Hi Forum members! I would really appreciate if any of you could look at the sample conversation and tell me which party is at fault or both are?
U will have questions about some of the things mentioned in the talk. Let see..Husband's behavior changed since Husband and Wife took a vacation to Palm springs which he wanted to take but wife wanted to save for a bigger Hawaii vacation so they had disagreement. At times wife nags about not spending enough time with family/kids.Been married for 14 years from a very young age of 18/19 years and both struggled through life/work in general.Husband self made man.. starting with nothing and now a big Global director at a company. Wife worked on and off and finished educational goals and had kids after six years into marriage and been raising them and is now looking for work. Husband disappointed in wife for not finding work soon enough to support financially. Both moved from one country to another in the last year or so.Lots of changes at husbands work place, the whole move thing, instability and starting a new life at new location.Husband hired lots of new people in his organization especially women managers whom he see more accomplished then wife.(even though he says he does not compare). Husband started to groom himself better/ lost weight/lots of cologne and started showing less interest in home life/wife/kids. Long working hrs until 11pm at night. wife got suspicious seeing so many changes in husband especially feeling emotionally and physically disconnected. started checking his emails/work bag etc to find clues. but was too naive and jumpy in all situation and confronted him with anything found. He started getting better at hiding/defending. would use cash for lunches. get rid of receipts etc. One day wife accused him of having a interest with a co worker that he would praise too much to his boss.Wife was panicky that I have to save this marriage and if he has not slept with her yet and its just initial interest, she has to stop it somehow.Husband assured her that there is nothing only too much work and he wants to have a positive image in his new role hence the grooming etc. a few business trips to other states and brought back chocolates. which wife saw in his work bag. she confronted him the same night he left for work in the morning.He told her he was testing her if she would snoop on him or not so he brought the chocolate. They were for the family. She had hard time believing that. He was shaking when she confronted him but he swear on bible. Wife is too confused and can not get rid of doubts. She started to believe it is her fault. she is judging him and making things worst so she stopped snooping but now there is no trust on both sides.A lot of damage has been inflicted through accusations( she did take the name of the manager he hired if he was interested in her which he denied and got angry) Husband say the wife always had insecurities and that is her nature which will never change and there will be no trust in this relationship and she wont be happy no matter what he does.The husband spends 14-16 hrs at work, comes home eats, wont even spend 10 mins with kids and whatever little time they have before bed. He spends it on his blackberry in the bathroom a good one hr and then he is too tired and ready to sleep.They talk during the dinner or sometimes before going to bed and usually complains from the wife and annoyance from the husband.Wife does not say anything anymore but she has a feeling that husband talks to this manager and is very much impressed of her.things are not that great in the bedroom too. husband says he is always stressed/tired and feels he does not need to make love anymore as he used to. At least he agreed to see the doctor.what is wrong with this whole story? please see the sample conversation in next topic to analyze and give feedback.
Thank you.

