I wanted to build off of my first post, my wife has admitted to a pretty deep emotional "experience" and also to holding and some kissing OM. (Full on sexual is still denied and there are some reasons to believe it didn't happen... I found out this guy has a good number of STD's, so I'm going to check myself and still treat the situation like it did happen because it was heading that way eventually.)

I want to express some more background and ask for help in the "next steps".

I've exposed the affair to friends and wifes brothers. I plan to tell my parents this weekend. I have refrained from involving her mother and grandmother(her remaining family), because her mother and grandmother have been the root cause of many of her issues.

Her mother is extremely emotionally abusive, has been an awful influence on my wife. A few months ago my wife expressed our issues (pre-affair) and her mothers only words of wisdom were "Suck it up, he makes good money.". Keep in mind this is the first time in 15 years my wife cried in front of her mother and actually asked for love and comfort from her.

I can't see ANY way that her mother would be supportive or helpful, and would most likely beat my wife up to the point of closing off to the world.

Her grandmother is in terrible health and stresses, even small ones usually send her to the hospital. Plus her grandmother is a very cold individual and I don't think she would be willing to discuss this in any helpful manner.

Moving on...

Since my wife has never had someone she felt she could open up to, she has always been a closed off person. She withdraws quickly and to great extent when pressured.

She is already saying that I'm bringing up the "affair" too much. She basically seems to want to move past this quickly, but she is not trying to really open up about it. It's kind of "I did really bad things, I'm seriously hurting over it on my own, I don't need others telling me I'm a bad person to realize this. Lets just move on."

1)I've been keeping track of all movements and communications and she hasn't tried to see or contact OM all week.

2)She has started looking into and discussing long term plans about us again : Going back to school, getting a job, etc...

I'm sure she wants and expects me to let this slide away, but I can't right now, and I don't think I should.


My Plans :

I'm trying to locate a counselor in my area (Columbia, TN) that will *NOT* take her actions lightly. If anyone is familiar with someone near me please let me know. I had visited a counselor last month myself while things were going on and he basically told me people need space(My wife is not doing anything, and I was wrong to be suspicious). I can not take the risk of getting her in front of someone and them telling her that she was justified in these actions.

I am also trying to make sure I tell her daily that she can trust me, that I understand that we were in a bad situation before this all happened, and that if she is willing to work with me, I am willing to work with her. I am trying to also give her every opportunity to be open with me, letting her know that she can tell me anything and I won't react by blowing up or yelling.

I do not ever let her get away with downplaying the events. No matter what happened it was too much.



I'm open to any comments or advise you could offer at this point.

JF - please, it REALLY help those trying to advise you if you stick to ONE thread, post all updates in there. Just linking doesn't help, because people might miss the link.

Try to get this thread combined with your previous one.

I would not risk your marriage on a "counselor." They have the worst track record of any counseling discipline [84% failure rate] and don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage. They actually have a higher divorce rate than the general population! So you are making a huge gamble with your marriage going that route.

I would strongly suggest you try phone coaching with the Harleys or their online program [which assigns you a coach and gives you daily access to Dr Harley] They can do in 2-3 sessions what other counselors can never do.

Their approach is entirely different from traditional counselors in that they have a BEHAVIORAL BASED program that is contingent upon ACTIONS. Whereas traditional counselors are focused on feelings. The Harleys don't mess around, they assess your situation and give you a PLAN of action. They then measure their results once a month to see if it is working.

The biggest difference, though, is that the goal of Marraige Builders is to restore romantic love to the marriage. Tradional marriage counselors don't know how to do that so they don't even it is possible. And that is the solution to a bad marriage: to restore romantic love. All the improvements in "communication" [the focus of your average MC] will not protect your marriage. Many people end up divorced anyway even though they are they are pros at communication.


Here is how I would address this, JK. I would go to your wife, hat in hand, and tell her you are willing to forgive her for her affair [and you need to stop calling this a "relationship" it is an AFFAIR] and try to fix the marriage if she does certain things. Otherwise, this is going to result in divorce. Here is what it will take to keep you invested in this marriage:

1. never see or talk to the OM again. EVER. Not even his children - send him a no contact letter that is approved by you and mailed together [it is the letter in Surviving an Affair]

2. give you all the details about the affair and be willing to take a polygraph. Answer all your questions openly and honestly

3. affair proof your marriage by changing the environment that led to the affair, ie: ceasing all opposite sex friendships, creating a completely transparent life by giving over email and cell phone passwords

4. commit to the Marriage Builders program and go through all the steps

Here are some links I think you should read:

Can't we Just Forgive and Forget?

Marriage Builders Online program

Coaching Center

I was really trying to move the discussion from handling the exposure and initial steps to moving on, and dealing with the next few weeks.

I apologize because I in most other message forums I'm used to using, it has always been hard to move the conversation forward without starting a new initial post.

Your context is VERY important in regards to future steps to take. There are many people who come here seeking advice. It is difficult to keep their story straight. Hunting down every one of their threads is a time-consuming and frustrating task. Rather than do it, many will just move on and help someone else.

If I want to know - did you do a full exposure? I'd have to dig through thread after thread, as opposed to scrolling a bit and seeing what has already happened.

All forums are different - this is the culture that works best here.

small world JF...My wife and I were born and raised in MuleTown USA...aka, Columbia TN...but I haven't lived there since 2002...I graduated from Columbia Central in 1990, BTW.

From my personal experience with my wife and counselors, is that counselors tend to not really push issues...in my wife's case, she plays the depression card, and counselors tend to go easy on her...and counselors tend to lead people gently to there own conclusions without using any straight talk...

I tend to respond better with straight talk, instead of hem hawing around the bush...call a spade a spade and be done with it.

I had a priest tell me that it was my "fear" that lead me to snooping and I should believe my wife over any evidence...I was shocked to hear such crap when the evidence I had was obvious...(the evidence I had was my wife was talking to another man numerous times a month, without me or the OM's wife knowing)...it was all because our priest was afraid to push the issue with her...so she came out smelling like a rose and I came out looking like a control freak...it kinda pissed me off.

I wish I knew of a good counselor in Columbia, but I could always ask around some of my friends...here's my email, if you want it...mayo.indy@yahoo.com

take care

Counselors tend to counsel based on a) current feelings and b) personal desires at the time. Most do not understand or recognize the mental state of a wayward so they will help a wayward find a way to achieve her personal desires, even if that means the destruction of the family and is not in the WS's best interest. That can be very dangerous to marriages.

p.s. JF, Vibrissa is right, you will more responses if you stick to one thread. I had to take the time to go read the back story before I posted. I usually don't have time to do that. Most posters don't have the time to do that.

My suggestion would be to click on the "notify" button and ask the mods to combine your threads.

*LINK* to 'Joseph's Letter'

Read the (above) link ....
You will gain a better understanding about how to deal with WW's resistance (below)

In fact, you might want to make a copy of 'Joseph's Letter' to read to WW in the future. (not yet, she's way too foggy )

STICK TO ONE THREAD ....

JF, did you hear Dr Harley address your situation on the radio? If anyone wants to hear it, you can listen to the rebroadcast here: here