I think you are getting it with respect to expectations. Great expectations are placed on all of us at times, not just step dads. Many times they conflict.

One example, many women want their men to be both sensitive, and tough, and sometimes both at times when you can't be both at once.

Men want their women to be June Cleaver and pick your favorite bombshell at the same time. (I'm thinking Angelina Jolie as DW and I went out to see Salt last night.)

Right now, I'd just be happy if the kids put the dishes in the dishwasher, rather than piling them in the sink. Yet some days, even that's too much to expect

Hmm this puts A LOT of things in perspective! I feel let down a lot of the time, and this explains the frustration and resentment. Great Expectations.

If you have no expectations then no resentment, however, when you feel as though your getting a one way relationship (you are putting in all the effort and nothing back) then I suppose you need to communicate your boundaries and the rest is upto them!

PS. Right now I'd be happy if my DH smiled at me, let alone met my EN's

Hitch,

Sit your H down and talk with him. Seek out his opinions on things: counseling, how you are doing, what he has learned, explain to him what you are learning, and how you see yourself changing.

These are deep conversations on one level but they are conversations that don't require him to defend himself. As he learns he can speak with you without defending, you will gain more information.

Oddly, this is what we are seeking with you as well. You made a huge mistake, but oddly you being defensive about it (remember how Saddest got landed on for her defensiveness), actually with threaten your H.

He needs to make changes but you need to show/teach him how to change without changing the core you. What you will soon see if you have not already is that YOU are not changing, but your perspectives are changing and the tools for handling things are being added to your tool box.

As you go along your H will find that you don't need him to change but his perspective on marriage, you, and how he handles things should change.

Does this make sense?

JL

The doctor assures me that there will be no permanent damage from the concussion.

Hitch -- I'm cheering for you! Read back through your thread and IMO you are seriously underestimating how strong you are.

I was reflecting on my boundary issues the other day and I got this mental image of myself, looking my best with my best smile on my face, charming and exuding confidence, holding out my hand and saying, "Hi, I'm _______. Who would you like me to be today?"

For some reason that image really tickled me. I hope it stays in my brain -- humor always sticks with me longer than anything.

Thought you might empathize....

Saddest,

So is the double vision about gone?

How are you seeing things these days?

JL

JL,

I do need to sit down with H and have a discussion. I suppose at the moment it has been nice because he has been staying in a lot more, spending time with me and not staying out the night, so I have just been enjoying that and also focusing on myself. However, I can�t ignore what is happening so I need to open up the lines of communication. I will pick my time over the next week (see how nervous I am!!).

We had such a lovely evening last night watching �Good Will Hunting�. It was funny because at the end, when Will leaves his home and job to go find the girl, my H said, where is he off to, is he off to find a new job? I just started laughing and said �DH that is so you, always about work, he is off to find the girl�!! He laughed with me too. Also one point in the film, when the girl tells Will she loves him, and he can�t tell her he loves her back (even though he does). My H then said, �how emotionally inept�, again we both laughed (my DH could never tell me he loved me and I need that).

So yes, it is time for me to have a deep conversation without him having to defend himself, bit apprehensive though, however feel the fear and do it anyway. I really need to make him aware that I am not trying to change HIM, just his perspective on marriage and the way he handles things.

Saddest,

Thanks for your support, I do feel like I have grown a lot over the last few weeks and in some ways I wish I knew these things before I got married! However, no time like the present, whatever your age�

I like your 2nd personality person Paul �the voice� your color commenting friend. I have this too, I haven�t given him a name yet, I just recognize it and tell him off a lot more! Also, you saying to your self �who do I want to be today?� that�s so funny. Never lose your sense of humour.

All I can say is your kids are really lucky to have you as a Mother, because now you have learnt about boundaries, and what makes a good marriage and how to conduct yourself, you can help them learn all this stuff too��

Thanks all, Hitch

Hitch,

Whatever you do DON'T

say "Dear we need to talk." I doubt there is a man on this planet for which that phrase doesn't strike fear in his heart. No matter the language, I am sure the response is the same.

