My husband of 16 yrs had an emotinoal affair with a woman at work about 3 years ago. He never admitted to it but I know that's what it was. He claimed it was just a friendship but he met with her every day for smoke breaks multiple times a day. They discussed things that were way over the line. Like her problems with her marriage. Her husband drank a lot and ended up in jail for dui.
I thought it was over but I found out he never stopped talking to her. I feel devestaded and foolish. Lately he has been yelling at me over little things and calling me names in front of our daughter. I don't know what to do about this. I can't talk to him about it. He refuses to listen to me.

I would say forget about how is treating you and start working on changing your relationship, watch the movie Fireproof and follow the plan there and you alone can turn things around......you guys just sound a little lost, it's not to late and one person can turn things around.....if your relationship is good, he won't want to spend time with anyone else.....If you love him and want your marriage to work then be serious and fall in love all over again........don't tell him what you are doing just watch for signs that he is changing ............You can tell him that it hurts you that he is having a personal relationship with another woman and you wish that he would stop, tell him you love him. Tell him you are willing to work with him to fix what is missing for him......good luck

Did that, thought things were good and found out he has been talking to her the whole time. I feel like I am starting all over again from square one and that all my efforts were for nothing. I want to bring up counceling, but I am afraid it will be received negatively.

Bonster, if he scares you so much that you can't ask him to end all contact with this woman, then I would say you have a bigger problem on your hands, which is abuse. This sounds like an abusive situation.

Does your husband have a drinking problem?

What is he doing with this woman? Have you snooped on his emails? What about his cell phone log? What is your evidence of an affair?

He doesn't drink. He refuses to accept that he did anything wrong. In his mind I am the one with the problem, not him.

There is no evidence of an affair. He only talks to her at work. He is the one who told me about their conversations. He never realized or admitted that he crossed the line with her emotionally. Can anyone suggest a good counceler? I think it's time to see one. I can't get over this thing no matter how much time goes by.

Have you asked him to end all contact with her?

The Harleys offer phone counseling that has proven very effective for many of us here. You can click on the link at the top.

Yes, I have asked him to end the friendship. He doesn't think he should because he feels he did nothing wrong.

If he knows how much it hurts you then he is choosing to hurt you. That is the problem. It is his thoughtless, cruel behavior. It doesn't matter if he did or didn't do anything wrong, but he has HURT YOU and he doens't care about that.

I would take a look at this article, Bonster. It is about a woman whose husband refused to meet her needs and she was miserable. She followed Dr Harleys suggestions and turned her marriage around: When to Call it Quits

Bon:

Call the Other Womans husband, and have a chat with him.

See what HE thinks about these conversations.

LG

Do you have children with this husband?

I did leave a note on her car a couple years ago telling her that I thought the friendship was inappropriate and that is why I told my husband to end the friendship with her. The fact he hasn't makes me look like a total moron.

Hi Bonster2010
I usually don't post but when I read your post I have to tell you to listen to the vets, they know there MB!! The same thing happened to me and I was totally where you ar right now. BE STRONG!!! Gather as much info and EXPOSE them both. I installed a program called webwatcherdata.com and also had my husband take a polygraph test, which he passed. He was transferred to another job location and does not have to see or talk to that SkankyHO anymore. We have both read HNHN,Surving an Affair & Love Busters. We have done the EN questionaires & POJA is in place. We get stronger every day. We will be celebrating our 25th Anniversay on the 24th August. Dont let fear get in your way and fight for you marriage.So snoop you heart out or get a polygraoh test for a piece of your mind!! Then go from there !! Good Luck your in my prayers.
Gracie

Thanks Gracie! I am finally going to ask him about seeing a counceler, hopefully tonight. Pray that I am strong enough to talk to him about it. Men usually don't like to admit when something is wrong and especially do not like asking for help. Or at least that is how it is with my husband.

Bonster, I would be careful about getting into counseling. Marriage counseling has an 84% failure rate and can actually be harmful to marriages. You will likely be told to just accept your husbands "relationship." Your typical MC doesn't have the slightest idea about the dynamics of infidelity and how affairs start.

How will you feel if a MC tells your H is ok to maintain his relationship and you need to get over it? That is a risk you take.

A better solution would be to get marriage COACHING from the Harleys like gracielee did. I would try and get him on the phone with one of the Marriage Builders coaches. They are going to tell him to LOSE the relationship in no uncertain terms. Steve Harley can be very persuasive and could talk to him about getting rid of this woman. That would take the heat off you.

How about my Pastor? I did talk to him about this when I found out about it. I think he might be able to help.

Well, pastors aren't trained to save marriages. In fact, they come to Marriage Builders for their own marriages.

We had a long talk on Sunday about his affair. He finally admitted that what he did was wrong and that he got close to her because he wasn't getting enough attention from me. The problem is that he has been talking to her for the past 2 years even though I told him to end the friendship and not talk to her at all. He tells me he loves me and that we are better than ever, but he still talks to her. How can I trust him if he refuses to let her go? How do I know what he said isn't just lip service like it was before?

He agrees to complete No Contact with her for life. He writes her a No Contact letter that you approve and send to her.

Anything short of that, and he is just paying lip service.

If he is serious about recovery, he will go No Contact. If he refuses, then he wants to keep her in his life to continue filling Emotional Needs that only YOU should be filling.

Ask for a NC letter - his response will tell you all you need to know.

That will be the only thing that will get me to trust him. I think I already know the answer if I do ask him that. He already told me that it's too hard to avoid her and that he doesn't want to be her "enemy" by not talking to her.
He works in the same company but accross the street from her office. He macs money from the mac machine right outside her office every day to buy cigarettes. I don't think there is any reason for him to talk to her about anything but work and that is only if he is directly rquired to talk to her.