In other words, the affair HAS NOT BEEN EXPOSED!! All that happened is that your wife lied to his family.

So how about we start there and EXPOSE THE AFFAIR?

And the next step should be to protect your kids. You will not save your marriage by sacrificing your kids in order to appease a wayward wife.

Your son will remember what you did to him, Ryan. He will remember that you did nothing to protect him or save his family.

I cannot even fathom how morally confused he is by this situation. This is how you screw little kids up for life.

ryanv,

I was posting when you were.

Please read my post before your last post.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

ryan, it is time to put the carrot aside and bring out the stick! You are not going to make it unless you do.

I will reread it agian. she knows the money is gone from me. The only thing I will add is that I need to seperate our phones so I wont pay for hers. I have been on plan enable for 60 days. I guess it is Plan A if I can get it right then to plan b. Plan b will kill me emotionaly. I've been there for her ever need the best I have been able to for 8 years. To disconnect that for me....just.. I dont know how I can do it. But I will take your advice. This check goes to paying off my back rent, making the car payment for the car I am taking back and a legal settlement my wife is no longer helping me with. so in 2 weeks I guess I can get a appoinment schdueled. Wow yet 2 more weeks. Damn life sucks. why does she have to do all of this? Oh yeah I'm letting her do it.

ryanv,

Yes, you have been in plan enable for the last 2 months, I understand that, I did it. This was before MB. You were ignorant about what you could do to stop this affair and you did whatever you thought was best. Now you are learning and will have some tools you can use to implement your plan and hopefully recover your marriage.

So now you can move forward and you will be surprised how much better you will feel.

Yes, Plan B is hard, but if you continue on the way you have you will lose all love for your wife eventually. Plan A is to improve yourself and meet your WW's needs as much as you can and to elimanate DJ's and AO's. You can be the best you can be.

Plan B protects the love that you have left for your spouse and makes her depend on the OM to meet ALL of her needs, which he cannot do. Your WW is cake eating and getting her needs met by both you and OM. You meet more of her needs than you know. When you go to plan B, she will miss getting her needs met by you.

So, what about your son? How is he doing? You really haven't said much about him. What can you do to protect him from this?

By the way, welcome to Marriage Builders. It isn't easy to get through this, but I see hope for your marriage if you follow the plans here.

And PLEASE listen to Melodylane, she is the very best. Also Wheel's Crazy and Sapphire. All the people posting to you are wonderful.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

DOCUMENT

You might want to look at this thread too!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

There is a big difference between enabling and loving. And there is a big difference between being used and being loved. I think you have catered to and appeased your wife for years and in effect, have given her a false sense of entitlement.

you are right, last night when she came over as planned to pick up our son we did not speak of us at all except one passing inside joke. I was just nice and had plesant conversation and she stayed around for 2.5 hours. I had already made some commitments for her which I still filled from before I figured out what plan A was. I went to her place and hooked up her internet for her, I did buy her a pack of ciggerettes and a monster java drink. The house was clean and vacumed and look rather nice for not having any furinture lol. And she recieved the copy of Beuty and the beast I ordered for her (her favorite move that got lost) But that was ordered before Plan A. So all of my commitments are done, Plan Enable is over and Plan A now begins full strength. Which should be intresting at our join counseling session tonight. Its not mariage counseling because that I think scares her its just a joint counseling session where we get to discuss our marriage...... I swear I will be taking you alls advice and I will be asking for help on what may seem stupid but with my emotions and ovious closeness to the situation I hae my own fog to contend with its just quite the same as hers. Also I now have "Surviving An Affiar" and "His Needs Her Needs" which of these should I read first?

As far as my son he is having a difficult time and misses his time with his father desperately and has told his mother for the first time last night he wants to stay with Daddy. WW and I spoke last night about putting him into counseling. Our daughter will be in counseling as soon as she gets back home as she knows nothing now. Even if we move back in together before that their are issues at her fathers (aka sperm donors) that MUST be addressed.

You are apsolutly correct in everyway shape and form. For all intents and purposes I have been a single father for 8 years. WW just cooked and cleaned the bathrooms and folded the laundry I washed and sometimes she even put it away.