Just sit down with him, put you hand on him and say something like, "I have been thinking about my actions and our marriage and would like to share with you what I believe I am learning."

Notice all of the "I's" ? Notice it is about what you have learned. Then start, but stop from time to time to ask him what he thinks about certain things. Then give him lots of time to answer even if it means an uncomfortable silence. Let him come up with the words. While he thinks keep physical contact with him.

You can do this.

JL

Husband didn't come home last night. No phone call no text. You know in your instincts that something is up when he was getting ready to go out, something in my heart.

Really not happy and I am going to get some fairytale story. How should I handle this one? I am very angry.

He can't cope with looking at himself and thinking he is less than perfect, so I am sure he is in arms of someone who isn't asking him to look at himself and admit anything else.

I am now sat at work, I was going to work from home but to be honest I don�t want to see or speak to H at the moment until I work out how to handle things, this is a real improvement than a month ago when I would have just reacted out of control. I am grateful to be at work and away from the situation.

I called him a couple of times about 630am, he did not answer, I knew he wouldn�t answer but I wanted to let him know I was not happy. I don�t know if he was with anyone else. Although like Steve Harley said, if he wanted to be with someone else he would be.

Not really sure why I am bringing all this up, I think it is because I am thinking what did my H actually ever bring to me? H has just sent me an email at work saying;

Hi Mrs Hitch

Sorry I missed your calls I've got a bit of a hangover!

You ok?

H

I have not responded. I would like to respond �no I am not ok, I am upset that you did not come home and I did not know where you were, I am also not interested in hearing any lies about what you were doing�.

And the problem with saying this is?????

Actually, there is no problem in saying this. It is not a lie, it is what you feel. And rather than say "I am also not interested in hearing any lies about what you were doing ". Say Please do me the honor of telling me the truth and not lie to me. Our marriage will not work if it is based on lies as you well know.

This is part of open and honest communications. You do it, you don't have to call names and you don't have to call him a liar, hence my change in your wording. You are stating your boundary about honesty and you expect it from him, right? Tell him.

Hang in there.

JL

Thanks JL do you know all want to

Too dark to tell.

Hitch, I wanted to seriously jump through my computer screen this morning and shake you. OF COURSE you should have said what you wanted to say, insightfully modified by JL, but you can't know that at the time.

I have an excellent psychiatrist, and I say that because he never cuts me any slack and I like that. I hadn't seen him since I ended my A, and today we went over my thinking on boundaries. I live a fear driven life -- fear infects almost every decision I make.

He said the question I need to ask myself is "am I being driven by fear or by love?" I think that is a good query for many internal battles.

When you hesitated on calling your H down on his behavior not coming home, were you driven by fear or by love?

Are you compromising love in favor of fear?

Is is possible that you have compromised your love for yourself by allowing him to treat you that way? Did you compromise your love for him by not taking this moment to teach him how you need to be loved? Are you maybe compromising the love that may become your M by not making him accountable?

I don't even begin to know the answers. I'm just trying to figure out the questions.

Update;

So after the email he sent me at work yesteday morning asking if I was ok. The rest of the email conversation went like this;

H - Are you OK?
ME - No I am not OK, I am upset and finding it difficult to concentrate at work, although you know that already as you stayed out last week and didn't let me know and now you have done it again
H - I am sorry if I upset you, but I didn't want to drink and drive
ME - I am not upset you stayed out, I am upset you stayed out and didn't let me know.
H - Sorry x

When I got home from work he seemed sorry and had tidied and cleaned the house.

So this morning I asked him where he had stayed on Thursday night and he said he stayed at his friends house. I then said to him I would appreciate it if you are honest with me and not lie to me. He then started to get agitated and said I won't lie to you, and I did stay at 'friends' house. So I then said to him, so you stayed at X's house then, H took it the wrong way and I think he thought I was being sarcastic and got mad (I wasn't I was just confirming what he said), and then said to me why are you being funny? Then he started to say random things like, does it matter where I am anyway? I said ofcourse it matters where you are and who you are with, he said that he had been staying in a lot lately and hardly going out and he didn't ask me where I was last night (he did ask me where I had been). He then addded I would tell you if I was with a girl. So I walked out the room (I had started to lose control).