Sample conversation

[12:00:37 PM] FM: my feeling/perception is that if a person can spend enough time coaching his team at work spending two hours or so every day, or if a team member asks for help with something, there is absolutely no problem helping them with what they need/want. how come that same person would have excuses or not show concern if a family member ask for help regarding something. my perception is that family member are taken for granted and not given same amount of respect that a person would show to other people non related to him except professionally. How do u deal with such situation?
[12:02:27 PM] ZS: I have my days set-up with many meetings, sometimes I set-up and don�t do the whole meeting because I have to catch-up... I have to get a lot of work put out and done with all my direct reports and fit in the rest of the work
[12:02:37 PM] ZS: have you been looking through my work stuff again?
[12:03:08 PM] ZS: this has to stop, you are trying to do things that are creating more mess in your mind
[12:03:49 PM] ZS: I can't fix it, you have your perceptions taking color on everything and anything you can find to get upset about
[12:05:00 PM] ZS: you keep saying that you trust, but you KEEP NOT TRUSTING you keep SNOOPING... I am sorry FM, but this has to stop for your own health and for our benefit
[12:07:27 PM] FM: I did not look at anything.. we had talk last night at dinner and u mentioned it to me how u coach and [censored] and spend time with your team members
[12:07:45 PM] FM: Now u are not TRUSTING and making assumptions
[12:09:17 PM] ZS: ok, because you are asking about hours for coaching and reviews etc...
[12:10:20 PM] ZS: anyway FM, I don't think you can relate work and compare it to personal life... I was trying to tell you want the job is all about... not that I am able to do that in my job... my job requires a lot more technical work right now
[12:10:49 PM] FM: we talked about the interview u did and yes u have mentioned performance and other reviews in the past I have been puzzled how come Paul does not do that and hence the questions
[12:11:05 PM] ZS: I am running 27 initiatives and 4 projects.. you can't get upset on things that you don't know about
[12:11:15 PM] FM: I am not comparing your work life and personal life
[12:11:44 PM] ZS: this makes you more upset and I can't really be at the receiving end of scrutiny and explaining all the time
[12:11:55 PM] FM: all i was saying was treating everyone fairly and if u do that at work why can�t u do that at home
[12:12:35 PM] ZS: just too much noise FM... I try to treat people fairly but I am not good at it I am sure... I have a lot of problems
[12:13:06 PM] ZS: I am angry at work and beat people up to, I don't give many of the team members assignments and the time they could use.. it all depends on where the work and priority is
[12:13:23 PM] ZS: you can't get into my head and start judging everything, it will not work FM.
[12:14:33 PM] ZS: I can't keep an even keel with being questioned on everything and all that I share with you... how can I share with you things when you make interpretations and assumptions and bring me under scrutiny all the time rather than helping me
[12:14:41 PM] FM: I do not judge Z.. all i was saying was I was asking for this iphone upgrade thing for a while and all u say is it takes long time to do that..
[12:14:48 PM] ZS: it's not helping me at all, it's putting me in a corner all the time
[12:19:09 PM] FM: u even give me this non interested look when i ask for something.. How am i suppose to react Z ?
[12:19:12 PM] ZS: ok FM sorry about that last night, I should have helped you through it
[12:19:49 PM] ZS: you should have asked me to stay up not go to sleep, promise I can get it done today
[12:20:37 PM] ZS : yah I thought about it so many times but it takes so much time that I kept skipping it
[12:20:54 PM] ZS: can we do it tonight or tomorrow?
[12:21:12 PM] FM: i have already done it on my own but i am shattered into million pieces with you blowing up on me like this.
[12:21:25 PM] FM: 
[12:22:26 PM] ZSi: FM you were upset in the morning too and then you sent me a big long message and I thought things were getting better but.. Now you are upset again and questioning etc... With so much stress at work, even right now there is a conf call going on that I am stressed about and fighting on
[12:23:15 PM] ZS: I am sorry darling, it's just bad memory and bad timing... head hurts too and so much stress...
[12:24:16 PM] FM: things are better Love� I am making an effort but i guess it does not show.. I am sorry if i upset u in anyway.
[12:28:01 PM] ZS: thanks darling, I am sorry I upset you with what I say and what I do all the time... I don't want to do that, I have to learn to be better
[12:28:31 PM] FM: me too

Please click notify and have this merged as one thread with your part one.

Who is this couple? Are they friends of yours? If so, I would refer the wife to the Surviving an Affair forum.

Also, I would just stick with one thread instead of starting new ones or people will lose track. You can click on notify and ask the moderators to merge your threads.

universe, welcome to MB! like cwmi and ML said, please click "notify" and ask the mods to move your post to SAA for you, he's deliberately trying to drive you crazy, and you are going along with it, so if you are looking at who needs to change, it's both of you. That's okay, you can "go first", start putting an end to it today, there's a plan here on the site, have you read it?

Hi NewEveryDay.. Thanks for your support. I would like to know more about the plan. I am sick and tired of this been happening for the past few months. I am mentally exhausted and find myself really depressed.

Universe.

yikes.


If I am the man in this situation, I am overwhelmed.


Yep.

o
ver
whelmed.


