I am brand new here. Just found the site this week. I am totally in awe.

Me BS:32 WW:32 married almost 8 yrs together more than 13, 2 kids. For several yrs I have worked days, she nights, we rarely have had any alone time. She has gone out drinking with friends 5-6 nights a week also. I don't know why this is so surprising to me.

In March she told me she is unhappy and has been for some time (looking back yes she has indicated this repeatedly). I am a recovering addict/alcoholic, sober since that discussion. I am in AA and have a sponsor and am doing very well in my recovery, surprising even myself at not relapsing during this hell.

We started seeing a counselor. She kept talking about a separation. I was opposed. Then I stupidly agreed to move out in June. I came home last weekend, realizing my mistake. Now home, we talk a lot but only agree that I am willing to work on our relationship and she is not. She says she wants to leave. She is done trying, wants her freedom, wants to be happy. This morning I read her diary and confirmed that she has been having an A since March. I am ashamed for reading it.

Her phone never leaves her hand, her computer passwords have all changed. I want to work towards confronting her but am honestly lost. We have a date scheduled for tomorrow night. This my hardest day, so far. I really need some assistance as to how to stay strong and guiding us back on track with her unwillingness to work on a plan with me. This site is amazing and helpful. I'll keep reading these boards.

SO, do you know who the affair is with? Is he married?

This is a big part of the problem: her lifestyle is as destructive to your marriage as your drinking and long shifts are.

I do not know who OM is, only his name, but do not believe he is married

I would find out his name, marital status and occupation. Once you get that, come back here and we will help you with next steps. Don't ask her about it, but do some quiet snooping and get as much evidence as you can.

Can you figure out her email password?

ALSO do you have access to any of the recent phone bills? Can you log onto the online acct? Most likely you will be able to get info on who OM is by the phone #. You can do a reverse lookup and if that doesn't pan out, you could also pay intelius.com for a report (about $15 when I did it a couple yrs ago)...

Put a GPS on her car.

Virtually follow her.

And, click on the link in my sig line.

Welcome to MB

Thank you so much. This is hard going but I am willing to do the work.

Welcome to MBs. Sorry you are here under these circumstances.

Nesre.

Date night went swell, thank you. OK, I now have his name, number and address. He is single. How do I find out about his occupation?
Just the other night my wife called to say she was sleeping over at a girlfriends house. I said "you could be anywhere right now! how would I ever know the truth?" She promptly returned home and said I had spoiled her fun. When asked about another man she said she never wanted to share with me that she has fantasies about other people, how they might love her, how they might have treated her and denied seeing anyone specific. I didn't bother to tell her that I have the phone records and she talks to him every other day or so. I also asked to look at her cell phone. She said that it was a huge invasion of privacy but had nothing to hide from me. Well it was all cleaned out: no text messages, no call history. I told her it was pretty fishy to be so clean especially with her being so technologically ignorant. She just stared blankly back at me and said I can't believe your even looking at it.
Her journal is something she cherishes. If I told her I read it(that's where I learned about the sex) she would never speak to me again. I have spoken with my parents and hers about it though. I feel like confronting the OM but can't see myself doing so without emotion (let alone getting violent). I don't plan on ever speaking with him.
Looks like the law in our state makes adultery (for a wife) a gross misdemeanor and carries a prison sentence of one year, plus a possible fine of up to $3,000. I don't believe it is enforced, however. Plus if I had her charged she'd never want to reconcile.
I will keep up my Plan A and remain strong for myself and kids.

Most of your assumptions about if I do "X" she will do "Y" are wrong.

You need to make sure everyone she knows hears the "good news" about her affair. When everyone knows it's not quite as much fun for them. If you have evidence as you seem to, you should expose her to anyone and everyone who can influence her. You should also confront her about what you know - don't argue about the source of the information.

Thank you for your solid advice. I am still absorbing this entire site. Currently reading "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" and in Plan A. She says I seem like I am acting. I know I am, I am sober and have a new outlook on life. My priorities are now in order and I am working on a new healthy lifestyle, whether she cares or not.

Listen, my WW said the same thing, and just railed on me for "invading her privacy" by reading her journal. Guess what? We're still together. It was just a ploy to keep me from getting information. Which is worse? Reading a journal or committing adultery?

