Sent H an email today telling him how wonderful he was this weekend etc. along with a lot a "family events" to be calendared. Asked that we talk about our anniversary coming up in a couple of weeks. He brought it up after dinner. I said I just wanted to talk about it - didn't have anything in particular in mind but wanted it to be special. He suggested a couple of restaurants or just staying home.I asked what he wanted.He said I want to see progress like"getting the house painted". At that point I lost it. On our last anniversary he was deep in to his affair. I was clueless but unhappy. We went out to dnner and he gave me a pair of diamond earrings. (now I know it was out of guilt) I didn't want diamond earrings - I wanted to feel loved by a man that showed he truly looked forward to being with me; notsomeone who took off to go to the office every saturday and sunday and slept as far away on the other side of the bed as possible. Things have been so good with us lately. We went out together this weekend; he cooked me a special dinner; out of the blue he got teary eyed and said he was sorry for hurting me.. During his affair I was bone tired dealing with contractors and home improvements - to please him, I thought, I worked all my waking hours cleaning, cooking and getting the house together to entertain his family and friends for the holidays because I thought that was what he wanted. When he disclosed his affair earlier this year he said fixing the house was not what he wanted. But during our discussion about how to celebrate our upcoming anniversary he said all he wanted was to get the house painted - project left unfinished when he filed for divorce and announced he was leaving. What I really wanted was him to acknowedge that this was indeed a special anniversary, that we had made it through the past ten months, that our marriage was strong now... I was even hoping he would suggest we renew our vows (I've hinted before)....but no, he only wanted to express his frustration that the house hasn't been repainted yet... he has no clue what its been like for me to get through each day of hell for the past ten months. He says he can't get it right. I say I can't get it right. Just when things seem so good they all fall apart. Now he won't speak to me.<BR>Maybe he was right all along - we are just a toxic mix that can't be fixed...though I think if we didn't love each other so much, we couldn't hurt each other so easily. How/why do things go sideways so fast with us? Was my email about our anniversary just a set up as he says? Help me fix this.

Hi Simone -<P>Gosh, I'm sorry that you two can't seem to have a smooth road yet!!<P>I think that you both need to practice the communication skills a little....<P>Like when he said about painting the house...instead of blowing change it to "Why ?" and then say lovingly that it would bother you to worry about painting when this stuff was your priority before and he was "doing his thing"....<P>Talking like this is honest and doesn't really leave room for misinterpretations and resentments!! <P>Maybe he felt guilty that you did so much for the house last year and he was being a jerk....maybe he thought that this would somehow be a good thing to you - that he also cares and is trying to make up for what he didn't do with the house.....<P>Who knows....but by blowing instead of asking....you won't know!!!!<P>Does this help? Can you guys try this and see how it works for you both?<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

I agree with Sheba in that this sounds like classic misintretation and is more of a communication issue than a "love" issue.<P>Maybe he knows why the house was left unpainted and every time he sees it he feels guilt or a reminder and it bugs him. Maybe he doesn't even know this consiously, but it surfaces as an urge to get the house painted. Maybe that is his closure.<P>Have you been reading relationship or communication books?<P>It has made things much clearer to me and I have several examples where we have averted what would have been hurtful misunderstandings just with better knowledge of what was going on in our communication.<P>OK, this is a weak example, but after pouring my heart out Sunday (H had no idea how much pain I was still going through) I thought H "got it". He said he realized just because he felt things he needed to do a better job on showing and telling me he felt them. So drum roll, Monday is his first chance. I meet him at daughters game. Although he called for a minute just to say hi (most unusual and welcome) I had not seen or really spoken to him all day since he left while I was still sleeping. He's been working 60 hours which is more like 70 hours with travel time. He smiles, says hi and plops himself down on a bleacher three rows in front of me. Friend I am sitting with says, H, there's plenty of room here, I'll move over. He says, no, I'll sit here. He plays with 4 year old and watches game. He has to take 10 year old to her activity, so leaves at half time. When I return from game (it was away) he was already asleep. This morning I wake up while he is dressing and tell him my feelings were hurt. If he loves me as much as he said he did and he was going to try harder to show it, why would he not sit with me in his only half hour that we could interact in that 24 hour period. He says he did sit by me. I said no, sitting next to me is sitting by me. As I say it I see we are not on same page. He says I was making too much of this. Now if he read the books he would have realized he just invalidated my feelings and he should have answered me with an "I" answer rather than a "you" answer. But since I read the books, I recognized this and saw there was no point of continuing, given a three minute time frame. The bottom line is that he didn't see this as a "love" issue, he was just bopping by to see the game and pick up daughter #2 on way home from work. It didn't mean he loved me less, just that he wasn't even thinking that actually sitting next to me rather than in front of me would mean anything different to me. I still wish I had a H who would shove someone off the bleachers to sit next to me, but then I guess I should have married a touchy feely kind of guy, huh?<P>This has gotten way too long and I got to go. Just think if your anniversary conversation makes any sense when you rethink it.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Sheba and FHL-<BR> I think you are both correct - H and I are each well educated but learned nothing about how to effectively communicate with each other. I've read the books over the years, but you don't really learn it without lots of trial and error and practice. Going through this I am a firm believer that classes should be required before people marry as well as continuing education courses during marriage.<BR>A lot of people on this MB, you included, would be great teachers!<BR>In addition to the communication problem we have this sabotage thing going on. As soon as things start going really well with us we don't trust it, feel vulnerable,(relaxing my guard resulted in H's affair) and then sabotage it instead of waiting to see. Does that make any sense?<BR>Thanks so much for your replies.<BR> Simone

Gosh, you hit it right on the button, when you said how they should have classes on communication between spouse. That our biggest problem too. We will have an enjoyable week, and then boom a simple question is asked and the next thing you know we are screaming at each other and that leaves us with yet ANOTHER built up wall between us. I read something here about "Lunacy is when you keep doing the same thing and expect different results". That is what it is like for me and H to talk about issues, try the same thing hoping to have something resolved, but it ends up being even worse!

Yes that makes perfect sense, Simone.<P>My H and I had a mini conversation regarding last night/this morning events. He really said you were sitting with friend, I didn't want to intrude, plus I wouldn't be talking because I was watching the game. He then thought a moment and said. So sitting next to you instead of in front (3 rows) of you would have made the statement that I loved you more? Me "Yes". Him, "Hmm, I'll remember that." OK, he doesn't get it, but at least he sit next time he'll sit next to me. <P>Funny thing, I don't think he cares much if we have that romantic type of thing going. I think he likes the comfortable old shoe thing. He had the affair, but I'm the one that wants more out of the relationship and he's the one that liked the old one just fine. Hmmm.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Trying24give - Yes, we do that too - over and over again. Our hearts are in the right place but then all that baggage from our past together and from our childhood comes bubbling up without much warning. If only I could see/feel the warning signs a few seconds sooner. <P>FHL - I thought your game seating story was such a typical mars and venus scenario. I think your H did "get it" when he asked the question about what different seating arrangements would have meant to you. So next time he will sit next to you at the game and won't forget to ask you to dance too. (that was you post awhile back, wasn't it?)<BR>Funny how since our h's affairs we are the one's needing much more romance etc. when they explain their affairs as neediness in this area. <BR> Simone