Read my next post to understand why.

then, read my next post for what the woman need to do and to STOP doing.

Oh. I'm Schoolbus. You will find that my job here is to figure out what you said, what you meant to say, what you REALLY MEANT by what you said, and

how to do it lots better.


SB

Hi schoolBus.. right now I would appreciate anything told to me to be sane again

melodylane..this is my story.. very depressed at the moment and do not know how to react to things. In fact a bit scared. I have invested so much into this relationship. The problem is that I jumped too soon to confrontation instead of gathering proofs. I really do not know if he is actually having an affair or it is just my doubts and him working away. I just can not understand his behavior and the missing the emotional connection.

My thoughts - or YOUR thoughts - will be in red. You need to know right now that this will be rough to read. Hold on to your hat, because it will hit you hard, but you will get lots out of this, take it to the bank (the love bank, that is), and you can begin your Plan A on a lot more stable ground with this information.

Don't kill the messenger. After all....YOU said all of this. I'm just telling you what message you sent.

I will tell you later how to improve.

[12:00:37 PM] FM: my feeling/perception is that if a person can spend enough time coaching his team at work spending two hours or so every day, or if a team member asks for help with something, there is absolutely no problem helping them with what they need/want. how come that same person would have excuses or not show concern if a family member ask for help regarding something. my perception is that family member are taken for granted and not given same amount of respect that a person would show to other people non related to him except professionally. How do u deal with such situation? He heard, and you meant, "Why do you treat the people at work better than you treat me? You spend more time with them, and you work through their problems, and you help them. You don't do that with me." While you might have couched this in terms that try to sound better - it did not work. You still hit him with the same question. And he heard that.
[12:02:27 PM] ZS: I have my days set-up with many meetings, sometimes I set-up and don�t do the whole meeting because I have to catch-up... I have to get a lot of work put out and done with all my direct reports and fit in the rest of the work You see? He answered the "work" question with a "work" answer. IF YOU WANT A RELATIONSHIP QUESTION ANSWERED, ASK ONE.
[12:02:37 PM] ZS: have you been looking through my work stuff again? He is busy....at work...and he realizes that your question wasn't a work question....he processes, and realizes that this is the "relationship" issue again. He gets angry. Why? Because he is at work, and he is busy, and he is being brought to the carpet to answer this issue at a time when he does not see it coming. UNFAIR, HE THINKS. So he responds with anger - and he confronts you.
[12:03:08 PM] ZS: this has to stop, you are trying to do things that are creating more mess in your mind While this may be a cover for an affair, it is hard to read his response. He is angry - you blindsided him at work. There is an element of gaslighting here, as he tells you that you are searching for something that is not there. He could be right, or he could be lying. It's a tough read here, because the context is one that shows his exasperation.
[12:03:49 PM] ZS: I can't fix it, you have your perceptions taking color on everything and anything you can find to get upset about He comes in again, and talks about something else - which is that even when you are not talking about a possible affair, or when something isn't even related (in his mind), he feels that somehow the idea of his cheating is brought into the conversation. He feels like he cannot get away - that there has to be something else to discuss, and that you have missed a message from HIM. The phrase "I can't fix it" is a message you have overlooked - he is telling you something. What is this message you keep missing?
[12:05:00 PM] ZS: you keep saying that you trust, but you KEEP NOT TRUSTING you keep SNOOPING... I am sorry FM, but this has to stop for your own health and for our benefit He repeats this message, which again could be gaslighting, anger, or exasperation.
[12:07:27 PM] FM: I did not look at anything.. we had talk last night at dinner and u mentioned it to me how u coach and [censored] and spend time with your team members You are back on the "work" discussion
[12:07:45 PM] FM: Now u are not TRUSTING and making assumptions and turn his words against him
[12:09:17 PM] ZS: ok, because you are asking about hours for coaching and reviews etc... and he says that your message is about work! He is telling you that if you want to talk about work, then do that. If you want to talk about the relationship, do that. He feels like he isn't sure what your analogy is - are you asking for hours with him, are you asking for explanations of what he is doing at work, are you asking for help from him, are you asking for him to devote time to you or efforts to you like he does at work, are you asking for an accounting of activities from work or with coworkers....he isn't sure....because your conversation got off track (I will help you with this later)
[12:10:20 PM] ZS: anyway FM, I don't think you can relate work and compare it to personal life he now tells you - if you want to talk about my work, fine; but if you want to talk about US, let's do that. I need to compartmentalize. ... I was trying to tell you want the job is all about... not that I am able to do that in my job... my job requires a lot more technical work right now He was trying to keep with your analogy, and felt the whole thing went off the rails. It didn't work for him. He couldn't answer what you wanted, because he needs to separate things - for him they are separate entities, home and work and marriage.
[12:10:49 PM] FM: we talked about the interview u did and yes u have mentioned performance and other reviews in the past I have been puzzled how come Paul does not do that and hence the questions you bring it back to a comparison; he is not Paul, he just told you that he can't compare your relationship and work, but you passed that over and ignored him, and went right back to what you had to say....because you want to make your point.....is your point about your relationship, is it about work, is it about Paul, is it about interviews? And he feels....