You NEED to confront OM and make his life he11 as long as he pursues your WW. He needs to feel consequences for his actions, or he will have no reason to stop banging your WW. Likely, he's a predator that targets married women because they are easy marks. If you apply pressure (confront him with a friend so you don't lose control, expose to his family, friends, coworkers, etc.) and just generally make his life hell until he leaves your WW alone, you can probably chase him away. Quit being so passive. Inaction will cost you your family. Now is the time to take a stand and fight.

What state do you live in? Is there Alienation of Affection on the books? You could sue OM for continuing to contact your WW. That should chase him away. Make a copy of your WW's journal for proof. You have all the proof you need. Now is the time to start using the STICK of plan A. Plan A is not just being a doormat, it is making consequences for your WW's behavior. You should tell her you know and that she needs to stop. If she doesn't (and don't warn her what you are going to do or your sources), then you need to expose to her family and friends. How old are your children? If they are over the age of 7, Dr. Harley recommends telling them as well.

It is time to sack up, be a man, and start confronting this adultery head-on. You seem to have a good grasp of the CARROT of plan A, but you need to now employ the STICK as well. If you WW has no reason to stop her behavior (no you being nice and asking her to stop is not a compelling reason), she won't. Do you understand?

Expose the affair that is your best bet on saving your marriage, affairs thrive on secrecy so the longer your keep it in, the longer the affair will be.

Expose to
family
friends
co-workers
OM
OM's Friends and family
Church friends
Neighbors
etc.

Exposing will lift the fantasy and kill the affair.

What happened when you exposed to the parents? I hope you didn't tell them to keep it quiet because part of exposure is to ask others who have influence to confront WW about her affair. But you can't trickle exposure, it needs to be done in one fell swoop to get the maximum effect.

Do you know if she works with OM? If she does, then exposing to her workplace is not only necessary, but critical!

What kinds of things are you doing in your Plan A? Carrot and stick examples please.

I did not have to deal with the exposure part of the affair and I question whether or not I would have the strength to do so if I needed to but, but I can say these people here have given me encouragement to do create my plan of action. I also know I am new her but it has been said over and over again as I read. Marriage can not survive dishonesty. If you have the evidence then it must be time to pull the trigger and confront. It will not be easy but nothing worth fighting for ever is. If we all wanted the easy way out we would not be here and we would be the WS not our spouses. Ask yourself is she worth the pain? Is she worth the suffering? I believe she must be or you would not be here. but those are just my thoughts.

Okay, I am back after a much needed vacation last week. I exposed the affair to her family and friends last Monday Aug 9th. I told her everything I knew, she tried to deny. Thank you jmcw95 for pointing out to me the simple logic behind which is worse: reading her journal or having an affair. Well after she admitted it we have talked a lot. The following day when I told her that I had informed her family and friends (her friends I cannot speak highly of) she was extremely upset. She tells me everyday that she is mad at me and can't believe I could do such a thing. I told her that I am not sorry for telling people the truth and learned from them the lies she has been telling. Also her friends already knew and got defensive for her.

Two days ago she said she is willing to cut her lover out of her life and work with me on our relationship. Then last night she said that she is unwilling to try to reconcile with me and wants to leave, the love is gone, she is not committed...blah blah blah. I am still doing my best everyday at cleaning up the house everyday, grocery shopping, complimenting her hair, clothes, style, taking initiative with the kids, being reasonable and calm in all conversations with her, and generally being positive and happy.

She wants to leave but doesn't want to write out any guidelines as far as timeline, child care, what the goal of the separation is(all I hear is she wants space, freedom, happiness). She wants to move into our first home which we have had rented out the last 5 yrs. I want to rent it out again immediately to an interested family but she tells me to cancel those plans. We cannot afford both house payments and I see no point in us both having a home to pay for and maintain. I told her to find her own place to go, her parents and a good friend have offered her to move in with them.

I am flustered at the moment but overall I feel great about all that I am doing, mainly practicing my patience, being positive and being the best spouse I can for whoever it is my spouse will be in the future.

Let her find her own place, don't let her move into your other home.

Don't pay for anything! Separate your accounts so she can't use your money.

How long have you been in plan A? You might be able to get into plan B if she does decide to move out.

"S O" you are doing fantastic! As SR states, don't finance the affair. Make her accountable. Just lurking and reading my man. Sober since May 5, 1985. AA is the greatest. Later

Tonight she comes home from work and says she wants a divorce. I didn't know what to say. She said she would be going to sleep in the den. I just said goodnight. I just feel numb. What to do now...talk about confused, frustrated, and upset.