"Surviving An Affair" is a real kick in ole' scrotum. I gathered the first few chapters of "His Needs Her Needs" off this fourm. But the "Surviving An Affair" I cant just put down, I mean wow. Just hope its not to late.


What should I do tonight if she tells me at our "joint counseling" she does not want us to work and she wants our marragie to be over? Do I goto Plan B or still contiue on Plan A (well really start Plan A)? Also is it worth telling her what Emotional Needs of mine have been ignored? Or would that just fuel the clouded justfication for D?

How long do you think you have been in plan A?

If she wants to separate, then SHE can leave the house, YOU MAKE SURE THAT YOU DO NOT LEAVE THAT HOUSE! Make sure that YOU keep the kids as well.

If you think you have done a good plan A then I suggest going to plan B, but if you think you haven't done a really good job at it then give it a couple more weeks before heading to plan B.

I have done a very bad job of Plan A. also she already moved out on July 24th. But I think she will be soon evicted She wont have the money for her rent, I just checked her bank account. Which means I will be stuck with a car paymen and a new car No matter I just want her back. I was going to move from a 3 bedroom townhouse to a 2 bedroom apartment to save on money in aticipation of having to make this car payment. Should I wait for Plan B before I do that?

If I were you, I wouldn't even GO to counseling! Dr. H says it's pretty much pointless to be in counseling with an active WW. Even if you do coaching with the coaching center here at MB, they will coach you separately.

Your #1 goal right now is to do a stellar Plan A for a couple of weeks (since you say you haven't really done a good one up to this point), do a massive nuclear exposure (all at once!), and then start preparing for Plan B. There is a lot to prepare to get ready for that.

If moving will put you in a better financial position, then you should do it. Whether your WW comes back or not, you'll be better off. If she DOES end up coming back (on down the road) and the Plans have worked, THEN you can think about moving again, after she proves she is really wanting to recover.

Good job on getting the books, Surviving an Affair is the BIBLE to recovering from this mess. You can TRY and meet her ENs now but usually a WW won't let you. Have you read the Carrot and Stick of Plan A? You really need to find it. It's a very short list of do's and don'ts.

We're rooting for you!

Here's a link to a thread that will get you to the Carrot and Stick Thread...

Click here

ok ryanv,

You have 2 links to the carrot and stick link, I totally agree with Melodylane that you need to use the stick part at this time.

And since your son is devastated and wants to be with you, you need to let WW know that it is not acceptable for her to have OM around your son.

Time to focus on improving yourself, and focusing on your SON.

No more money, no more cell phone, and if you cannot afford the rent if you are paying for a new car then scale down if you need to. Is this WW's car? Is the car in your name? I would not pay for WW car. She needs to understand what 'separation' is. This means not supporting her in any way.

Her idea of separation is to bang OM and have you pay for it and expose your darling son to who knows what.

Separation means she is on her own, paying her own bills, and paying for her car. And keeping her adultery partner away from your son. This is the stick part. Tell her and then ask her if she wants a potato chip. LOL.

Daughter needs to know now. Expose. I would not trust anything she says about who she exposed to. You need to call everyone, her family, your family, daughter, son, and OM's BW if you can get the info. Exposure needs to come from you.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

After each counseling session she moves further and further in the right direction. She now has set a cut of date for her relaionship on her ending it all including all communication. She is working on the strength to do so. And she has commited to rebuilding our marriage as long as I am willing to put the A and all assoicated with it behind us (which I have already offered to do)


With Plan A in effect for 1 day I hear "Why are you being so nice to me I do not deserve this" So I think i like where plan A is going so far. Bu tI do need to come up with Plan B as a back up plan. Exposure has alreadly happened to everyone but our daughter.


Good point, I need to plan to take care of myself and my kids not her right now.


The books are great! And yes I have read that thread printed it and it sits next to my "Daily Bread" bible study. I read surviving an affiar, then my daily bread study the passage discussed reread plan A Carrot and Stick then goto bed. Also is allowing me meet certian emotional needs that was also what we discussed last night with the counselor was how we can do that even more effictly than we have been doing and having my WW allow me to fill more of those needs with out her feeling guilt associated with it



Thanks, I'm going to need all the support that i can get right now!