[12:11:05 PM] ZS: I am running 27 initiatives and 4 projects.. you can't get upset on things that you don't know about nuts at work, and then at home he is peppered by questions,,,,,,,,and now from home he gets the same questions - - - - again - - - - from an argument that ALREADY HAPPENED....and was supposed to be OVER. Yet the "point" is being made....AGAIN???? Now???? He is thinking, "sheesh, am I still fighting about this?" and "How do I get through this and back to work, and not make things nuttier?"
[12:11:15 PM] FM: I am not comparing your work life and personal life OH YES YOU ARE. YOU NEED TO READ THE OPENER, UNIVERSE! IT IS YOUR EXACT POINT. It was what YOU opened with, what YOU asked about, and what YOU went with. Now you are retracting? Who's gaslighting now?
[12:11:44 PM] ZS: this makes you more upset and I can't really be at the receiving end of scrutiny and explaining all the time When I answer you, you just get more angry. I feel like I'm being watched, I don't know what to do. Now, maybe this man is having an affair - granted. This is a possibility. He is resigned in this statement, however, and he feels he does not know what to do to please or respond to you without angering you. You need to offer him a way HOME, and MB does offer that.
[12:11:55 PM] FM: all i was saying was treating everyone fairly and if u do that at work why can�t u do that at home This is a fair question. Also, much better worded, much more to the point. He understands this.
[12:12:35 PM] ZS: just too much noise FM... This is a comment on the conversation as a whole. He is tired, and doesn't want to talk right now. He is telling you he is overwhelmed. I try to treat people fairly but I am not good at it I am sure... I have a lot of problems He means that your idea of him at work is that he is this cool and fair guy in charge, but that the people who work under him might tell you a different story if they had the chance.
[12:13:06 PM] ZS: I am angry at work and beat people up to, I don't give many of the team members assignments and the time they could use.. it all depends on where the work and priority is He tries to give you an example here, that he has to be a tough guy, push people, push deadlines. And they don't like it much.
[12:13:23 PM] ZS: you can't get into my head and start judging everything, it will not work FM. This is basically that you need to stop believing that you know what he is thinking - that this makes him mad. He has things to say to you, and that you have pushed into his place and taken this away from him. He feels that he has things he wants to say to you, but that you have pre-judged what he has to say, what he thinks, and what his reactions might be - and that this is making for some serious problems for your relationship. This is a huge statement - and he says to you "it will not work". I wonder....is this the message you are missing?
[12:14:33 PM] ZS: I can't keep an even keel with being questioned on everything and all that I share with you... how can I share with you things when you make interpretations and assumptions and bring me under scrutiny all the time rather than helping me He tells you that he is off balance, upset, when he wants to have a steady relationship with you. He is asking to be able to SHARE things with you. This is an open invitation to you to talk WITH him. What he is saying that he needs for you to LISTEN and not talk - he has something to say. I believe that this second time saying this to you is quite direct (the first time was the previous statement). He again says that you are scrutinizing him - at this point, I am beginning to wonder about his stress level, and whether this is true. It is starting to ring true to me, but still could be gaslighting. At any rate, he asks to share with you, and that you NOT change what he says, take it at face value, believe what he has to say, and try to work with him. He is asking for some level of trust in a conversation with you, so he has somewhere to start with you. He tells you that there is DISTANCE, and that HE DOESN'T LIKE IT - but that the distance is not there by HIS choice, he feels pushed.
[12:14:41 PM] FM: I do not judge Z.. all i was saying was I was asking for this iphone upgrade thing for a while and all u say is it takes long time to do that.. WHOA. This is not ALL you were saying. Not by a long shot. He knows it, and YOU know it. This is deceptive, and you are trying to be more innocent in this than you are. You came at him at work over an issue from a previous argument, you brought up his treatment of others being better than he treats you, compared him to another man.....so there is way more here than an I-phone. It might have started with an I-phone, but it is NOT about an I-phone. Call it what it is (pun intended).
[12:14:48 PM] ZS: it's not helping me at all, it's putting me in a corner all the time I'll bet.
[12:19:09 PM] FM: u even give me this non interested look when i ask for something.. How am i suppose to react Z ? And you come back again at him. Just for good measure. What happened to the IPhone.....or the work thing.....or Paul....(there's a reason I'm asking all this...you will see later).
[12:19:12 PM] ZS: ok FM sorry about that last night, I should have helped you through it Oh, he thinks...she called because she wants me to apologize? If I had figured that out, I could have been through this and into that meeting long before now...sheesh.
[12:19:49 PM] ZS: you should have asked me to stay up not go to sleep, promise I can get it done today If I had done it last night, I wouldn't have had this whole thing right now. If I do it tonight, it will pre-empt another one of these deals TOMORROW. Maybe. One can hope.
[12:20:37 PM] ZS : yah I thought about it so many times but it takes so much time that I kept skipping it He said this with humor, hoping he can bring the conversation to a close.
[12:20:54 PM] ZS: can we do it tonight or tomorrow? offers help, hoping....
[12:21:12 PM] FM: i have already done it on my own but i am shattered into million pieces with you blowing up on me like this. are you "shattered into a million pieces"? Really? Because if his not fixing your Iphone for you does that, then we are really going to have problems working through things if he is having an affair.

