she just removed herself from.

The last few months were summer break for my son, so he was either with me or grandparents. His kids are (almost 2) and 3.5 years old, so they are asleep or watching TV, either way they are oblivious.

Excellent !



You can develop tools for this sort of thing:
"On a scale of 10, 10 being REALLY upset, how upset are you?"

Because you don't read non-verbal clues well, you need to rely on getting verbal confirmation in situations where you are not sure.

Your wife is going to be sneaking around behind your back to see OM.
You cannot rely on what she says to be truthful.

What sort of pressure can you put on OM?
Does he work?
He is an illegal, correct?
Does he have a criminal record?
Does he grow/sell marijuana?

In other words, WHERE do you think OM is vulnerable?

Don't forget the possible threat of calling CPS on him for getting high while caring for his children.

I bumped a thread for you.
It's called
DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

Please, take time to read this link I just posted.

Start documenting.
Keep this away from your wife and OM.

You just might need it in the future.

During the times I suspected I asked her to talk to her family and friends, she responded in angry outbursts that "I can't talk to my family" or "If *you* talk to my family, consider the marriage over".

Now that she has admitted the affair (She still doesn't like to admit that is what it was), she still doesn't want me sharing this with anyone.


I can see reasons to keep it quiet and reasons to get others involved.

Knowing she has reacted greatly to this in the past, now that we seem to be starting down a recovery, what should I do?

Get this man deported. Problem solved.

And yes, you need to expose. She doesn't want you to expose because she's trying to protect their relationship. She knows exposure will do damage to the relationship. Therefore, she threatens you with divorce if you expose. She's manipulating you. Take the power back.

You are NOT starting down a recovery. You need to get NC established for LIFE and get her through withdrawal first. I guarantee you she continues to try and sneak around w/ OM. That's what exposure is for. Oh, and she's definitely slept w/OM, so don't let her words fool you.

She has admitted to it now, I told her not to see him, but she desperately wants to stay involved with the girls...

HELP!

She it extremely emotional and I suspect that if I "put my foot down." she will respond very badly.

I've told her that I *WANT* to remove him from the situation, either by her stopping or me doing what it takes to make him go away. (legally make him go away)

I also stopped by his house the other day, and told him that there is to be no more contact from him to my wife. And that I will protect my family.

I still feel that she hasn't slept with him.. his girlfriend/her cousin, was sleeping with lots and lots of men.

I find it hard to imagine her putting herself at such risk for STD's when he hasn't had a test himself.

BUT


If she did... How can I get her to finally admit it and let me help her?

JF,

First things first: stop being afraid of your wife�s anger. This is paralyzing for most betrayed husbands and it is frustrating since the answers to your questions are really simple. Infidelity isn�t a complicated thing. It really isn�t.

Your wife is addicted to another person. The other person must be taken out of your marriage in order for you to succeed.

Now, if you believe that nothing has gone on sexually, then I have a bridge to sell you. Stop the denial. They�ve had sex. Her emotional attachment to this guy is a big indicator.

What do you need to do? You have her own admission, so it�s not a secret. You must expose to her family and anyone who can put pressure on the marriage. You also need to report the man to ICE.

These aren�t things you need to debate. They�re things you MUST do to have any chance of saving your marriage.

Also, you should contact CPS immediately to have your child placed under your sole care and to have him reported for doing drugs around his children.

But sitting around in fear isn�t going to get you anywhere with your wife. Neither will appeasing her. The only way to move ahead is to do something, which is all hard to do and will make her angry.

Finally, stick to one thread. If you jump around, then people will have a hard time following your story and the advice you�ve received.

Trust me when I say your wife has slept with this man....probably more then you think!!

THE ONLY way for you to save this marriage is if you expose this affair, the reason why she is threatening you saying "if you tell my family the marriage is over" is because she still wants to see the OM. Affairs thrive on secrecy the longer you wait to expose the longer you are enabling her to do it.

The reason I know the affair is NOT over is because she still wants to see him and the girls in order to have a healthy marriage after an affair is NO CONTACT FOR LIFE! EVER, even his girls! She CAN NOT see them OR TALK to them.

This is what I would do...

Install a keylogger
Gather all the information you can on the affair
Expose to EVERYONE
Family, friends, co-workers, his family etc...
Start working on plan A have you read on it yet?

you have NO hope if she is still in contact, and exposing the Affair will KILL IT instantly!

My husband never exposed my first affair, and guess what happened? 2 months later I found another man, so expose it while you can!

Because she desperately wants to stay involved with him. She can't be involved with the girls as long as he is in the picture (i.e. in this country).


She's respond badly? Well, then you better just alow this affair to continue. (sarcasm) Who cares if she will be angry? Are you a big wuss? Then stand up for yourself. If you don't "put your foot down" she'll continue to screw OM.


Obviously you don't want it that bad, because if you did, he'd already be out of the country by now.


Idle threat. He knows you won't back it up. You haven't up until this point.

Believe it. And protect yourself. Did you think your WW was going to have an affair in the first place? Now she's lying to protect her affair. Most waywards believe if there was no sex, then continuing the relationship is okay, especially to outsiders. But if she admits it is sexual, then that's not the case. If she claims it wasn't sexual, then she can just tell her parent's "he's a friend" and think she can get away with it. If she told them "he's by ****-buddy," she knows they will pressure her to cut off contact. She's been screwing him. Otherwise, OM would have quickly lost interest and moved on. Trust me, she's putting out for him.


You won't get her to admit it unless you confront her with pictures or you establish NC with him and she admits it several months later in marriage counseling.