So then when he was leaving the house to play golf, he said are you ok? I said no, I am not ok. He then asked my why but I told him I couldn't talk as his secretary was in the house.

I thought things were going so well, but for him to say something such as I would tell you if I was with a girl has really got to me. I know the focus has been on my affair, but it brought up feelings of the 'affairs' he has had and how sick it makes me feel. I went out last night and saw a friend who works with one of the women he started seeing, and remained friends with. I was paraniod thinking she probably knows more than me about what my H has been upto. Also, I have started to be REALLY honest with myself, and admit to myself how poor he has treated me.

He is acting how I was during my affair, like he doesn't want to really leave me, but doesn't want to commit to me or the marriage either. Time and patience, time and patience....

I wish I had said to him, when he said he would let me know if he was with a girl, that there is little point in doing MC if you are going to be doing that. However, I think that I have to take baby steps and I have just recently started to commuicate my boundaries.

When I spoke to Steve, he just said I have to gently let him know when I am upset so I have done this, so if he asks why I am upset I will let him now that I am upset because he said that he will let me know if he is with another woman.

I am just so convinced something is going on, he is so secretive with his phone. I just dropped H and his friend off at a bar, he left his phone in the car, and I could have used it as an opportunity to snoop, but I don't want to see it I am not in the right mind set, so I told him he had forgot his phone, his face dropped almost like god sh*t I left my phone!

I don't understand him, if he doesn't want to be with me, why doesn't he move out we have another house he could move into its not like he has to stay. Also, he just told me he has put me on his car insurance why do all these things if he doesn't want to be with me. If I am upset with him his mood changes and he is miserable. He is so in the fog it is untrue.

I think he is a cake eater, not sure what he wants, likes to have me but if some girl comes along he can have her too. I could be jumping to conclusions.

Just remembered how much hurt and pain I caused him, spent some time Reading posts from BH and remember how they go through dark days when they don't think they can ever forgive, those are the days when I look in my husbands eyes and see a stranger.

I still don't understand how I could have done this to him? Or myself? How did I justify the affair in my head? He is still here and he is going to counselling, that has got to say for something. I just would like it if he was not having revenge affairs.

Hitch,

Perhaps he should be remembering all of his affairs and understanding how you felt? Here is the point.

You need boundaries because you are making decisions based on feelings. You two need to sit down and decide what makes a good marriage for each of you and negotiate to obtain a marriage that you both want. If you won't do this you need to leave. If he won't do this you need to leave. Or he leaves I don't care which.

Part of having good boundaries is that you start to see what you NEED in a marriage rather than what you want. This reminds me of a saying that you need to consider. Setting the boundaries allows you to determine what you really NEED and thus can negotiate for it. What you may want is to feel good in your H's company. What you NEED is to feel safe and loved in your marriage from now going forward.

He needs to know what he needs, not just want. He may want to play golf, but he doesn't need it. I say that as someone who has played golf for 58 years.

Are you starting to see why we have been pushing you on the boundaries? They are the basis from which you decide your life's course and what you really need in your life.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Have you noticed how many people are following your story even if they are not posting to you? You are allowing alot of people to learn from your situation.

Husband went out with male friend and has not come home. I have had 2 hours sleep. He does not have a key to get in the house, I am not letting him back in and will let him know that if he can not respect me or the marriage then I do no want him back in the house.

Makes sense.

JL

I have packed husband a bag and left on doorstep with his car keys and a note saying;

If you cannot respect me or the marriage I do not want you in the house any longer.

I am not going to take his calls. I am so tired of being treated so poorly. I am a bit concerned that this is not what steve harley recommended.

I am so upset, it feels like a bad nightmare and I am not waking up.