you have not seen shattered into a million pieces until you have been a betrayed spouse

i promise you that
[12:21:25 PM] FM: 
[12:22:26 PM] ZSi: FM you were upset in the morning too and then you sent me a big long message and I thought things were getting better but.. Now you are upset again and questioning etc... he is telling you that even when he thinks things are smoothed over, you come back, again and again, with the same problem. he cannot fix anything, ever. once something is not right with you, it can never be okay again? do you fight with him until your point is dead, and then you beat the dead point? he is telling you that you do. With so much stress at work, even right now there is a conf call going on that I am stressed about and fighting on I am missing work because I am STILL arguing about this thing...that we already settled once last night, once during this conversation....and probably will have to settle again......and I thought the phone was fixed? Only this isn't really about the phone, I forgot. It's about my

affair? Or about my time at work?

sheesh
[12:23:15 PM] ZS: I am sorry darling, it's just bad memory and bad timing... head hurts too and so much stress... I believe he does have a headache. I think I am getting one too.
[12:24:16 PM] FM: things are better Love� I am making an effort but i guess it does not show.. I am sorry if i upset u in anyway. Things are not better, and you are not sorry you upset him. He knows that and you do too. This probably wasn't over when he got home. Late. He probably stayed at work. Do you wonder why?
[12:28:01 PM] ZS: thanks darling, I am sorry I upset you with what I say and what I do all the time PLEASE NOTE THAT HE ADDED "ALL THE TIME". This took away his apology. He is telling you that he feels that he cannot win. That nothing he does, nothing he says, will please you. And that he knows it. Because he said it to you in that sentence - read it over and over - and understand the message. This is a man you LOVE, and he is telling you that he upsets you with what he says and does "all the time". OUCH. ... I don't want to do that, I have to learn to be better The message here is that he has no idea how.
[12:28:31 PM] FM: me too yes. you do.



