I think I will feel better after writing this even if no one reads it as I haven't talked about my situation with ANYONE!

I have been with my husband for 10 years. Everything has been so great. A relationship full of love, respect, trust, commitment everything that I could have wanted. Almost 4 years ago, my husband had to work out of state for a month at a time. According to him, after a huge fight with his coworker brother he wasn't able to go back to the his brothers house because of it. A female coworker told him that he could stay at her place for the night. One thing led to another and... you know. This woman had also been sleeping with his brother around the same time frame. So, somehow in that week an innocent baby boy was created.

After the work out of state ended we resumed our normal life, I was unaware of the A. We brought our D into the world about a year after the A. I didn't find out about it until my D was 3 months old. It took a long time to digest and I felt horrible, but I believed him when he said it was an accident and that it really didn't mean anything. I decided to stay with him and work it out. Even trying to befriend the OW. I wanted it to somehow be a peaceful situation. I didn't want to take my D father away from her, and I didn't want to walk away from the relationship we had. I haven't told a sole. Not my sisters, not my best friends, nobody. I can't even tell my daughter that the boy might be her brother. I have been saying he is her cousin. I guess I just don't want to accept it. No DNA test has ever been performed, but he looks like my H. And she seems confident that it is his.

So now dealing still with resentment and trying to get past it all. I want to know how. How do I get past it when there is a constant reminder in this boy who's life we are trying to be a part of? How do I tell my family and my D? I am stuck in my recovery....

Hi and welcome. So sorry you are here. First and foremost, you MUST do a DNA test. There are many, private online companies that can offer you results in as little as 4 days.

Secondly, if you are going to have contact, you cannot lie to your DD. She has to be told the truth.

Do read and work through the MB principles to recover your marriage.

Thank you so much for your input. I think you are right! I feel like I don't want to tell my daughter that he is her brother if I don't know for sure, and now that I think of it, That is why I am stalled in my recovery.. THANK YOU!

DNA is a must. It could be your BIL's baby as far as you know! I hope you haven't been giving the OW money. Please, please get LEGAL DNA done.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but I'm glad you found MB



An accident is knocking over a glass of milk at a friend's house. An accident is stubbing your toe while running down the stairs. Falling and putting your penis inside another woman is NOT an accident. And I'm sure this wasn't just sex. No one has one night with no place to sleep, crashes on a friend's couch and winds up having sex with them.

There was a build up and escalation to this affair. Over time your husband built a relationship with this woman and made it ok - in his head - for him to sleep with her.

You will not recover until you find out what that switch was that was flipped and he un-flips it. You will not recover until he admits that this wasn't a horrible accident, this was an active CHOICE. He CHOSE to sleep with another woman. It didn't JUST HAPPEN.

You will not recover until he changes the behavior that enabled him to sleep with a woman not his wife. Getting 'over it' is not recover, it is just setting you up for another affair when he has to go to x,y,z for business. Recovery involves accepting the act, realizing what caused it, and putting in to place precautions to ensure it NEVER happens again.

Feeling bad isn't enough. Feeling sorry isn't enough.

ACTION is the only thing that will recover an affair.

As he has a child with this woman (supposedly - you need DNA on this) and you seem to have decided to maintain contact with this woman, you ABSOLUTELY must ensure he NEVER contacts her, never speaks to her, never hears her voice, never sees her. Or the affair will just happen all over again. Your marriage will NEVER recover as long as she is in your life - because the affair will never end. Not one marriage here has ever recovered if there is contact. Not a one.

Please read Dealan-de's story.

I'm sorry you're here, but welcome.

dna test

Wow! This has been so helpful.

faithful follower: No we haven't given any money, and she hasn't asked for it either. We just have tried to build a relationship with the boy so he doesn't feel abandoned.

Vibrissa: OUCH! But, thank you. I spoke with my H today and we have agreed that there is not reason for him to have contact or any sort of relationship. He really isn't seeking one with her, the only contact they have had is when they arrange the visitation and I usually go with him to pick him up. BUT, seeing them even talking to each other does make me cringe. I feel so empowered with this decision and motivated.

DNA test to definitely follow ASAP.

Thank you again for all of your input. I wish I had found this website 3 years ago.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this all alone. I'm sure it's been it's own kind of He77. The people here understand what it is you are going through.

I agree - no financial support without a DNA test. However, if you decide to go the No Contact route with the child, that is a valid choice to make as well, and often it is one that is healthier for your children.


I'm sorry you've had to experience this. I'm sure you feel guilty for feeling this way, you WANT to trust your husband. You don't WANT to cringe when they see each other.

But this is how you SHOULD feel. This woman is a known predator, a confirmed danger to your family. Trust that feeling you're getting. You're telling yourself she isn't safe, because she ISN'T. Your husband probably has good intentions. He probably doesn't WANT to resume his affair, but every time they see each other it makes it easier and easier.

The BEST defense against a repeat affair is also the BEST way to raise your family: a strong, loving, happy marriage. MB can give you that. Get the books His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters, and Surviving an Affair for good measure. Read through them together. Even if your marriage is good now, MB can make it better.

2bhpy,

Please get the DNA test, I'm an OC and although everyone knew who my father was, it was an open secret, I wish I had gotten a DNA test to either verify or exonerate my biological father.

My biological father would only say that his parentage was a define possibility, and while my Mother always said that OM was my father, there is still a 0.1% of doubt.

In your case since the doubt is so much higher I would strongly urge you to DNA test since not only can it exonerate your husband, but it will, hopefully identify the real father.

God Bless
Gamma

2bhpy,
I agree w/ the others, a DNA test is a priority! Do not give this woman any $$$. I also would not try and befriend her. I admire the fact that you 2 felt the need to be there for the child, but sure wish you would have waited. What if the boy is not his, will you 2 continue to be there for this child?

I am a FOW, but to sleep w/ 2 brothers. Eeewww, nasty!