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I'm scared! My WH had school last night and said all they are doing is watching a movie, he will be home early. WH's class on Thurs. night is a hybrid class, meaning they only meet a few times the rest is online. He came home at about 8:00 and surprised me with some flowers and a beautiful card, made me cry. Today I happened to look at our bank statement online, and noticed he got the gifts at a store far from the campus he was at. I wouldn't of thought much of it if the store was near our house, but was on the same street as POSOW's apartment complex. Red flags go up of course. Then I decided to look to make sure what campus he was at last night and lo and behold, he didn't even have class. I am feeling sick to my stomach and I don't know what to do. I cannot believe he was with her (if that is the case). Things have been wonderful between us. I happened to get a VAR on Tues. ordered it online. Felt a little guilty about putting it in his car, but did on Wed. Listened to it Wed. night, nothing absolutely nothing. Was unable to get it back in his car for Thurs. but is in there today. So I will definately check it when he gets home. What do I do? I cannot hold this in I feel like calling him right now and finding out what is going on.
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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Where there is smoke there is fire sunshine. You have all of the evidence that you need to draw a reasonable conclusion.
He went to see OW.
The flowers were just a way to throw you off the scent and possibly to ease his own guilty conscience.
Sorry this is happening to you again.
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What do I do? I cannot hold this in I feel like calling him right now and finding out what is going on.
If you call him now, when you are all worked up, he WILL lie to you and you will alert him to the fact that you are carefully watching him.
HOLD OFF doing anything when you are emotionally a wreck.
Plan A involves self control and strategy.
OK?
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PLAN A Read the link in my sig line.
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Pep, I'm scared. I've never had to go to a plan A.
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Exposure is your most effective tool to end the affair !
It is important to SNOOP ~before~ exposure.
There are ways to snoop in order to gather evidence. If you have questions about snooping tactics ... go to the general Questions infidelity forum and begin a thread titled something like: ~~~> I need to snoop. Teach me everything you know!
OK ... once you've snooped and you know there is an affair ... and your spouse refuses to end the affair relationship ... you will hear:
"It's only a friendship."
"You are too controling."
"I love you but I am not in love with you."
"You are too suspicious."
"You are crazy."
"Our marriage never worked."
"I've never been happy."
"Our marriage was a mistake from the start."
TIME for exposure.
WAT has a great exposure thread ... read it
Exposure is NOT to the 2 infidels ... they already know they are in an affair!
You expose to the other betrayed spouse first.
You expose to your family as well as your spouse's family (if appropriate)
You expose to work, or neighbors, or others .... ASK the board for help regarding who to expose to
HOW you expose is important
wording something like:
I am saddened to tell you my sweetie is having an affair. It's been going on for (length of time).He/she refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my sweetie, please do what you can to get him/her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.
don't forget these words
swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
you NEVER tell your adulterous spouse you are going to expose
you just do it Put a GPS on his vehicle. You are almost ready for exposure. Get a little better idea of where he goes - then EXPOSE to everyone.
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Pep, I'm scared. I've never had to go to a plan A. Well, you do now.
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PUT a GPS on his vehicle.
He will lie to you if you speak to him today, and you need the GPS to know when he is lying.
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I'm so confused. Everything was going great! We do everything together, we spend at least 15 hrs. every week together. I don't get it. THIS REALLY CANNOT BE HAPPENING TO ME!!!
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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Posts: 35,996
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I don't know if I can, Pep. I need to do this. Stop crying and breathe! Maybe the VAR will reveal something tonight.
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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You've got to get control Sunshine. Listen to Pep.
Some addt'l intel would be good right now before you blow him up.
If you confront him to soon you will be gaslighted unmercifully.
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sunshine,
I am sorry this is happening.
Due to the addictive nature of affairs, they typically don't end without the STICK (consequences and no this doesn't mean yelling at him) of Plan A. Sounds like you have been doing well with the carrot. You need to prepare yourself for the stick.
Unfortunately, waywards ALWAYS think they can have some contact...and then before you know it, they are sucked right back into the A again.
Read read read and listen to Pepperband.
You can do this! Hang in there...
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If you confront him to soon you will be gaslighted unmercifully. Exactly ! And you will be accused of all sorts of crimes. "You're controlling.
You're paranoid.
You're untrustworthy."
CONTROL YOURSELF in THIS SITUATION. What do you mean you can't buy/install a GPS? Why the hell not?
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Maybe the VAR will reveal something tonight. If it does not , get a GPS.
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You know Pep, he has been so good with boundries. He calls me everyday right before leaving work to come home. He does it from the phone at work and not his cell so I can see he really is calling from work. HE'S BEEN DOING THIS EVERY DAY!! Except for school days which are Wed. and Thurs. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!! REALLY, IT JUST CAN'T BE!!
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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Posts: 35,996
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What you DO KNOW is, he LIED to you about his whereabouts.
What you do not know is exactly how close to OW's apartment he actually was.
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You know Pep, he has been so good with boundries. He calls me everyday right before leaving work to come home. He does it from the phone at work and not his cell so I can see he really is calling from work. HE'S BEEN DOING THIS EVERY DAY!! Except for school days which are Wed. and Thurs. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!! REALLY, IT JUST CAN'T BE!! When my H was in his A ... he called me and said sweet things .... right before he went to see OW, or talk to OW on the phone. And, he would also do some VERY nice things for me .... the week before he went on a trip with OW (their first PA encounter) my H rented me a limo to take me to the airport.
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Pep, I was meaning I don't think I can get control right now. I can buy a GPS. I was answering your quote from before.
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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