You know, I am not convinced he is having an affair. I just don't know. What I do know?

Next post.

Okay, Universe.

Here's what I do know.

One of the overriding messages your husband is sending is that he feels that you and he are not communicating.

He wants to have true conversations with you, but he feels that they devolve into your suspicions about his cheating.

Marriage Builders has something called Plan A, which is a plan to make the betrayed spouse more attractive to the wayward spouse. In other words, if there is an affair going on, it is in the best interests of the BS to make herself into the most attractive choice, right? And nagging, complaining, being unfriendly, pointing out negative attributes, obvious spying, and other behaviors that don't contribute to a welcoming home and relationship environment aren't included in Plan A.

Plan A includes things like making yourself attractive, understanding your spouse's emotional needs, meeting those needs, and creating a home atmosphere and marital atmosphere that is welcoming, warm, and intimate so that the wayward is attracted to remain there.

If you believe your husband is having an affair, or is on the verge of an affair, you need to activate your Plan A. Read on this website what this includes.

What it never includes? Calling him or texting him at work and continuing an argument from the night before. You actually do what you can to AVOID arguing, avoid confrontations, avoid disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, and behaviors that your spouse finds annoying.

It does include working hard to understand your spouse's emotional needs, and doing the things it takes to meet those needs. Read about Emotional Needs on this website - understand your husband's, and start meeting them. Do this gladly, and do it daily. He will notice the change - and your marriage will, too.

You have work to do, as well. You suspect an affair, but you don't really have true evidence. Searching his luggage isn't working, because he has caught you and won't make a mistake that way. If you truly believe there is an affair, there are other ways to spy that are much more undercover, and you need to stop being so obvious. It pushes him away, and its fruitless anyway. Look for the Spying 101 thread here, and find ways to do it that might yield better results for you. GPS trackers in his car, voice activated recorders, and other devices do the work for you, and offer undeniable proof. Then, he can't say you are 'crazy'.

In your case, you do have difficulty communicating with him. What I mentioned and noted several times in the analysis of your conversation with him was that you confuse and obfuscate your messages. You want to talk to him about your concerns, your feelings, and your hurts. You want to tell him about your needs.

Your approach is indirect. The tendency is that most men are direct thinkers and talkers.

You talked about work, and tried to link it to your relationship.

Then you were off talking about a guy named Paul, and asking why your H didn't do things like Paul, or why Paul didn't do things your H did....

Then it was the I phone

Then it was....whatever.


When you want to talk with your husband about something, talk about

THAT ONE THING.

Plan to talk no longer than 20 minutes.

Only about THAT ONE THING.

Don't mess up and talk about other things that jump in your head, about how a long time ago your feelings got hurt about something almost the same.....or how it is like this other thing....or about how the neighbors.....nope.

Don't add in that also you want to add that he needs to stop....or he never should do something else....or that a related thought.......nope.

And if the two of you stray off topic, you say, "We really are talking only about _____", and "Let's save that for another time so we can just focus on this one thing, isn't this enough?" and laugh.

And set the timer, and say, "We will talk only 20 minutes - and if we don't have it figured out, we will stop and talk again tomorrow or this weekend, after we think about what we've said in the 20 minutes. At least we will have a start on listening to each other's thoughts."


And stick to it.


HE GOES FIRST.

The topic is?????


Well.....for openers, you might ask a question of him, sit back....


and shut up.

Yep, I said that.

Don't interrupt him for at least five minutes. Don't ask anything, don't say anything, no matter what.

If he asks you anything, you say, "I just want to listen to your thoughts, so I can understand you better. My listener has been broken too long and it's come out of the hospital. Please, just talk to me, about the question. Whatever comes to your mind. We need this."

He will be shocked. But he will talk.



I do have some suggestions for you about a couple of topics.