She is gaslighting you! She has a cutoff date? Really? That date should have been yesterday. See how much help a counselor is? If she were truly committed to rebuilding your marriage, she would she would break off any contact NOW by writing a no contact letter, approved and mailed by you, and come home immediately.

Please re-read the STICK part of Plan A. She and the counselor both are disrespecting you by remaining in her ADULTERY (please don't disrespect yourself by calling it a relationship).

We like to say around here that there is nothing worse than making a bad promise, except keeping that promise. You cannot just sweep her ADULTERY under the rug once she comes home. You BOTH must deal with it. Dr. H has a very narrow path for recovery (are you sure you're reading Surviving an Affair??? :)) including the no-contact letter, putting EPs in place, her being completely transparent, open and honest and answering ANY questions you might have about her ADULTERY. There is a way to do this without LBing.

I hope you're not sharing MB with your WW right now. There may be a time when you can, but this should be your secret weapon for destroying the ADULTERY.

You don't need STRENGTH to go NC. You need CONVICTION. She doesn't need to be 'strong enough' to go NC, she has to completely believe that there is no other option.

You don't 'build up' conviction. You just have it.

She knows what the right thing is.

She doesn't want to do it.

She wants to find another way out.

BSing you with tales of 'building strength' are a stall tactic.

She has no conviction. She doesn't believe she should go NC.

And as for you promising to 'put all of this behind' you. Yeah, another bad call. She has almost broken this marriage. You don't just sweep off the shards and say "oops". You don't put it behind you - you recover.

Big difference.

its my sons birthday and I still cant seem to smile since she left an hour ago. Guess I will go back to reading and building my Plan A. Or maybe tonight I need to take a night off for me, take my zanax and watch some tv and drink a beer. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done

OK I think after much reading and thought I have a Plan A, please give me your opinions....and 2x4's....

Plan A:

Stop annoying behaviors (WS told me what they were in last counseling session)
No more DJ or AO, the DJ has been an issue on occasion for me as I am a natural smart [censored]. But so is my Wife that is one thing we have always enjoyed about each other.
No more fiscal support, If she wants tog et on food stamps and soak me for what she can for CS then let her. When she cant make the car payment this month take the car and give her the car I'm driving which is a PoS but paid for. Also when she cant pay her rent this month I will not assist her or lend her any sort of money any more.
I will keep my house clean and neat feed my son (and daughter when she comes home) only home cooked meals no eating out (except -perhaps once a week).
Remind her what has worked in our marriage
Continue to let her know no reconciliation can occur until she breaks it off completely with OM. Including changing her phone number and getting a new job (as she works with him). I also already found her a new job paying the same closer to home with less responsibility.
Continue to let her know there is a future with forgiveness and care.

Only place I am stuck on is, do I continue to meet the EN's she will allow me to meet? Do I continue to allow her to come up with excuses to see me? Should I not buy her a Starbucks for when she stops by? Also should I not bake her favorite cookies for her when I know she is coming over? Me not cooking and cleaning enough for her was one of chief complaints (which I found odd as I had done all the cleaning except dishes and bathroom exception was the 2.5 years she dident work)

Thank you all for your help thus far. Trying to get my ducks in a row and have my battle plan ready to rock. Then come up with my Plan B so that is ready to roll when I need to go that route. Figured I will do Plan A for 30 days, I mean she has already been gone 63 days and I have been doing a lot of this for the past 30. I have been doing the carrot but really no stick. Last night was the first time I have had the CONVICTION to tell her ZERO contact as a condition. But I guess dropping my son back to me a day early on his birthday so she could goto a party for OM's sisters wedding and adding that to the fact she is going to that wedding today gave that to me. Yet she text me during the wedding.... WTF!?

Sorry rambling, back to the point, what do you guys think or what should I add. The way I have been fighting this hasn't achieved the results I wanted. Just lip service, so guys I'm ready to fight. I dont believe her or what she says to her friends any more. Oh yeah the exposure got she promised she would be done with him after the wedding..... I'm still calling it lip service.