-What are five things that you think I can do, and five things you think WE can do, that would improve our relationship? These might include things I could do to improve the way I talk and listen to you, the activities we do together, the amount of time we do together, how the house is kept, finances, recreational time, whatever comes to your mind. Feel free to be critical, and please, above all else, be honest. Let's consider this an exercise in moving forward.

-If you could start this marriage and relationship all over again, and create the perfect dream marriage for YOU, what things would you get rid of in our relationship, what would you keep, and what would you add in that we do not have together?




Finally, I will bump a thread for you regarding body language, memory, and other stuff. You need this one, because your communication with your husband needs some changing

and fast

because you need to restore his ability to have a conversation with you and trust that it isn't going to go downhill fast. And that it isn't going to be a marathon about another issue that he thinks has been SOLVED and is over.


BTW, you are DONE with the Iphone discussion. As of now. My best advice in this post.

Schoolbus

Excellent advice, SB!

Universe, you need to do exactly what Schoolbus says.

SB, PERFECT.

Universe, read those posts a few times until you have them memorized. You are very lucky t o have had SB analyze that for you.

Schoobus.. I think u have made some things clear for me. its almost like someone looked into my soul. probably you are right. I am paranoid and making things worse by judging him and bringing things up at wrong times and wrong places. your remark shattered into million pieces over iphone made me laugh! BTW Paul is his boss. I did check on his calender his folder reviews with his direct reports and that women I mentioned in my story part of the conversation. he had the folder review setup with her for two hours and every week! come on! His boss does not do any performance or folder reviews and he does that with his direct reports. I don't know I am confused. I do want to give him benefit of doubt. I know he is not sleeping with anyone but I think I am feeling insecure and i feel like I made too many mistakes in our relationship which is pushing him further away.

I have a knack for looking into people's souls, especially when they write things down.

My co-workers have a fear of emailing me, and keep their communications short so I won't do it

God forbid you try to argue with me!


So, you really don't think he is sleeping with someone.

And you are insecure.

And you are afraid you have made mistakes in your relationship.

And....you feel you are pushing him away.




Okay.


Take a look at your behavior, and ask yourself what you are doing to REVERSE the things that push him away.


MB is the place to be.
He is BEGGING you to stop with the scrutiny, with the questioning, with the searching.

He can't take it.

He wants trust, and he wants the intimacy back with you. By intimacy, I mean the ability to share things with you. He openly asks for it, but has shared that he feels like when he does you take things and look for more....look for something he is hiding or you twist it.


In your post, you tell that he is SUCCESSFUL at work.
Yet, you nag at him and question his job abilities, and how he carries out his duties? Do you see how this results in making him feel that you do not support him in the one environment where he IS successful? Your own words tell two tales - one to the outside world where you build him up, and another to his own ears where you tear him down.

Lesson: One of the more common emotional needs rated very high for men is ADMIRATION. They want to feel as though their women admire their accomplishments. They want to HEAR their women speak highly of them, and want to know that their women are proud of them. MEET THIS NEED. You are failing in this, and he tells you so when he says he is sorry that he can't do what you want.........ever.


Look at how you show him that you admire him. You need to do this, and pronto.



And for your own sake, you might want to consider understanding why you are insecure. Hint: It has nothing to do with your husband.

Hi Schoolbus.. I am really thankful to you for such thorough analysis of our conversation. I will reread it until I completely grasp it. I will read up on plan A too and apply that for the time being. I think you are right about talking about issues in concealing ways, I will avoid it in the future. I think I have made the matters worse due to either direct confrontation or combining too many issues together in one conversation and my husband feels helpless and feels he does not know how to fix things anymore since the same topic comes up over and over again. See the problem is it is not over in my mind. I am not sure if he is talking to someone at work getting his emotional needs met etc.That whole thing made me restless and I jumped to conclusions and he was never giving me any satisfying answers which made my doubts worst instead of being at peace with what was offered as explanation. Now that you are helping me schoolbus, please do not leave me hanging in there. I need to understand things and if I am the one acting immature in this relationship. I need to better myself and I am willing to work on myself and improve things between me and my husband.

If you work the MB program, you WILL make things better.

It is a proven method, and it actually works.

Five years ago, my H had an affair with another woman. He has had multiple affairs in our marriage, and it had been over 25 years between his last affair and the most recent one. I had thought we were "safe". I was wrong, and this one hit me hard.

I found this website, and worked the MB program. Using these concepts, our marriage recovered from this very difficult blow.

You can bring your marriage back, and you can bring your confidence back.

Confidence isn't dependent on what your husband does, or doesn't do.

Your self-confidence is dependent upon what YOU do. When you find that you are controlling your reactions to things, controlling your actions, and putting your efforts into BUILDING your marriage in a positive direction

instead of worrying
instead of being anxious
instead of wringing your hands

you will find your confidence GROWING.

WHY?

Because once you begin to stop worrying about things, and you begin to take positive steps, that actually produce positive results that you see and feel, you realize that you CAN control your attitude and relationship environment.

You begin to feel more secure because you realize that what you are DOING in the relationship CREATES loving feelings for your husband, and also results in your husband having loving feelings FOR YOU.

Once you begin to do these things - meeting his emotional needs, reducing your disrespectful judgements, stopping your angry outbursts, and improving your communication skills - your marital relationship will improve almost immediately.

Your confidence in your husband's feelings for you will improve with that.

And your confidence in yourself will grow.

So you will do more...and things will improve more.


Follow the program. You have nothing to lose.


I do have one more thing for you. Order "His Needs, Her Needs". Ask your husband to look at it AFTER you start putting it into action, and when he sees YOUR CHANGES....because.....

he will.


SB

Thanks SB I really appreciate all that you have offered me in such short time. I love this Forum!:)I am getting things slowly...I am sure if I will listen to someone experienced and wise like yourself. I will be able to save my marriage from destruction.I will follow the program. My husband just called and we are going out for dinner and he was in pleasant mood and I kept myself calm/pleasant as well. I will make sure it is a pleasant evening. I am in California BTW. Its really nice meeting you on this Forum. I feel hopeful after such a long time and thank God that there are such nice people out there who are willing to listen and take time to help others. I am so pleased that your marriage recovered the affair and MB worked to bring you and your husband closer. I hope it works for me as well. talk to u soon.:)

universe,

Let me add something to Schoolbus's extensive response to you. Men "fix" problems and nothing drives us guys more crazy than "sort of" being handed a problem to fix when the problem itself isn't clear.

You handed your H a problem during your conversation, but you did not define it, and you did not really ask him for his help. He will get very frustrated as his job is fixing problems at work, and to get an ill-defined problem will drive him crazy. Worse, it will cause him to avoid conversations with you as nothing makes us guys feel worse than NOT being able to solve a problem for our spouse.

He'll run from that for sure. You want him coming to you, therefore you want to avoid "ill-defined" problems that he feels he must solve. He will derive joy in "solving" a problem for you if he knows what it is.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL I appreciate your insight about the problem. I will be more specific about the problem in the future. It was wrong of me to interrupt him at work. SB really helped me with her analyzing the whole conversation. I will keep my cool and act on plan A and go from there. I will follow the advise given and I hope things get much better between us. Last night dinner was pleasant and after wards we watched a movie " office space" given to him by a co-worker which was really funny! we had good day today as well..just getting some pending work done. At this point I need an advice on if I should be spying on him or not because there were some things I found which made me suspicious in the first place and got me rolling down the hill. I sort of helped him erase all the mistakes and I never got any kind of proof if there was anything going on even if it was just some initial interest in someone at work.One important piece of info I forgot to mention was we had a discussion in April about having another child since we had plans to have one once we move to Cali and he refused saying that we are not settled yet and you need to focus on your career etc. I gave him time to rethink about it for three months and we talked about it again in July and he still does not want another child. Now I was trying to keep myself unidentified so I said kids in the story part. In reality we have one child who is 7 and he really wants another sibling and I actually was not thinking about it until my son started to talk about it so much. I am going to be 34 this year so that was another concern. Dont want to have another one with too much gap between the first and second child. Any advise?